I could go back to being a girl. I could. It wouldn't be too hard. I could send my binders to BBUB, start wearing a bra again, save the boxers for sleeping instead of everyday use. I could stop hunching my shoulders, smile now and then, giggle without feeling freakish, wear makeup and pretty jewelry and skirts and dresses and girl clothes. My moms would heave a huge sigh of relief, my four year old sister would stop being confused about me, I might make more friends and maybe even a boyfriend or girlfriend. I'm not saying I'm a girl, but... it would be so easy, and people would stop worrying about me so much. I don't pass at all in this wretched city (I passed in Nowhere, South Carolina without even binding), and being missed and ma'amed drives me crazy--but would it if I became female again? And could I even force myself to do so? I know my parents will love and accept me no matter what, but they would be quite happy if I was a girl, and I don't know if I can handle this anymore. It's getting to the point where I either have to do something--start a low dose of T at least--or go back to being a girl, or kill myself. I can't continue on like this, an in-between. Androgyny is all well and good, but I'm not an androgyne. I'm torn. Being a girl would be so easy--I wouldn't have to try at all to pass. No weird looks, no confusion, no awkward questions. Freedom--but at the price of my true self? I don't know. I just don't know what to do, but I've got to do something.

Why don't you try to define a space that works for you and ignore all the other people's categories.  Do what feels right for you no matter who's box it fits in.  You don't have to be one or the other, you could be both, neither, or something new.  For sure you live in the world's capitol of weirdness in a lot of ways, and everyday in LA you can see people who are doing just that, and some are very weirdly successful at it.

You know, Yochanan, the test of a transsexual is not whether it would be impossible to live out your life as your natal gender,
but only whether you would be happier living your life in the opposite of your natal gender.

Only you can decide that.

I wouldn't put all too much weight in what your parents think.
As time goes by their influence and participation in your life will decrease.

You only could go to being a girl if you could stand the idea of identifying that way. Sure any of us transguys could pass as a girl, but that doesn't mean we identify that way.

Yochanan,
You could flip the genders and almost exactly describe my experience, though I haven't had the courage to start transitioning as you have. It would sure be EASIER in many ways for me to stay male.. it's the path of least resistance socially, of course. But can I mentally endure years or decades more of denying my feelings that I should have been a girl?

You're not alone..

What are your obstacles for starting T?

You know, dude, obviously it's your choice. I know I thought this way plenty of times... every time things got too hard, or I got ma'am'ed... but in the end, you just have to be yourself, regardless of all else.

One thing I will say, is I seem to recall you live in California. Hope I'm not being too personal there... it's a huge state, so I doubt I'm outing you. I started dressing fully as male in Indiana, where I went to college, and passed 99% of the time. When I moved back to Colorado for a couple months, I passed about 80%. Then, a few months later, I went to California. Drop that number to about 30%... I don't know what it is about that state.

I'm thinking perhaps it's the fact that in California, everyone feels they're so liberal, and they try to stay educated about things like lgbt... either that, or it's that so many lgbt folk gravitate toward Cali, whether it be for the diversity of LA or the acceptance of San Fran. I was drawn in, too. Sadly, though, the diversity and acceptance seem to make Cali WORSE for those of us who don't fit into specific gender stereotypes. People notice us far more. I think in places like Indiana and, like you were saying, South Carolina, people are simply more accustomed to the status quo, and they don't question people who look a tad different.

For me, I went on T. It took about 2 months before I passed COMPLETELY. However, I also decided to leave California... in a year or more, but still. Something about that place, or perhaps the majority of folks who live there, just doesn't sit right with me.

SD

if you really feel that suicide is that much of an option, i think you might want to address that issue first. transitioning *can* bring some clarity to one's mind, though i also did not acknowledge that i needed to address my depression. only at my gender therapist's request, did i go get treatment for depression.

i felt *so* much better, once i got started on the proper meds.

it doesn't mean that i don't have to continue to work on things like, controlling my temper. i do.

transitioning may have saved my life, but it did it in an oblique way. it helped me to get a glimpse through a small window, which was way too cloudy to see through before.

please call a hotline if needed. you are *not* alone.

-ell

I've always had the idea that if I COULD live as a girl I would.  But I can't.  It's just not who I am.

You need to be who you are.  That takes a lot of searching, which you seem to be doing.

If life is getting desperate, no matter what the reason, it's good to find a therapist.  In this case, a gender therapist would probably really be able to help you put some of these thoughts to rest or at least help you ask yourself some good questions.  Plus, that also gets you on the road to T and surgery letters that you'll need eventually.

God, all I think about is transition. All I think about is getting rid of my lumps. I imagine myself right before surgery, how happy and nervous I'd be, with my mothers on either side of me and the rest of my family waiting in the wings. And I imagine how ecstatic I'll be once I vanquish Mr. Monthly with the amazing powers of T... and then I remember that I've got no support on this.

Absolutely no one I've talked to about it--besides my therapist--believes I'm trans. They think I'm trying to be like my mother (and it should be obvious I'm not, as if I wanted to be like her I'd be a girl). My mom blatantly told me the other day, "You're not transgendered, that's bullsh*t." And my other mom (the trans one) told me when I got drunk one day that she had no sense of me on her transdar, that she got no feeling of it from me whatsoever. How can I make so radical a change when I've got no support? And goddamnit, what if they're right? I've been obsessed with things before, and much of the time it turns out I was being stupid and my mother was absolutely right about everything. What if this is just another one of those things? But I can't see it that way--I'm a dude, and I don't think that'll ever change no matter how much jewelry or makeup I wear... but it would make everyone so happy. That's my reason for life, to see my family happy, to make them happy, and it seems that the only thing I ever do is make them all upset and angry and sad. It's in my power to assuage their worries, about me at least.

And even if I don't go back to being that way, I doubt if I'll ever transition. I've got to have some kind of support, and no one is willing to be there for me. I mean jesus, I'm only eighteen going on nineteen. It's not like I'm some independent mofo who can do whatever he wants and start whatever HRT he feels he needs to. My mother freaked out when I went to long beach without telling her--how would she feel if I started T on my own? And that's IF I could afford all the requirements.

I'm beginning to think I need to just forget this all, repress this part of me, and be normal. Not like it would be anything new.

So, if I've got this right, you have two mothers, one who is trans, and both are un-accepting? Damn, that's rough... you'd think having someone so close who has experienced this struggle already would be an asset...

How long has it been since you've come out? Maybe you just need to give it some time. I know that's a really difficult thing to ask, to just wait, but sometimes it's all you can do. In the beginning my parents were the same way. The situation seemed hopeless, I thought I'd be stuck as a girl forever. But, they eventually did come around. Not to acceptance of me as their son (I think that'll still be a while in coming) but acceptance that I am trans whether they like it or not.

I think if it were possible to repress and forget it all, and be "normal" (whatever that is) you wouldn't be struggling with this decision as you are. What really gave me that extra push to come out and start transitioning was thinking about the future. Thinking about how lucky I am to have the resources/technology available to me that I could conceivably transition at my age, and wondering how many more years must be wasted before I can start living. I mean who are you living your life for anyway? You only get one, so you had better make it count.

Hope things turn around for you.

I came out last summer to my transmom and she basically outed me to my other one recently (she told her I was going to my therapist to "get hormones to become a boy"; I told them both that if I was doing that I'd be seing a proper gender therapist. i had to explain what being trans is to the one I see now.).

I'm honestly not sure who I'm living for or why I'm living anymore.

Why not prove both your parents wrong?

Yeah we could all go back to being  our birth sexes. Some of us do. But I couldn't pretend any longer, I wanted to feel free and happy with my life.

Its your journey, your the only one to decided which road your going to take.

Jay

when i was 18, i was pushed out of the nest, and, stand or fall, was basically on my own.

you too, before you know it, will find yourself with greater and greater freedom. you will either be granted your freedom, or you will take it.

check your watch: you are so young! please do not get so stressed by Trans stuff at the moment. there is plenty of time for you to examine the matter carefully, which, anyway, is a very important step.

-ell

Quote from: ell on February 23, 2009, 05:01:24 PM

check your watch: you are so young! please do not get so stressed by Trans stuff at the moment. there is plenty of time for you to examine the matter carefully, which, anyway, is a very important step.

-ell

I think this is my problem. I start thinking about it and worrying about it and wondering if it's going to be like this forever. Thinking about it maximizes the physical discomfort and makes everything worse. I feel like I just need to chill, take a step outside myself and look in. I've never been good at that sort of thing, though.

Another one of my problems is, I think I've got other issues I should deal with first. I'm almost certain I've got either Huntington's disease (hereditary neurological disease, symptoms of which are tremors/shaking, slurring speech, loss of memory and motor control; early in life it is often misdiagnosed as schizophrenia/depression) or some other chemical problem with my brain. Again, my parents are holding me back. I wanted to get tested for H disease, and my parents were ok with it at first but then changed their minds because they think I'll brood over it. Also, they are adamantly against sending me to be evaluated by a psychiatrist. I wonder how I'm supposed to conquer my emotional problems if all they're doing for me is sending me to talk therapy that's basically a venting session? It doesn't make sense.

I'm confused, about everything. I'm very, very confused.

I think that sometimes....  I like some stereotypical girlie stuff, but I am still repulsed by the idea of being viewed as a girl doing those things.  But I have this idea that my parents would be happier if I were a girl, and so I kind of wish I could do it.

I just keep hoping that I will be able to change the parts of my body that I don't like and in the mean time I tell people who refer to me as a girl that they are wrong.

Quote from: Yochanan on February 23, 2009, 08:36:54 AM
God, all I think about is transition. All I think about is getting rid of my lumps. I imagine myself right before surgery, how happy and nervous I'd be, with my mothers on either side of me and the rest of my family waiting in the wings. And I imagine how ecstatic I'll be once I vanquish Mr. Monthly with the amazing powers of T... and then I remember that I've got no support on this.
....
And my other mom (the trans one) told me when I got drunk one day that she had no sense of me on her transdar, that she got no feeling of it from me whatsoever. How can I make so radical a change when I've got no support? ....I'm a dude, and I don't think that'll ever change no matter how much jewelry or makeup I wear... but it would make everyone so happy. That's my reason for life, to see my family happy, to make them happy, and it seems that the only thing I ever do is make them all upset and angry and sad. It's in my power to assuage their worries, about me at least.

... I've got to have some kind of support, and no one is willing to be there for me.

Woah, woah, waoh.  Transdar?  No way am I buying that.  There is no way that she can automatically tell when someone is trans.  That's pretty offensive.  I would not take stock in that if I were you.

Also, I can really relate to the living for your family part.  I agonized about tearing my family apart for awhile before I decided that I have to live for myself.  A lot of us have "queer families" (that's what my friends and I call it, I'm not trying to push a label on anyone).  If you look around and try to get in touch with other people like you, you can find support.  I have a lot of lesbian/gay/bisexual/transgender/genderqueer friends that I rely on for support, even though my family is pretty good.  It's important to have a support network of people outside your family as you get older, especially if you're trans and you don't have the support you need.  Not every LGBTQ person is helpful, and also be on the look out for helpful heterosexual, cisgender allies.  They're great "family" members too.

I'm sure there are some people you can find online that are not terribly far from your area.  Do you have any LGBT groups in your area or a university with a LGBTQA center or something where you could get in touch with resources?

Why do you think you have Huntington's? Is there a family history? If not, it's pretty doubtful you have it. However, if there's any doubt in your mind, and it's really bothering you, see if your college (I thought I remembered you were in school) has a medical center where they could do the testing for you inexpensively. It's not good to worry about things, especially unnecessarily; it can really eat away at you.

SD

Quote from: Yochanan on February 20, 2009, 10:15:06 AM
I could go back to being a girl. I could. It wouldn't be too hard.

Not hard as in just doing it.... or not hard mentally?  Yup, I read exactly what you meant between the lines.  It's a nice piece of writing kiddo.  Print it out and save it.  You'll want to read it again someday.

Cindi