Regardless of everything I am planning, the number one item on my "To Do" list is to come out to my wife. 

We are looking for a couples counselor.  She recently suggested the two of us seeing my therapist.  I am uneasy with that idea and said so.  She then said that she was curious why I was uneasy about this.  Maybe she could help me deal with my issues.  (No, she does not know why I am seeing a therapist, just that I am.)

So, tht being said, I am in need of some opinions, thoughts and experiences.

WHen you came out to your spouse, did you do it one-on-one, or was your therapist in the room with you?  Did you do it a different way?

Chaunte

Chaunte, I'm far from an expert on coming out to one's spouse (seeing as how I haven't had one for 20 years), but I've had really good experiences coming out to family and friends (including my ex), and I'll pass along what I've found helpful.

Because all of my family live a great distance from me, I put most of what I had to say in a letter, then called and told them I was emailing it and to call me after they had read it. This is far from the ideal situation, but it did have a few advantages.

First, it forced me to sit down and really crystalize my thoughts on what I wanted to say. I was able to make sure that I said everything I wanted to get across, and by reading it over and over, to determine what I didn't want to say. I got my therapists opinion of the letter before I sent it; she made a few suggestions, and I incorporated about half of them.

Second, I knew that if I tried to say everything that needed to be said, I would break down more than once and it would be hard to go on.

Third, it eliminated interruptions. It was a way of making sure that everything was said, rather than leaving something out due to being sidetracked. It also eliminated the possibility of my getting cold feet half way through and backing off.

I'm not suggesting you just walk in and hand your spouse a letter, but I can see sitting down and explaining that what you want to tell her is really important, and that it's hard for you to say it without bursting out in tears (this will probably be true), so you've written a part of it out and you'd like her to read it. Tell her how much you love her, how important she is to you, and how afraid you've been to tell her.

I have no idea if this would work for you; you know your situation, and you know your spouse. Trust your feelings. Personally, I wouldn't want my therapist in the room at the time; it might make your wife feel she''s being ganged up on. She will feel vulnerable enough as it is.

By the way, if you'd like a copy of my letter, just let me know. Even if you don't go that route, there may be something in there that you would find helpful.

However you go about it, good luck! It's probably the biggest step you'll ever take, and probably the hardest. However it goes, just remember that there are a bunch of us here on your side.

Annie

Hi Chaunte,

I do have experience coming out to my SO.  The only reason we are not together is because the person I am becoming (and already have become) is incompatible with her.  She did not want to leave me just because I was TS and fully changing into a woman including surgery.  If I remained all male at this point, it still wouldn't make a difference.

So, that being said, I came out to my spouse almost immediately after I figured out I was TS. We did it one-on-one.  In fact, I didn't have a therapist yet, because I figured it out the day before.  In a way, this was really good, because when the issue of "why didn't you tell me all this time?" came up, I was able to say that I told her as soon as I figured it out.  For me, sooner worked better than later.  However, for others later may work well too, since it gives you a chance to gather information.  Just don't wait too long.

Another thing I had going for me is that me and my spouse had always communicated well, so it didn't seem so big at that time.  You really have to gauge things on how you think they will go.  After all, you probably know your SO better than anyone.

One more thing.  The statistics are not on your side.  Be prepared to lose her.

Melissa

Hello Chaunte.

As you are probably fully aware what you plan on doing could have/will have  life changing consequences.  I believe that that a face to face, one on one conversation is the best way to go, how ever not knowing the relationship you have with your wife, you may also want to consider doing it with a counselor, who may temper the moment somewhat.  I think that there is enough information here at Susan's on what you need to tell your wife and how you see the relationship proceeding, but you must be prepared to have the answers to questions your wife may have if she is still in the room or in any condition to ask them.

Be prepared for the worst.  She may break down, become angry and mad, and so upset that she simply walk out of the room.  I know that some of what will be on her mind will be issues such as, "where does that leave you both in the marriage, do you plan on staying together, what about family, what about work, what about friends (yours and hers) what about sex, how far are you going with this, why are you doing this to us, how will she feel about being in what is perceived to be a lesbian relationship, are you prepared to divorce/separate, is this an all or nothing deal, do you want the surgery, are you looking to end the relationship, why has it taken so long for you to reveal this.  Etc. etc...

She may also be angry or extremely resentful over the fact that you have not been entirely honest with her that you couldn't trust her, you have been in therapy and she has not known the reason why.  You have been seeking advice on your work situation with regards to transition, you have come out to friends but not her, in essence you've been you've been planning, hiding this from her, something that has/will affect your relationship and your lives.

Before coming out just be sure to think the consequences through, and be prepared to live the rest of your life as a single woman, completely on your own.

Good luck.

Steph

Hi Chaunte:

I came out to my wife about three or four months ago, I can't remember exactly, but she is still here and were working on our relationship everyday - in fact it seems to consume most our waking time together.

Just like you, I was in therapy, she didn't know why, and she was curious because I wouldn't share the reason with her.  Up until that time we had always shared everything so this hurt her feelings.

The way I did it was to write her a letter, told I was writing a letter that explain why I was in therapy and asked for time to write.  She was OK with waiting knowing that an explanation was coming sooner than later.

It took me a couple of weeks to get it right and I used Stephs letter (found in wiki I believe) as the template.  It helped me put my thoughts together in a clear manner.

On a Sunday afternoon I gave her the letter and went outside to BBQ while she read it.  After about five minutes I came in and we had a real heart to heart talk about it.  The first reaction was anger because I hadn't told her, her trust in me was damaged for a time, I think that was the hardest part.  She is more accepting now and I believe her trust is slowly returning.  It was like if I didn't tell her this, what else have you been keeping a secret.

Today my wife is in therapy and I am still in therapy and it has really helped the both of us.

I am dressing pretty much all the time at home and my wife is learning to accept me as a human being.  She keeps saying she doesn't want to be in a lesbian relationship so that is still a tricky situation we are dealing with.

It has been a difficult time since I've told her, but I am very happy I did.  I didn't like keeping it a secret from her and there was no way to move forward without telling her.  I don't know how it will end up but I love my wife and she loves me, so were working on it.

It was the hardest I have done to date.  I couldn't sleep, eat, or concentrate at work.  For me the letter worked better than just coming out and telling her.

If you do decide to tell her be prepared for anger, accusations, sleeping on the couch ( I did that first night), and not knowing if your marriage will survive.  As someone else said the odds are against it, so be prepared for the worst and be happy when it doesn't happen.

This was my experience, I hope it helps.

Good luck and best wishes, Molly

Quote from: Chaunte on May 23, 2006, 09:43:32 PM
WHen you came out to your spouse, did you do it one-on-one, or was your therapist in the room with you?  Did you do it a different way?

One thing to consider is that hitting her with it in front of someone else may make her feel cornered, "ganged up" on. She may feel the therapist is "in on it," so to speak. It may seem like you and your therapist are a conspiratol team, while she's suddenly very alone with no one to turn to.

My spouse has always known about me (20ish years), though neither of us expected the need to transition would eventually become so overwhelming. Even knowing about all this however, she refuses to truly discuss things in a practical manner. She's resigned herself to waiting for me to decide what I'm going to do - without her input to "contaminate" my choice.

Jennifer Boylan's "She's Not There" and Donna Rose's "Wrapped in Blue" both contain some heart-breaking accounts of reactions from spouses.

Hey Chaunte,

I did tell my wife, and I saw a counsellor.  I would have liked very much for my wife to have seen her also.  However she would not as she considered it was my "problem" not hers.  Nevertheless there were some positives.
So, I think it is in your favour that your wife is prepared to see a counsellor with you.  Eventually it will come down to the possibility of a compromise that you both can accept. 
However, its a bit like both Stephanie and Melissa suggest - the odds are not very good.  Yet even so it can work    (it would make me happy to see your relationship stay on track)

Stephanie has mentioned the necessity to be aware of the possibility of spending the rest of your as a single woman, there could be a final sad chapter to consider.
I had an online friend a person like myself, we had a lot in common and enjoyed corresponding.  His wife left, as he said, she got sick of drawing lines in the sand that my friend could not help crossing.  No wife now, and a son that held him in contempt.  He now she went ahead and transitioned but was desperately lonely and unhappy.  She wrote to me saying that she had met someone who made her feel so happy - sent me a picture of this loser creep - someone she would have seen through immediately if she was not feeling so low.  We lost contact    from time to wonder what happened - nothing good I suspect.

I read in another post that whatever you do Chaunte there will be a price that you must pay.  I hope and pray that you will come through this strong & fulfilled

love

Merope

One quick tip.  It helps to start with a disarming statement such as what your fears are about telling her.  As soon as most people hear this, they go into a "defensive and reassuring" mode.  What this does is it allows you to say everything you want to say before she reacts.  It doesn't mean the worst won't happen, but it does give you the opportunity to say what you need to say before she stops listening.  This can avoid the "storming out of the room" reaction.

Melissa

Hey Chaunte,
   
       My ex-husband knew what he was in for when we were married, so needless to say he was not surprised and has always been understanding about the whole thing. We both know we never should have been married in the first place, but that is a not the point now. My kids on the other hand was a bit harder to deal with. But I found that the sooner the better and just being honest is the best way. People that have known me for years are not surprised. I am lucky that I have as much support as I do. Pam, my SO is having a problem with her family because she is with me. That too is to be expected. It spills over to My oldest daughter who is best friends with her oldest daughter. The thing is life is complicated at times, and putting off something like what you need to do will complicate it even more. Just tell her.

                                                      Marco

Chaunte,

I came out to my wife about two weeks after I realized I was more than a cross dresser.  This realization dropped me into a major depression/identity crisis that was impossible to hide.  She knew something was wrong but I couldn't bring myself to immediately tell her.  I wasn't thinking very straight at all.

I think I did it all wrong (if only I knew then what I know now, LOL!)  I told her one night just before bed.  I had nothing prepared, the news was completely out of the realm of possibility for her and the natural result was that she freaked.  She loudly protested about how all this was going to affect her, which made me feel like she was being very selfish and upset me even more than I already was.  Very little sleep was to be had that night, for either of us.  It has taken her a good nine months, three hours with my therapist and finally reading "True Selves" to become a little more reasonable and understanding about it.  So, don't do it like I did!

While reading the other replies to your initial post I had the idea that you could take the time, if possible, just before a scheduled therapy session to come out to her, alone and prepared with your "info pack."  This way she wouldn't feel "ganged up on" and the opportunity to go with you to the therapist's would be immediately available.  She may not want to accompany you but the offer will be there.  If not, you can go and get support by yourself.  Perhaps you could prompt her by telling her that some of her questions might be better answered by your therapist.  If she goes with you then you can get the "expert" support that your therapist provides.

Just another idea,  Either way, Good Luck and remember we're all pulling for you! 

helen

Also, allow at least 3 times as much time as you think it will take.  I bet you didn't get much sleep that night Helen .  Personally, I couldn't have done any better than I did and we're still splitting, so sometimes there just isn't anything worth salvaging.

Melissa

It isn't if it is worth salvaging or not it is the difference of wants. I lost my SO for the same reason, she wants a MAN... No other reason.

As for when to tell, well, my SO was the FIRST person I told once I figured out what was up.

Quote from: Kimberly on May 25, 2006, 10:57:10 PM
I lost my SO for the same reason, she wants a MAN... No other reason.

As for when to tell, well, my SO was the FIRST person I told once I figured out what was up.

Big Ditto.

Melissa

When i first realized I was TS I tried several times to discuss it with my wife and kept chickening out. Finally after almost 2 weeks of trying I revealed it to her. I was surprised, expecting maybe to be ordered to the couch. Instead she reached over w/ a kleenex and dried my tears and held me close. She then said she needs to sleep on it and the next several days we spent our free time resaerching it and researching it. After hundreds of sites she turned and smiled and said her worries were at ease, this does not make her a lesbian. We talked about it for a couple more weeks and finally she said we were going shopping for dresses. I constantly keep her involved in my steps of transition (I am not going for surgery-we both have what we desire this way) and go through them step by step. If we try a step and she suddenly realizes shes not ready for it yet, for example make-up, I back off it until she's with me.
    The thing she found is the person she fell in love with who slowly faded away fro mher because of the scripted role I was in as a male suddenly surfaced for keeps and is even more than she thought. She finds I'm more romantic,attentive and helpful. She believes I was born the way I am for a very good reason and she says shes not trading me in for anything. I'm just one of the lucky gals and glad it went this way

Quote from: Kimberly on May 25, 2006, 10:57:10 PM
It isn't if it is worth salvaging or not it is the difference of wants. I lost my SO for the same reason, she wants a MAN... No other reason.

My wife and I had a long talk while driving back from a disasterous therapy session a few nights ago.

She told me, "You don't validate me as a woman."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean I need to be wanted, and I mean REALLY wanted - by a man."

"But what about those times I am aggressive? The times I seem like a guy?"

"Doesn't matter. It's still you."

"So wait... even if I throw you down on the dining room table every night, desperate to have you..."

"Doesn't matter. It's not the same. Coming from you, it doesn't make me feel validated as a woman. I don't feel feminine."

So... great. I can't win. She did go on to say we can probably work around it, that nothing is perfect, etc., etc. A glimmer of hope.

Quote
As for when to tell, well, my SO was the FIRST person I told once I figured out what was up.

Same here, though she now swears that I never stressed how *pervasive* the TSism was/is within my everyday thoughts. She claims I gave her the impression that it was just a phase that came and went. She asked, "So even when we were dating, you were thinking about all this?"

And before I could catch myself, I blurted out, "Oh my GOD yes!" The emotion in my voice caught her off-guard - but I remembered how suddenly being around her just inflamed things all the more back then.

So... if you're gonna come out, be clear. Be detailed. Be thorough. Make sure they know it's not a phase and not going to ever go away.

Quote from: Kate on June 02, 2006, 12:22:26 PM
My wife and I had a long talk while driving back from a disasterous therapy session a few nights ago.

She told me, "You don't validate me as a woman."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean I need to be wanted, and I mean REALLY wanted - by a man."

"But what about those times I am aggressive? The times I seem like a guy?"

"Doesn't matter. It's still you."

"So wait... even if I throw you down on the dining room table every night, desperate to have you..."

"Doesn't matter. It's not the same. Coming from you, it doesn't make me feel validated as a woman. I don't feel feminine."

Me and my wife had something very similar.  I decided that I wasn't going to spend my whole life *trying* to please her.  I would rather both of us be happy.  We will remain friends and both be parents to the kids.  I actually feel more freedom now than I felt being married.  In a way, I'm kind of in an ideal situation.  I don't have to spend time working on a marriage that's not going to work, not much else has really changed.  We're not separating for now, so I don't have those feelings of loss and longing for her companionship.

Melissa

Chaunte,
I never came out to my spouse when she meet me I was already transitioning so she went in know exactly what she was getting into.
(but still somehow managed to talk me out of transitioning  & I went back to being male for 2yrs) But It sounds like to me that your spouse seems to genuinly care about you and the "issue" she's aware that you have. So maybe you should consider her suggestion.

PS
I left my wife 2 yrs ago because I like Men way too much and didn't want to violate our marriage vows by cheating on her.

I think August will be the time when I explain everything to her.

I want one last summer with the kids before everything changes.  And it has to change.  Telling her that I am transgendered changes the rules & the relationship, such as it is.

I have made my contingency plans should things happen the way I think they will.  (I know that this has been a point of discussion and I am not trying to reopen that line.  THis was something I needed to do before I could procede.  Have I gone a step or so too far?  Possibly.  Nevertheless, my own mental health required that I have contingency plans in place.)

Every morning I see my kids is a treasure.  Every evening a treat.

Part of me is terribly sad at what I believe the outcome will be when I come out. 
Part of me is relieved that I have accepted who and what I am.
All of me is ready to resolve this.

Chaunte

Heghlu'meH QaQ jajvam

Good luck Chaunte.

Melissa

Try to be optimistic!
Even Pandora thought all was lost when she open the box but as she looked deeper into the box she notice there was one thing still left HOPE

Chynna