I can't help but think that this was ALL scripted out long ago. Sometimes I swear the only time I feel a sense of "choice" is when I'm finding ways to avoid the role I'd scripted for myself back at the beginning. Fate. Destiny. I... musn't... submit. Must... maintain... control.

Over what? The increasing pain, hopelessness and torture?

There really is no choice.  You brain is physically different from a non-transsexual and you are attempting to use it in a way that doesn't work and it is wearing out.  You have now figured out what must be done to use it the way for which it was designed, but still you resist.  It will wear you out soon enough.

Melissa

Now I would like a few necklaces and some other thing to  make my look complete. I can see I am now well and truly on my way. I have had a few days of work to rest after last week and enjoy being in my feminine clothes.

Alice

PS  Yes I am finding resistence is futile

Alice,

My friend, it sounds like you are fighting your ->-bleeped-<- even more that what I did! 

May I make a suggestion?  Go someplace where you can be alone and talk outloud.  If talking to yourself bothers you, ask a friend who knows about Alice to come along and listen ONLY.  No advice allowed from your friend!  It doesn't have to be for days - even just a few hours where you can talk.

I read your posts and truly understand what you are going through.  The confusion level is peaking off the scale.  The stress level has probably raised your blood pressure significanlty.  Sucicide may have even crept into your thoughts now and then.  Nothing serious, but something to relieve the pain and confusion.

I know that I work hard to stay wings-level.  Turbulence throws me all over the emotional sky.  I can't always maintain my altitude, but, if I stay wings level, I can keep moving forward.  My steps are small.  What has helped me stay wings-level is both talking with someone and talking alone to myself.

Feel free to email me if you need someone to talk with.

Chaunte

Chaunte,

I am certainly not going to try and run away again.

I have had my dark days but with the help of everyone here, my friends, my dotor and consillor I am sure I can get through.

I have accepted I am TG a long time ago. I still do not know what that means and if I am TS. These are the issues I am working through now.

Alice


Posted at: July 27, 2006, 01:11:42 PM

---

LOL- Well I did some more shopping today.

I brought some hig-healed shoes - the ones I have wanted for a while but I did not buy when I was a guy. I have had my hair permed and eyebrowse and eyelashes tinted. I think the eyebrowse are a bit dark but appart from that all is good.


Alice




Posted at: July 28, 2006, 04:40:12 PM

---

Having told Chaunte I am not going to run - tonight I just want to do that. I can  feel myself torn in two again. Tomorrow I have to face work and tell everyone everything is ok. I just hope I do not fall apart like a did the previous week.

Alice

Alice, you know longer have to put on your guy disgise.  I know its hard with out him to protect you, but he also held you back.
You can do it girl.
I know you can walk into work and be the beautiful woman that you are.
Don't worry about how other acts it their problem not yours. Some people may turn away but others will only want the best for you.

Think of it this way your on a new journey a real adventure you are learning and grown into the person you only dreamed you could be.

Remember
Just relax and be yourself. Do your job. Everthing will work out.
Don't worry about how other will react.

I know that you can do it Alice.
You can email me if you want to talk more.
Your TS Sister,

Jillieann

 

Alice........ again best of luck, Your one tough and brave cookie...... I wish I had your guts and strenght 

Everything will work out for you Im sure  *hugs*

Feeling better now- things are ok at work.



Alice

PS I know running is not going to work

Who is ever "in control?"
There's too many factors in life.
BUT...
I'd hate life if I controlled it all.
SO yes,
ENJOY THE RIDE.
And give me a ticket if you can!

Ah, but we do have a lot of control.  Much more than we realize.  Maybe not control of the Gender Dysphoria, but control of how we live our lives.  I have completely reshaped my life and that was definitely in my control.

Melissa

Quote from: Kate on July 25, 2006, 11:11:45 PM
I can't help but think that this was ALL scripted out long ago. Sometimes I swear the only time I feel a sense of "choice" is when I'm finding ways to avoid the role I'd scripted for myself back at the beginning. Fate. Destiny. I... musn't... submit. Must... maintain... control.

Over what? The increasing pain, hopelessness and torture?

Fate has but ONE variable,
the choice of sentient beings eg: HUMANS.

Quote from: Melissa on August 31, 2006, 10:37:17 PM
Ah, but we do have a lot of control.  I have completely reshaped my life and that was definitely in my control.

Melissa

Ah My dear friend whom I haven't conversated with in so long Control??
Why is it we all have this need to feel in control of something...??
You had control to reshape your life however look how long it took you to find and use that control! No way directed at you negatively my dear just something to lets say marinate on!
For ALL,
Control Is somewhat of an illusion in my opinion one can never really control anything there are always those unknown factors that will effect your control over anything so why bother with the illusion of control and just say I have a handle on the situation even know I know it can become outta control

[/quote]
Fate has but ONE variable,
the choice of sentient beings eg: HUMANS.
[/quote]

Kudos to you or whereever you got that one from ANNYWYN.

Bye ALL

Quote from: Chynna on August 31, 2006, 11:09:57 PM

Control Is somewhat of an illusion in my opinion one can never really control anything there are always those unknown factors that will effect your control over anything so why bother with the illusion of control and just say I have a handle on the situation even know I know it can become outta control

I say we do have a certain amount of control.  Perhaps not control over everything, but over some things.  For instance, I have contol enough to respond to your post, so that alone invalidates your claim that we don't have control over anything.  Don't confuse control with complete control.

Melissa

I had control over myself.
I forced the real me to hid deep inside. A secret that I even forgot.
I have controlled me feeling push them deep inside. I came to the place were I could not feel.
I became my own almost soulless robot.   
What all this control did was not good. Was destructive. Was dishonest. Was self hatred.
It didn't help me or anyone else.
I can not control others my surroundings the future or the world. So what good is control?
I given up any control that I though I had.
Jillieann

Quote from: Jillieann on September 01, 2006, 05:16:04 AM
I can not control others my surroundings the future or the world. So what good is control?

That is true, but you can influence their control, just as they can influence your control.

Melissa

Quote from: Chynna on August 31, 2006, 11:09:57 PM

Quote
Fate has but ONE variable,
the choice of sentient beings eg: HUMANS.

Kudos to you or whereever you got that one from ANNYWYN.

That's all on me.
Posted on: September 01, 2006, 09:42:07 AM

---

My view on life:
2% of life, is what HAPPENS to you.  The other 98% is all about how you react.
You can't control everything, but you can always control yourself.  Don't even try to convice yourself otherwise.

Well I dont know Alice,
Seems to me you have placed yourself in a position where you really have nowhere else to go but forward.  So in that sense you have relinquished your control of the situation.
However exactly how you go about becoming Alice is still under your control.   Dignity, grace and a sense of humour hun,  keep them and you will be OK 

Love Rana