today i had my physical which is my second to last appointment before i get my shot. i have never had one before and have managed to avoid one at all costs until now. i knew that i had to do it inorder to proceed with getting my T. i was absolutely terrified and incredibly uncomfortable sitting there waiting for him to come back into the room after i changed into those stupid plastic robes. he took 15 minutes to come back, so i was sitting there, freaked out and nervous not knowing what to expect and having that fear and anxiety grow every second for 15 minutes!

it was hands down the worst experience ever. it felt degrading and invasive. i can handle negative transphobic comments from people, or even getting beaten for it , atleast i know how to deal with that. but how do i deal with the really uncomfortable feelings from that, burned into my brain?

were/ are physicals that bad for everyone? or am i just abnormally sensitive to it?

i feel really off today and don't know what to do with how i'm feeling...

it made me feel very inadequate as a man, like a reaffirmation that i was born female. it makes me nauseaus thinking about it.

while i was getting the physical i found myself getting really pissed off at the doctor (not visibly or audibly, but to myself). i know he didn't do anything and that i have to get it done. i don't know what my deal was.

i'm still pissed off  , crappy day over all. hope feelings go away soon.


-tino-

^{*looks you straight in the eyes*}
Body does not determine who you are, YOU DO.

Who cares what form you were born with? I don't. I know what I was born with sure as anything does NOT define me. Only I get that privilege.

I can't really comment on a physical though, I have avoided them like the plague and will continue to do so for as long as possible :\


If it helps any, when I do not like how I am feeling I usually try and do something else to take my mind off of what is bothering me. Often, that meant playing whatever MMORPG I was subscribed to at the time but anything that requires concentration works pretty good. Just stay safe

Hang in there Mister

I hate them. I go when I'm supposed to, but I totally hate them. My doctor does the best she can to not make me uncomfortable and really understands how awful they are, so she's cool about not recommending them too frequently.

Hysto soon (well, whenever I get through the waiting list) then I'm done with that particular aspect of them. I don't mind the rest of it - blood tests etc. Just that part.

Dennis

Aah Wolfie,

Now if you want to imagine a degrading and humiliating situation, think Army physical exam    The only good thing about it is everyone is examined at the same time.

And yet, when I was expected to go and have a prostrate exam (a joyful experience for men once they turn 50) and I was refusing - my wife got angry at me, said that all the invasive examinations women have to submit to, whatever was I carrying on about.

What do they say, just close your eyes and think of England (or whatever US people think of)

And I'm not knocking or mocking you Wolfie, believe me I sympathise

Rana

Hey Tino,
         I'm not so sure Marco will post to this because the mere thought of that nauseates him.  He might PM you though.  He and I can't even talk about all the "stuff" that has to do with that area without talking in code.  He is really uncomfortable with that topic.  Those exams are the worst for him.  But then he's had four kids...think what he went through with that.  He loves his kids dearly, but he cringes if he has to mention anytime when he was pregnant.
         That (I'm pretty sure) is Marco's perspective, mine is that I can completely sympathize with the uncomfortableness of it.  Even though I am happy with the parts I have, that exam has got to be one of the most humiliating.  One of my personal favorites (extreme sarcasm) is when my legs are in the stirrups and the doctor keeps telling me to scoot down.  I swear I feel like my knees are super glued together.  The doctor keeps trying to get me to relax them, but it's next to impossible.  The whole time I have those exams, I lay there thinking...Why would anybody go into this profession?  Could you imagine some of the sick stuff they have to see?  I've asked a couple of doctors and the answer is usually the same.  They go into that profession to bring babies into the world.  Having to do those exams is just something that comes witht he job.
         Tino, like Kimberly said, that exam doesn't define who or what you are.  Just because your body has those parts that, unfortunately need to be examined, that doesn't make you any less a man.  All that matters is who you are on the inside.  If there is one thing that I have learned in my quest for information on transsexualism, it is that body parts don't define your gender...what you feel you are on the inside is what defines your gender.

Hang in there...try to put it out of your mind (I know that is easy for me to say) and have a great time at you birthday BBQ!  Also, I will send Amy a PM and tell you to give you some good hot lovin' tonight...that should snap you right back into manhood!!

Pam

Tino,
It took me a moment to realize what kind of exam you were talking about. I know the experience is so awful you can barely think about it let alone write about it.
I hate those exams! My body dysphoria really isn't that severe (the only part I despise is my chest), the reason I hate these exams is for me they hurt like hell, and no matter how hard I try to control myself, I always end up crying out like some pussy and come out really embarassed because everyone heard me.
So, yeah, I can relate to the fear, the anxiety,the discomfort, the humiliation.
Please just remember, Tino, you are not defined by your genitals.
For those times that you have to go through something like this, try to remember that this is your body and no matter how it looks, it doesn't belong to a woman.

Nero

Oh, I get it now.  Those exams.  I understand why that would be so uncomfortable.  I recently had to get a testicular ultrasound last year and I have to admit that was quite unpleasant.

Melissa

i'm not even gonna look for a doc til i move, but the thought of that kind of exam is really unnerving and i hate the thought of it.

i haven't been to a doc since elementary school... so about 20 years. i have always refused to go to a doctor for anything, even broken bones and dislocated joints. I can't even imagine how a physical is gonna be. >.<

Ha!  I avoided doctors for many years myself.  I never got sick or anything where I had to go, so I didn't even have medical insurance for a long time.  Now with transition, I need to go much more often.

Melissa

My job requires tht I get a medical each year if I don't I loose my certifications and license to teach.  No big deal, I've gotten used to all the prodding and poking around those sensitive areas and it's now routine.  When I started my transition I was seeing my Dr. every three months, she extended it to every four months.  Now as she is happy with the HRT and my general health and she now only wants to see me every six months.

I'm lucky that my Dr. is a great one

Steph

I think everyone can relate to your experience, with some variations though.
I don't like to have physical exams either because I also find them invasive.  You can always try to find a physican that is transgender friendly.  I did.  Sometimes your gender therapist may have a list of doctors you can go to for physicals and "those" tests.

tinkerbell

Wolfie|Tino

Let's just say from where i sit and what i've read

"YOUR ALL MAN TO ME BABY BOY!"

But being someone who has been in and out of ER's for the past 1yr due to my illness I find it "uncomfortable" in general in situations like that Wht I tend to do is find the "humorous" aspect out of the situation It helps a lot.
What the hell is humorous about that right?!
Well being that I never have and never will have that "exact type" of experience You'll have to be the judge of that one normally when I feel uncomfortable in situations like that I let the individual know Im uncomfortable.
Case in point:
one time I had to have this rather large needle inserted extremely close to an area wich most men consider ultra-sensative
so That required the nurse or nurse aid (i didn't ask) to see me naked So I had to explain to her that "UM....normally I like being poked with objects but where your going to have to stick that your gonna find something that may get in your way sort of speak"
she had this puzzled look on her face and I simply said "read MY chart boo"
And I voiced to her that I was very uncomfortable with her seeing me naked simply because I thought that she would see me as "less than a woman" She just used that my own line on me that "A woman or man is not judged purely on there sex organs but by there personna and you have represented yourself to be nothing but a lady and a woman since you got here"
Problem solved in my head!!

or

I find it uncomfortable but somewhat amusing when I was in the ER and the doctor walked in reading my chart looked at me turned back around looked at the room number then looked back at the chart then back at me!
I got tired of him looking confused and just said "Yes baby, its me! come on in!"

or yet another.

Doctor asks "why are you taking Estrogen?"
I say " Read the chart BOO! "
doctor says: "Oh.....oh........OH!!!....."
I laugh and reply " well now that we know whats what and what plumbing were both working with can we get this little problem fixed?'

just remember we do what we have to do baby to get where WE need to be........grit and bear!
SORRY your having such a bad day thou

I spend way too much time in the hospital
Chynna

Hi Chynna:
That nurse spoke with the perfect words.  They might have been your lines, but when someone else says them and means them, that's refreshing!
tinkerbell

Quote from: Rana on June 17, 2006, 10:39:36 AM
And yet, when I was expected to go and have a prostrate exam (a joyful experience for men once they turn 50)

I just had my first testicular and prostate exam a few weeks ago (at 42). I wasn't expecting it, as my prior physicals never included it. It took a few seconds to connect the latex glove, lubrication lotion she was pouring into it, and "drop your pants" request. It was a memorable epiphany moment.

Quote
What do they say, just close your eyes and think of England (or whatever US people think of)

In the middle of the groping it ocurred to me, "Geezus, I am paying this woman to do this to me..."

QuoteAnd I'm not knocking or mocking you Wolfie, believe me I sympathise

At least our tests are over with quickly. I can't imagine going through that. Strangely, I was much more upset about the prostate exam than having my male parts groped. It's just such a violation, so humiliating. Not the same as what the females (physically) go through, but still... geez.

tino I totally  get that just remember tomorrow is another day 

thanks a lot ladies and gents. when i post stuff like this sometimes i forgot that i'm not interacting with ignorant, condeming people and that we have all/ are all going through a lot of the same experiences and feelings.

Quote from: MarcosGirl on June 17, 2006, 11:31:00 AM

Also, I will send Amy a PM and tell you to give you some good hot lovin' tonight...that should snap you right back into manhood!!

That would be great... but...

has anyone else found that after that it's just kind of hard to think about sex or feel comfortable with it? i know this can't last forever (i REALLY hope not). really want to, but it's like i'm afraid to, or just, a little messed up at this time to even think about it.

also i found that it's like having post traumatic stress disorder (ptsd), i can't lie in certain positions that trigger thoughts and fears from that little experience.

i guess i just feel like a wuss (which i really generally am not!) b/c this is messing me up so badly, but i've just got to ride this out and deal with it.

Quote from: Chynna on June 17, 2006, 08:39:25 PM

"YOUR ALL MAN TO ME BABY BOY!"

and

Quote from: MarcosGirl on June 17, 2006, 11:31:00 AM
Just because your body has those parts that, unfortunately need to be examined, that doesn't make you any less a man.  All that matters is who you are on the inside. 

thank you both ladies, that was really great to hear and today has helped a lot with that as well. i was called "sir" and referred to as "this gentleman here" instead of "boy" or a number of other unpreferable terms much worse than that!

amy is being really supportive with everything and really understands everything without me even having to say anything. that is really helpful b/c like marco, i can't even think about it, let alone verbalize it. code is always great, but avoiding it all together has been one of my all time favorites. that's also one of the reasons why amy thinks this was such a jarring experience. i've spent so much of my life not even knowing what was going on with any aspect of my "bio self", that when this little event happend it was shocking and really unpleasent (except when she explains it, it sound really educated and professional! almost like she's been studying trans issues for years now).

this site has been SO great for both of us and we are really greatful to have such amazing, understanding men and women to talk with about things that otherwise never really see the light of day.

-Tino-

Tino,
   I hesitated on posting here. I mean you feel like hell I know. See, now the physical I had last Monday was not to that point. Thank God. I had to strip to my underwear, and had the paper gown going on, but he just tested my reflexes and felt my muscle mass and noticed my scruff under my chin and said my body should do well with injections, and what to expect. He didn't go into the sex drive but of course I knew about that. It is already very high now, so in a bit here if it gets like it was last time I was on it that will be at times out of control. Well, at least I am not alone on that one. Anyway, atleast the worst is over, and just know it is what you had to do to move on. I will tell you what, to avoid that for me and Im sure you too ever again, a year after top surgery, we can get all that bottom stuff taken out then that won't happen again. Hang in there man.

                                                    Marco

Thats funny it shows how physcials are different for different areas of the US.   I used to worry about going to get a physical with my painted nails and shaved areas, and panties.  But the last two yearly physicals I have had at age 58 and 59 I found it didn't matter.   I had to take off nothing.   Reflexes and everything were done fully clothed and my prostrate was checked by a finger stick in the lab because the doctor said they can run blood tests that can detect prostrate cancer problems five years ahead.   And just when I was beginning to look forward to that finger.  Thats how it goes girls.  These doctors were older doctors also more nearly my age.   They must have grown tired of the old finger probe.

Ask around girls, it may not be as bad as it seems unless you need a pap smear.

well, i guess maybe it's different in the US, but in canada, i had to get the full exam bull->-bleeped-<-... don't want to paint the picture, but i'm sure everyone knows the deal.

i'm taking a few days to just hang out with amy and try to get back to normal (lots of stress with family lately to). will be posting lots again soon.

to marco:
thank for the super long email man, i will respond to it asap! i didn't know about 90% of that, i appreciate the info a lot. =)


-tino-