I watched a podcast of Dr. Steven E. Rhoads giving a talk at the University of Virginia entitled "Taking Sex Differences Seriously". He has a book of the same title. His thesis lays a very solid foundation of gender identity. It was very enlightening and brought up many memories of my childhood and adolescence. I found his views very affirming and it helped me to understand myself much better.

This morning, I found myself tearing up with joy as memories of my babies flooded back into my mind. I remember holding them close to me when they needed comforting or to go to sleep. We used to do "walk around the island" which was me holding my baby and singing softly to him/her while I walked around the kitchen island counter. Sometimes, I would walk for hours and never minded. They are all adults now and I cannot hold or comfort them anymore. Some find me repulsive and will not speak to me while my youngest daughter just tolerates me. This cuts pretty deep to my heart which is open and needing to nurture and comfort. I was acting instinctively as a mother to them. Staying at home with my youngest and being her primary care giver was the sweetest time in my life.  I was struggling so with gender issues which made it difficult to fully adopt the role as mom. Had I been able to accept that I was a mother and not a father, I would have been so much more happy with myself. I am sure it would have benefited her as well.

In sum, I now have many more memories that I now understand and confusions that have been lifted.  I was raised without a father and had no adult male contacts so I had no reference points to know that I was different. I really didn't know what being a man was  and when I stopped crying about having to become a man, I made it up for myself by emulating TV characters like Robert Young on Father Knows Best or Ward Cleaver on Leave it to Beaver.

Maybe the next generation won't have to go through this.

Maggie

I know. I've spent oodles of time with my youngest in that fashion.



Nichole

Today, I was at Costco getting groceries and as I was leaving, I saw a small lost boy with a Costco employee. The employee was on the PA system paging for the mother of the boy to come to the check out area. The little boy was despondent. It was all I could do not to go over to him and kneel down to his level and comfort him. I knew that he would soon be reunited with his mother but, my goodness, my feelings of mothering him were intense. I have always been really emotional about kids being upset or sad or hurt in public but this time I really noted a change. Perhaps it was the day for my maternal instincts to flair. I know I am not pregnant, so that can't be it! 

Oh yes, another thing happened on my outing.  I've been riding the crest of a trough lately but today I got a little boost. I was shopping at Orchard Hardware for a vacuum cleaner belt. I couldn't find them so I went over to a clerk and was about to ask when another customer, a man, came at the same time. The clerk looked at me and him and gestured "Who goes first" . The man looked at me and said, "Let her go first, she is a lot prettier than me." I smiled and asked my question. I was smiling off and on ever since. I know it is a small thing but from where I have been lately, this was a nice pick-me-up.

Maggie

How wonderful for you, Maggie!!

Yep, it's nice when we get those little bursts of validation. Nothing like them to make a day, no matter who you are, I expect!! 

Nichole

Quote from: Maggie Kay on August 01, 2008, 10:53:28 AM.... Had I been able to accept that I was a mother and not a father, I would have been so much more happy with myself.

I totally understand that. After struggling with my own dichotomy for a decade (age 23) it was the moment that my sister thrust my newborn niece into my arms that 'the dam broke'. The flood of emotions and instincts that swept over me at that moment were totally normal and TOTALLY maternal, every bit as much as if I had carried that baby in my own body. (I even let down milk.) I could no longer ignore the fact that there was nothing about me "male" or "masculine" - it shattered the illusion. Unfortunately it was still a year before SRS became possible and that led to a pretty dark time.

Quote from: Kiera on August 02, 2008, 10:27:36 AM

Quote from: Maggie Kay on August 01, 2008, 10:53:28 AMIn sum, I now have many more memories that I now understand and confusions that have been lifted.  I was raised without a father and had no adult male contacts so I had no reference points to know that I was different.

I am desperately clinging to those memories as we speak Maggie, the only real thing that keeps me going today, mine are only 8 & 10 now but lord I know they will grow old fast. Wife asks me all the time these days "why are you crying?" (for no apparent reason) memories acknowledged and made of what's truly important in life will live on forever and we need to start cherishing that flat fact now and not later if we can, it never being too late!

My father just called, had a nice chat and he also always helps wherever he can, he wasn't around at all it seems when I was going up either and I know how much the lost memory of us as kids is all important to him now, something I need to share and give back however I can!

Call Yer Kids, tell 'em how you need them now & feel in spite of what they may think, hope your situation improves as a loving parent such as yourself certainly deserves much better!

My heart aches in that I can't contact my two oldest since they rejected me years ago after a catastrophic divorce. They were taken from me when they were toddlers by their mother who promised to never let them see me again. In spite of my tireless efforts over two decades, they took her side and won't speak to me. My youngest, now 21, lives with us and she is barely tolerating me now that I am transitioning.  She won't be accepting my affection. I am left to hug my cat. Fortunately, he has the unusual characteristic that he likes to snuggle against my neck while I hold him like an infant on my shoulder. It is sort of like a physical memory of a small warm baby cuddling against me.

I know this sounds like a horrible downer and I really apologize to everyone for being so glum all the time. I am going through a period now that I am not sure what I will be like if it ends. My therapist is openly worried about me as am I. I shouldn't let this darkness spill over into this forum as I know others are in similar situations.  I'll try to refrain from bringing the group down and only post encouragements if and when I am able.

Maggie

Quote from: Kiera on August 02, 2008, 11:14:02 AM

Quote from: Maggie Kay on August 02, 2008, 10:58:00 AMMy therapist is openly worried about me as am I. I shouldn't let this darkness spill over into this forum as I know others are in similar situations.  I'll try to refrain from bringing the group down and only post encouragements if and when I am able.

No, no, no you don't! Heartfelt sadness and depression are two very different things Maggie, crying being one of the most healthy things we can do, differentiating between the two is sometimes all we have left for sanity sake, don't ever deny yourself or us that!

Kiera,
You are a sweetheart. Thank you. 

Maggie