When I was growing up, my mother would never let me leave the house unless I was smiling. In later years, I have heard that behavior as characteristic of the way girls are raised. In talking the weekend, my wife says she was not raised that way.

I am curious how you were raised.

S

My parents never said anything about smiling, but it is true most adults will tell a little girl to smile. Other relatives and strangers often told me to smile. I assume this is impressed more upon little girls than boys.

I was raised in terror. If I stood out too much it might draw the attention of my dad when he was manic - which was every other week, day, second (manic depressive). I could get hit for laughing, hit for being upset, or hit for being too quiet, hit for sounding like my cousin, hit for being too fast, hit for being too slow. I remember once I threatened him with a hocky stick because he threw a beer at mum, I was maybe 12. I remember the screams to call the police on multiple occasions and then the phone was promptly ripped out of the wall and thrown down the road. Then there were the times my terrified siblings trying to get me to leave the house as the feared dad would tear the house down. There were not too many good options there. Not too much raising going on.

So I went slinking out the back...

As for how I was raised? Dunno, as a person I think. Mum was pretty good at giving us freedom to express ourselves - though perhaps the reality was she was always so busy that we did not see a lot of her. I think I had more freedom than my sisters. But then I am older and I think the world was considered a safer place then, or maybe that was the difference, as a 'boy' I had more freedom.

I was raised with having to smile. My parents were big about that. Which was fine when I was really little and actually happy. Now not so much. I am 28 and still having to be what they want rather then who I am. *sighs*

Well, I think you are old enough to make your own way now spacegyrl. What holds ye back?

Money and the fact that my parents are constantly in my life.   

I don't really know your situation so can't comment. I'm 32 and only just comming out to the world now. It just felt like it was my time. Perhaps you will find your time too, but it is not something you can wait for.

yeah my situation um super depressed about other things that happened and dealt with a lot of confusion towards gender.

I have sort of well meaning parents that tell me how everything has to be. Like I live alone, but they decided they were gonna decorate. (I fixed it the way I wanted after they left.) They aren't very nice to them and when I first came out as FTM they called me various swears and sick. No I think of myself as more androgyne, bigendered, but I would still prefer to have a male body.

Quote from: Nicky on March 02, 2009, 07:40:12 PM
Not too much raising going on.

well, your pop was certainly raising hell.

I didn't grow up in such an environment but some of my friends did, and I saw some of the results. It must have been tough, nicky. I'm sorry you had to go thru that 

http://tinyurl.com/ccbkzp

I don't necessarily remember being told to smile, but I learned really quickly not to show emotion.  My dad didn't hit me, but being around him felt like being cornered by a wild animal.  If you move or make a sound, he'll bite your head off.  I guess you could say he gave off an energy or a vibe or something.  He looked like a bear too, which didn't help.  In all that, somehow I got the idea that attention was bad.  I wouldn't even tell my family if I was sick or hurt.  I just smiled and acted like nothing was wrong.    So I always smile no matter what's going on and I also learned how to be invisible.  I'm working on it, but it's hard to stop hiding things.  My mom is really passive and she doesn't deal with her emotions and I think that probably rubbed off on me when I was little.

I have gotten quite outgoing and outspoken these past couple of years, thankfully.  I'd say it's mostly because they live 3 hours away.

i never remember being told to smile, but being a smiley person i often get asked 'what' wrong' when i am not.

"Beautify your faces with a smile. The smallest distance between two people is a smile"

Usually a smile got me in trouble. I was a mischievious child and a smile meant I had done somehting and thought nobody knew. That was not the case but some kind of punishment would wipe the smile off my face.

I don't remember ever being encouraged to smile by either of my parents when I was a kid, actually being nice and such wasn't even their style. But I think I figured out pretty early on that if I presented a pleasant and friendly countenance to others, they were more likely to do the same in return, and I liked that. 

I am sorry; I don't want to make anyone relive past traumas. I know better.

My mother (still alive but with severe dementia) had the knack of making each of her four children feel they were the black sheep of the family. We four never spoke of it as kids, so I only realized how they felt in recent years. The youngest, the only girl, actually believes she was abused.

I grew up believing my mother would have preferred I was a girl; she told everyone she kept having children until her daughter was born. She also told everyone I was cute, sweet, and naive (including my adviser at college, in writing). She told me I could do/be anything I wanted. Since I wasn't living up to my potential, I must be intentionally failing to hurt the family and especially her. Counselors in college had roughly the same message.

As for smiling, there came a time I was afraid my true gender was showing and sat for hours in front of a mirror practicing serious faces. As an aside, I've never liked costumes because they seem to reveal rather than hide my true identity. I am told I still smile a lot. More evidence I am weird and self-centered.

I am surprised no one else was taught to smile, and hope I didn't add to your pain.

Hugs,
S

no, you did not add to mine, Nina.

I find upbringing facinating. I'm only recently putting a lot of things together that I pushed aside for not wanting to process it.

You look happy. I've heard that it is almost impossible to fake a proper smile that involves the whole face.

Quote from: Nicky on March 03, 2009, 06:53:54 PM
no, you did not add to mine, Nina.

I find upbringing facinating. I'm only recently putting a lot of things together that I pushed aside for not wanting to process it.

You look happy. I've heard that it is almost impossible to fake a proper smile that involves the whole face.

Nicky, just consider me a contented monster.

My wife wears the ring I bought her at the Museum of Fine Arts. A copy of the ring Paul Revere made for his second wife, it bears the inscription he devised: Live contented.

Quoting Wikipedia: "Research has identified a number of correlates with happiness. These include religious involvement, parenthood, marital status, age, income and proximity to other happy people." You look happy yourself.

Thank you for being here,
S

Quote from: Simone Louise on March 03, 2009, 06:41:36 PM
I am sorry; I don't want to make anyone relive past traumas.

You certainly didn't cause me to relive any past traumas. I've got a relatively thick skin and I really don't trigger all that easily. Actually, I find the topics you post to be very interesting and thought provoking and I quite enjoy them. 

Quote from: Simone Louise on March 03, 2009, 06:41:36 PM
I grew up believing my mother would have preferred I was a girl; she told everyone she kept having children until her daughter was born.

My mother also wanted a girl, and had myself and my brother before my sister was born. She has said she would have stopped at one if I'd been a girl. Well... I am, just nobody realized it at the time.

Z