OK I grilled him this weekend, not the grill literally but none the less I had to know more about his past, I showed him my post here and told him I use Susans as a guide sometimes, he was intrigued to say the least and thought this place was cool.... Well after the grilling he told me he used to think he was gay, he had sex with a few other men but still liked women, so he figured he was bisexual, he had been with another man about a week before we meet then when he found out I had alien parts he told me I was the perfect woman I told him I'm far from perfect but I am a woman we had a great weekend never really left the bedroom LOL

be careful... the whole relationship built around you being a woman with ladypole may colapse post srs..

LOL lady pole thats hilarious, if you are refering to the very limp small extra piece of alien skin that hangs down lifeless as my lady pole then we have nothing to worry about LOL

ROFL @ "ladypole"...

So last Sunday we went out halloween costume hunting. We walked around the stores hand in hand, not a care in the world but finding cool costumes. We then went for japanese food and ended up kissing in the car to the Pulp Fiction soundtrack.
Because everything has been so nice, I've planned to come out next week. He has the potential of me really falling for him so I think I should bring the moment to its proverbial crisis.

I'm thinking of doing it via email... is this a good idea? or is it better at a restaurant and face to face? This is so complicated

Quote from: soldierjane on October 28, 2008, 09:40:06 AMI'm thinking of doing it via email... is this a good idea? or is it better at a restaurant and face to face? This is so complicated

NO, NOT BY EMAIL! That is too impersonal!

You need to be face to face with him but you need more privacy than a restaurant but where there are people not too far away. Maybe a park? It is REALLY important for him to be there close to you so he can see how much it upsets you and how afraid you are. With any luck at all, his protective instincts will kick in and he can be the gallant knight coming to your rescue.

Quote from: soldierjane on October 28, 2008, 09:40:06 AM
ROFL @ "ladypole"...

So last Sunday we went out halloween costume hunting. We walked around the stores hand in hand, not a care in the world but finding cool costumes. We then went for japanese food and ended up kissing in the car to the Pulp Fiction soundtrack.
Because everything has been so nice, I've planned to come out next week. He has the potential of me really falling for him so I think I should bring the moment to its proverbial crisis.

I'm thinking of doing it via email... is this a good idea? or is it better at a restaurant and face to face? This is so complicated

Definitely not by email. I came out to my boyfriend via IM, but that's because we started out online and hadn't met in person yet.

Face to face is definitely the way to go, but I would also advise against a restaurant unless you can get a fairly private booth. However, even with that, it'd be very easy for him to make things incredibly embarassing and difficult for you if he turns out transphobic. Have people around, though.

Another issue with something impersonal like email: If he happens to turn out transphobic, he could give you an innocuous reply via email and then attack you alone in private in person. If you tell him face to face, you can see his immediate reaction. Unless he's got an incredible poker face, he's not likely to be able to trick you with a faked "positive" response. You'll know if he reacts positively or negatively.

I hate to sound pessimistic (especially considering how well my relationship has turned out), but better to be prepared than unprepared. As the Shin'a'in say, "That which is prepared for never happens."

Quote from: soldierjane on October 28, 2008, 09:40:06 AM
So last Sunday we went out halloween costume hunting. We walked around the stores hand in hand, not a care in the world but finding cool costumes. We then went for japanese food and ended up kissing in the car to the Pulp Fiction soundtrack.
Because everything has been so nice, I've planned to come out next week. He has the potential of me really falling for him so I think I should bring the moment to its proverbial crisis.

I'm thinking of doing it via email... is this a good idea? or is it better at a restaurant and face to face? This is so complicated

Definitely not by e-mail, even tho' given that's how you met it makes a kind of sense, but I think things have got too personal between you for that anymore.

I'd suggest a quiet restaurant, you need to be in a public place just in case things turn really sour, but from your description of your guy that doesn't seem likely.

You've read my story from last Sunday (Just for us forum) ... I didn't pre-plan to "reveal" but we were one of the last couples left in the candlelit Italian restaurant, he was asking searching questions like why he'd never been introduced to my oldest and closest friends who I so often talked about, I felt I was deceiving him, and the dutch courage made the moment seem appropriate ...

Guess if I'd gone out with a plan to "reveal all" during a particular date I'd have been a nervous wreck by the time it came to telling ... maybe its better to have your words ready and pick the moment when the situation seems right ?

All I know was that when I told John and he realized I was serious, the first thing he asked was whether I still had a certain part of my anatomy ... asked twice ... despite having explored there with his hand more than a few times.  It was clearly important to him and its why I so fear for your outcome.

John reassured me that I was a woman as far as he was concerned, that what was in the distant past was not important, that he loved my smile, but what would have been his reaction if I was pre-op ?  Or when he finds out that I'm only four years transitioned ?  Or when he's had a few days to take it in ?

But I strongly believe that as a pre-op you are doing the right thing by coming out early, its something that you can't hide and you need to know your boyfriend's feelings before you invest your emotions.  Unlike me you don't have the luxury of four months to "hook" him, and the option never to tell if you don't feel the relationship will really last.

Laura x

Thank you for your thoughts, Laura, again I hope John stays with you:)
Today we went out for lunch together (we work in the same area of town) and I think that if I protract this too much I'll go bonkers. I have to either face his rejection or accede to the next step which seems to be a steady slide into head-over-heels country. I wasn't really going to see him today, but since these might be our last days, I just wanted to enjoy some time together, and that I certainly did.

The points you make in regards to the importance of being  postop are pretty much what drives my pessimism about the outcome.
I'm quite sure that if I was postop he'd be ok with it as he's pretty open minded and seems to like me a lot, but then again, preop is just not some people's cup of tea sexually, no matter how open minded they are. It's not a situation even *I* want to be in, really.

I hate being preop

Quote from: soldierjane on October 29, 2008, 04:04:20 PM
Thank you for your thoughts, Laura, again I hope John stays with you:)
Today we went out for lunch together (we work in the same area of town) and I think that if I protract this too much I'll go bonkers. I have to either face his rejection or accede to the next step which seems to be a steady slide into head-over-heels country. I wasn't really going to see him today, but since these might be our last days, I just wanted to enjoy some time together, and that I certainly did.

The points you make in regards to the importance of being  postop are pretty much what drives my pessimism about the outcome.
I'm quite sure that if I was postop he'd be ok with it as he's pretty open minded and seems to like me a lot, but then again, preop is just not some people's cup of tea sexually, no matter how open minded they are. It's not a situation even *I* want to be in, really.

I hate being preop

well how long have you known him? if he has fallen for you, maybe he's willing to wait for you until your surgery.

Quote from: soldierjane on October 29, 2008, 04:04:20 PM
Thank you for your thoughts, Laura, again I hope John stays with you:)
Today we went out for lunch together (we work in the same area of town) and I think that if I protract this too much I'll go bonkers. I have to either face his rejection or accede to the next step which seems to be a steady slide into head-over-heels country. I wasn't really going to see him today, but since these might be our last days, I just wanted to enjoy some time together, and that I certainly did.

The points you make in regards to the importance of being  postop are pretty much what drives my pessimism about the outcome.
I'm quite sure that if I was postop he'd be ok with it as he's pretty open minded and seems to like me a lot, but then again, preop is just not some people's cup of tea sexually, no matter how open minded they are. It's not a situation even *I* want to be in, really.

I hate being preop

One thing that's also true is people often won't even entirely accurately predict their own responses to such situations.

My BF is Californian. He's a liberal democrat and very open-minded. He's also very much straight, but would've never pegged himself for having a problem with dating a transwoman, especially not due to any homophobic reasons. Even though he was intellectually okay with my being a transwoman, it took him a while to really come to grips with my physical status, which was rather shocking to him.

On the other hand, he has since become so comfortable with it, that he was able to even make me feel comfortable enough with my current physical status to get intimate with him, something I didn't think I'd ever be willing to do until after surgery.

It's been almost two years since I came out to Nic, though, and I wasn't even on HRT back then.

I hope things go even better for you and your guy, soldierjane, than they have with me and Nic. ^^

And I agree, being pre-op sucks.

Well, well... it happened. While snuggled up in the couch at 3AM and after all his friends had left for the night, I told him. I am glad we got to know each other before the revelation happened, this is how I was able to gauge whether he was worth telling and he whether I was worth staying with.

I said I had to tell him something and broke into tears. I said "I wasn't born female". (Now, I do think that I was born female in my brain but such distinction would have been purely academic at the moment)

He was hugging me really close and he did not let go but went silent, almost too silent. He gives me little kisses every so often but he completely stopped. Obviously it was unexpected so he thought about it for a little while. There was a moment when I almost heard him in my mind saying that he would explain how he liked me but that unfortunately it would not work. He asked me if I had been afraid of telling him, and I responded that yes, I was pretty sure I was going to lose him. So he said "Well, I still want to date you", which floored me, but also did confirm a lot of good things I had thought about him. We eventually snuggled up together for the night.

Being preop is still a major downer personally, but having an accepting boyfriend really does take some of the pressure out of it. I'm in the clouds right now

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!

~Simone.

That really is uplifting news. I'm so happy for you, honey, for both of you. *big hug*

I wish you much love and happiness in the future.

Quote from: soldierjane on November 03, 2008, 10:03:29 AM
Well, well... it happened. While snuggled up in the couch at 3AM and after all his friends had left for the night, I told him. I am glad we got to know each other before the revelation happened, this is how I was able to gauge whether he was worth telling and he whether I was worth staying with.

I said I had to tell him something and broke into tears. I said "I wasn't born female". (Now, I do think that I was born female in my brain but such distinction would have been purely academic at the moment)

He was hugging me really close and he did not let go but went silent, almost too silent. He gives me little kisses every so often but he completely stopped. Obviously it was unexpected so he thought about it for a little while. There was a moment when I almost heard him in my mind saying that he would explain how he liked me but that unfortunately it would not work. He asked me if I had been afraid of telling him, and I responded that yes, I was pretty sure I was going to lose him. So he said "Well, I still want to date you", which floored me, but also did confirm a lot of good things I had thought about him. We eventually snuggled up together for the night.

Being preop is still a major downer personally, but having an accepting boyfriend really does take some of the pressure out of it. I'm in the clouds right now

Awesome, soldierjane! It's so wonderful having an accepting boyfriend, isn't it? I hope things continue to go good for you. 

I really love hearing nice love stories, especially coming from transwoman!
Good luck with your abviously great boyfriend Soldierjane! 

Quote from: soldierjane on November 03, 2008, 10:03:29 AMBeing preop is still a major downer personally, but having an accepting boyfriend really does take some of the pressure out of it. I'm in the clouds right now

Heh, I told ya.

Quote from: Melissa on October 23, 2008, 11:14:23 AMI think when you do feel comfortable about who you're with and how they see you, it takes A LOT of stress and discomfort out of the relationship because you know they love you for who you are rather than what you are.

Im comfortable with how my boyfriend sees me... but it will NEVER stop me feeling awkward about the fact im preop.... i hate it on its own, with my boyfriend its a constant reminder that im not right... that i wont be for a while... if you can totally forget about it, thats good for you...

I am also pre-op.....well, rather "non-op", and I find that there are many, many guys attracted to bodies like mine.   Many of these guys consider themselves straight, even though they are attracted to a feminine body with a penis.  And that's OK with me, I feel that people have a right to self-identify as they wish.
That being said, I would always tell the guy very soon into our relationship.  If it is a deal breaker I would rather know sooner rather than later.
Also, there are also many women attracted to "->-bleeped-<-" bodies.  We are actually quite unique, and unicorns are very desired by magical people.

ok... we differ there... i Would NEVER date a man who liked my body BECAUSE it had a penis.... I'm not unique... im just a girl. While i can apreciate that my body is rather attractive, and the presence of a penis and the combination of the two would make me prime meat to that sort of man, they claim to be straight, but if they want penis they are gay.




I have no interest in a man who wants me for man parts.

Quote from: Starbuck on November 07, 2008, 12:19:28 PMok... we differ there... i Would NEVER date a man who liked my body BECAUSE it had a penis.... I'm not unique... im just a girl. While i can apreciate that my body is rather attractive, and the presence of a penis and the combination of the two would make me prime meat to that sort of man, they claim to be straight, but if they want penis they are gay.

I have no interest in a man who wants me for man parts.

Strongly agreed.  That's always been my biggest hang-up with dating guys.  That's why discussing why he wants to be with me was so important.