Hi I am a 27 yo male living in a very religious area of the US, and recently I have been seriously thinking about becoming a woman.  The more I think about it the more I want to do it.  I have researched many things, including the SOC, feminization surgeries, hrt, and voice surgery.  The thing that worries me is that I don't know how "convincing" I'd look and sound as a woman.  I know I could become a woman through my actions, I practice in private all the time and think I honestly do a good job.  If I do go through with it, I want to know that I would look, sound, and feel complete.  It's all or nothing - I don't want to do it if no one can accept the image.

As far as appearances go now, I am just under 6 feet, around 200 pounds, currently sporting a goatee and short-shaved hair.  Since I have been considering this, I've decided to let both grow out (so I can get the facial hair removed).

My questions here concern some of the other operations, like FFS, vocal training, voice surgery, and HRT.  I want to know how drastic the effects are, because I don't think I could pull off the "look" just through c/d.  To me, that's just not the same - I know that I'm still a man.  I want to be the woman.  Is voice surgery effective at all?  I have a fairly deep voice for a guy.

Also, even though I've researched the Harry Benjamin stuff, I still can't quite get a good concept of time involved.  If I started today, how long would I have to wait?

Also I'm worried about the real-life experience.  I haven't told another living soul about my interests in this, and I just know that my family won't react well, and neither will msot of my friends.  Work ironically I think would be accepting, they're a bunch of liberal people.

Never actually put on makeup, worn women's clothing, or did my hair special, but that's mainly because right now I don't have access to any of that, and I'm worried about getting caught.

Thanks for letting me ramble.  I needed to get a lot off my chest.  Any help or guidance with my concerns would be great, but I'm just glad I found this place!

Derek (Stephanie)

Hello stephanie.  You seem to be trying to approach this with intelligence and education, but in two threads you have begun on this subject I have a personal sense that one question is lacking in what you have asked.  Is this right for you?


And consider this please?  Are you waiting to become stephanie, or is stephanie trying to unlock the door?  The distinction is highly significant and has all the world to do with what you should or shouldn't do perhaps?

I see many intelligent words and evidence of study. You have not however explained or demonstrated any need to do so and in fact it would seem that you would rather not if acceptance as a female by others were not total on any or all levels.

Few of those who enter into this in a serious manner actually do so with complete knowledge that they will be perfectly "passable" and "acceptable" by the time they have surgery.  Many will never actually look anywhere close to thier own concept of how a proper woman should look and behave at all times.

Actually such things are relative.  A woman I work with once told me that she never likes to wear dresses, as they make her look to much like a man in a dress, as she is a very masculine woman.  I could point to many naturally born women during any given day who could pass for men with nothing more then a change of clothing and presentation.  Dispite their looks, when in their natural presentation, there is never any mistake that they are women.  It is NOT appearence which makes this self evident.

I for one can't or shouldn't talk about things like FFS or voice surgery.  Aside from seeing less value in such things as some others, they mostly depend on the psychological dependancy of the individual on external support and "crutches" to make it through life rather then having true confidence in themselves and their abilities.  Things like FFS, while not necessarily having any basis in fact or in the minds of others, are to me at least, a means of proving something you do not yourself feel in yourself but want others to see.  This is a harsh and brutal thing to say in this crowd as some have had it and many want it and my sentiments on this will not be appreciated, but is my feelings.  Perhaps I would feel differently if I were different.

Don't worry about rambling stefphanie, if you end up going down this trail, you'll learn what real rambling is all about.  The real life experience is a time of turning yourself inside out, taking the jigsaw of your life puzzle apart and putting it back together, often with new or modified pieces which have been altered in life outlook and perception of the world about you.  given a year or two in this process and you can't help to be but a completely different person then you began as.

You have many questions, but the way in which you have approached them in this, it would seem that the very first step in the process is of especially critical importance to you, that of seeking out a therapyst and sorting out your gender feelings.  There are many forms of Transgendered persons, but those who seek HRT and SRS are somewhat seperate and aside from all others, and even then, they themselves sub-divide somewhat in thier eventual goals.  Do not assume you are one of these or have any real reason or need to go their route.  It is insanity on any level for those involved with it and for those who don't actually need it, beyond any conception of insanity.

speculation about what to do can be done at any time when you know and understand what it is you are looking for and feel you must have in life, but first, that must be determined.  Seek out the best therapyst you can find and work with it, but work honestly, without trying to lead or influence the outcome.  It is proper to consider this a test, but the only one you can cheat on in this  test is yourself.

Good luck in your search and your journey and if you have specific questions about processes, there are those who can answer from personal experience, though that experience may differ from that of another.

Terri

hello Stephanie,

           i believe it is possible for most to look convincingly female if they go thru all available options, FFS etc. it can not happen overnight though. there is a reason it is called transition, it is a period of time that it takes to evaluate, prepare, go thru the various phases, procedures and learning processes. this involves long periods of time where we may look unusual or obviously show what we are going thru. it is unlike snapping our fingers and "becoming a woman". the physical changes, the clothes and the therapy will not change a man into a woman, only make a woman look more like herself.

            the first step is too find a therapist experienced with transgendered patients so you can fully understand your feelings and the course of action that is right for you.

            discussing things here is a good place to start. there are many wonderful people that have/are going thru what you are feeling who would love to help.




beth

Hello Stephanie, welcome to Susan's most wonderful Place

You mentioned, "It's all or nothing", which is a though I myself had many years ago in middle school one day. I'd do it, I thought, if I could be proper. I wanted a clone body or bust. Eventually many years later being perfect no longer mattered, I just had to be a woman regardless of the cost. I am not sure if I'm amused or annoyed by the thought that we get to "choose" this. I thought I had a choice in the matter, but I've lived to find I was mistaken.

FFS -- night and day difference; my personal opinion is it is a requirement for most.
Voice training -- requirement.
Voice surgery -- I have not heard anything really promising, unfortunately. I've known women with deep voices before;

Time involvement is generally 2 to 3 years from start to bottom surgery for those that choose that route. Roughly 3 months before changes are first noticeable I think.

I concur that your first step (and the first step for anyone by the by) is to find a therapist experienced with gender issues. You have options now, depending on which road you travel you can loose those options fairly quickly. Make triply sure you know what you are doing.

I am glad you found this wonderful place too

I hope you will enjoy your stay here and join in on the conversations

Also, please make sure you read the above two posts especially well, both my friends are very wise, as are their words.

Hello Stephanie, and Welcome to Susans,

You seem to have a lot of expectations about transitioning into a woman. As my sisters have said it is not an overnight deal. Electrolysis for facial hair removal is a loooong process. You could be sporting that beard a long time. It cannot be removed in a single session. Would that it could but...

Second I here a lot of I want in your post but not much about who you really are. Are you really a woman in a mans body or just a man who thinks it would be fun or neat to be a woman. This is a serious business and there is a point of no return in the process. You can't just say well I'm tired of this now I want to be a man again, cause it aint happenin. It's a one way trip.

That's what the real life test is about. You have to live as a woman and it has to be done before you reach the point of no return. You should see a therapist first thing. You will find from many here that not all therapists are transgender qualified. There are plenty of women and men here who can suggest therapists or streer you in the right direction. In the meantime we love to talk around here. You'll find us quite chatty. Read peoples stories in the coming out section. Do you see yourself in these?

The main thing is be sure and know that it takes years to fully transition and is irreversible. You would never be able to return all the way. Just can't be done.

Good luck, and again welcome to Susan's


Cassie

Well to answer a few people's questions, yes I know what the consequences are, that it is a one-way street, and not something to be taken lightly and done "for the fun of it."  There's no question in my mind that there is definitely a woman inside me clawing to get out.

This is the hard part to explain: most of the time when I'm imagining what I look like when I'm doing just about anything, I'm not picturing a man doing it.  I used to think it was wrong to fantasize about being a woman and there was something wrong with me, but honestly it makes me feel happy to imagine myself as a woman in any activity.  If I pass by a mirror and see my male body, honestly I feel greatly disappointed.

There's no question in my mind that I feel like a woman trapped in a man's body.  Have all my life, but most of the time I have learned to ignore it.  The main concern I have is that when it's all said and done, and I'm a woman (if I do decide to go through with it), I would want to be attractive - who wouldn't?  If I can't complete the image, I won't feel whole.  The reason I don't crossdress now is that I know that I'm still a man, and I wouldn't look right.  I'm tempted to try at least, in the privacy of my own home.  But I"ve never done it before and don't want to get discouraged.

Thanks for the support, everyone, I can already tell that this is a great place to get both support and honest answers, from people who know what they're talking about!

--Derek (Stephanie)

Hello Stephanie, welcome, welcome....

I appologise in advance if I seem a little blunt, but I am a little concerned about your motives for this...

Quote from: stephanie on July 23, 2005, 03:30:42 AM
Hi I am a 27 yo male living in a very religious area of the US, and recently I have been seriously thinking about becoming a woman.

The first thing that I have to ask is "why" do you want to become a woman.  I'm afraid that "seriously thinking about it" even if now you are stating that you have felt like a woman trapped in side a mans body, just doesn't cut it.

Quote from: stephanie on July 23, 2005, 03:30:42 AM

It's all or nothing - I don't want to do it if no one can accept the image.

An acceptable image has absolutly nothing to do with being a woman.  It is who you are, not how you look.

QuoteMy questions here concern some of the other operations, like FFS, vocal training, voice surgery, and HRT. I want to know how drastic the effects are, because I don't think I could pull off the "look"

Again Derek, being a woman is "not" pulling off the look"

QuoteAlso, even though I've researched the Harry Benjamin stuff, I still can't quite get a good concept of time involved. If I started today, how long would I have to wait?

That's an easy one...  The time involved is a "lifetime".  Being a woman is not a question of mixing the right ingredients in a bowl, and waiting for something to ferment.

QuoteNever actually put on makeup, worn women's clothing, or did my hair special, but that's mainly because right now I don't have access to any of that, and I'm worried about getting caught. 

While this may not seem exactly fair to you, I trully believe that you be better off to give this alot more thought, and I mean a lot.  Right now it seems that this is a whim, even though you say that now "you feel like a woman trapped inside a mans body", when  earlier you said that "it's something that you would like to try, you think you could pull it off".   I trully believe that you should take some time to read the material here at Susan's there is a wealth of information to be found and may be after that you may have a better understanding of who you are and what you want.

Again Stephanie, I apologise if this is a little blunt but I think it needed to be said.  Welcome to Susan's take your time here and join in it's a very nice place to be. 

Steph

Thanks for the honesty, Steph.  I know that it will take some more thought and I need to sit down and figure out exactly why I would want to go through with this.  I know that therapy would definitely be the best place to start, and it's not like I can afford to go through with anything right now anyway, so all I have is time to think about it.

Like I said, I just have a lot of questions that need to be answered before a definite "yes" or "no."  And I know it feels like a whim, especially since I've only be seriously considering it for about two weeks.  But I've thought about it many times in the past.  I've always had a better emotional connection with women than with men.  Never really felt like I fit the stereotypical male gender role.  I'm jealous of women's bodies.  The list goes on and on, but it's all just excuses.

I don't know if this is the best reason or even a "good" reason.  But all I know for sure is that I've never felt like the person I am on the outside reflects who I am on the inside.  I am extremely conflicted about this, as I'm sure many men were when they decided to become women.

Quote from: stephanie on July 23, 2005, 05:43:45 PM


  I am extremely conflicted about this, as I'm sure many men were when they decided to become women.

Decided?  I *decided* to do this about the same time you *decided* what color hair you were going to be born with!

Ok Stephanie, as you said,

  " yes I know what the consequences are, that it is a one-way street, and not something to be taken lightly and done "for the fun of it."  There's no question in my mind that there is definitely a woman inside me clawing to get out." [/color]

So you think you know and you think you know information and communication is a "two way street" and none of us are here "for the fun of it". and you have no question or doubt about the woman in you and how important that is, as it is desperately "clawing to get out"

Ok I guess I for one will have to consider that you have done your homework and have to take you at face value for what you say for the time being anyway,  unless you change your mind?  Ok, no problem ...  but first of all, since your a member of the community now, you probably should get used to dealing with some people who are either up to it with PC or who demand respect and have earned it, therefore things you may not be aware of yet but need to consider behove you to pay attention to.

There are a lot of people who knew exactly what they were doing, just like you, but did it beyond all odds or expectations, and they have always identified as women, never backing up from that for an instance, not for a chance at money, for a job, for a marrage or for anything whatso ever, they did what thier insides told then had to be done and burnt all necessary bridges to get there, thus:

I am extremely conflicted about this, as I'm sure many men were when they decided to become women.

Decided?  I *decided* to do this about the same time you *decided* what color hair you were going to be born with!

You get where I'm coming from Stepanie?  The woman who replied to you about men becoming women, is one such who wouldn't and hasn't every identified as a man since saying "enough".

You don't even hint to her that she "became" a woman, what she knows is she alwas was, she just had to start living it, and she did, through it all, and if you want to talk clawing all the way .... so Please, have some respect in the things you say, you will find those here who have thier own goals and needs, but you will find others who like a snack once in a while if you get insulting.  read past posts, consider information,  learn that we each are individuals and most of all, try to put together that elusive piece of puzzle that is a woman.

People here are sensing a sort of 'air" in your postings on this, that you are somewhat detatched from it, making a decision of to try it or not but not wanting to do something you would rather not get into, or get into above your head.

The drive isn't kicked into even solar, let along warp or hyper, it's a common traight that kind of makes it's way though among those that have it, but you seem for all the workd to have it under control for now at least, an enviable position, but one most can not imagine.  Your just .... so ..... casual about it.

Ok, a tower of strength, known those before .... so do you believe without any and all doubt you need to live the rest of your life as a woman and are willing to do this no matter what the cost or the damage it may do you?  And don't forget, you have to start and make it to the finish line without ever knowing for positive sure you will make it or if it will be what you wanted to find in life?  Of course if you know what you want in life, you will know what to look for on the way, won't you?  So it's safe enough, if your healthy, adaptive, somewhat mercenary and can learn to look back and laugh at a few hard knocks, but only if it was the only thing you could do, I wouldn't want to think about what it would be like if you went through all that and somewhere along the line it got weired on you if you still werent sure it was worth it regardless.

Keep communicating stephanie, and just as importantly, keep communicating.  It's important you begin from yourself to understand where you are in this and not misinterpet things you may be feeling.  Even if sort of money, do what you can to find a therapyst and see that person on a regular basis, and keep it honest so the therapyst can bring you to terms with your true feelings,  It doing it For you Stephanie, You be sure what it is you want, what you want to grow old and die with, not what will be a real gas for a while. 

You get that started and THEN do a little thinking about perhaps you might consider becoming a member of the opposite sex as well as a socially active member of the female gender.  Then perhaps we'll talk about that and a very different journey to run alongside your physical journey and we'll do em both while you start on the mental journey and begin to drop pieces of you like so much mud covering and firm up inner pieces of you and watch you begin to think and relate in very different ways and means and terms then before, gradually becoming as a stranger from the male life that was.  It'll be fun watching a new woman grow from a pea pod, perhaps someday I can ask for a mutual hug and perhaps some tears for days gone bye.  I hope so, I really hope so.

If you really do mean it, and really and actually understand from the beginning what kind of lava lake you are willfully going swimming in, they come on in, the rocks are terrific and we love company, just be prepared to make a few evolutionary adjustments during the process.

Terri

When I said "decided to become women" what I meant was "decided" to go through with the operation.  I don't think all transgendered women actually get that done.

I always knew I'd have to catch flak for this, just never figured it would be from this community.  Sorry if I offended anyone, or didn't word something right.

I'm going to speak with a therapist before posting another word on this site.  If you never hear from me again, assume that I decided against it.

Good luck with your lives.

 "When I said "decided to become women" what I meant was "decided" to go through with the operation.  I don't think all transgendered women actually get that done."

Again with the decisions.  If you stick around long enough you will learn what has nothing to do with decisions.  I know, .... your being picked on again, but it's just a communication misunderstanding and in time, TS or not, you will begin to understand it.  Please take time to understand before you misunderstand.  You are being asked to define yourself within yourself, ro yourself, and you haven't shown any evidence of doing so as of yet, meaning you could easily make the mistake of your life without sufficient cause to do so.  There is no shame or disgrace in settleing for what you are rather then what you perceive as an ideal.  But in the end, what you do is up to you and you alone.  No one and nothing will stand in your way if you have the commitment, let alone anyone here.  Remember, TS's are by definition and by actions somewhat insane and by medical definition are brain damaged.  Those that have the condition have no choice in the matter, so there IS no concious decision it to do it or not.  They do it because the have to because it is the only right thing they can do, no matter about how passable or how lonely they become.  They simply must because they are and there is no such thing as picking and choosing in such matters.  You could discuss this and find out more if you really wanted to explore yourself.

Don't take it like that Stephaniie, as you have, it's not like that at all.  You are right, very few transgendered actually make it to surgery, want to or not.  There are reasons for that.  All anyone wants is for you to be absolutely sure of your motives and what you really want before getting involved in things you seem to have so little understanding of, despite having watched the movie, read the book etc....

There are many issues in this and when you get right down to it, just presenting as a woman and actually getting on hormones is actually the easy part and is a drop in the bucket toward the dues you will pay before it is done and over with.

Just take what has been said as concern for those who want to jump in feet first before they really understand what thier needs actually are.  It's like swatting flies with iron skillets.   A lot of effort, pain and expense as well as risk if you could have actually been happier somewhere in the "spectrum" more suited to your actuall needs.  The step and direction you have been considering, is only for those who realize up front what they are taking on and are positive beyond any doubt that it is something that life isn't worth living without.

You are just being advised to slow down enough to think about yourself and what you need in life before getting caught up in something that none of those involved with would do or have done if it werent absolutely necessary for them to live.  If you are one of these, just consider it concern for a new woman who may not realize all that is involved, or how necessary it is to be without a doubt from the beginning, no matter how it breaks down in the middle somewhere, with no going back and the possible nightmare either way.

At least take the time to work with it and determine if you really need that or if something a little shorter might be more suited to you.  It all just depends on you and has nothing to do with what others say or think, but again, this is one of thoses journeys that is nothing like you have been led to expect it is and it is important that you be eyes open from the beginning, and even if after realizing what it will actually take to see it through, no matter how great the commitment, you feel it has to be done in order to live life as a better person, then all here hope you do it.

Just trying to keep your options open for you while you learn what it is you want to do, as the movies and books don't count for much when it is in your face.

Thank about it and learn to talk, not throw up your hands and walk off at the first hint of no rubber stamps.

The community is here to help you, but in terms of help, not BS like you might expect from some places you may have seen and would likely call loving support???.  Stick around and explore the system and the people, learn that you have much to learn and seek all the help you can get, as you will need it even in the best of transitions.

All of us need each other, but what we need more is the truth.

Terri

Maybe it's just me but some of the responses here have seemed pretty rough.  Have you all forgetten what this was like in the beginning: the doubts, the anxiety, the craziness of it all?  Good gentle advice should be the goal here, not a critical examination of every word. 

These things are probably true Stephanie:

You'll need a good therapist to find your way.  Specialty in gender issues is a must.

If you are trans, you will probably continue forward whether you "want" to or not.  You will continue forward regardless of what people think.

How you look doesn't mean much in the end. 

FFS is worth it if you can afford it but it's not a magic bullet and you will not become a princess.

Vocal surgery is unproven, vocal training a must.  You can do it at home.

HRT effects are generally reversible up to one year--longer in some cases.  Most take them for the mental effects not the physical.

No one knows how long it will take.  Some people take more than a decade.  I transitioned to full time in less than a year which is very fast.

How people will react is an unknown.  Some people you think will be accepting will react badly and some you feel will never do well will embrace you. 

The "look"?  you'll find out what that is when you get there.  It won't be anything like you imagine now.

Good luck in doing the right thing for you.

Cailyn

i do believe that we were too hard on Stephanie. she may have worded things wrong and may have been indecisive or unsure.  helping someone unsure is one of the reasons Susan's exists and one reason we are here. i think all the questions she was bombarded with would have eventually had to be answered by her, but not the first day here. i havent been through what some here have yet so maybe i am as misinformed as she is but i think we should have given her time to express her feelings more and that may have given her a better incite as to what lies ahead. by the time i sought help  i was totally beaten down, suicidal and desperate. Stephanie isnt there yet thank god, is that a requirement to be here?   i hope not and i hope Stephanie will come back and join us.



beth

Quote from: Cailyn on July 24, 2005, 07:41:40 AM
Maybe it's just me but some of the responses here have seemed pretty rough.  Have you all forgetten what this was like in the beginning: the doubts, the anxiety, the craziness of it all?  Good gentle advice should be the goal here, not a critical examination of every word. 

If the world only threw power puffs maybe good and gentle would be sufficent.  Unfortunately the world uses fairly round mineral objects and hard pointy things.    If the words on a monitor are enough for a person to run because their senses were offended what is going to happen the first time they venture out of the closet?  The world is dam sure not all sweetness and light.

Far to many people and sites are of the "you go girl" mentality.  Everything is great, fun, exciting, glam and sssooo accepting.  Cept it just ain't all like that is it?  The real world can be a cruel, vindictive, mean spirited place for many. 

Hard on Stephanie?

Lemme think a moment.  Stephanie walks in, states she has read some books and studied the SOC and thinks perhaps that sense she's been thinking about it for a couple of weeks or so then perhaps she should "Decide" to go on HRT and have Surgery.  The only problem with doing this though is she wants to be sure she ends up with Big Breasts, a good figure and can find a good FFS person to make her beautiful or at least unquestionably "passable".  All along has been the theme that she is thinking of HRT and Surgery but doesn't feel it would be worth it if she doesn't pass 100% and is totally accepted as a women by the world.

Combine this attitude of "sounds like something to do this morning" along with no idea at all about what drives persons who take the route she is saying she might choose to go down as long as all her conditions are met and it's pretty easy to get an idea she needs to be talked to straight out and now.

Personally, I got the idea she was aiming at becoming Post OP because she felt it was some kind of status achievement and that it would be demeaning to her to settle for anything less, which 1,000,000 to one is where she actually is, if anywhere at all on the TG spectrum.

NO, without further evidence to the contrary, and without wanting to open up and talk any at all about feelings in the matter, This is a person who definately needed to be given all the options possible short of taking off down the OP goal before even considering what her feelings and nature were.

Besides, I saw and tried not to leave anything hurtful or derogitory toward her, that was just her conception because as Leigh pointed out, she came in expecting the "Go Girl" attitude and to be accepted as a top of the heap person because of a post op goal.  Myself, I had not so much as a sense of GID from this person.  Perhaps I'm Blind and Deaf, but was my feeling, so I won't feel bad if she took off because she didn't get her pat on the head.

Terri

I couldn't agree with Teri and Leigh more. I don't think we were hard on her, just factual and we voiced, I think, very valid concerns. I thought her initial post was more like, well just woke up today and read all this material and thought I'd try being a woman.

When I posted my reply I thought at first I might be a little off base as I am one of those who has always known. I didn't just decide one day and his/her post struck a nerve. As Leigh said if he/she can't take a little powder puff hit out of concern how is he/she going to handle it when the real rocks start getting thrown.

If she goes running away now then he is much better off.

Cassie

Since one of my biggest phobias is being misunderstood, please allow me to try and work out this horrific mess of a first impression.  Sorry for the long post.

First of all, I know it sounded like I woke up one morning as said, "gee I think I'll become a woman.  Wouldn't that be a larf?"  Believe me, this is certainly not the case.  I've been feeling this way for the last fifteen years, even since I started high school.  I can remember that most of my friends were women because we thought almost exactly alike.  Even today some of my best friendships have been with women because of that same reason; it's like we're sisters.  But every time the thought came up that I might actually be a woman on the inside, born into the wrong gender (the exact phrase was "lesbian in a man's body"), I had to react the only way my ultra-conservative upbringing knew how - ignoring, dismissing, and denying that it ever happened.  I was born a guy, and that's what I was supposed to be.  For fifteen years, I struggled to keep "her" down inside me.  Sometimes it was easy and I never really felt like anything was wrong, and at other times, "she" screamed so loud that I couldn't function.  Several times I would let my thoughts wander and I would picture myself as a woman, wearing the clothes, makeup, jewelry, and everything.  Once I "caught" myself, I'd fall back on the dismissal, ignoring, and denial that I had become familiar with.  But then I'd feel very depressed about having to "go back to being a man" again.

Without getting carried away with excuses, let me just say that recently I've been through an amazing period of self-discovery.  I've finally allowed myself to stop ignoring, dismissing and denying these feelings, and found that I don't feel quite as "guilty" as I did before.  It's more like I looked inside myself to find "her" again and let "her" out instead of keeping "her" locked up in a cell.  I can't express how wonderful it's felt to let "her" free.  I had never acknowledged on a serious level that she was there inside me.  It was only recently that I gave her a name, which I consider a big step toward acceptance.  Coming on to this forum and announcing my feelings and questions was a huge hurdle, and I know it's quite tiny compared to what I'd be going through.  But the fact that I'm also here with the new name (Stephanie) shows that I no longer consider "her" to be a separate part of me, but rather an integral and quite strong aspect of my identity.  Maybe I'm not exactly like everyone else here, who never felt it was a decision.  My decision is not "whether I feel like a man or a woman" but rather "do I completely shed the old me and let the true aspect take the controls, or learn to live both lives?"

So maybe I'm still nervous about how to handle myself now that I'm whole and accepting of who I am.  Maybe I sounded very clinical and casual in my first post.  Maybe I sounded like I wanted to do this "on a whim because it sounded like a hoot."  But please understand - please - I'm just very nervous and not quite sure of how to continue.  I'm not used to being this open about myself.  Coming here was a big step.  I came here looking for acceptance and guidance from people who are more experienced and knowledgeable than I am.  What you described as a "powder-puff hit" was stronger than I thought, although I know that I'll have to deal with things a thousand times worse.  I don't blame anyone here for that, I always value honesty above anything else (though I'm still learning how to be honest with myself).  I appreciate the fact that everyone here was concerned enough about me and my mental state to not mince words.  I am not "running away at the first sign of apprehension," I was simply agreeing with what everyone said that I need to learn if this is right for me, and if I'm doing this for the right reasons.  I whole-heartedly agree that therapy is an excellent place to start.  But I know that I'm not happy with acting like a man anymore.  It's never really felt right.

But at the same time, I also can't help but wonder and ask questions about a physical appearance.  It's not for society to accept me, I just figure if I'm going to go through with changing the way I look, I might as well try my best to look my best - I mean, who wouldn't want to look their best?  I don't care if people think I'm ugly, or if I look like a "man who is trying to pass as a woman."  I just would like to be able to look in the mirror and finally see what I've always wanted to see.  Someone here has a signature that quotes something I've always followed.  "Shoot for the moon.  If you miss, you'll hit the stars."  How true is that?

Like I said for right now I'm just going to see a therapist and maybe look into a support group.  I'll start dieting and losing weight, something that I should do anyway.  I've figured that perhaps for Halloween I'll go en femme, to sort of test the waters of how I take to it and my friends reactions as well.

I'm not running away.  I'm not backing down.  I'm dedicated to searching my feelings and figure out what I really want and what I really need.  I'm hoping that I'll be welcome here and will still look here first for answers to any questions I might have.

Quote from: stephanie on July 24, 2005, 10:37:43 PM... My decision is not "whether I feel like a man or a woman" but rather "do I completely shed the old me and let the true aspect take the controls, or learn to live both lives?" ...

I think, the older you get the less choice you will have in that decision.


I do think you are on the correct path to find yourself, and I think your view of it all will shift a few times in the process of finding yourself.

I hope you like what you find and that your path is pleasant

QuoteI'm hoping that I'll be welcome here and will still look here first for answers to any questions I might have.

              you are very welcome here Stephanie.  myself and many others here will help all we can and i'm sure you will help us also. once we decide to explore our true selves it usually results in a good feeling. i hope it's like that for you and you find and can be your true self.




love

beth