Hey, well, I think I am 75% transsexual (not the cross gender), and 25% doubting it... The only reason I doubt it is if I can pass, since I don't want to be view as a guy dress in woman's clothing, and as a joke... then to realize I destroy my body trying to look like something that I never will look like. I been having these thoughts intensely for about a good year. [...] I still do the make up and wig thing in complete privacy, but not that often because people are always around, so every other month. I realize it's not something people wake up one day, and want to be, since it's a hard life...  When I was young I did the dresses, high heels, barbies, fashion, and I remember shaving my hair as well *eyebrows and arms* (around .  I then started repressing these actions all the way around 10-11, which made me eventually depress for the past 6 years. Really depress for the past 3 years. I view myself more as a girl than as a guy, in games (play as the girl character), my thoughts, music, books, movies, everything. Even in my dreams I see myself as a girl, as a normal looking one with blonde hair.

I never had friends as well, but I do remember I had a few girl friends, until we became teenagers (separated). Now all I think about if I was a woman instead, and I cried a few times, since I feel like I am trap in this body. I am a bit lucky, since I am 5'7 (I'm done growing, been like this for about two years), and have small hands and feet (size 8 and half sometimes 9). But my shoulders are wide (not really wide, but wider than the average girl; and they slope downwards), and my face is somewhat masculine but it's only masculine in places where I could fix like my nose and eyebrows. But it's not incredibly masculine.

I don't even know where to begin now... I am afraid to tell my family *only my mother and grandmother*(since they believe I am straight I really kept up a good front), surgeries, transitioning... I don't think I can do it until I am 20 or 21, since I need to save up money (at least $50,000 and possibly more) to do it right... I don't want to be view as man at all, if I do this, I have to erase the whole past. I am not looking for serious love either (I'm open to it, but I don't need it), but if it comes great....

Any suggestions/advice?   


^{edit - personal info}

Well, I came out to my mom at 14, then repressed it from there until about 21 and never mentioned it to another person. I had pretty much the same feelings as you did at the time and I was also lucky with a smaller figure. Anyways, I fell for a girl around 21 and eventually came out to her after about 5 months of dating. Her reaction surprised me with how supportive she was. From there I just slowly came out to everyone else. Now I am out to everyone and the only person with a problem really is my dad. If it wasn't for her I am sure I'd still be in the closet now. It sounds like you need someone you can trust and don't have anyone. Well the next best thing is probably a counselor of some sort.

My advice: The sooner the better. I ordered estrogen overseas at 18 but chickened out in taking it after a week or so every time. If I had done it then I wouldn't have to be getting electrolysis now and such. [...] if you can convince a therapist of your condition you stand a good chance of at least getting hormones sometime in the near future. I wish I had gone the therapist route at your age  since I had no one to trust either, but I was too scared at the time from previous bad experiences (being in inpatient facilities and such). From the sounds of it you won't have any trouble passing. I am getting FFS in December now at 22 and I think I'll have no problems passing at all after that.


^{edit - personal info from OP}

Yay, a young person!  Most of the young people on here are FtM, and I could use a respite from the teenage boyfest.

Something I mention is that whether you pass does not determine whether you are transsexual, although it may affect transitioning decisions.  Also, young people usually pass after hormones, even without the help of FFS.

It would be good to come out to your family soon, but you might want to wait until you're out of the house, especially when you're still figuring things out.  However, TS Roadmap has a fabulous article which is a list of things young people can do to start preparing for transition even before they tell anyone (voice training, saving up money, etc.).  Also, keep in mind that you don't have to have that $50000 or however much (probably less) up front when you start transitioning.  Counseling and hormones do not cost that much, and you'd have to wait a long while for surgery even if you had the money (the Standards of Care say a year of fulltime, and most therapists won't sign beforehand).

As for a counselor now: you may find it helpful, you may not.  I didn't have a counselor, and I think it would have been detrimental to me to have one.  However, counselors are really helpful for some people, so that's a decision you'll have to make on your own.  It may be based on money, since if you want your mother to pay you'll have to tell her you want counseling, which could be awkward and require either coming out or lying.

Okay, enough preachin' on my part.  Good luck!

I think that a counselor is a necessary thing.  If you can get the money, start therapy, it really helps.

I think it is best that you confide in friend.  It gives you moral support when you decide to talk to you family.

Also, I'm a yougin too!  I'm only 22 now!

Well I once started HRT years ago only to stop because I thought I would always be seen as male.  But  you know, give HRT  some time and magical things happen.  I was hum... mature( read over 50) when I started HRT.  So some one younger should be better, but the changes are due to genetics. 

I would second seeing a therapist. Always good to talk to someone openly about everything

take care

Beni

Quote from: Beni on April 15, 2009, 10:17:09 PM
Always good to talk to someone openly about everything

That is soooo true.  I go a lot of the time to therapy, and don't even bring up my gender issues.  I like to talk a lot about other things I'm having trouble with, or just get things off my chest.  It's really nice to be able to do that with someone.

Hi Paulina,

HRT can and does work wonders.  I am one of the ~cough~ older girls.  I started at 54, a year ago.  A year later I have a pretty face, although I hate my nose. 

I have been full time now for 6 months, and I love it.  Family wise I came out to my ex a year ago, and well you can tell by 'ex' what happened.

I have a great therapist, which you need to find one.  It is the first thing that you need to work on.  And be honest with them.  My therapist was a great help to me.  I am hoping to next have SRS, but it is a ways off, because of financial concerns.

"Blending" will come in time, it is the least of your issues.  But when you can find a good makeup artist that works with TS/CD clients.  It will help your confidence.

Janet

Thanks everyone for your advice! Well the only major fear I have truly, besides being passable, is if my mother will still love me as she had. That's it basically, and if I had a crystal ball, knowing that she would I would make up my mind and say this is what I need. The reason why I fear is because she's not a fan of gay people; especially transsexuals. I remember her thinking transsexuals are freaks (like a carnival, circus); I don't blame her either (I really can't since it's understandable because of society)... since I have that fear that I would be view as one.


I know that last paragraph is quite offensive, but I don't want to be viewed as a freak of nature, and lose her love. She's an awesome person, and I know she loves me a lot, but that is her worse nightmare (she never thought of it in me though). This might just be too much for her to handle. My grandmother the same way.

The rest of the family, besides them, I could care less really.
-------

Financially, I know that if I want this, and work hard enough for it I can achieve it. Just that 'if' with my mother and grandmother. But I also want to save enough money for college at the same time, and living expenses.

I can do this though, just more work for money, and more time management, more research as well.

In all honestly, the passing part (I really look at myself good today) will probably be nonexistant after I do the surgeries. But I still have that worry... since I don't want that drag queen look. I don't know how common that is, but the look from "Beautiful" Christina Aguilera music video.

Looking at your avatars, a lot of you are absolutely beautiful, and pass completely. If I could end up like that, than I would have no worry about the passing part. Beni, and I am shock that you are over 50, you look like 36-40, and beautifully natural looking. So coming from you that you would be worried, and then looking like that (completely beautiful), really raised my hopes. My genes are good for a female, since both sides are really curvy and feminine, and look young.

If the only thing holding you back is mother/grandmother then forget about them and do it.

a) you've been feeling this way almost all your life, it's not going to go away
b) if your mother rejects you because you're transsexual, how 'awesome' is she?

Honestly, most people do think of transsexuals as freakish/abnormal, until someone they know comes out, and then some of them still do.  But from the sounds of it, you'll pass spectacularly.  It's way better to start early, but at the same time it's never too late.

Vesper, you're right... I have to get enough strength and do it. That is the only thing holding me back... and I know that if I keep repressing it that I will end up with a life of regretting that I didn't done this. I wouldn't be downright depress, but I will always have that tired/sad feeling. I will never be 100% happy, but only 50% happy when I am happy. Then without a doubt I would have those downright depress moments lol.

Then when I am in 50's, I would probably consider it again to change, and then realize I lost half of my life never being happy. It's not bad doing it in my 50's, but that's like 30's years I lost when I could be happy. Realizing I made a huge mistake, and now I have to fix it.

And I could care less about what most people think (that's not holding me back), since I am not going to publically tell them. Even if they did know, I could care less, since it's my life (but I am not telling; just stating). The only time I will tell is if I am dating someone, and before a kiss, and I know this person is not in my social life at all and could harm me. And my future best friends (that I would need to know how they would react, and how long, strong our friendship is).

And thanks, you're point is absolutely right. This doesn't happen often, and so quickly, that I decide a major action in my life. I think I reach the point (99% there), after reading everything here, that I must do this. 

It's important to keep the big picture in mind -- earlier today I was 99.9% sure, and then I went to a party (in guy mode) with some friends, and then went out to eat with some people we met at the party.  It went pretty well, and when I got back home I just wasn't feeling so girly.  I put on my girl shoes when I got to my room, and for once they kinda seemed wrong.  I definitely didn't feel good at guy mode or anything, so I ended up just feeling dumpy in general.

I'm glad I helped you with your decision, but honestly  I'm just at the beginning of this myself... I'll hopefully be starting therapy soon, and despite how I felt tonight I'm 99% sure I'm going to start hormones ASAP.  I guess we just cross our fingers and hope for the best .

Oh I totally understand what you're saying, and I believe a lot of girls feel that way too. (I think this is what you mean). What is the point of wearing high heels, hairstyles, make up, fashion, and all these things when it could be much easier just looking like blah. Why be girly all the time, to impress the guy?

I said 1% because I am unsure about doing this, it's just that 24% was clear up because I should be who I am and not worry about my mother/grandmother on accepting me.

Well I never see myself as a guy (in my mind), but I do see myself andrognyous on some occasions, gender-less sometimes. But more and more that I accept myself I feel like a woman in my head coming out. It feels natural in my mind. I don't let these emotions, actions come to surface though (kind of hard to explain). In all reality if I let myself be true, I would probably be that gay guy with the hand flipping and the lisp (lol maybe not that extreme; but feminine for sure). People see me as a guy-guy, definitely masculine. I think it's because I am muscled. I also have facial hair, not a beard (that's because I don't want to look feminime, and because I just never done it). I also don't dress fashionably at all but normal (I don't want my family think I am gay). But I also look feminine basically besides the facial hair, muscled, and attitude which would make me pass like I describe earlier. Those things are fixable. But as I age, I definetely will look like a man, around 28-30 of no return in the future. I think. I am not sure how much a face shape and body bone structure could change (I am in good condition as of now). But I heard a lot of people say that the younger the better here.

I hope for the best for you! You're miles ahead of me lol, but at the starting line. I am in the process of sleeping for the race. I think you were feeling androgynous, in all honesty, since if you were feeling like a woman all the way till that occasion. I know I am being a bit "hypocritical" saying this since I said that passing is important for me, but it's not the shoes that make the woman but the mind. Don't need to dress womanly all the time to know that you're a woman. It's like when women take off their globs of make up, and go to sleep, they probably don't feel girly, but just there. There in the moment- knowing they are a woman subconciously.

And being a guy (outside) and wearing high heels, probably felt like, why am I even wearing these? But inside subconciously you probably felt like "I am woman but  I don't feel like wearing high heels right now". I am just guessing.

I get wishy washy sometimes -- I wasn't one of the ones who grew up thinking "I'm a girl" from a young age.  More, growing up as a 'guy' but not fitting in as a guy, and seeing how girls were and really envying them.  But I didn't know how possible it was to actually be able to switch until some months ago.  The more I embrace things though, the more my inner girl comes out -- when I get rid of the guy clothes, the way my body moves had changed, and not because I consciously try to, it just comes naturally.  There's probably a whole lot more that I've been subconsciously repressing in myself.

About the shoes... I was still mostly wearing guy clothes so that probably had something to do with it.  I'd been wearing girl clothes most of the past 4-5 days, but I didn't want to wear girl jeans to the party because my only clean pair was a bit obvious (I've worn some of my others in public and no one notices).

Face shape is the real killer as far as transition for us (and for me) is concerned, so if you can get on anti-androgens early that's really important and will save you tens of thousands of dollars.  The 15-25 years are when lots of testosterone stuff happens so if you can start blocking that ASAP its a good idea.

You're right.... I need to get some of that medication in me now. I am always thinking that this is my face shape, since it hasn't change for a while. I will look into that.

As of now my face shape is decent, some fixes like the nose and then my forehead. Maybe my lip too, since they are thin and without my mustache there is more skin in between my nose and upper lip. I have a heart shape/round face shape so it's similar to Madonna's jaw line. But then I am a little bit chubby so my cheeks look too big so I can't actually tell what's my jaw line and face shape but only through the bone (it's round). It's definetly not oval nor square. I don't need any hair surgery since it doesn't form an M shape and it is round. It looks like Shakira's hairline, and I think it's feminine enough.

I think the biggest worry is my shoulders, and hips, and my waist. Not my face, at least not now. I don't know how I could proportion that in the future, maybe as I progress it will all come together. I hope.

Yeah, I envy girls sometimes, but not really, more of an admiration. It's more like "I wish I were them", then "Why couldn't I be them! They are so lucky".

So do you think I was more girly in my childhood than you were?? (with the stuff I said earlier; make up, barbies, dresses)

Quote from: Paulina on April 16, 2009, 07:27:20 AM
Yeah, I envy girls sometimes, but not really, more of an admiration. It's more like "I wish I were them", then "Why couldn't I be them! They are so lucky".

That's what envy is .

Quote from: Paulina on April 16, 2009, 07:27:20 AM
So do you think I was more girly in my childhood than you were?? (with the stuff I said earlier; make up, barbies, dresses)

Definitely -- I'd never put on makeup until a couple weeks ago, and never worn girls clothes until several months ago.  But there were other things for me, from a young age.  It was kind of disconnected -- when I draw, I draw girls, when I write, I write about girls, when I play video games, I play girl characters (if possible).  I love clothes, I love jewelry (even got a chance to make some cool silver stuff a couple years ago, but I didn't make anything for me).  So I've always been sort of tied to these feminine things but I just didn't make the mental leap from "I like things that girls like" to "I feel like a girl even though I don't have a girl's body".

sweetie what the other girls here are saying is VERY true- you will be completely amazed at what hormones can do for you, especially if you start at a young age. They will change your shape, including that waistline. Check out Susan's wiki on the subject for more info:

https://www.susans.org/wiki/Hormone_replacement_therapy_(male-to-female)

If you are serious about this (and I don't doubt that you are), follow the path, get some counseling, when your therapist thinks you are ready you will get a referral for HRT, and then hang on for the ride of your life   Best wishes on your journey!

Thanks for the link, I read it over. That's intense, in a good way.

Yeah it seems that being young is really beneficial for this medication, especially for the long term effects.

Vesper I am like that as well lol, I could literally spend hours browsing through women's fashion. I also drew their faces a lot, since my mother used had a stack of 80's Cosmopolitan. I used to draw them, and then look at the advice, read through them all. My favorite model was Gia, she had a magazine of her on the cover.

I literally *do* spend hours browsing through women's fashion.  I have hundreds of bookmarks of clothes I would buy if I had more money.  I really like magazines like Vogue and Elle with all the fashion shots.  I used to search all of them for really good pictures of faces to make etchings from.  I haven't looked at one in a while though, they're pretty expensive and now you can get zillions of fashion picture for free on the internet .

Quote from: Vesper on April 16, 2009, 09:23:59 AM
I literally *do* spend hours browsing through women's fashion.  I have hundreds of bookmarks of clothes I would buy if I had more money.  I really like magazines like Vogue and Elle with all the fashion shots.  I used to search all of them for really good pictures of faces to make etchings from.  I haven't looked at one in a while though, they're pretty expensive and now you can get zillions of fashion picture for free on the internet .

Nylon Magazine.  OMG!

Don't expect your family to let you start hormones.  Before I came out and understood people's reactions better, I though I would probably be able to at least go on hormone blockers.  Wrong!  But you'll be able to start without parental consent very soon anyway, so don't worry about it.

Quote from: Vesper on April 16, 2009, 09:23:59 AM
I literally *do* spend hours browsing through women's fashion.  I have hundreds of bookmarks of clothes I would buy if I had more money.  I really like magazines like Vogue and Elle with all the fashion shots.  I used to search all of them for really good pictures of faces to make etchings from.  I haven't looked at one in a while though, they're pretty expensive and now you can get zillions of fashion picture for free on the internet .

I was reading Elle in French class today, and you could definately see the nipples of hte woman on the cover.  I don't mean you could see lumps below her shirt, I mean the nipples themselves; she might as well have been topless.  It was kind of funny, but ew!  Yeah, off topic, and unwanted, I know.