Just when I'm starting to transition (at least with binding, etc), turns out that before moving to my new apartment, I have to spend a month or two with my folks at their house, making money. I have as yet been unable to find a job where I am living now, and my lease is up on July 31st, so I won't even have the money to move to AZ.

Going back to my folks means shaving, no binding, no more boxer briefs, and trying to act more feminine (plus no strip clubs, Nero! ). I can't imagine how difficult it will be... not only will I be hiding my identity, I will have to live with my parents and younger brother, which will be near impossible after having my own apartment for the past 2 years. I feel like I'm way too old to live with my parents (will be 24 on Thursday), but there just doesn't seem to be any other solution. Ugh. Happy birthday to me.

Rafe

Quote from: Rafe on July 11, 2006, 09:14:44 PM
Just when I'm starting to transition (at least with binding, etc), turns out that before moving to my new apartment, I have to spend a month or two with my folks at their house, making money. I have as yet been unable to find a job where I am living now, and my lease is up on July 31st, so I won't even have the money to move to AZ.

Going back to my folks means shaving, no binding, no more boxer briefs, and trying to act more feminine (plus no strip clubs, Nero! ). I can't imagine how difficult it will be... not only will I be hiding my identity, I will have to live with my parents and younger brother, which will be near impossible after having my own apartment for the past 2 years. I feel like I'm way too old to live with my parents (will be 24 on Thursday), but there just doesn't seem to be any other solution. Ugh. Happy birthday to me.

Rafe

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh Rafe but there are still things that you can do to achieve results that won't arouse too much suspicion from your parents.  As far as binding goes, there are spandex athletic shirts/tanks out there that could hide quite a bit if you bought one that was a little small/tight for you.  And as far as the boxers go, while they are not guys underwear you might try buying those "boy shorts" that are popular these days, some really look like boys boxers.  Remember it's only for a month or so.  And it's really great incentive to get out and look for that job

Steph

Sorry to hear that, Rafe. Will you still come around here, or do they monitor your online activities?

Quote...trying to act more feminine.

Do your parents push you into acting feminine?  I used to subconciously adopt a ridiculously high voice whenever my father came around. Everyone found it so funny because my voice is already soft and didn't require any modification. It sounded like I was mimicking Marilyn Monroe. I never realized I was doing that until someone pointed it out. "Are you aware that you act like a clown in front of your dad?" My father and I have been estranged for years. Hmmm...wonder why?

I realize you may have to relinquish the binders and boxers for now, but see to it that you play no part other than your own. I can only believe it damaging to the soul to be cast as Judy when you are so Jim Stark. On this stage you play only Rafe regardless of the costume he wears.
Hang in there, buddy.

Nero

I have to agree with Nero there.  I assume you will eventually come out to them.  Why not make it easier and more obvious about who you really are?

Melissa

To assume I'd come out to them would be to assume my folks are reasonable people, which unfortunately, they are not. They're highly conservative Christians, and refuse to accept anything that deviates from their perfect picture of reality. If I told them, they'd disown me. And I'm just not stable enough to deal with that.

To answer your question, Nero, yeah, I should be able to get online still, but my computer crashed today because of a virus and apparently killed all my files, so I don't know exactly how easy it'll be. I was amazed I could actually get online still. Good birthday present....

My folks do push me into acting feminine, at least in certain situations, and even worse still, they push me into acting submissive. My brother is 16, and he, by their rules, is the master of the television and any other space that might be occupied within the house (with the exception of my parents' bedroom, of course). I can't count how many times I had to watch Conan O'Brien when I was last home for a couple weeks. Don't get me wrong, I like Conan, but this was also when my brother was keeping me from my crime shows with his X-Box (I'm not into video games). My mother, especially, pushes me into gender norms... she says that men are more important than women, and thus women should obey men (and I guess then it would make sense for me to tell her I'm TS so I get the power... no...). It's ridiculous. The worst thing, though, is shopping. I start going anywhere near the men's clothing, and she protests; I won't even look at magazines or movies anymore when shopping with my mom for fear she might catch me looking too long at a pic of some hot chick. It's just a lot of conforming.

But yeah, Nero, I'm still me, I'm still Rafe. I'm just Rafe repressed.

Rafe,
   I tried to tell my parents when I was 17. That was 1982. I left home to live as a man here in California, which has been my home now for many years. My mom hated that I was a tomboy, and it broke her heart when she found out through a friend I had changed my name back then. Anyway, I ended up going back and livinfg as a woman to make her happy. That lasted 16 years. Now she has been dead the last 3.5 years, I have come to the realization that I have to be Marco no matter what. So I left the "woman" and wife and mom life and her I am full circle to go through with it all this time. I love my kids, but they will adjust. They are even now. My point is don't waste time. I wasted too much time, trying to keep others happy. You are who you are. Your mom will love you no matter what. She will be disturbed for years over it, but she will love you. By the way, happy birthday.

                                           Marco

Thanks. I figure that instead of just coming out and telling my mom (and dad and brother) that I'm trans, I'd rather just continue to act like myself, and maybe they'll just figure it out. Or they won't. In any case, I'm not going to try my best to appease my folks; I just want to make sure there aren't any major confrontations. The fact that my mom would be "disturbed" for awhile is far more relevant than you might think... until I have my own place, a steady job (and income), and a larger support group around me. Right now, she's my main source of income, and if I lose that, not only do I end up possibly living on the streets (which I've done before), but I'd also have to go off my medication (I have clinical depression and OCD), and I don't want to know what that feels like.

I refuse to conform to my parents' gender norms, but I have to put up with them... that's the crappy thing. And I wouldn't do anything drastic like start living as a "traditional" woman and getting married to a man... ugh. (No offense, Marco... everyone has his own situation, and I greatly appreciate your sharing yours with me.) I can't waste any time, I know. I wasted enough dealing with my depression. I'll just have to grin and bear it with my folks... I'm just so glad to have all you guys as support. Thank you.

Oh, and thanks for the birthday wishes. Despite the computer, I will try to make the best of my 24th.

Rafe

QuoteMy folks do push me into acting feminine, at least in certain situations, and even worse still, they push me into acting submissive. My brother is 16, and he, by their rules, is the master of the television and any other space that might be occupied within the house...

My mother was pregnant when I was 2 and three-quarters years old. I thought I was a boy and I begged God for a little brother to play with. Fortunately in my case, God had the foresight not to grant my request. As my father would have favored him, and I, who saw myself as the "firstborn son" with all the rights and privileges accorded, would have been so filled with rage that my sibling got to be a boy and I did not, that the poor soul probably wouldn't have survived his toddler years.
I cannot imagine having to deal with this "gender dysphoric" condition whilst dealing with a male sibling. You have my deepest sympathy.
Fortunately for me (and everyone else), there were no biological males born to my parents, if godforbid there had been, I might be sitting in an insane asylum like Michael Myers.

I grew up in a Christian home as well, so I feel for you there. The situation at your parents' place sounds downright excruciating.

QuoteMy mother, especially, pushes me into gender norms...she says that men are more important than women, and thus women should obey men...

I take it she's not a liberated woman? Seriously, sounds as if she's aware we're in the millenium, she's just confused as to which millenium.
Now that I know your situation, I understand what you mean by "back into hiding".
This situation is far from ideal, but a man must do what he must in order to survive.
And it sounds as if this is exactly what you're doing.  You must survive with your identity intact.
I'm here for you if you need support or just to vent your frustrations (and it sounds as if there'll be many), PM me.
Don't lose heart, Rafe, this too shall pass.

Nero

Yeah, Nero, I was seven when my mom became pregnant with my brother, and all I wanted was a sister. I hoped that if my mom had another girl, then she'd be okay with the fact that I wasn't the daughter she'd always wanted, and she could instead enforce her gender norms on my sister... but that didn't happen. Instead I got my brother, Nic, who I tortured as if we were brothers in his childhood, and now I just envy... he's 6'4" while I'm 5'6", and I swear he got all the looks in the family, though I have friends who disagree with that. I also have 2 older half brothers, from my dad's first marriage... it just really gets to me that my dad has three sons, and yet I'm not one of them (at least not genetically).

One good thing about Nic, though, is that he's great to hang out with now that he's older, and I've found that we have the same tastes in a lot of things, even chicks! And it's funny... we were at that mass conglomerate superstore nobody seems able to name, though it starts with a wal and ends with a mart, and I got carded for a rated-R movie, and while I was griping about it later, wondering how anyone could mistake a 23-year-old for being under 17, Nic said that while for a chick I looked 23, I also resembled a 16- or 17-year-old guy. He didn't say it with disdain... in fact, I think he might be the only one in my family who might actually accept my being TS. He will be my saving grace, I think, while I'm back home. Him, and all you guys and your support. It is much appreciated.

Well, I think I have to go celebrate... what would I be if I didn't celebrate my own birthday? Later.

Rafe

Hugs Rafe, I know how hard that can be as I have had to switch back and forth from time to time.  Blah.

Also sorry to hear that your mom is not in the current century.

Rafe,

Same deal with my parents, but the best advice that I can give you is to make sure that you're not doing this for them (i'm saying this from my personal experience). Don't compromise who you are to please them, you'll feel empty and very confused afterwards (and during). You don't have to shave (just say you've become a hippie!) or stop wearing mens clothing, but I also don't suggest just throwing it in their face that you dress male all the time and don't care what they think... you have to play it smart with parents like that. I didn't and it's really cost me for the past 5 years. And Steph made some great suggestions regarding your clothing alternatives.

I have no doubt in my mind you can get through this time without giving up who you are. We're all backing you 100% and hope that you keep us posted.

HAVE A GREAT BIRTHDAY BUDDY!

    Tino

Rafe:
I am Wolfie/Tino's SO.
It sounds incredibly painful to have to give up who u are to get their love, support & acceptance. Actually it was his parent's rejection & cruelty that prompted me to find this site. I felt so angry & helpless that they would not see him for who he is today. If that wasnt bad enough they ridiculed him. (I am glad I about finding this site).
Are your parents also against medication? (re depression & OCD). Or are they like my mom who is quite convinced I dont require medication b/c I couldn't possibly have depression? ( FYI my dad committed suicide, parents can be in such denial ). 
Keep in touch so u dont feel too lost. You'll have your life back again.
~Spike/Amy

No, my folks aren't against medication... although my mom is the reason I didn't get help until I did. I suffered through my problems from age 14 on... deaths of numerous kids from my high school precipitated my problems, and I can remember begging my parents to take me to a therapist, but they didn't believe in psychology. It took a major nervous breakdown 6 months ago for my mom to realize I really needed help, but now she thinks the drugs are all I need (though my therapist terminated therapy because he said I no longer needed it). My mom, however, would deny me money for my treatment if she thought she could use it as leverage against me, and she knows that my worst fear is to have to be depressed again.

Oh, and Tino, I meant I'll have to shave my face. That ticks me off. I already told my mom I'm not shaving my legs anymore because of razor burn. It worked well enough as an excuse, but she still doesn't like it.

Rafe


Posted at: July 14, 2006, 11:44:15 AM

---

Well, I talked to my mom today, because I'm broke and just about out of food, and she's decided I should come home even sooner... she says get everything packed this week and leave next Monday. So much for having a little time to be myself before going back to hell on earth... even though my lease isn't up until August 10th, she wants me out there early. So I told her I'd think about it, then hung up and beat the crap out of my punching bag (stress reliever now that I'm trying to quit smoking). I was already starting to feel depressed again because of having to leave, but now, to hear I might have to go even sooner, it's compounded. All I need is a depressive episode, after almost 6 months without. I'm trying to think of some excuse for why I have to stay here, but ultimately it's her choice... I have been entirely unable to find work, and my mom is my only source of money.

Golly... and I don't even have the money to go to the strip club every night to make myself feel better. That's life, I guess.

Rafe

Hang in there Rafe we all go throught difficault events,

It is hard hidding but in the end everything will work out.

Alice

Ouch dude.... Moving back in with the folks.... out or not its a high stress situation....

Just moved back into my parrents house... what, a week ago, or was it two.  Ive allready come out to them, but am not living full time (yet)  Just started a new job but its going to take a few months to save up enough to get my own place so I can really be me.  I know there not necicarily accepting of me but there tollorant. ThoughI did recieve a polite request to stop wandering around the house in certian pairs of my PJ's LoL.

Anyways, they drive me absolutly nuts... having to live by there rules again after being gone for 2 years round abouts.... and I swear to god my father is the most ANOYING and DEPRESSING creature placed on this earth... <would make Marvin commit suicide to get away.  reffrence 42>

I wish you the best of luck, and I hope you can make it out of there in one piece and with your sanity intact. *hugs*

im late but happy b day
take care
              jaded

Got back to CO last evening, and the first thing my mom said was, "Do you have any hair left?" Since then, it has continued on like that, this morning with her telling me that if I was going to work in her office (because I have to work off debt to my folks) I couldn't slick back my hair. She said she didn't like it slicked back, so I couldn't do it. Then she proceeded to criticize my choice of clothing, and condemn even more of my image I have worked so hard to protect. Wow... feeling emasculated, and even more than that, irate. Why can't parents just be accepting of their children, and happy about their accomplishments?

I just keep telling myself, 2 months, only 2 months, and I'm gone, and I won't have to live here anymore. Only 2 months.

Rafe

Rafe,

   Yes. Parents have a way with making us feel like we need to undo ourselves after we spend so much time on tring to be who it is we are, although they never see it that way. Both my parents are dead. But my birth mother found me 9 years ago, she accepts me the way I am, even to the point of my surgery I am about to have. It is like wow.


                                                Marco

Rafe
The reason I looked for & found Susans is b/c Tinos parents are vry much like your. I just feel so hurt and mythed. I am puzzled and confused, just saddened. Hang in there I am really glad you are going to be at West Fest too.
~Amy

Yeah, as long as I don't go insane first. My mom had a fit in Wal-Mart yesterday, and a second one 5 minutes later in the same place... both involved yelling at me. Even if it's not cracks about my not exactly conforming to the female gender, I still get trouble from my folks. I appreciate everyone being so supportive, though; even my brother has been criticizing me about my appearance lately, and that's not normal for him.

Rafe


Posted at: August 04, 2006, 05:48:27 PM

---

not to mention my macho pig brother just came in and took the desk I was working at. 2 days and already I can't stand it... and this is with still trying to make the best of things.

Rafe repressed