I have to go with Arch on this one.  It sounds as if your guy may be feeling smothered.  He says he doesn't mind you calling all the time, but that may be because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings, or because he's worried if he says anything it will start a fight, or maybe he doesn't want to admit to himself that you're drifting apart.  It sounds to me as if you made the right decision to back off for a little while.  When he gets back to town, though, you two should have a frank discussion. No expectations, just honesty.  It sounds as if you have different expectations for a relationship.  The question is, can you come to an agreement that you can both live with?  You may both have to make some compromises.  Good luck, Brady.  My best wishes are with you.

Quote from: Nero on August 24, 2008, 04:17:03 PMYes, sadly, it would be for the better. Definitely sounds as if he feels free to live like he's single as Dan mentioned. Could be that while he loves you, he just wants to party and not settle down right now.
And I wouldn't trust him. What in the Sam Hill is he dancing for other guys for if not to get laid?

For serious.

I'm an entertainer. I love to entertain. But I avoid sexual things because I know that turns people on and makes them want to ->-bleeped-<-. I don't want people wanting in my pants. I know what to avoid. Every person in their right mind knows what to avoid when they're in a committed relationship.

I wouldn't use "feeling smothered" as an excuse. In short, he's being a slut.

Quote from: Elwood on August 24, 2008, 05:32:16 PM

Quote from: Nero on August 24, 2008, 04:17:03 PMYes, sadly, it would be for the better. Definitely sounds as if he feels free to live like he's single as Dan mentioned. Could be that while he loves you, he just wants to party and not settle down right now.
And I wouldn't trust him. What in the Sam Hill is he dancing for other guys for if not to get laid?

For serious.

I'm an entertainer. I love to entertain. But I avoid sexual things because I know that turns people on and makes them want to <not allowed>. I don't want people wanting in my pants. I know what to avoid. Every person in their right mind knows what to avoid when they're in a committed relationship.

I wouldn't use "feeling smothered" as an excuse. In short, he's being a slut.

That was awesome, Elwood hahahah.  Yeah, I just had a short conversation with him.  He said "Let me call you back here in a bit" and I said "Screw it, just call before you go to bed. See ya."

I'm thinking of having the talk with him tonight...I'm just very very scared.  I think it's because the only thing keeping me stable about going to college is knowing that he will be there soon.  If I don't have that to keep me grounded, I dunno how I will feel...

You can stay grounded for yourself, if not for him. Things will work out, one way or another

Good luck.

Just remember: Being single isn't the end of the world. I've been single for all 18 years of my life and I'm not dead. Depressed, but for different reasons. Being single doesn't bother me at all.

"If you don't know how to be by yourself, what are you going to do with somebody else?"

You still have your support system here if you need it, never forget that.

I know I deserve better treatment, but if I talk about it, I'm so scared I'm going to lose him which I know is dumb, but I love him...

I would personally feel smothered if my girlfriend wanted to talk to me for no reason other than to talk to me. We talk to impart information and we see each other on the weekends and that's the way I like it. Not saying your guy's like that, but it sounds like he's not likely to tell you he is feeling smothered if that's how he's feeling.

And his dancing and contests may be his reaction to that feeling. Or, as others have said, could be something worse. It's hard to tell if he's not going to be forthright about his feelings.

Dennis

Quote from: Brady on August 24, 2008, 10:43:09 PM
I know I deserve better treatment, but if I talk about it, I'm so scared I'm going to lose him which I know is dumb, but I love him...

No, not dumb at all.

You know your boyfriend and your relationship better than anyone else. Maybe it would help if you didn't have to wait so long--is there any way you can arrange to see him face to face before October, even if only for one day?

With that said, he does seem to be behaving rudely and treating you with some disrespect. People often don't choose to be that way--sometimes they find themselves acting stupidly against their will. This may be a factor of maturity, although I've seen plenty of people my age acting like ->-bleeped-<-s. I'm not trying to excuse his behavior or condone it, but sometimes we behave badly and don't really know why. I hope you can persuade him to talk about it.

I'm beaming positive vibes at you both.

Brady, long distance relationships can be hell.  As devoted as two people may be when one of them heads elsewhere for whatever reason, things often change.  It's kind of unhealthy to expect the same sort of relationship that you had when you were in close proximity.  Having emotional need for someone it's impossible to share physical space with is pretty maddening.  I'm sorry you're stuck in the position you are.  Is there any chance for one of you to visit the other, even for a weekend? 

Brady,
    Just read all this post and I feel for you! In my personal experience it seems to mark the beginning of the end - when it gets one sided. If the two of you had started off this way (you always texting and him not) than I'd say that's just how he is. But it seems like in the beginning he kept that line of communication open as much as you did. So, when that changes it's a clue as to what's going on. Sometimes when you first get together you have to text and call every 5 minutes but after a period of time you BOTH settle into a routine with it. I agree with Nero (and I should listen to that advice as well) and take your power back too. I think a lot of  guys get worried and think we will never find another person to put up with us so we had better hold onto what we got! In reality a better person is just around the corner. Anytime I've broken up with someone the next relationship is WAY better, but that doesn't make the
"break-up" any easier, and I don't know why! You would think it would be easier! Human nautre I guess...
    Don't ever give up the chance to better yourself for somebody else! EVER! You will ALWAYS end up resenting them for getting in your way! I know it's difficult but you have to put yourself first, because if you don't nobady else will either. Keep us posted as to how things are going! Bye the way I'm only about 1/2 hour from San Marcos if you are talking about Cali...Camden

Camden, talking about Texas 

As for the boy, I had a bit of a talk with him last night.  I brought it up several times and he changed the subject heinously.  At one point he seriously BARKED like a dog to change it.  lol I went "What the hell was that?" in which he responded "Nothing, I just said ruff." I said "How about you NOT change the subject and listen to what I have to say..."

Tell me if you guys find this legit.  I said "I don't like it when I don't get to talk to you..." and he said "It's okay.  You can make it all up in October." and I said "That's not the thing...I'd rather talk to you now too..." We kept talking and talking and sorted things out.  But, who knows how long this is going to last    If he starts up again, I might not have a choice...

Brady, your posts worry me. I hope you aren't offended but I would like to respond. The first and most important thing is you aren't happy with the current situation. This the warning sign you need to learn to listen to. Regardless of what you decide you need to pay attention to the voice inside you that is saying something not right. Your feelings are not wrong. Oh I am only on Brady's side here, if the relationship is meant to work out it will but Brady you need to learn how to be in a healthy relationship.

The fact that you say you can't live without this man is very telling. You are fully able to live emotionally and physically without him. If this is how you are feeling you need to at minimum set healthier boundaries and if you can't you need to take a break and address this is therapy. Being so involved with someone that you lose yourself is unhealthy.

Relationships are always a matter of give and take; but if you are expecting your partner to change you aren't loving your partner. If you say to him this is important for me and he can't or won't do it, you have to decide whether you will give this up for him. In the end the reason people do or don't stay together is if what they give up in is less important then what they keep. It is alright to love someone and say that they aren't the right person for you. Being in a committed relationship is one of the biggest connections in the world and it can't happen with everyone.

You mention that you trust him but also say he has to check in with you for you to be comfortable. I would really encourage you to think about that. If you trusted that he wasn't with someone else you wouldn't need confirmation but you risk being wrong. It sounds like you are fearing his loss and being hurt. Fearing these things will damage your relationship and will not change whether he is trustworthy or not.

In fairness I have broken up with people who were acting like this because I am not prepared to sacrifice my mental health to be in an unhealthy relationship. While I do want to be connected to the person I am dating, I do not want the person to lose them self in me nor me in them. I am not loving them if I let them destroy them self. Martyrs don't make good partners. I have also reacted with rebellion when I felt controlled by a partner.

I think it is good you are recognizing that you are lonely and seeking reassurance. It isn't very fair for your partner not to see that you need this reassurance. I personally would look at why you are feeling so isolated. A partner is never a substitute for friends, family and a life. If for someone it must be freely or else it will destroy your relationship. I hope you did not give up your dreams for this man. In addition no loving partner would encourage you to give up your dreams.

I have had healthy relationships with people who danced, were in the sex trade worker, waitresses, bar tenders and other professions that were sexually charged environments where I trusted my partner and they didn't betray me. The trust has to be there no matter what they do otherwise something isn't right.

As for barking like a dog... it does sound like your partner is frustrated by this as well.

Having read through, this is my take. Sorry for the length and if I am totally off base just ignore me. Trapthavok point is very good.

->-bleeped-<-boy

Well we had that talk, and so far today he is doing MUCH better, being very sweet and how he used to be.  I just hope it holds up.

->-bleeped-<-boy, I appreciate your honesty and I know that this relationship isn't healthy for me.  I just hate to admit it, you know?  Would you suggest therapy?