I'm glad you are starting to take control of your transition.

I sympathize with the money issue.  If the law is still the same, unless your parents are very poor, you can't get student loans at age 18.  They have to not claim you on their taxes as a dependent for two years before you can be considered independent and get the loans.  If you had the loans, you could use those to cover all your expenses and work for transition money.  Then you would not have to worry about your parents withdrawing financial support if you transition without their permission.

Any chance you have a scholarship?  Any chance you can get one?  I think there are some loans out there you can get if you commit to take a certain type of degree and do a certain type of job for a given number of years.  And you can renig and just pay it back if you like.  Why don't you check with your school financial aid office and see if they have any suggestions?  If not, maybe you can look at some other schools that offer other programs that are eligible for that type of financial aid.  I hope you are not stil living with your parents.  If so, that is another thing you need to change ASAP.

In summary, I think you will stay very, very, very unhappy until you get control of your life and your transistion and stop living like a child.  That is going to mean establishing your independence completely.  It is obvious.  To be the the man you want to be, you have to stop living as a child.  That does not mean quitting school.  School is your vehicle to independence.

No scholarship. Can't be getting one. But my school expenses are cheap. Fall semester only cost about $300 for classes. One of the books I already have and I might need one other book (I have English, and I have that book, then two theater classes and two PE classes).

What I need is a regular income to cover costs of T. My parents will support therapy, no problem. And they'll probably support transition when the time comes if a doctor/therapist has really said the okay.

I am living with my parents, and I don't really have a choice to move out, or a need. I can be patient. If I wait 7 years and transition at 25 even, that's not too late. I met a lovely FtM who transitioned when he was... 43? Somewhere around there. And he's happy now.

The thing is, I am just 18, I am legally an adult but physically still an adolescent. So I will live like a child. I have multiple disorders that make normal life for me harder than it is for other people. One of the major conditions is an undiagnosed case of OCD.

Wow.  You have an amazing amount of patience.  Very well.  I wish you luck.  And I'm glad that you think your parents will not be an intolerable obstacle.  I transitioned near your age and lost my family, so I can see you have a situation that is different enough that you can take a different approach.

Quote from: glendagladwitch on July 21, 2008, 10:44:35 PMWow.  You have an amazing amount of patience.  Very well.  I wish you luck.  And I'm glad that you think your parents will not be an intolerable obstacle.  I transitioned near your age and lost my family, so I can see you have a situation that is different enough that you can take a different approach.

Well, I feel patient right now. Only because I know I'm hanging out with like, 7 FtMs for 2 1/2 days in August... I look forward to that camping trip. It gives me a goal to care about. After that, if I have no therapist, I'll be terribly bothered.

Yeah. My dad is supportive, my step mom has set a few small obstacles, my mother has set a huge obstacle and my step dad has set a small obstacle (he said he'd never respect me as a man) but I think he'll get over it...

I am also willing to loose parts of my family for this. Maybe I'll gain them back. I plan on working in the entertainment industry. They're bound to hear from me again. It's not that I don't love those people in my family, it's just their company doesn't make my pain go away. Transition will. And I can heal from the wounds of them rejecting me, I believe. Being female, however, is a constant open wound.

Quote from: Elwood on July 21, 2008, 09:23:48 PM
Meh. Just 3 times now. I don't like to use public bathrooms still even though I can use the men's room because I'm afraid I'll be outed or caught. Everyone knows I'm a "she" in my classes. I'll be starting fresh in the fall semester.

Standing to pee doesn't feel "more masculine" to me. It's a psychological thing, really, because females stood to pee before humans were "civilized" enough to realize that squatting is more effective. Standing to pee isn't a huge thing on my mind. My dad sits to pee sometimes because of his leg injury. I know a guy who likes to pee sitting in the stall because he's lazy. I know another guy who just likes to relax when he's using the bathroom, so he sits to pee.

No biggie, that's a rather rational decision. I don't know about STP being "more masculine" but it just felt more right to pee that way for me. I just like it better, to each his own I know some guys sit to pee, my dad got lazy about it cause he doesn't like putting the toilet seat back down at home so he sits to pee all the time.

Quote from: Elwood on July 21, 2008, 09:23:48 PM
I don't have the funds for T. I have like... $400 maybe. I don't know how long that would last. And I have no income... I really want to get a job. I have to save up for a car or motorcycle, I have to rack up enough cash for driver's/vehicle insurance, and well, I want to save up for top surgery. I have to start saving soon. I think a bus pass will be cheaper than a car, but I'll have to work by the bus' schedule...

Well that sucks. I have the funds for T right now (but not enough for surgery) and no income. But I need the car/motorcycle and insurance more too so guess where my money's going :-/ Plus with my big move coming up as soon as I graduate, I need some of that money for rent too. My grandmother makes the bus schedule work for her....it might be cheaper to get a bus pass in the meantime, but yeah you'd just have to learn the schedules and things. Trust me, if I didn't have to drive I wouldn't. I take the train to work now (I'm an intern, no money) but when fall semester rolls around, I'll be back to driving because school is closer than my job. I absolutely hate driving, but we have a horrid bus system here. Not to mention some of my classes are night classes, so I'm not riding the bus at night.

At least you're lucky in the sense that you can still pass off your loan applications as college expenses  The deadline for FAFSA was in february and I didn't apply, plus this is my last year so when february rolls around, if I apply for FAFSA this year, it'll be kind of like..."wait I'm graduating with no grad school in sight....will it be denied?"


By the way, congrats on your dad buying a book of his own volition. To me that small gesture means he cares and he's trying

Quote from: trapthavok on July 22, 2008, 10:22:01 AM

Quote from: Elwood on July 21, 2008, 09:23:48 PMMeh. Just 3 times now. I don't like to use public bathrooms still even though I can use the men's room because I'm afraid I'll be outed or caught. Everyone knows I'm a "she" in my classes. I'll be starting fresh in the fall semester.

Standing to pee doesn't feel "more masculine" to me. It's a psychological thing, really, because females stood to pee before humans were "civilized" enough to realize that squatting is more effective. Standing to pee isn't a huge thing on my mind. My dad sits to pee sometimes because of his leg injury. I know a guy who likes to pee sitting in the stall because he's lazy. I know another guy who just likes to relax when he's using the bathroom, so he sits to pee.

No biggie, that's a rather rational decision. I don't know about STP being "more masculine" but it just felt more right to pee that way for me. I just like it better, to each his own I know some guys sit to pee, my dad got lazy about it cause he doesn't like putting the toilet seat back down at home so he sits to pee all the time.

Trust me, having a normal dick and standing to pee would be easier and probably help my self esteem. But I wouldn't be torn if I had a normal penis but couldn't stand to pee for some reason.

Quote from: trapthavok on July 22, 2008, 10:22:01 AM

Quote from: Elwood on July 21, 2008, 09:23:48 PMI don't have the funds for T. I have like... $400 maybe. I don't know how long that would last. And I have no income... I really want to get a job. I have to save up for a car or motorcycle, I have to rack up enough cash for driver's/vehicle insurance, and well, I want to save up for top surgery. I have to start saving soon. I think a bus pass will be cheaper than a car, but I'll have to work by the bus' schedule...

Well that sucks. I have the funds for T right now (but not enough for surgery) and no income. But I need the car/motorcycle and insurance more too so guess where my money's going :-/ Plus with my big move coming up as soon as I graduate, I need some of that money for rent too. My grandmother makes the bus schedule work for her....it might be cheaper to get a bus pass in the meantime, but yeah you'd just have to learn the schedules and things. Trust me, if I didn't have to drive I wouldn't. I take the train to work now (I'm an intern, no money) but when fall semester rolls around, I'll be back to driving because school is closer than my job. I absolutely hate driving, but we have a horrid bus system here. Not to mention some of my classes are night classes, so I'm not riding the bus at night.

At least you're lucky in the sense that you can still pass off your loan applications as college expenses  The deadline for FAFSA was in february and I didn't apply, plus this is my last year so when february rolls around, if I apply for FAFSA this year, it'll be kind of like..."wait I'm graduating with no grad school in sight....will it be denied?"


By the way, congrats on your dad buying a book of his own volition. To me that small gesture means he cares and he's trying

I love driving! It's just so damn expensive...

You're right. I might try that, actually. Haha...

YEAH. My dad is actually fairly engaged and mostly supportive. He still doesn't really... see me like a guy. But he respects me. Because I told everyone I don't care if they call me she, they do. But my dad hesitates every time. Like he feels like I should be called "he." Really interesting...

Hey Elwood, I was going to quote a post of yours but it was too long so I'm just replying to the earlier part you mentioned about not seeing guys cause you 'don't want to be somebody's bitch.'

Got a question: In an ideal gay relationship with a guy, what do you see yourself as - the butch or the femme?

In the ideal gay relationship, I'd play a fairly androgynous role. I'd be allowed to be "butch" sometimes and "femme" others, and the same would apply to him. There would be flexibilities and it would depend on the mood. Some days I feel like receiving, others I feel like giving.

I don't like to be overly dominated. My whole life I've been dominated, because I'm small. If someone is to dominate me, it would be an art, almost, because it would have to be quite particular not to hurt me. I am tired of being "the kid on the block," everyone's doormat and armrest... I'm really tired of being "the little guy" and having all the other guys very clearly dominate me.

I think what gets me most excited is a relationship where roles are so equally close that there's pressure on each sides of a mutual conflict.

Elwood, let me first just say that reading your posts on this thread is agony and ecstasy for me. I feel incredible empathy for the pain that you're going through, but I also feel envious. You're still so young, and yet you know so much. When I was your age, I barely knew that there were gay people in the world, and although I was vaguely aware of a few well-publicized MTFs like Christine Jorgensen, I had no idea that GID was so common, nor that there was such a thing as FTMs. In addition, I was attracted to men, which seemed to indicate that I was just a normal hetero girl with some really sick fantasies. I would spend hours playing out these scenarios in which I was a guy with another guy. When I started having sex for real with my first long-term partner--I was your age--the reality was so far removed from how I saw myself that I used to have attacks of...frigidity, I guess you would call it. It must have been frustrating for him, but I eventually adapted and was able to have hetero sex. And I pretended to be a hetero female. But I really didn't consciously understand what the heck was going on in my head when I tried to cope with these attacks, or with my fantasies, for that matter. I had no vocabulary or referents for describing this stuff. It might as well have been alien territory.

Only recently did I figure out what these attacks really were. And only years later did I read about FTMs and think, "Maybe that's me. But if it is, shouldn't I be attracted to women?" The one FTM book that I owned indicated that I should be, which confused me even more. I mean, if the experts said so...

In college, I actually met a young woman who confessed to a fascination with gay men--I suppose she was a ->-bleeped-<- hag--and I was so convinced that she was normal and I was a freak that I couldn't even tell her about my own confusion. Because I kept thinking, "Does she know? Is she just saying this because she KNOWS what my kink is? Why do I always fantasize that I'm a man with other men? I must be sick, sick sick."

Your posts have a peculiar effect on me. I identify with you now, even though I'm much older than you. And I look back to what I buried as a young adult because there was so little information to be had and I didn't know anything. And I wish that I had had the knowledge and the courage that you have now at the same age.

Remember what Winston Churchill once said: "If you are going through hell, keep going." I guess you don't need this reminder because you're already doing it. You're tough, you're brave, you're tenacious.

I admire the hell out of you.

Quote from: Arch on July 30, 2008, 03:46:00 AMElwood, let me first just say that reading your posts on this thread is agony and ecstasy for me. I feel incredible empathy for the pain that you're going through, but I also feel envious. You're still so young, and yet you know so much. When I was your age, I barely knew that there were gay people in the world, and although I was vaguely aware of a few well-publicized MTFs like Christine Jorgensen, I had no idea that GID was so common, nor that there was such a thing as FTMs. In addition, I was attracted to men, which seemed to indicate that I was just a normal hetero girl with some really sick fantasies. I would spend hours playing out these scenarios in which I was a guy with another guy. When I started having sex for real with my first long-term partner--I was your age--the reality was so far removed from how I saw myself that I used to have attacks of...frigidity, I guess you would call it. It must have been frustrating for him, but I eventually adapted and was able to have hetero sex. And I pretended to be a hetero female. But I really didn't consciously understand what the heck was going on in my head when I tried to cope with these attacks, or with my fantasies, for that matter. I had no vocabulary or referents for describing this stuff. It might as well have been alien territory.

Only recently did I figure out what these attacks really were. And only years later did I read about FTMs and think, "Maybe that's me. But if it is, shouldn't I be attracted to women?" The one FTM book that I owned indicated that I should be, which confused me even more. I mean, if the experts said so...

In college, I actually met a young woman who confessed to a fascination with gay men--I suppose she was a ->-bleeped-<- hag--and I was so convinced that she was normal and I was a freak that I couldn't even tell her about my own confusion. Because I kept thinking, "Does she know? Is she just saying this because she KNOWS what my kink is? Why do I always fantasize that I'm a man with other men? I must be sick, sick sick."

Your posts have a peculiar effect on me. I identify with you now, even though I'm much older than you. And I look back to what I buried as a young adult because there was so little information to be had and I didn't know anything. And I wish that I had had the knowledge and the courage that you have now at the same age.

Remember what Winston Churchill once said: "If you are going through hell, keep going." I guess you don't need this reminder because you're already doing it. You're tough, you're brave, you're tenacious.

I admire the hell out of you.

Wow. Thanks. I know how you feel. I kept thinking that because I liked men that I wasn't a man at all. But in all of those dreams of mine I was a man, and I felt so much better in that role. It's who I really am, and I am lucky to have realized that so early.

Frankly, I'm just... speechless. Thank you for what you've said, here. It's been very tough facing all of this. When someone gives me that pat on the back, says, "Good boy," I just feel a bit of relief. That I have been doing the right things and that I have been moving in the right direction. I keep worrying that I'm not and that I'm doing everything wrong. But everyone I've talked to has been there for me.

The psychiatrist who prescribed me the anxiety medication I am on said I was very brave. A lot of people seem to feel that way. I guess I'm modest; when someone says I'm brave, I just tell them I'm riding the waves of life, waiting for the next tide to come in...

Elwood, you deserve that pat on the back and the "Attaboy!" From yourself as well as from others. Make sure you face yourself every day and congratulate yourself for surviving. Even if all you did was get through the day.

My partner talks about "gressing." Not progressing, not regressing--just maintaining a holding pattern. Some days you just gress, and that's okay. For people in our position, however, gressing can actually be considered progress. And it's okay to pat yourself on the back for gressing.

Sometimes I forget this myself. But it always feels better coming from someone else. I love it when my partner smooches me on the top of the head ("just because") and tells me, "You're a good kid." I've never outgrown it, and I probably never will.

So here it is again, for you--but minus the smooch. That would be a little presumptuous, I think.

ELWOOD, YOU ARE A GOOD KID.

Quote from: Arch on July 30, 2008, 04:10:02 PMElwood, you deserve that pat on the back and the "Attaboy!" From yourself as well as from others. Make sure you face yourself every day and congratulate yourself for surviving. Even if all you did was get through the day.

My partner talks about "gressing." Not progressing, not regressing--just maintaining a holding pattern. Some days you just gress, and that's okay. For people in our position, however, gressing can actually be considered progress. And it's okay to pat yourself on the back for gressing.

Sometimes I forget this myself. But it always feels better coming from someone else. I love it when my partner smooches me on the top of the head ("just because") and tells me, "You're a good kid." I've never outgrown it, and I probably never will.

So here it is again, for you--but minus the smooch. That would be a little presumptuous, I think.

ELWOOD, YOU ARE A GOOD KID.

Thanks, Arch!

Ah, gressing. I like that term. T'is cute.

Aw, no smooch? Haha. I won't complain. I am entirely thankful for your warm thoughts!