While driving to work today I felt more waves of happiness flow through me when I realized, once again, I'm really going to transition. I have never in my life felt this much happiness! And there seems no end to it. Not that I want it to end, I just am overwhelmed with joy and I'm not used to feeling like this.

Then I thought back, less than a year ago, when I heard myself often say, "Lord, please take me." I had lost so many people in my life. Only my daughter remained but even that was conditional. I tried to undo telling my family I was TS but even when I announced it was a silly mistake nothing changed. Within a few short months I was living alone. I saw no chance of happiness. "Lord, please take me."

I had convinced myself I couldn't transition. My voice is too deep. My frame is too masculine. I'll never learn the mannerisms. I'll never become a woman. etc, etc. I did a pretty good sell job on myself. But I stayed on HRT because I knew I'd crash if I didn't. My breasts grew. My skin became softer. Body hair diminished. Scalp hair filled in. Getting dressed to go out was easier. Then I began to dress en femme more often. It became second nature. Things were falling into place.

When I recently saw pictures taken two years apart it hit me like a ton of bricks! I was very different and that was just from HRT. At that moment I could, for the first time in my life, actually picture myself transitioning. I could see myself, the real thing, not some imagined picture, going out in public and being perfectly happy being me.

I write this because I know there are others now where I was back then, hopeless. But I've gone from not caring about life to anxiously looking forward to the future. What a difference faith makes.

"Lord, you'll have to wait for a while. I have a lot of living to do."

Julie, what a wonderful story. I know I have been down the same street. I didn't tell anyone ahead of time though, but I sure didn't look like any woman I ever knew. By the time I had some estrogen in my body for a while I started looking different and feeling different, I think the feeling was the most important part. I started feeling good about myself and started going out more and more and was very confident. Still kind of apprehensive of what goes with what. I do get it after about 15 minutes of looking and trying things on. Getting off track like usual. I was a big guy, big for a guy even. I was very muscular and my hands are very large. I'm taken for a woman now and no one even notices the little things anymore, not even me. So what if I wear a size 15 ring and when I'm bloated a little I can't get it off. Lord, thank you for giving me the confidence to succeed.
Sheila

Thank you for sharing Julie. And I am so happy for you.
And for your post too Sheila.
It has encouraged me and I'm sure it will encourage others too.

Jillieann

Thanks Julie,

I needed to hear that happiness can follow. My friend has told me that happiness will follow one the thing between my ears is OK. I have been wondering for a little while if I will ever see hapiness again. There is so much bad stuff happening within my life at the moment I need to know that happiness can follow.

Alice

Thank you very much for sharing your story, Julie.  You brought tears to my eyes because at one point in my life, I also felt hopeless and imprisoned in my own body.
I can perfectly understand the frustration and desperation you must have felt when you thought you were not going to be able to transition; but you see, everything fell into place, and things have become routine right now (I  know the feeling as well and it is wonderful).


Yes, our lord will have to wait for a while because we all have a new life to live.

tinkerbell

Julie Marie,


While reading your post, the little voice in my head keeps saying, "see you are not alone!  You are not even the first!"

Thank you so very much!

Laura

Julie, you are an inspiration to all!  I hope you never sell yourself short again, you are a beautiful woman!
You've made your own happiness, that's something that so many people never accomplish in their entire life, but you've managed it in the span of a few years.  My sincerest congrats!

You're right, Julie.  It does take some time.  I cringed over some pictures taken of me only 8 years ago.  I kept one and threw the rest away. 

You look lovely ... and happy.

Robyn

Quote from: Alice on August 01, 2006, 08:23:19 PM
I needed to hear that happiness can follow. My friend has told me that happiness will follow one the thing between my ears is OK. I have been wondering for a little while if I will ever see hapiness again. There is so much bad stuff happening within my life at the moment I need to know that happiness can follow.

Ya know, sometimes I think happiness is *always* trying to reach us, and it's we who avoid it in fear, doubt, denial, etc. If only we could just stop running, lower our defenses, and LET it take us...

NICE......Very NICE

"Lord, Please Take Me"

I seem to say that phrase a lot thanks for the moment of inspiration Mrs. Julie Marie.

However I like to say:  "Lord, When your ready so I am boo!"

Thanks indeed gyrl

Chynna White

Quote from: Chynna on August 02, 2006, 12:29:14 PM
NICE......Very NICE

"Lord, Please Take Me"

I seem to say that phrase a lot thanks for the moment of inspiration Ms. Julie Marie.

However I like to say:  "Lord, When your ready so I am boo!"

Thanks indeed gyrl

Chynna White

I will be ready when she needs me to leave this life. When she can no longer bear another day without me by her side. But until then I will, for the first time in my life, look forward to every second I have left on this earth.  Transitioning has given me a new lease on life.

Well spoken ......"Not your typical gyrl indeed!"

I think it ticks god off when you don't appreciate the simple things and gifts hes blessed you with such as life!! Not saying I have a death wish just that a gyrl as her travel bag ready when she comes by and blows the horn for me to join her!

Chynna

Quote from: Chynna on August 03, 2006, 04:49:39 PM
Well spoken ......"Not your typical gyrl indeed!"

I think it ticks god off when you don't appreciate the simple things and gifts hes blessed you with such as life!! Not saying I have a death wish just that a gyrl as her travel bag ready when she comes by and blows the horn for me to join her!

Chynna

funny    

Julie:
  amazing Isn't it  that we can't see our potential when we are in the middle of the struggle, yet as time goes by ...we can see that by showing up (dressed up with makeup and hand bag )  God was meeting us also.

Kate:    How true: *always* trying to reach us, acceptance of what we are is the royal road.    there is a quality to this journey when done with faith as opossed when done to spite society.
  is late, good night ... or good morning whatever  night girlz
sheila18