I didn't think I was a freak... honestly, I had no clue there were female-to-male transsexuals until I was 18 and saw Boys Don't Cry. Prior to that, I think I'd heard of drag queens, but obviously never equated that with transsexualism. As far as I was aware, "women" who liked girls and tended to dress in a more masculine fashion were lesbians. I saw a news program on lesbian families when I was 10, the first thing I had ever heard about lesbians in general (my parent kept me COMPLETELY sheltered), and decided that must be me... though I never did feel comfortable with the lesbian label. And seeing Boys Don't Cry was enlightening, but only in that I knew what I was, yet didn't want to be it. I didn't want to be persecuted and beaten down and possibly killed for who I was.
I never really felt like anything, really. My parents and those around me were always so convinced I was a girl, and despite my telling them for years that I was a boy, no one believed me. The signals in my head conflicted with those in the outside world, so I compromised: I became both and neither, an entity comprised of flesh and bone and substance but without gender identity. Perhaps that's why it took me 24 years to start my transition.
SD