I apologize now if this subject has been discussed before, I tried to look it up in the "search" menu, but couldn't find anything For all I know maybe I've posted this before and just can't remember    Please humor me

As a...SLIGHTLY ...older women I still find myself getting depressed over the fact that I will never get to live and be the young girl I wished I could've been when I was in my early teens.

My therapist and I have discussed this, and she has told me that it is normal for <slightly> older TG people who are transitioning late(r) in life to have a "grieving period" for that youth lost as a girl/boy.

So, I wanted to ask all of you whether M2F or F2M, how do you deal with this if @ all? Have you ever obsessed over it as I have from time to time? If so, how did you get over that? I would appreciate any and all feed back/opinion's.

*special note: I'm not trying to offend anyone with the age (slightly older) reference, just adding some humor

I'm only 19, but I know what you mean. While I still had a pretty awesome time during high school and all that, I can't help but imagine what it would have been like to be physically male and go through all that.

When I was a little kid, I couldn't wait to be a teenager and hang out with friends, go places and all the things that my older brothers and sister did. Of course, sometimes I tagged along with them, but I guess for me... I wanted to experience that as a male. And sadly, probably because my lack of confidence at first during my first year of high school, I found it difficult to make friends. Though eventually that wasn't a problem during my second year, but the point is... I wanted to have friends like my brothers and even my sister had. I wanted to have the same kind of connection with my male friends that my cousins have. I was always considered one of the guys, but they didn't usually hang out with me. Most of my close friends were female and never really wanted to hang out with me, though they were very accepting of me.

I know I'm technically still a teen, but I do crave it and not too long ago I envied those who had what I couldn't have.

Hey grrl. Thanks for the kind words earlier. 

I will only grieve about lost time if I can't wrestle this illness to the ground and get on with things.
Sure, it would've been nice to get that experience of being a teen - young man but while life was hard, there are many things I got to do and get away with I never would as a man. Things some other men only get to dream about. I honestly doubt I'd trade those years. Childhood, on the other hand, is another story.

I think this grieving time thing is probably harder and more significant for transwomen than transmen.
Because a girl's teens through twenties are supposed to be very pivotal and magical years and are much celebrated in our culture. Guys', not so much.

I used to think the same way, what if? should I have? .... regrets

BUT, we cannot change the past, history is just that, a past life, past feelings, past experiences and often with much regret.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing to have and looking back, yes I would have done things differently, taken the course of action that I did a lot earlier and perhaps not hurt people I loved. I lived through years of pain, torment, anguish and self denial, because I was to paranoid and affraid to  do something I knew was right.

Since transition I am very much "a glass is half full" person and now my whole outlook has changed. I have learnt to accept that it is pointless trying to rationalize the past, only demons and regrets await from years gone by. Now it is a question of getting on with life, enjoying what I have and doing the one thing I can influence.....

Writing history yet to come.



Buffy

I still think that way when I go out to places on a friday or saturday night and see all the younger males out and about, being stupid and having a laugh. And I wish that I could have gone through that too. Im only 21 but I still have missed 21 years of life that I could have been living. It used to get me down but now I have to push it out of my mind and think about the 40+ years I get to act stupid! 

Thanx you guys!!! Great responses

Ahh, whose to say it would be any better?  Might you have been a boy/girl with GID and not a girl/boy?  People always think the past is somehow open to a level of perfection that the present does not offer.

Quote from: scarboroughfair on October 10, 2008, 02:26:11 PM
I hear you, this sorta thing sits in the back of my mind to.
I wrote a poem about missing the prom as a girl...
I was at a night club last month, and I'm so glad it was rather dark in there!!!The reason why, was after a few hour of being there, I started sinking really low emotionally!
I was watching all the genetic women get all the attention, I looked at their bodies wanting what they have.
With out warning the hot tears started rolling down my cheeks!
I never had this happen to me in public!
Everything flashing through my mind, especially the age factor.
I went up to the techno room of the club and sat there for hours just staring at the crowd crying of and on.
Right now, this is one thing that I don't have an answer for.
For me, I just have to let it run it's course till I'm cried out.
But thankfully it's rare for me to get that depressed over my age.

Thanx for responding hon   can't wait till I'm all cried out too

Quote from: tekla on October 10, 2008, 04:09:24 PM
Ahh, whose to say it would be any better?  Might you have been a boy/girl with GID and not a girl/boy?  People always think the past is somehow open to a level of perfection that the present does not offer.

I hear what you're saying tekla, well put....still, can't help it sometimes
thanx for responding, all of you

I am 54 and I sometime wish I had been a young girl, etc., etc.   But there is no use in crying over split milk, as the saying goes.  I take each day as it comes and I am just glad that now I am the woman I was meant to be.  I may act dumb at times ( The whole Mistress Janet thing ) , but each time something happens to make me even smile a little, I know that this is right.  I was called 'Miss' on the phone today several times and that makes my day.

Quote from: Janet Lynn on October 10, 2008, 07:40:49 PM
I am 54 and I sometime wish I had been a young girl, etc., etc.   But there is no use in crying over split milk, as the saying goes.  I take each day as it comes and I am just glad that now I am the woman I was meant to be.  I may act dumb at times ( The whole Mistress Janet thing ) , but each time something happens to make me even smile a little, I know that this is right.  I was called 'Miss' on the phone today several times and that makes my day.

Thanx Janet

I got "Miss"d the other night @ a hospital visiting a friend, and I wasn't anywhere near en-femme I went up to the info desk and spoke to these two other women, one of whom was obviously in training. I had this head scarf on, my hair is long too and this back pack I had on was also pulling my shirt taut so we'll just say accentuated my chest She looked a little embarrassed and confused when she said it, but I just said "thank you", smiled and went up to my friends room Then, I came out to my friend when I got up there because she had been wondering a little about me she said. She's very supportive and actually said "well, it's about time"  

Heh, I didn't get quite what I bargained for either, but I'm trying to be economical about it.

You see, all that time that I MIGHT have spent hanging out with friends, watching movies, or learning to sing cheers at teenaged blockheads, I spent expanding my horizens through literature and study.

Well, now I'm a third year student of biochemistry, and I'm going to cash out on it to get a full-fledged sex change operation.

I'll have enough leftover to purchase myself a small army of boy slaves.

When it becomes an option, I'm going to get myself a fully functional uterus.

Beware of my evil spawn.

Money makes it all better, hehehe.

I'm not a mtf or ftm but this affects me too. I grieve for my childhood, not being able to express the wholeness of my being. Being made to be a boy.

I try to look back and just see that it was beyond my countrol. I still have that kid in me and I try to nurture them with what I have now. They are doing ok.

allow me to simply offer my
honour and respect to your
grieving process, support for
your strength as you go forward

godspeed all who walk this path....
wishing you hope and healing

hizmom

Being 50, I will admit to wishing I had a chance to experience those young teenage years as who I am.  But if wishes were dollars, my SRS still would not be paid for.  It's not something that crosses my mind often.

Do I fantasize about it?  No. 

Do I wonder what it would have been like, on occassion.

But, its water under the bridge.  Who knows how long I will be on this planet?  I could spend my life looking backwards, or I can look at each sunrise as a new day living as the real me.

Chaunte

Hi grl, As another slightly older woman (closer to 62), I would first state that the anti-depressants help me at least  . That said, I think a lot of the feelings like that are not based on a transgender specific problem but a broader life history and individuals way of coping.

You could liken it to a grieving process. My psyche as it is has trouble handling things of this nature so I can empathize with you. I just discussed this with my Therapist last week and while the feelings of loss linger, just being able to throw a rant seems to offset the pain a little.

I look back at last July when I was contemplating my demise and where I am at today, ready to move from 80% to 100% FT and it helps me to be grateful that I am at least going to spend whatever time I have left being who I really am. If you have a Therapist or someone you usually confide in, have a talk with them about this and I think the pain will be eased a bit. Hugs

Wendy

I feel gypped, yes. It bothers me not to have had a girlhood or a young womanhood. I wish I could have just one day out my whole stupid life to just roll out of bed and be in a body that entirely matches who I am. It is one thing to arrive at mid life having had thos things, and another to start out there, in many ways. Especially, as Nero has pointed out, because youth matters more for females, I think.

Sometimes I could cry or just scream. Other times I just look at some girl who reminds me of myself in some way, and I'll think, that should have been me.

A wise man once wrote that if you go north, you'll regret the life you might have had in the south...if you go south, you'll have even more regrets. I love that I transitioned--there are rewards every day. But am I angry, sad, feeling cheated? Yes, those things, too.

Stealth

Quote from: funnygrl on October 08, 2008, 12:09:50 AM
My therapist and I have discussed this, and she has told me that it is normal for <slightly> older TG people who are transitioning late(r) in life to have a "grieving period" for that youth lost as a girl/boy.

Lol... I started transition at 20, and still felt what you're talking about.  How nice it would have been to have been totally accepted as female at school, to have had the high-school sweetheart, all of that... but then, I wouldn't be the person that I am today.  I fought hard to get where I am, and I think that if I had had an easier life, not having to deal with my gender issues, that that might not have been the case.  I might have gotten knocked up and stuck in the small town that I'm from.  So, in the end, I really can't complain.

Lia

Sometimes it can be hard watching little girls and seeing the life I'll never have, but life is in the moment, Everyone TS or not has their hopes and regrets. Live for now, enjoy whats good, that's all anyone can do.

I grieve for the fact I can't redo it... I don't think I'd ever want to be a different person for societal rites of passage.

However... The fact I can't get a refund from my educational torture at least disturbs me a little. That I can't relive those years as myself, but as a girl.

The fact I could never have known my mom as a girl when she was more sane and nice gets to me a little.

Like being driven around in the old minivan to costco even, or just whatever. I don't even care. I used to be taken to go swimming or stuff like that, and to do that years ago as a girl with my mom before she went nuts would just be so much nicer... I had it as a male though. Too bad -_-

That was RIGHT when my obsession started actually... I still considered myself a boy from that perspective so it was just this weird idea that came to me. Instead of being fascinated by things I liked, I'd be distracted more and more by the bonus section of the puberty book my mom bought for me... The section on girls.

Thats right about when my life started to become a great duality coping mechanism or something...

I really mourn that the opposite didn't happen, and that she wasn't giving me just that bonus sectioned book... Even though I remember hating it when she gave the book to me... Like what a joke, right? I already know all of this stupid crap!

But if it were just the other book... In some other dimension I'm sure, and she's a lucky bitch, that alternative me. She's laughing at the fact her mom would buy her a stupid book like that, and has no effing idea how lucky she is...

Since I believe in reincarnation... I go on the notion that I've only missed it this time around. And I believe I will live that part of my life the way it's supposed to be lived next time, or the time after. So there's nothing to grieve for because I don't believe that those years have been lost forever... just this time in order for me to learn and experience a different perspective in this life.