When I look back at the process of finally coming to accept I'm transsexual I see an endless wave on denial and selling myself on the idea I can't transition. The first time the realization I'm transsexual really hit me was about three years ago. I had repressed Julie for almost ten years but the feelings were bulging the surface and soon the mountain would explode. I was ignoring the signs and thought a little internet time would pacify these feelings.

I found transsexual.org, the site with the COGIATI test. I took the test but tried to skew the results so it would come up that I was transsexual. It came up "probable transsexual". Okay, fine, now let's see what happens if I answer all questions completely honestly. I was sure the number would drop. It didn't, it went up. Result: transsexual. I started to cry. I was in the basement on my laptop at the time. The rest of the family was upstairs. Then my daughter came down and saw me crying. "What's the matter daddy?" I made up something because I couldn't tell her. Even though I knew this test wasn't anything I should take seriously what it did was make me admit what I already knew, I was transsexual.

I put that back in the ground for a while but the bulge in the surface only got bigger. Disaster was looming and I was totally clueless.

In June of 2004 I went to Be-All. I got there Friday afternoon. I had come straight from work and looked like your typical construction worker. Even the girl at the checkout seemed surprised when I told her I was with the convention. The weekend was glorious! I needed that so badly! But when Sunday came and it was time to checkout, I lost it. The thought of going back to that life of repression was unbearable. I started crying uncontrollably. I cried for three hours. During that time I called my wife. I told her I couldn't go back to that life. I had to be me. All I wanted to hear was "Jim, I love you. Come home. Everything will be okay." What I got was "You need help." I hung up on her.

The mountain had erupted. The effect it would have took months to realize.

Divorce, loss of children, a brother and some friends soon followed. I felt very much alone. I got back on HRT. Then Liz called. She had just gotten back from Montreal for GRS. She told me of her experience. It seemed like heaven. I knew at that point I must transition. But I still couldn't say I was transsexual.

Therapy couldn't get me to admit it. Friends would tell me they know it's just a matter of time. I'd think, "What are they talking about? I never said I'd transition." I was putting out all the signs but I was the only one who wasn't seeing it. Denial can be very powerful.

Then, not more than a couple of weeks ago, I saw two pictures that were exactly two years apart. I put them side by side and I was blown away! I couldn't believe that old pic was even me! Then I realized I had changed, a lot! That's when I really knew I could do this and that's when I finally admitted to myself I was transsexual.

Nice job Jules, it only took 55 years!

Hi Julie,
Very good story.
Evertime I dress and go out I have a harder time coming home. I just don't want to pretented I'm a male. I came out to my wife late last fall and my children early this year.   My So doesn't want to see me in "drag" as she calls it. But the joke is on her because i'm only cross dressing when I dress as a male. She seem to be finally excepting me as being TG. I now need to take another baby step forward. Because of our marrage I had decided to keep the stuff beteen my legs. But she said that she was not a lisbean and has not been even intrested in sex with me for a year. So why keep those things between my legs, I don't like them anyway.
Sorry you just struck a nerve and had to share.

Self denial seem to have plaged me too.

Quoteit only took 55 years!

Yes and I'm another one.

Jillieann

tinkerbell

I knew I was TS 6 years after I was born.

Admitting that to myself and my family was the hardest thing to do and took another 33 years before I could face up to this challenge.

in 1998 two suicide attempts where the trigger to force me to find that courage and although I knew I would lose every thing (and I did).... Only two choices, and I decided God could wait.

8 years on it seems incedulous now that I ever had a life as a guy. The process of turning a dream into reality took a lot longer than it should have done and created much heartache and depression along the way.....

I should have found happiness a lot earlier.

Buffy

Hey Julie,

So good to see you.  As you know, you helped me with my own denial.   I am glad to see you pushing forward doing what you think is right, when you think it is time to do it.  Welcome to Susan's, I am so happy to see you again.

Love always.
Elizabeth

Quote from: Elizabeth on July 29, 2006, 10:03:32 PM
Hey Julie,

So good to see you.  As you know, you helped me with my own denial.   I am glad to see you pushing forward doing what you think is right, when you think it is time to do it.  Welcome to Susan's, I am so happy to see you again.

Love always.
Elizabeth

Sweetie, you and I go back a long way and it's lovely to see you again. BTW, you look marvelous!

It took me while but I'm ready now. Just another step.

Hope all is well with you Elizabeth. I have thought about you often.

I still regress at times......... I get this feeling of "I need to be responsable.... I need to do this and that... what the heck am I doing with my life, whats going to happen with my job/band....."...... and so on and so forth.......

Then I come to my sences and get on with life and transition because Ive allready proven that if I dont move forward Im likely to fall into that deep dark pit and next time I may not have the strenght to climb back out....

Quote from: LynnER on July 30, 2006, 04:35:12 AM
Ive allready proven that if I dont move forward Im likely to fall into that deep dark pit and next time I may not have the strenght to climb back out....

Keep that thought forward in your mind. It is an absolute and cannot be changed. Years of denial and living in that dark pit taught me that. You are young and at an age when it's all too easy to look at those who have spent decades happily living a "normal life" and think "I can do that too!" Well, a normal life for us is a bit different. We first have to correct the birth defect. Once we do, we too can live a normal life.

Julie Marie,

Am in total agreement with you.  It was extremely hard to admit to myself that I was a transsexual.  But once it was out in the open it made life much easier for me and those who love me. It just took a long time, 60+ years and a good therapist.


Laura823

Quote from: Laura823 on July 30, 2006, 09:38:34 AM

Am in total agreement with you.  It was extremely hard to admit to myself that I was a transsexual.  But once it was out in the open it made life much easier for me and those who love me. It just took a long time, 60+ years and a good therapist.

Yes, the Djinni doesn't EVER go back in the bottle, once you let her out.  But, when I had my epiphany, that's one of the things that I realized.  It's been a calming, stabilizing influence on me, realizing I can't stop, go back, ignore it, pretend its not there, etc.  I can only prepare the road ahead and let it happen...

Karen

Quote from: Laura823 on July 30, 2006, 09:38:34 AM
Julie Marie,

Am in total agreement with you.  It was extremely hard to admit to myself that I was a transsexual.  But once it was out in the open it made life much easier for me and those who love me. It just took a long time, 60+ years and a good therapist.


Laura823

Congratulations Laura...... It is never to late Honey

Buffy

I've identified with women more so than men my whole life; I'm 32 yrs old and have a 9yr old daughter from a failed relationship; I've always kept people at a distance. I'm an only child; my mothers been deceased for 14yrs and my father as advanced stage alzheimers.. I really don't have any friends, maybe a couple of associates..I beleive that I might have come to terms with wanting to be a girl during my puberty stage, but I repressed my core feelings and turned to alcohol and the like. I've had an epiphany moment do to some deep introspectives over the pass 5yrs. I find myself at a turning point, with a unique window of oppertunity, to persue my happiness and I believe for me crossdressing will never be enough I want GRS and I want to re locate. I know that I am a Transexual but I've never shared this with a living soul. All that aside I've left my home town and returned more than a dozen times, an indefinite change of scenery is exactly what I need. I know so little about the transition and I'm poor but I'm resourceful and dedicated to that which I put my heart and mind to please... point me in the right direction.

I had repressed everything as well and the internet time did help me come to terms with it.  However, I did not resist as you did at this point.  I remember taking the cogiati as well and when I took it, I answered all questions with complete honesty and I got the result of "probable transsexual".  However, the answer in and of itself was not so important, but how I felt about it had much more value.  I was constantly looking to my heart for truth (which I had trained myself to do in order to use my intuition more effectively) and that told me a lot.  I knew what I was and what I had to do, however, I also looked at it as relief to my constant plaguing problem that has always been background noise in my life (and had recently become much louder).  At this point in my transition, the background noise has died way down and sometimes I forget it was there, but still from time to time, it comes back; especially when using the bathroom.  Hopefully finishing transition will make this noise finally become a bearable level.

Melissa

Julie Marie, it took me 49 years, 11 months and 2 weeks to figure it out.  TV shows (on Discovery Health Network) and the internet finally woke me up.  I knew I was female inside (had a "female soul" is the way I put it) but I never considered the possibility of changing to be real.

It's interesting how you repressed your realization of transitioning while others saw it so clearly.  My wife is closer to 100% sure that I will than I am.  Maybe the same situation (gotta think on that one!).

helen



Posted at: July 31, 2006, 07:29:51 PM

---

Hello and Welcome, Xendra!

You've stumbled on a wonderful place to find help in your search.  The links, library and, especially, the WIKI are full of the kind of information that you're looking for.  Reading through the forums will give other people's personal stories and views about what they have gone through and are still going through.  Sharing here is safe (because of the easy rules - please be sure to read and follow them - and ever vigilant moderators) and the wonderful members are very supportive.

I'm really happy that you found us and decided to start posting.  I'll be looking forward to reading more from you in the future and I'm again, happy to say,

WELCOME ! !  
helen

Only took me two suicidal ideations in a month to force me to come to terms with myself after I suppressed it after my rape, which was also the first time I told anyone. So only about 21 years of my life in denial, not too bad.

Julie,
  Many of us go in denial, before, and during transition. I knew I was trans when I was 17, when I learned of the term. I left home at the age of 21, began to transition, only to do a 360 back 5 years later to make my mother happy, ended up getting married to a man - big mistake, having kids trying to be a "woman" only to turn all the way back 17 years later and now on the verge of finally finishing what I started so long ago. You did what you had to to to be who you are, and you look great.

                                      Marco

It's curious.

Even though i have known for more than a year that, yes, I'm transsexual, seeing it in black and white in my hormone letter that arrived last Friday has motivated me to once again re-evaluate and worry about what the full implications are. 

The letter said, " . . . diagnosed with a gender identity disorder, specifically male to female transsexualism."  I feel awed and scared and also kind of depressed about this and I'm not sure why.  I feel happy that I've been validated in my self-diagnosis and I'm satisfied, at least at one level, that it's the right thing for me to do.  But I wonder if it's the realization of the enormity of consequences the path that I'm following can generate that's raising these doubts and fears.  Or if it's the medical terminology, "diagnosed" and "disorder" that is tweaking my anxiety.

But for all that I'm thrilled that I'll be taking the next step in the journey.

No need to reply, I'm just getting it off my chest.

thnx helen