Hello

* sorry for editing, I tried to post here before but the system told me I couldn´t so I didn´t want to write something long only to find out it had been a waste of time  *

Ok I´m quite sure it won´t make any difference but here goes nothing...I´m feeling so miserable...and I haven´t got any friends so I guess it´s up to you to put up with my problems. And there´s no emoticon strong enough to express what I´m feeling right now as tears are growing in the corner of my eyes.

I was about 6 y.o. when I saw on TV a beautiful girl doing gymnastics and I clearly remember thinking " I want to be like that "...I imediately started crossdressing to try and resemble the girl I had seen...and then by the age of 13, I was wearing my hair long and as I walked into a bookshop the shop attendant asked me " Can I help you Miss ? " !!! I was so proud of that but my parents didn´t like it very much. I was so repressed and caught in the act when I was a teen...the pressure eventually led me to join the Navy as a volunteer at the age of 17 - to be " a real man "...
Then I was involved in a freaking accident and I eventually got married to a girl I met while convalescing because I " had to " live like a man . She´s been understanding as far as my TG issues are concerned but crossdressing on one day of the weekend isn´t enough for me anymore, it never was...Our love life sucks and we haven´t got any kids.
I fell into depression and I even stopped eating once...I went to talk to a lady psychologist and she told me I should interact with the TG/CD community but that never happened, I never had support and understanding enough from the significant other.
Now I ended up wishing to be alone all the time and I feel infinitely sad, crying over the wasted years...and nothing interests me much in this half-world I have to live in...
There´s a couple of things I´m sure of though - I know that I´m beautiful and I can show it but I know that my dreams are dyeing ; I´m sure I want to give and take love as a woman would ; and I know that I wouldn´t want to break anyone heart...mine will be destroyed before that.

I expect nothing from this post. Thank you for your time.

Hello and welcome Marlene,
Would you care to share a little more information about yourself?
Nero

Welcome

Take sometime to look around Im sure you'll find yourself at home!

Chynna

Welcome SHY Marlene!

Bloody hell...did I double post

Sorry...

Yes I know Marlene. A lot of wasted years. What in the world to do about it? What if you have to break someone's heart? Are you prepared to sacrifice yourself at that altar? Do humans need to do that?
You are living in a realm of twilight, at best, aren't you? I think we all here have been there, I was in darkness for some time. A lot of wasted years.
You have such a tender heart, it is apparent. It will be alright sweetie. You know what is in your heart of hearts. That puts you ahead of a lot of the human race.
Since you are under this 15 posts minimum for awhile and can't personal message etc. listen: You can see my email, here, click on my user name from this thread. You feel free to email me any time, you have someone to talk to, even if it's Uknow 'virtual'.
Love
Jan

Marlene,

Welcome to Susans and thank you for sharing with us. You have come to the right place for support information and advice. We are a pretty friendly bunch here and you will make lots of new friends.

Are you from England Marlene? We got a few members here from England too.

Good Journey,


* *

Michelle

Quote from: Marlene on May 30, 2006, 10:09:13 AMNow I ended up wishing to be alone all the time and I feel infinitely sad, crying over the wasted years...and nothing interests me much in this half-world I have to live in...

You're not alone Marlene - though I realize that hardly helps to hear that.

But honestly, poke around the forum a bit, and you'll hear your story told through so many others as well. I don't know if you'll find answers and solutions, but you WILL find understanding and compassion. WE KNOW.

Do you have a therapist now? Not that you HAVE to, but it's often helpful to have someone to talk to face-to-face.

I understand perfectly the "crying over the wasted years." The spin I put on it is to realize that I simply wasn't ready before - that things needed to "ripen" before they could be faced honestly. I'm guessing we both wish we could have "solved" this long, long ago... but for whatever reason, Destiny chose to wait until now. So we move forward from here.

Would you transition if you could?

Your dreams don't have to die. Dreams... have a way of becoming real regardless of what we *think* we're doing or not doing. ESPECIALLY dreams of ourselves.

Welcome to the forum. You're amoungst friends here

I was just going to alter my original post but it seems that your intro requires more than one post.
The story sounds familar...and Im sure quiet a few will agree with me I know it seems as if your stuck or trapped I know you constantly think of the mistakes and "wasted time you spent" So do most of us, No time spent is wasted it only helps you better understand yourself and who you truly are.
I too fell into the trap of wasting my time by even getting married to a woman while I was beginining my transition (before HRT - Hormone replacement therapy). which made me stop my transition and be the man she wanted me to be.
That 2 year experience ended with me fully accepting who and what I am A Transsexual
and for awhile I considered this time period as wasted time until I realized that. during that time it only strengthened within me and made me face the reality of who I am. and now without a second thought in my mind I am all that I am suppossed to be Simply ME.

QuoteThere´s a couple of things I´m sure of though - I now that I´m beautiful and I can show it but I know that my dreams are dyeing ; I´m sure I want to give and take love as a woman would

Time wasted I think not sounds like you learned a lot.

Puting a postive spin on things
Chynna
The 1, The only, just ME boo.

OMG girls I don´t know what to say...I don´t feel embarrassed at all mind you, I feel like I can open my heart and let it all out and that´s something of great value to me and to us all. It didn´t happen for a long time...I´m glad you can´t see I´m crying 
- not a pretty sight...now that I lost the ability to smile

No I´m not from England but I´m really really flattered you think I am, I come from one of those small,stupid,over-catholic, narrowminded countries of Southern Europe...
I´m lost, I don´t know what to do, I can´t afford counselling ( it wouldn´t do much good anyway...).
I´m brave enough to put an end to my own misery...then why can´t I do the smart thing and alllow my dreams to live ?
I need advice...and a reason to go on.

Thanks all for the support...this is beginning to feel like family and a long lost home. Sorry I get so emotional sometimes I´m feeling really silly right now...

Find the courage to go on by knowing you touched the lives of so many people on this site alone today who have read this.

You said you were crying...those are tears of joy & releif all the more reason to go on you found joy and relief just off of expressing yourself
You'll find the courage to go on by knowing that you are NOT alone....

You'll find the courage to go on by realizing the truth for which you are just begining to see...
So many of "us" here have begun this journey in much the same way you are begininning which is why we are all here to begin with....
To lean on each other, confide in one another and most importantly to understand & learn from each other You now have a vast environment of friends in which to grow

you have such an interesting journey that you are just now beginning.



I once was lost now I am found
Chynna

Marlene,
       Many of us here can relate to your situation. I to wasted many years trying to be someone and something I'm not. I began to transition 17 years ago, only to turn back around to be a woman to make my mother happy. Big mistake. I got married to a man, and had 4 kids just to turn back to who I know I have always been. My top surgery is Aug.7th. What will that do to my kids? I don't know. I can only hope they will still love me for who I am on the inside, not the outside. You have to be who you feel you are on the inside, not what others percieve you as on the outside or would rather you be. I can tell you that it never goes away. Never. You need to find a gender-friendly theripist you can afford. I know it is not cheap by any means, but is crucial in you getting to where you want to go in your life. Welcome Marlene, and know you are not alone.
                                               Marco

Welcome Marlene,
Hang on to your dreams.
Me, it took me 55 years to realize I was living what everyone else wanted me to be. Now I am becoming the person I should have been, but I was never strong enough before. I always had to make everybody else happy while I made myself miserable. I would make myself forget the hurt until I could feel very little of anything. I'm still working on being the real me.
You're ahead of me; I can already see that beautiful caring woman that you are inside by your postings. Let her come out it will be okay.
Please try to get some consoling. You need some one you can talk to face to face.
Here's an idea. Is there any protestant churches around you might try pastors they can be good counselors too. The hard part maybe to find one who understands transgender issues. They will often console with minimal or not cost.
Just an idea.
I really do feel your pain Marlene. Share your feeling always helps.
One of Your Sister's,
Jillieann

Marlene, I am so touched by your introduction that I find it hard to figure out what to say.  Please remember that you have a place here at Susan's in which you are accepted for who you are.  Use us as a resource, even if we are the only one, to help you feel, at least a little bit, whole.

I'm 3 months shy of my 51st birthday and I just began to figure out last July who I really am.  I know what you're feeling in terms of your regret.  I sometimes help myself with that by remembering some lines of a Sanskrit poem I used to have hanging on my wall: "For yesterday is but a memory and tomorrow is but a dream, therefore, Live for Today."

I try to do at least one thing, however small, every day, to move forward in my newfound recognition of my self.  That's what helps me from getting too low.  Maybe that would work for you too.

I'll be looking to see more posts from you.  Please accept my welcome too, 

helen

Marlene,

Your posts have touched me greatly, and I share your sorrow, pain and longing. 

Those 'overly Catholic southern European countries' are beginning to lighten up and are surpassing (Spain at least) our supposed Land of Freedom here in the USA.  Spain is passing a transsexual rights law.  Italy now has an openly transgender member of parliament.  Take heart.

As you've seen, several of us came to know ourselves late in life.  I had SRS on my 63rd birthday - 6 years ago next Tuesday.  You are quite a bit younger and will find your way if you will be true to who you are.

We're here to lend a hand, a willing ear, and a shoujlder to cry on when you need one.

Love and Light

Robyn
Recovering Catholic