Yep I said it. I was thinking of it since I can`t afford to transition and I miss the old life I had. So it is quite possible I may detransition. What is wrong with me??? I can`t beleve i would consider it, but I am. After a top surgery ( how ever much that costs???) I could go back to Hawaii and surf & boat with my friends and live the Island life I love so much. I would get to live with my children for sure and stay married to my wife. There are some good things to come out of detransition but I would have to live forever knowing I gave up on being me. ( I`m not entirly sure I would ever be passable anyway) Going either way is very hard for me to do so I just might do it.   Ever been there? I know for sure i don`t want to be known as trans the rest of my life. I also don`t want to be a man. So I just think life might be easier for me if I just go back to the way things where. A hiddin Island girl in a mans body.
Thanks, Angie

I'm so sorry for you, Angie. Well, maybe that's gonna sound wrong. I don't think I could have done that, but I respect the decision and many things you're considering in making it.

For a lot of TSes it does seem to be "transition or die" due to the internal pressures that come with our lives as we start out, especially when we're young. Thos of us who wait till we're older may have the same drives, but time, although it doesn't ever seem to erase GID does seem to show us ways we can live with it for at least a while.

I really wish you all the best and resepct how difficult this must be for you in everso many ways. Please do stay with us and keep us posted on how you are. Besides, if you change your mind at some point ... then you'll have the support you may require here.

Nichole   

I don't believe in cookie-cutter, Angie.  I support you in whatever you feel is correct for you.

Remember Mark Penner, the LA Times portswriter?  He became Christine Daniels.  Later she went back to being Mark Penner.  I think he showed a LOT more courage, detransitioning from such a public place.

You do what's best for you.  And you're always welcome at Susans!

Karen

Wow Angie. Hugses.

I wrote this in response to yet another ->-bleeped-<-r-than-thou thread on a different forum just a while ago, and while it is perhaps stating the obvious, hopefully it will help you feel a bit less alone.

QuoteI've been FT about 6 months now, and I'm about a year into transition, so that probably has a lot to do with why I'm still digesting alot of things. The specific issues I'm dealing with are exactly the ones where you do have to come out of stealth, if such is your desire - to a partner for example, and the fear that people in stealth have to live with of being exposed. Leaving everybody and everything behind also seems a heavy price to pay. The alternative of course is to be known, which I don't think anybody will argue is gonna be easy. So my observation was just that, as much more at peace as we find ourselves post transition, we pay a heavy price no matter what we do, and that transition, while solving our greatest problem perhaps, saddles us with a host of crappy new ones. The best thing we can do is to stop blaming one another for our circumstances and do what we can to change things, be it from a position of stealth or out in public. Society is what it is, and most of the blame lies there.

Whatever you decide to do Angie, may you find peace.

Mina.

You have my respect Angie..

I'm going through a similar set of questions with my therapist.

The question I am trying to resolve; is if I can control my desire to start formal transition now, am I making a life decision or just delaying the inevitable. A realistic asssessment of the quality of life we can reasonably hope to achive, plays a part in these decisions.

I really hope it works out for you, whatever you finally decide   



Chrissty

Hi Angie
I hope you can find peace and clarity to ultimately make whatever decision is right for YOU NOW.
Anyway life is always full of surprises and opportunities.
Go n-éirí do bhótar leat.
May you find your right path to happiness.
Hope, Light, Love & Respect
Maebh

PS And remember: "It is a woman prerogative to change her mind!"

I'm also sorry to hear this Angie dear.

I guess its stating the obvious that its a hard lonley road with no obvious happy ending. I can understand your desire to return to happier safer times.

Just look after yourself if you do, its so much harder for married TS's i can only admire the strength that needs to survive.

I hope you find your happiness whatever you decide.

Quote from: almost,angie on January 17, 2009, 12:26:32 PM
I could go back to Hawaii and surf & boat with my friends and live the Island life I love so much. I would get to live with my children for sure and stay married to my wife.
Thanks, Angie

Angie, your children are always a worthy consideration. you may feel, later on, after they have grown, that you are more free to examine these issues further.

i also have felt many times that i will never really pass, and, you know, end up walking around looking like a ->-bleeped-<-. (Eeeek!)

and it is hard when you find that the maturity that comes with transitioning is yet difficult to embrace; one still has to work at it constantly. uh, at least i do.

and is it all worth it? food and rent, not to mention family healthcare expenses trump HRT expenses. though, if you just cannot go on any other way, then yes, HRT  *is*  worth it.

*my opinions only. please do not take this advice in lieu of professional counseling.

-ell

Angie,

Quote from: almost,angie on January 17, 2009, 12:26:32 PM
Yep I said it. I was thinking of it since I can`t afford to transition and I miss the old life I had. So it is quite possible I may detransition. What is wrong with me??? I can`t beleve i would consider it, but I am. After a top surgery ( how ever much that costs???) I could go back to Hawaii and surf & boat with my friends and live the Island life I love so much. I would get to live with my children for sure and stay married to my wife. There are some good things to come out of detransition but I would have to live forever knowing I gave up on being me. ( I`m not entirly sure I would ever be passable anyway) Going either way is very hard for me to do so I just might do it.   Ever been there? I know for sure i don`t want to be known as trans the rest of my life. I also don`t want to be a man. So I just think life might be easier for me if I just go back to the way things where. A hiddin Island girl in a mans body.
Thanks, Angie

Do you really wish to incur that expense?  And if you decide to transition later, what will that do if you go back to HRT?  Honey, find a therapist and talk this over with them.

I have often thought if I didn't pass, would I transition.  For me, at this point in MY life, I have to.  I don't have family to worry about.  My kids are all grown.  And I am unofficially divorced.  So my choice is easy.  If I look like a "->-bleeped-<-", then so be it.

I wish the best for you no matter what you decide to do.  You are in a tough place to be. 

Janet

 Thanks girls! I am only thinking of this as a path at the moment. I refilled all my perscriptions yesterday so i haven`t stopped yet. My therapist is not for it . She only thinks i will hold out for a couple years then I`ll be back. My wife just wants me to be happy along with my mother in law ( who we live with now). When i started transition it was because i wanted to die. I felt so alone inside. That is something to remember.
   I have about 2 years before i can move back to Hawaii so i will take that time to test the waters and see if I can hold out on all that "T" If not screw it then I will have no choice but to say I`m full of it. LOL!
  It is not and easy choice for me but I just might do it. Thanks for the support and I will not leave susans no matter what I choose.
Angie,

Angie, I know all too well your dilemma, having transitioned and re-transitioned. It's a difficult choice either way you go, you have my support!

Z

Angie,

I am living my dreams everyday and know how you feel. You see I have BA but can still pass as male or female and most of the time just enjoy being me!  I think eventually I will be full time but for now I just love getting up in the morning and being myself. I think that it is possible to go from androgenous to female without making a big deal out of it.

Good luck,
Renee

I've often thought about if I should go back. Sometimes I was dead convinced it was the right thing to do and the only thing holding me back was the surgery that had to be undone.

It wasn't until I realized the only reason I wanted to de-transition was because of the pressure to do so, prejudice, discrimination, family abandonment, job loss, etc. But I never wanted to go back because of how I felt inside.  All the pressure was coming from a prejudiced and uneducated society. Take all that away and I've never been happier in my life.

Quote from: almost,angie on January 17, 2009, 12:26:32 PM
After a top surgery ( how ever much that costs???) I could go back to Hawaii and surf & boat with my friends and live the Island life I love so much. I would get to live with my children for sure and stay married to my wife. There are some good things to come out of detransition but I would have to live forever knowing I gave up on being me. ( I`m not entirly sure I would ever be passable anyway)

Angie, I do have to say a few things. One is, that I've know a few people who have detransitioned, and in every case they deeply regretted it and later retransitioned. Another is that be aware that having top surgery would destroy your breasts and make it impossible to regrow them. You would have no other option then but augmentation. If the decision to transition is hard, detransitioning is harder. And remember that you can't go back to how things were. Everyone will remember what you did the first time around and won't look at you the same way ever again.

As for whether you can ever pass, I transitioned assuming I never would. Passing is not as important to me as being who I am. My partner is at the stage of feeling she will never pass and that being seen with me causes me to not pass either. I do not care if I don't pass when I'm with her. My life isn't about passing. It's about being me and being with the woman I love. Besides that, she's beautiful just the way she is now.

wow, maybe its in the air lately....Ive been thinking of quitting the whole thing myself...

I didnt think I would question it at all this time around...

Im actually considering doing this:

Wear my girl clothes, dont mess with any dehairing...have stubble if I want to be lazy and wear some eyeliner...not even try to do any passing...just screw it and be comfortable.

Most people would be like....that dudes crazzzy

Quote from: Rita Irene on January 18, 2009, 05:43:33 PM
wow, maybe its in the air lately....Ive been thinking of quitting the whole thing myself...

I didnt think I would question it at all this time around...

Im actually considering doing this:

Wear my girl clothes, dont mess with any dehairing...have stubble if I want to be lazy and wear some eyeliner...not even try to do any passing...just screw it and be comfortable.

Most people would be like....that dudes crazzzy

Except you don't look at all like a dude 

Z

Quote from: Zythyra on January 18, 2009, 05:48:02 PM

Quote from: Rita Irene on January 18, 2009, 05:43:33 PM
wow, maybe its in the air lately....Ive been thinking of quitting the whole thing myself...

I didnt think I would question it at all this time around...

Im actually considering doing this:

Wear my girl clothes, dont mess with any dehairing...have stubble if I want to be lazy and wear some eyeliner...not even try to do any passing...just screw it and be comfortable.

Most people would be like....that dudes crazzzy

Except you don't look at all like a dude 

Z

Thats nice of you to say...I guess when I go a couple days without shaving anything and zero makeup...all I see is MAN...

Thanks for the kind words, perhaps it will inspire me...

Quote from: Rita Irene on January 18, 2009, 08:42:37 PM

Thats nice of you to say...I guess when I go a couple days without shaving anything and zero makeup...all I see is MAN...

It's hard for us to look in the mirror and see who we really are, vs who we were supposed to be for others.

Z

Angie,

There must be something in the water because I am thinking the same. Having left wife and family to transition. The pull to be with them is great and I miss them O so much. Would things be the same? I don't think so but just to be with them again.

I have had no probs passing and I have a full time job. I am stealth and no one knows. I have an active life too with various groups outside of work and yet with all that I do think seriously about detransition.

Like some have said, how long would that last? would I feel the desire again even if I tried to suppress it as I had before for so long? I know someone else who did detransition only to transition again four years later.

Hears my thought. The pain of transition causes us to look back through rose coloured glasses to our past, forgetting the pain in the past that caused us to transition in the first place. I hope I'm making sense here.

Hugs

Stardust

Angie:

Read Second Serve: The Renée Richards Story

For me, the story of her doubts and having a mastectomy before finally transitioning gives me the creeps.