it is quite sometime i read the forum here, but today i decided to become an active member. well there is always a start for everything ^_^

maybe there is thousands of articles about coming out, but what do you
do when you know you will be rejected?

do you come out? do you keep hiding? or do you just disappear from
every body life and be your self?

from one side you can not take it any more, from the other side many
people you care about will feel hurt to know you are not the person
they thought you are. i don't care of being rejected or not but i don't also want to hurt some people feeling.

sometime i feel it is easier just to disappear and start a new life somewhere else instead of coming out. i am sure i am not the only one having this feeling but did any one try it here?

I haven't tried it yet, but there is not a day that I don't consider it! Sometimes I think about loading everything up in a moving van and never looking back...

Quote from: yabby on January 04, 2009, 06:49:14 AM
from one side you can not take it any more, from the other side many
people you care about will feel hurt to know you are not the person
they thought you are.

And how hurt will they be when you just disappear?
Now they are angry, worried and wondering about what happened. Which is worse?

There is always the off chance they will accept it. If you have no expectations of them accepting it, what is the worst that can happen. Either way you hurt them some, but at least one way you give them the chance.

I am not saying be stupid about it, maybe have a place to stay planned out ahead of time, make sure it is a safe environment, but you have little to lose from the sound of it and maybe something to be gained. Wounds can heal, a loss can be much worse. Even if they reject you now, maybe later they will come around, if you just leave and never look back, you never gave them the chance.

On one hand I'm going "I shouldn't have read this topic," but on the other, I guess it's something I needed to read.

My current plan is that as soon as I finish college I'll just up and leave, dropping anything anybody could use to contact me. I had myself convinced "It's selfish, but sometimes being completely selfless is idiotic."

I don't know. I feel like that's the best way to do things without causing an uproar I wouldn't be able to deal with, but at the same time I feel like the people who supported me for all these years deserve to know.

Right now I'm in a situation where I'm just keeping to myself for the most part, ignoring any need to socialize. It's not exactly healthy, but not even the one friend who I've explained myself to can refer to me by my preferred gender in private conversation, and constantly uses my birth name that I hate.

Quote from: Pay-Parrot on January 05, 2009, 04:48:03 AMMy current plan is that as soon as I finish college I'll just up and leave, dropping anything anybody could use to contact me. I had myself convinced "It's selfish, but sometimes being completely selfless is idiotic."

I kinda took the middle way on this. I went to the UK for two years, and while I was there I started transitioning, sent a letter/email to everybody back home, and waited for responses. The cool thing was that I was away from any potential sphere of influence, away from nasty confrontations and stuff, and yeah. really cool. The two year break ... going on 5 actually, since I've not seen some of my relatives in a loooooong time, has made recollections of me much more vague, and some have commented that that has made it easier. As to the ones that don't accept it - hmmmf. I've not seen them in so long anyway that it really doesn't matter.

Mina.

Quote from: Leslie Ann on January 04, 2009, 09:50:03 PM

And how hurt will they be when you just disappear?
Now they are angry, worried and wondering about what happened. Which is worse?

my feeling they would prefer that i disappeared to learn i will transition one day, you can always move to the other side of the world and stay in touch only by phone/e-mail.

Quote from: Leslie Ann on January 04, 2009, 09:50:03 PM
There is always the off chance they will accept it.

sometimes you are 100% sure they will never accept.

Quote from: Leslie Ann on January 04, 2009, 09:50:03 PM
if you just leave and never look back, you never gave them the chance.

i must admit that you have a point here.

i wrote letters to my family & was disowned.
if i had just disappeared, maybe it would have been worse, since i wouldn't have known how they felt.
i felt ->-bleeped-<-ed, but at least i knew. their reaction (or lack thereof) was what really jump-started my transition process.

i don't know why, but sometimes one feel it would had been easier been an orphan and not having parents or at all have a family.

just my thoughts many times per day.  maybe the problem is that i am a coward.

Yabby,

I've been full time for long enough that everyone who knows me should know, yet there are still a couple of close friends I haven't yet told.  Part of me says it's easier to disappear.  The other part says I'm not giving them the opportunity to accept me.

I haven't fared well in the realm of family and friends accepting.  And it hurts to be rejected.  But am I giving anyone a fair chance to decide if they want me to stay in their life by vanishing?  I don't think so.

Yes, rejection hurts but for the few who have accepted me it feels good knowing they have and that they support me.  Besides, there's always hope if you leave the doors open than if you close and lock them.  I have two doors left to unlock.  I owe it to them to give them the chance to reply.  If I don't, I'm no better than the people who walked out of my life.

Julie

Perhaps another option is to ignore those people, don't include them in any communications. Don't come out, just transition.

isn't that what we always do though, just live it that it is.. I guess the whole issue is the idea of making progress... when we think too much of it ahead of time and it becomes a huge thing before it even takes place. But I guess if it wasn't for that planning nothing would happen anyway, and the situation would stay the same, we'd stay unhappy. But I think everytime you think about coming out, or do something small like write a letter, its just one more step in the right direction. Its been hard for me to get people to understand who I really am in terms of my perspective on gender, but lately I've been noticing a positive change. It could just be that I've become more comfortable with putting myself out there, no matter what, because for every person you lose, you gain more sincerity to yourself, and for every person who accepts it, you have found a true friend.

Still its hard, to continue doing it, but thinking about it like that makes it better, who wants to be surrounded by friends if you can't be yourself around them? I'd rather have fewer friends of higher quality who I can be honest with

To a large degree I was never "in" and so never "came out" - it was pretty obvious to everyone through my childhood and teens that I was "different".

I didn't make the choice to walk out - my mother didn't leave me that choice - like christov, I was disowned. I left my parents home at 24 and started a whole new life with one suitcase (and a bank draft for SRS).

That was a LONG time ago (1974) and I have only reconnected with a few childhood friends. Mostly, my life is of my own building and I am happy with it - it is a better life than I would have had without stealth. But it is hard to start over, even at age 24, with no safety net, no support structure, and nobody to rely on - all those things have to be built again.

I know some people were hurt by my disappearance but more so by my mother's lies - that I did not want any contact. If I were doing it all over again, I would let my friends know that I cared for them, where I was going, and what I was doing and give THEM the choice.

When I came out I told everybody fairly quickly.  My mom, brothers, my sister friends everybody.  I don't hear from them so it is like disappearing.  I have made new friends and they tell me to just give my family time.  What people don't understand is I needed them now, not years from now.  Not when it is ok for them because by then I don't think I will care anymore. 

I already live in a large metro area but I save what I can so by mid-year I can move again.  They (family) wont care if they did they would not be so skittish and avoid me now. 

So I totally understand the desire to leave.  Sometimes it is the best choice available. 

Hi Yabby,  I tend to agree with some of the previous comments.  It may not be a bad idea to come out, when you are ready, to your family.  Perhaps give them an opportunity to express their feelings.  My family surprised me by being very supportive.  I know that doesn't always happen.  You might even tell your very close friends.  Assuming your parents love you, just vanishing could likely cause them to worry about you, and hurt them even more.  Many of us have hurt someone in our decision, it couldn't be avoided.  Just vanishing will hurt someone.  In the end you will of course do whatever you think is best.  Whatever you decide, I wish you luck.

I've disappeared from a few places and started over a few times for various reasons. Now I miss allot of the people and places I left behind. I re-connected with most of my family. Although I haven't fully come out to them, they seem to already know. Last Christmas I was given allot of rather fem. looking clothes. Somethings even said Woman's or Ladies on the labels. They seem to want me to come out to them. I am thinking about moving again. But this time I'm not running away from anything. This time I'm making forward progress toward something and I'll stay in contact with everyone.

Hi Virginia, sounds like your family may be ready for you to come out to them.  I'm already out to my mother and sisters, and I'm sure my aunts already know.  If I weren't and they bought me female clothing, I believe I'd have that talk with them.  Just my thoughts.  For me, it was a big relief to tell my mother, who took it quite well.  My sister tells me my mother cried when we got off the phone, but she was very supportive afterwords and said she really wasn't very surprised.

Quote from: Katherine on January 21, 2009, 04:07:48 AM
  Perhaps give them an opportunity to express their feelings. 

i remember when a family friend asked my parents what they would do if i was gay?  the answer was: we will kill him!!

this rather make you want to disappear than come out.

Quote from: yabby on January 21, 2009, 03:14:42 PM

Quote from: Katherine on January 21, 2009, 04:07:48 AM
  Perhaps give them an opportunity to express their feelings. 

i remember when a family friend asked my parents what they would do if i was gay?  the answer was: we will kill him!!

this rather make you want to disappear than come out.

Kill is a strong word to use. Maybe letting them express themselves is not such a good idea at this time
I've never done well with threats. But, I tend to repel attackers rather than run. It depends on the situation

Quote from: Katherine on January 21, 2009, 06:27:04 AM
Hi Virginia, sounds like your family may be ready for you to come out to them.  I'm already out to my mother and sisters, and I'm sure my aunts already know.  If I weren't and they bought me female clothing, I believe I'd have that talk with them.  Just my thoughts.  For me, it was a big relief to tell my mother, who took it quite well.  My sister tells me my mother cried when we got off the phone, but she was very supportive afterwords and said she really wasn't very surprised.

Hi, yabby.  The quoted remark here is very wise, indeed.  I've done this same thing and have deliberately drifted away from my friends and family JUST ASSUMING that they would not be supportive.  In fact, some of them WOULD HAVE BEEN ... had I given them the chance to be.

Give them a chance, Hun.  Let them decide.  You may be surprised.  Some will reject you, but some may accept you.  Those are the ones worth associating with anyway.  When you get older like me, you'll wish you HAD given them a chance ... if you just walk away.

Just my opinion.  It's YOUR life, Babe.  The decision is yours.  Hope it works out well.

Hugs!

Quote from: LaceyLynne on February 15, 2009, 03:22:11 PM
Hi, yabby.  The quoted remark here is very wise, indeed.  I've done this same thing and have deliberately drifted away from my friends and family JUST ASSUMING that they would not be supportive.  In fact, some of them WOULD HAVE BEEN ... had I given them the chance to be.

Give them a chance, Hun.  Let them decide.  You may be surprised.  Some will reject you, but some may accept you.  Those are the ones worth associating with anyway.  When you get older like me, you'll wish you HAD given them a chance ... if you just walk away.

Just my opinion.  It's YOUR life, Babe.  The decision is yours.  Hope it works out well.

Hugs!

for the moment i am just sooo confused, my family is extremely homophobic and transphobic that it makes me sick many times.

i very simply hate my life, the moment where i feel alive and free is when i am away from my family. being with them is equal to being in prison.