So once a month I make the trip through to my laser clinic, and for about three or four days before, my self-esteem takes a plummet. You see, they require that I grow out the fine little hairs, (all the better to see them with, my dear) something I'm sure you'll understand I'm not fond of.

As it happens, I also had to go take ID photos today to reapply for my driver's license, so in that rarest of occurrences, I put on some concealer and foundation and resignedly, off I went.

Now some of you'll know I'm living with mom and dad at the moment, and mom went along today to get an injection for her back.

Understandably she wants one of the little piccies, since these are my first actual girl pics. But yeah ...

I don't see what she sees. She insists I'm beautiful, that I look totally female, but I don't see that, especially on a day like today. I see all the parts that are still strong, angular and gross. I see the maleness, softened yes, but still there. Don't get me wrong, I love the changes that HRT are bringing, but I've been on them for like 8 months, and things don't happen overnight. People look at me and I think I'm being read, she thinks they think I'm a model or sports-person 'cause of my height and stuff. Frankly I don't know who's right.

So today we had a bit of a scrap about it - I was sore from the laser, my mom was sore from the injection.

I love my mom and I SO appreciate all her help and support and stuff. I just sometimes wish she'd let me have an off day.

Sigh. I overreacted, but I wish I could get my mom to understand. Anyway, just needed to share.

~Simone.

*gives Simone a big hug*

It's been my experience, honey, that the most beautiful people are exactly those who don't see it in themselves.

*BIG HUG*

If it matters I don't see what others see in me either. Someday we will

Amanda

[EDIT] for the record I posted this BEFORE I read Leiandra's response, LOL

Quote from: lady amarant on November 05, 2008, 11:31:45 AM
I don't see what she sees. She insists I'm beautiful, that I look totally female, but I don't see that, especially on a day like today. I see all the parts that are still strong, angular and gross. I see the maleness, softened yes, but still there.

Based on the pictures you posted last spring ('autumn' for you, er, latitudinally challenged ) I'm inclined to side with your mum on this. You were a pretty girl then, it's hard to believe that you'd look anything else than female now that you've had a few more months of HRT.



  Nfr

Thanks Sesh, I really do appreciate that. Maybe you're right, but I can't see it.

~Simone.

Quote from: Always Amanda on November 05, 2008, 11:36:18 AM
If it matters I don't see what others see in me either. Someday we will

Oh I dunno, lol... I still tend to see a feminine guy with long hair in the mirror. Or at least some sorta in-between, faerie-like, androgynous creature.

Funny though, as a good friend of mine and I were just chatting about this today too: the ironic curse that WE rarely get to see the "rewards" of our trials and struggles. I mean hey OK, I'm really really grateful that other people DO see a female. And I know and accept that they do. But it's still hard to shake this "walking on glass" feeling that I'm passing via some sort of magic spell, sorta like when you first learn how to ride a bike... and you're doing it... but you don't know HOW you're doing it, lol. It's just happening, but you fear if you sneeze or slip or hiccup... CRASH.

But yea Simone, lemme just add to the chorus of those saying that you DO look fantastic! I told you that long ago when I saw your pics, and I can only imagine it's even better now. You're not just female, but pretty and cute!

Kate

Quote from: Kate on November 05, 2008, 02:40:05 PM
But it's still hard to shake this "walking on glass" feeling that I'm passing via some sort of magic spell, sorta like when you first learn how to ride a bike... and you're doing it... but you don't know HOW you're doing it, lol. It's just happening, but you fear if you sneeze or slip or hiccup... CRASH.

Like always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

As you say though, we tend not to see ourselves. Recovering bulemics, the lot of us. (And I don't mean that lightly.)

I suppose the closer people are the less we trust them to tell us the truth, because we trust them all the more to spare our feelings, to try and make us happy. Ourselves we can't trust at all, because we just have too much painful sad memories attached to the person we see.

I've tried to explain to my mom why I can't accept her giving me a compliment, but it makes my day if a stranger smiles at me and calls me honey. I hate that I hurt her because of it, but somehow the psychology is just too deep.

~Simone.

Simone,
I remember that picture too and you are very pretty.  And now that you are home with people who love and support you, you must be positively glowing.

Not of us really see the person we have become as others do.  But we can take pleasure in the comments that they make to us.  My customers call me 'Miss' or 'she'.  And some even flirt.

If your Mom says you are beautiful, just remember that she is a mother.  And mothers always tell their daughters that they are beautiful.  Remember that she said it to you as her daughter.  And she loves you.

Take it for what is was a loving observation.

I can relate.

Even though I've been on hormones for a while now, am sporting sideburns and my first official goatee, I still don't think I look much different than I used to.  A trip home after a year was crazy- my friend picking me up from JFK didn't recognize me when I got off my plane.  I still feel like I look exactly like I did before but just a bit hairier.  We look at ourselves in the mirror every day- we don't see the changes.

I think I said it the last time you brought this up.  People don't see us the way we see ourselves.

But, like our own Dennis Evans, I've found that I like my image in the mirror a lot more after transition.  I could look at myself before, but it was in a very utilitarian way -- looking to make sure hair was not in a ridiculous position, or I'd gotten all the dirt off my cheek, or finding the zit for minor surgery.

Now, I check myself in the mirror, and I like what I see.

But sometimes I can see the past, too.  I have to remind myself that others don't see what I see, and to just relax.

You're a girl now.  Relax...

Karen

"You Have to Say I'm Pretty, You're My Mother"

Quote from: Karen on November 06, 2008, 03:34:46 AM
I think I said it the last time you brought this up.  People don't see us the way we see ourselves.

That's very true, but I also think that one person doesn't see us like the next sees us. Reality is very subjective.

Hypatia: Thanks! What a perfect book to give my mom for Christmas! 

~Simone.

Maybe it's due to the gradual nature of the changes. I mean, you might feel differently if you went to sleep one night as who you used to be and then woke up the next morning as who you are now. It'd be like "bloody hell, who's that hot girl!?".

But since the change has been a slow process, it's hard to pick up on.

I know it's not the same, but I used to be really large, and decided to drop a lot of weight. However, all the way through I didn't notice any difference in the way I looked, no matter what the scales said. I would look in a mirror and think "huh? How long is this supposed to take? Shouldn't something be happening by now?"

And even when 50lbs had gone, and everyone said I looked so different, I just couldn't see it. Lol, I still can't... but I do know I feel better, and am pretty sure that if it'd happened in one single step, I'd notice. But since the changes were numerous, gradual and imperceptible... no.

You have to live with yourself 24 hours a day, during all the little unnoticable changes... and self-doubt can cloud your vision even more. Other people see only what they see, without the insecurity and emotional involvement that comes with it. They can be more objective simply by virtue that they have no 'final image' in their minds on how you should look, or want to look... they have no blueprint in their minds by which to compare you, as we all often do with ourselves (particularly with dysphoria, that blueprint can be pretty hardwired).

I hope that soon, you can see how beautiful you are, honey, and embrace it. *hugs* You may not trust your loved ones when they say it, because of wondering if it's genuine, but when someone you've never met says it, someone who has no vested interest, someone who's simply seen your picture and thinks you are really very beautiful... we can't all be wrong.

Hehehe. My brother should be home in less than an hour. That at least should be interesting - I haven't seen him since May, when I'd been on HRT for only about 2 months.

~Simone.