Wait, what? Isn't this supposed to be ...how do I know I am a transsexual??

Let's step back a minute and go back a bit...maybe a few years from when I first joined.

If I could count the times I've come and gone from Susan's I'd need to take off my shoes and socks because I'd certainly use all my fingers up in the count before even getting 1/2 way. I've been banned, fought with members, helped others, cried with a few and laughed with a few. I have posted some idiotic scary stuff, normal stuff, and some brilliant stuff as well.

I've shunned, ignored, and hurt  many members here (Kristi and Nero to name a couple) and managed to stay friends with a few more. In other words, I'm a bitch to most and really nice to others.

I went through an entire transition....only it was not mine. It was Kate's ...then she left. Now who's the bitch? The hours I spent.... I get a taste of my own medicine. I guess she gets the last laugh.

So long Tink.....sigh.

None of that makes me a transsexual. The fact I hang out at Susan's doesn't either.

From the age of 6, I have bounced in and out of a fog bank that was femininity. I was born with male parts. Male genes, male this, male that...raised as a boy.

In and out, back and forth, and undecided. I have been on and off HRT at least 5 times. My chest bounces when I jump and I look like some weird freaky clone that is not done baking in one of those action thriller movies.

I would have told you as I stuck a needle into my ass and pushed the plunger down injecting estrogen I am not TS. As I swallowed the pills, applied the patches, put on the sports bra to conceal my breasts, refused to take off my shoes in public because my nails were painted,  wore long sleeve shirts to hide my girly hairless arms, I would have argued and fought to my last breath I was not one of "those" people. There is no way in hell I'm a TS.

Boy was I wrong. I wonder how many times I have purged in life....lets see....4x's. I mean major purges. You know where you get rid of every girly thing, join the Army and be a man? Or get married? How about get a motorcycle and ride like an insane a-hole proving how macho you are? Buy guns, shoot deer, drink liquor and go out looking for chicks and pretend you are having guy fun.

Then there are other types of purges....like where I stop taking HRT. Ya know..go for a few months, see the therapist get the prescriptions refilled, take them...then stop because well ...it just isn't going to work. I'm too fat, too ugly, too manly, too tall, too big.

Excuse after excuse. That didn't make me TS either. Being diagnosed by three different Gender Doctors and seeing a Gyno and an endocrinologist and getting prescribed HRT didn't either. Because even after all of those things I still doubted I was.

I doubted I was even though I know as a child I would sneak girl clothes into my room and wear them at night. I would shoplift at the local supermarket and steal makeup at 10 years of age. I moved out and would make excuses to buy lingerie and always say it was for my girlfriend. I've been through more shoes than most GG's I know. Really cute ones too....

None of that made me a TS either.

I'm on so much estrogen right now an Elephant would have boobs. I'm torn and ripped inside between the easy path of staying male and doing what I'm supposed to be doing. I have drugs prescribed to me that lower my T levels yet I refuse to take them for whatever reason.

My closet is full of girls clothes and shoes. I have a purse and makeup. My dresser has a drawer dedicated to panties and sports bras. I have prescriptions for HRT. I have a gyno. I have had 2 previous GID therapists confirm my Transsexuality. My current one agrees. My spouse will only concur there is no other diagnosis that will fit me. I've been like this since I was 6. I've always wanted to be the girl I felt I was inside. I love having boobs. I love my shots.

But I'm not a TS.


I'm tired of running. I give up. I need help. I am TS.

There is nowhere for me to escape anymore. I have to face it and I don't want to do it alone.

Hi there Lori,

This sounds like something I would have written a year ago before I started HRT. I am so glad you are finally finding your path Lori.



Alice

^*Hug*

Wow, I remember you two.....



HI 

Self discovery is so very important for us all.  Now that you are beginning to accept, if not have completely accepted your transsexualism, what do you want to do about it?  Does it affect your life goals?  What in your life will you change as a result of this discovery?  I'm not advocating transition (obviously it wasn't my choice), but I AM advocating action - careful, planned, definitive action.  Let this time of self acceptance motivate you to action so that you don't go back into denial.

Obviously you need ways to cope and people to talk openly with, and that is what we are here for.

Quote from: interalia on April 21, 2009, 09:54:37 PM
Self discovery is so very important for us all.  Now that you are beginning to accept, if not have completely accepted your transsexualism, what do you want to do about it?  Does it affect your life goals?  What in your life will you change as a result of this discovery?  I'm not advocating transition (obviously it wasn't my choice), but I AM advocating action - careful, planned, definitive action.  Let this time of self acceptance motivate you to action so that you don't go back into denial.

Obviously you need ways to cope and people to talk openly with, and that is what we are here for.

Perhaps you could discuss not transitioning? I don't see any other way. It certainly is not a choice. I'd love to hear of a choice that did not involve that. I've tried everything but....there is no other way.

Quote from: Lori on April 21, 2009, 09:58:04 PM
Perhaps you could discuss not transitioning? I don't see any other way. It certainly is not a choice. I'd love to hear of a choice that did not involve that. I've tried everything but....there is no other way.

Transition might be the right answer for you in the end.  It will be something you have to determine for yourself of course.  As for me, I have chosen not to transition. 

I think it important to make mention that I do not believe GID, transsexualism, etc is a choice, but I do believe we can have choices with regard to how we cope.  For some, transition is necessary to prevent worse consequences, for others, like myself, we seek ways to cope without complete transition.

Here are some of my specific coping techniques.  (And I apologize to any members who have seen these before, but for convenience sake I will repost them here.)

1) I have found out what specific triggers there are for my GID, and using learning-behavior techniques, have taught myself to no longer associate those stimuli with GID thoughts, but with more neutral ones.

2) I have done my best to focus on the things in my life that I have, rather than the things in my life I don't have.

3) I have learned that depression and other negative mental states provoke my GID and the GID persists long after the depressive stimulus is removed. Thus, I do my best to control and prevent depression and drama in my life.

4) I have learned never, never, never to pretend my GID doesn't exist. Doing so, even in periods where it is not bothering me as much, always stimulates the return of symptoms and they are normally far worse.

5) This goes along with #4, but I don't try to be anything I'm not. I stopped playing "roles" for other people. The roles invariably caused me difficulty as I often tried to appear as "masculine" as I could muster.

6) I am open with others about my condition. Being open with others allows for greater authenticity in the relationship and less tendency to want to meet their expectations of me as a male.

7) I have several very close friends (including my wife) with whom I can speak to at any time when I start to feel the symptoms come on. They all know me and my struggles and are there when needed - fortunately I'm relying on them less and less.

I think of all that I'd lose if I were to transition again and the pain it would bring about.

9) I present myself more androgynously in that I don't try to dress stereotypically for my sex - this prevents me from going into a role that is not conducive with my inner self.

I hope this helps.  I would be willing to talk to you more should you choose.  This is a big time in your life, so I look forward to seeing your progress, whatever you decide to do.

For me, transition IS the answer.  And the WPATH SOC, says the same thing.  I fought for 55 years, and one can not go on fighting.  If you are fight your GID then you need to understand that you will transition sometime.

And I trying all of the same things that Interalia, and I will tell you it does not work.  I was in mental pain for all that time.  IF you think it will work, try it but IMHO you will be back.

Janet

Quote from: Janet Lynn on April 21, 2009, 10:39:04 PM
For me, transition IS the answer.  And the WPATH SOC, says the same thing.  I fought for 55 years, and one can not go on fighting.  If you are fight your GID then you need to understand that you will transition sometime.

And I trying all of the same things that Interalia, and I will tell you it does not work.  I was in mental pain for all that time.  IF you think it will work, try it but IMHO you will be back.

Janet

I'm sorry that the techniques did not work for you, Janet, and that you continued to deal with overwhelming pain - but to date the techniques have worked for me and I anticipate I will learn more as time goes on.  I guess Lori will have to make the decision for herself.  If she wants to transition, there are PLENTY of resources available to her, and plenty of people here to advocate and validate that choice.  Perhaps it is for the best for Lori, but only she knows.  I only present an alternative - it is not easy (neither is transition), but for some, it is worth it.

Quote from: interalia on April 21, 2009, 11:08:04 PM
I'm sorry that the techniques did not work for you, Janet, and that you continued to deal with overwhelming pain - but to date the techniques have worked for me and I anticipate I will learn more as time goes on.  I guess Lori will have to make the decision for herself.  If she wants to transition, there are PLENTY of resources available to her, and plenty of people here to advocate and validate that choice.  Perhaps it is for the best for Lori, but only she knows.  I only present an alternative - it is not easy (neither is transition), but for some, it is worth it.

Blessings on you as you walk the path you feel is for you.

I spent ten years following that road too, out of love for family, and I did okay for awhile. Long enough to be there for my kids through most of their childhoods, and long enough to grow strong enough to survive the final transformation. I struggled two years probably past the point where I should have started transition, but in the end I got to where I needed to be.

We are all different, we all have a different path, and only we and we alone can choose the path that we follow -- no one else has the right or ability to make that decision for us.

Meanwhile, I think it's important to be supportive of each other regardless. We need each other, whatever road we happen to be on. Glad to see that support here.

The thing is, Interalia, I am not in mental pain or anguish anymore.  Transition has been a godsend for me.  I could not be happier.  But to each their own.  As it is said "If you find something that can work for you other than transition ,Do it."

I really hope you are happy with your choice, for it is yours and yours alone to make.  As for me, I was never meant to be male.

Blessed Be Interalia.  Blessed Be.
Janet

Quote from: Janet Lynn on April 21, 2009, 11:25:48 PM
The thing is, Interalia, I am not in mental pain or anguish anymore.  Transition has been a godsend for me.  I could not be happier.  But to each their own.  As it is said "If you find something that can work for you other than transition ,Do it."

I really hope you are happy with your choice, for it is yours and yours alone to make.  As for me, I was never meant to be male.

Blessed Be Interalia.  Blessed Be.
Janet

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to imply you were still in pain, only that the pain of your GID persisted despite trying to cope with it without transition - which resulted in your transition.  I'm glad you have found your peace now.

Lori, I kind of know where you're coming from. For so many years I was like... Yeah, I want to be a woman, I should have been born a woman... but I'm not one of those transsexual freaks! Uh-uh! No way! Not me! This sort of thing ain't my bag, baby!

Yeah right. Methinks the lady doth protest too much.

Although I didn't wear women's clothing (with a few exceptions) and didn't go anywhere near hormones until I'd acknowledged I was trans. Coming out to myself is what started the ball rolling. For all that I can recognize your thought process in myself, the sequence of events went differently. To go to those lengths while still in denial... well... it goes to show how terrifyingly strong can be the power of denial. Jeez.

Quote from: interalia on April 21, 2009, 10:11:40 PM
1) I have found out what specific triggers there are for my GID, and using learning-behavior techniques, have taught myself to no longer associate those stimuli with GID thoughts, but with more neutral ones.

I had two specific triggers for GID: 1. Existing. 2. Breathing.

Quote2) I have done my best to focus on the things in my life that I have, rather than the things in my life I don't have.

I focused on what I had all right: RAGING dysphoria.

Quote3) I have learned that depression and other negative mental states provoke my GID and the GID persists long after the depressive stimulus is removed. Thus, I do my best to control and prevent depression and drama in my life.

I learned that GID is what caused my bleepin' depression and drama. So I struck at the root of the problem.

Quote4) I have learned never, never, never to pretend my GID doesn't exist. Doing so, even in periods where it is not bothering me as much, always stimulates the return of symptoms and they are normally far worse.

Hey, don't knock it, I spent several decades pretending it didn't exist. Until one day I just couldn't any more. Then it was all over for me.

Quote5) This goes along with #4, but I don't try to be anything I'm not. I stopped playing "roles" for other people. The roles invariably caused me difficulty as I often tried to appear as "masculine" as I could muster.

I never bothered trying to appear masculine. So people thought I was weird. At least I stopped getting beaten up for it when I graduated from high school.

Quote6) I am open with others about my condition. Being open with others allows for greater authenticity in the relationship and less tendency to want to meet their expectations of me as a male.

Heh, I tried that, and for years people kept giving me "helpful" advice to become more masculine. Which invariably drove me into deep depression.

Quote7) I have several very close friends (including my wife) with whom I can speak to at any time when I start to feel the symptoms come on. They all know me and my struggles and are there when needed - fortunately I'm relying on them less and less.

I had no friends until I came out... then I made all my friends as a woman. Now I have tons of friends. As a woman.

Quote I think of all that I'd lose if I were to transition again and the pain it would bring about.

I could think of nothing but how much I would gain by transitioning. Like my life itself. And the relief from pain it would bring me. As it was, I had nothing to lose but suicidal depression.

Quote9) I present myself more androgynously in that I don't try to dress stereotypically for my sex - this prevents me from going into a role that is not conducive with my inner self.

Tried androgyny-- found that it is not conducive with my inner self (whatever you meant by that phrase). I don't give a toss for stereotypes, or what people judge to be stereotypes-- so it turned out that being a feminine woman is my inner self.

Thanks so much for your advice, interalia. It makes a reliable guide for my life-- by taking the contrary of everything you said. Have a nice day.

Quote from: Hypatia on April 21, 2009, 11:33:38 PM
Thanks so much for your advice, interalia. It makes a reliable guide for my life-- by taking the contrary of everything you said. Have a nice day.

Making a difference, one person at a time!

Dear Lori,

Welcome back.

The key is, just maybe, not being TS but being willing to be one's self in every way that's possible. If that means transitioning, then so be it. If it means not transitioning then so be that.

Every transition is always part of a larger journey: growing into who one is, moment by moment, day by day.

Nichole

You can hide from yourself but you can never escape.

Quote from: Hypatia on April 21, 2009, 11:33:38 PM
Lori, I kind of know where you're coming from. For so many years I was like... Yeah, I want to be a woman, I should have been born a woman... but I'm not one of those transsexual freaks! Uh-uh! No way! Not me! This sort of thing ain't my bag, baby!

Yeah right. Methinks the lady doth protest too much.

Although I didn't wear women's clothing (with a few exceptions) and didn't go anywhere near hormones until I'd acknowledged I was trans. Coming out to myself is what started the ball rolling. For all that I can recognize your thought process in myself, the sequence of events went differently. To go to those lengths while still in denial... well... it goes to show how terrifyingly strong can be the power of denial. Jeez.

I had two specific triggers for GID: 1. Existing. 2. Breathing.

I focused on what I had all right: RAGING dysphoria.

I learned that GID is what caused my bleepin' depression and drama. So I struck at the root of the problem.

Hey, don't knock it, I spent several decades pretending it didn't exist. Until one day I just couldn't any more. Then it was all over for me.

I never bothered trying to appear masculine. So people thought I was weird. At least I stopped getting beaten up for it when I graduated from high school.

Heh, I tried that, and for years people kept giving me "helpful" advice to become more masculine. Which invariably drove me into deep depression.

I had no friends until I came out... then I made all my friends as a woman. Now I have tons of friends. As a woman.

I could think of nothing but how much I would gain by transitioning. Like my life itself. And the relief from pain it would bring me. As it was, I had nothing to lose but suicidal depression.

Tried androgyny-- found that it is not conducive with my inner self (whatever you meant by that phrase). I don't give a toss for stereotypes, or what people judge to be stereotypes-- so it turned out that being a feminine woman is my inner self.

Thanks so much for your advice, interalia. It makes a reliable guide for my life-- by taking the contrary of everything you said. Have a nice day.

Have to say I really relate to all what you are saying apart maybe for the androgyny part. I like being externally androgynous for some reason - maybe it's comfortable, maybe it's denial, maybe it's a compromise, maybe it's just me. Who knows, and at the end of the day it really doesn't matter

We put too much weight into a word.
We shush people for using some words because they're "bad" for a set of almost arbitrary reasons.
We avoid words in the name of being politically correct because, somehow, if we use words that haven't been used in as negative a manner we're somehow less bigoted, less aggressive, less cruel, regardless of what goes on behind the words.

But what is "really" so bad about the word "Transsexual"?

And does it matter whether the word applies or not as long as you're true to yourself?

It is always easy to keep one's head down and move with the herd. Close one's eyes and allow others to make the choices for us. But sometimes we need to raise our heads and open our eyes before we realize that we've been led our whole lives and have nothing to show for it.
The choice right now isn't whether or not to transition, that can come later. The choice right now is whether or not you'll take responsibility for your own actions. Whether or not you'll hold your head up high and be "you", and not just another brick in the wall.

*hugs* Whatever path you walk, whatever you do, whether transitioning is a part of it or not, make sure it is you who chooses it, you who does it, and you who lives your life.

Quote from: Miniar on April 22, 2009, 08:07:19 AM
But what is "really" so bad about the word "Transsexual"?

It has *SEX* in the middle of it, and that stands out like a flare. You have to understand the peculiar American mentality: To Americans, *SEX* is naughty, *SEX* is taboo, and it follows that *SEX* is always fascinating and irrestistible. Unlike in Europe where sex is just another part of life, for Americans *SEX* always distracts and gives people a chance to go tsk-tsk and point fingers at anyone who's tagged with the scarlet letters of *S*E*X*!

Quote from: Hypatia on April 22, 2009, 11:00:31 AM
It has *SEX* in the middle of it, and that stands out like a flare. You have to understand the peculiar American mentality: To Americans, *SEX* is naughty, *SEX* is taboo, and it follows that *SEX* is always fascinating and irrestistible. Unlike in Europe where sex is just another part of life, for Americans *SEX* always distracts and gives people a chance to go tsk-tsk and point fingers at anyone who's tagged with the scarlet letters of *S*E*X*!

True, but if one thinks about it Transexual is perhaps a more correct term than Transgender, that is assuming we take gender as a constant... N'est-ce pas?