I don't know where to really put this, so, to begin with, I beg your pardon if I've made this thread in the wrong place. I just don't know where else to turn. This seems like the only place for to get help.

I'm confused. So terribly lost and confused. I don't know exactly what I am anymore. I yearn to become a man, to be seen as a man, but I'm so frightened that I can't take a single step in that direction. I find myself buying skirts while my eye's on the men's section across the store. I look in the mirror and loathe an image I once prided myself in. I can't even get dressed in the morning without thinking "this doesn't feel right".

I'm so scared to even say it to myself. I know the kind of guy I want to become but being in a woman's body just feels... safer. I'm terrified of how I'll be looked at and treated. Not only will I be entering life as a man, but a gay man. I'm not sexually attracted to women at all. To tell people I'm a homosexual transsexual will surely give me plenty of looks. I'm also frightened of how people will take to my new appearance. What will they say when I suddenly show up with my long hair cut short and start talking like my voice has dropped an octave?

I just... don't know what to do. I'm shallow and pathetic for being afraid for reasons that I really shouldn't care about, but appearances are everything in our society. Even if I do transition, what am I going to say to my first boyfriend. "Sorry. Can't have sex with you. Don't have the equipment." Transsexuals are treated with prejudice even in gay communities. I feel lost and alone and scared. It's gotten to the point where I can't eat or sleep. I just keep obsessing over it. I try to keep telling myself to just wait until I get to college where I can throw on a wig, put in some colored contacts, wiggle into some boy clothes and hit the town but even then I worry that I'll be found out. I end up thinking, "I can't." and push the feelings aside. Yet, the more and more I push the bigger they swell inside of me. I fear that I'll one day simply burst.

I need help. I feel so pathetic and hopeless. People have no idea how brave transsexuals are. They not only have to come out but have to reshape their bodies. I don't know if I have that kind of courage in me. I want to become a man more than anything else but I don't know if I can. I don't know what to do. Anything, even telling me to suck it up, will be appreciated. I just want to stop feeling this way.

I know it's scary but if you really want it, you need to man up and get your butt on the path to transition. I've found that transition isn't so much a choice, but more a matter of how long you can stand putting it off. You need to get past the fear somehow in order to get the life you want, and we're all here to help you do that. Welcome to Susan's by the way. I'm Asher.

Hullo my penguiny friend.

First off what you're describing isn't pathetic. I think we all go through something like that. No one wants to transition. I think we all go through the phase where we decide we can't for whatever reason and try to live as we are. Then slowly progress to making small steps, maybe getting a more masculine hair cut, cutting down on the girly clothes.

You're not hopeless buddy. You just need to decide on what would make you happy and how important everything else is in context to that.

If you have a counselor or gender therapist in your area you might wanna set up an appointment, it can help to talk these things through. And of course this is a good place to turn to for support and advice.

Oh and I can relate to worrying about how other people see you. Though the worry has dissipated. The need to be myself outweighs those worries.

Hang in there buddy!

Osiris hit it with the therapy bit.  That's really important.

As for your ->-bleeped-<-->-bleeped-<- concerns (homosexual transsexual, in your terms)- fear not!  Gay men seem to be totally into FTMs.  Here in San Francisco, I thought that coming out while at a gay bar with my lady would make them back off but that's hardly the case.  You'll get plenty of dudes.

I second (or third?) the therapist suggestion. Try to find one or two gender therapists/counselors in your area. That alone is a huge step, and if you can get yourself to call one of them that would be great!

Like Osiris said, there is probably no one that _wants_ to be on this road. I myself am still at the point that freespeechz pointed at... trying to see how long I can put it off.
It's tough, and hard, and you'll rant and rave and cry and want to hit things. And all of that is okay. As long as you can find someone to whom you can talk with about this. Hence the therapist suggestion, because those people sometimes even have something intelligent to say. 

I can't really help you with the gay thing, since I am straight. But I reckon that people come in all shapes and sizes, and are attracted to different kind of folks as well. I'm sure there are men out there who will be attracted to you. And not because or despite you are FtM, but because you are you.


Vincent

p.s.: Welcome to the boards! Totally forgot that.

yeah hey welcome to Susans. I'm a ->-bleeped-<-boy too, so don't worry so. We're just guys with a birth defect dood. It'll be ok.

Oh yeah, I'm bi-curious. Wouldn't date a guy but I'd get hot with one. Except the fact that I don't get hot with people unless I'm dating them. Which is kindof a contradiction but it makes sense in my head. Anyways you're not alone with the ->-bleeped-<-boy thing.

Thank you all so much for your advice and reassuring words. It meant so much to me. To be honest, I was afraid my post would be completely ignored; written off as some sort of "newbie freakout" or something. It's so relieving to be greeted with such warmth and kind words.

I'll certainly look into the therapist suggestion. I just hope that I find someone who's willing to actually sit down and hear me out. I've heard terrible stories from people who've encountered rude and uncaring therapists. Either way, it'll have to be done sooner or later if I'm ever going to take my first few steps into becoming what I believe will make me happy. I'll just have to suck it up and take the leap. I'll never know until I try, right?

Everyone has been so wonderful. I'm feeling confident and much braver since my first post. Thank you all again for your words of encouragement. Giving you all the stars in the sky wouldn't be enough to show my gratitude.

-- Jaded

Well, I'm MtF, but I feel the same in many respects.

You will be fine, we'll be there to help.

haaaaaaay!  *flips wrist*  me gay?  nooooo. 

i do like girls too though... but im a bigger fan of teh penz0r.  (even the thumb sized T enhanced ones)

you arent alone.   and if youre scared of ending up with a bad therapist, try contacting a couple of trans people in your area and see who they reccomend.

Welcome to Susan's!

And, unfortunately, welcome to our road fought with peril.

I know how you feel, so lost and confused. I hope things get better for you. I agree with all here, that you should find a therapist, or at least someone to talk to. That will make you feel better.

And don't worry about those strange feelings you're having. I think we all are focusing too much on what our society thinks is right. If it feels right to you, then it is right. Don't let anybody tell you that you're not good enough, or that something is wrong with you. You're who you are, don't let anyone change that. Also remember that being scared doesn't make you pathetic, it just shows that you have sense. If you weren't afraid of this journey at first, then that might be cause for concern. 

But remember, we all walk this path together, even if we can't see each other. We'll always be here to help with whatever we can. 

I am tired so this is a short reply but you sound pretty much exactly like me a couple of years ago. I just wanted to say I understand completely how you feel and it really is a case of not being able to live as you are anymore I think for most of us it comes to that it really isn't a choice.
I think that when you are ready you should start living as a guy maybe not full time at first but I think this will help you decidewhat to do next.  Also it may be a good idea to talk to someone about this a therapist is always a good idea providing you get the right one with a good comprehension of the difficulties and many and varied facets of ->-bleeped-<-.
And if you need someone to talk to in the meantime, I am always a friendly ear.

Best.