So, I wanna come out but I've got this whole situation.  Everybody's got a whole situation, right?

I'm living with my brother in a town about 200kms from my hometown, and making rent mostly on student loans and groceries off of my mother.  I have a girlfriend, and we're both distant like we're hiding something though I have no idea what she's hiding, and she seems to have an indication that my secret's a feminine one.  I've got a group of stoner, classic metal friends who are all guys in a very identifiable way, who even though I think if I came out they'd act on my side, they'd probably say some stuff about me behind my back.  I have another group of friends that are all nerdy types, and some of them are totally gay or bisexual, and they're all cool and awesome people imo.  I have this one friend, a girl, in the nerd group who I'm completely open with, but my time with her is limited because of the social taboos against hanging out with your friend's girlfriend when he's not around.

I really wanna come out, because my head's just been exploding with thoughts lately:  I'll never be able to help the world until I help myself; I'm not my own person, I'm just acting out the desires of others and I'll never be able to accomplish anything until I act autonomously; images of women on tv and magazines and stuff, and even seeing the real deal causes more jealousy than attraction lately, so on and so forth.  But I'm so afraid that I recently bought a pair of used girl's jeans at a second hand store and almost had a heart attack I felt so guilty, and I've been trying to work up the courage to get some panties and I just can't get the courage to go into an actual retailer.  Obviously I'm not ready.

So... that's where I stand.

Hi Jester.  You've already started if you are completely open with your friend's friend.  Perhaps a counselor at school would be able to help, too.

For me, it helped me to do a lot of preparation before coming out to friends.  I would find a quiet place where I could think, and slowly work through things.  Then I would try to defuse the sting of insults in my mind: I am transgendered.  I am queer.  I am [insert the worst you can think of here].  Over and over until most of the sting was gone.  Then I had to decide whether I could accept scorn and rejection.  And so forth.  It's a long process, but actively working on it helped relieve the bottleneck inside my head that made me feel like I was going to explode.  I  don't know if this kind of thing will help you but you might try it.  If it starts making you feel like your going even crazier, stop and try something else.

I'm a great believer in the benefits of counseling.  And support groups.  See if you can find somethig available in your area.

The time of going to school is difficult enough without worrying about your gender issues, so you have it tougher.  Try not to be too hard on yourself.  This is a problem with many solutions that you will gradually work out.

*hugs*
- Kate

Thanks guys.

I'm actually in the age group where normal guys sometimes wear girl's jeans, but I dunno, when I go to do stuff like that I feel weird.

Though, yesterday I was at a department store on the other side of town and was able to buy some dainties.  I'm gonna try and recall my thought process that made me able to do it it, "Don't be such a pansie, you know this is what you want.  You know in your heart that it's right, and that expressing yourself in this way is the only way you'll ever be able to be functional in society.  So don't worry what that clerk thinks, because you know the facts," and then the clerk was totally nice, and made pleasant small talk with me.  I was expected her to, at best, act ignorant to the situation.  It was really uplifting.

But a store clerk isn't my parents or my girlfriend...

When I was struggling with all this, I read a book for gays on how to come out.  (There's no book for TGs that I know of.)  One thing that always stuck with me was: Control the process.  Do not do things that will make others out you before you're ready, because then you aren't controlling it anymore.

Probably a better way to put it would be: Take control of the process.  Tell those you want to.  Be upfront with salespeople when appropriate.  (And you deterimine when it is appropriate.)  Don't let a friend "discover" it - tell the friend when you are ready.  Take control of the process.

Now that I've added my two cents, I will retire to the corner and sip my beer.

- Kate

Hmm... yeah.  Control is a thing I've been actually thinking about.  I totally agree.

It's funny, in high school I thought that if I didn't come out by the time I was 18, that there was no point for hormonal reasons.  Now I realize there's no way I could have dealt with this stuff straight out of school.  I'm not even really ready to deal with it now.

Hi Jester,
There's an old Chinese (Japanese?) saying: When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.  You will work on this as you are ready.  Don't rush.  Take care of yourself.  There's no deadline.  I hate to admit it, but I am 65 and have just this year started the process.  In some ways it would have been easier when I was younger, but I wasn't ready.  I had to get my head on straight, learn how to build a network of supportive friends, and be in a place (geographically and mentally) where I could do this.  And so far my transition has been remarkably smooth.

Everything you do now to make yourself stronger will help make it easier later.  Relax and enjoy the ride.

- Kate

Quote from: K8 on April 27, 2009, 06:58:35 AM
Hi Jester,
There's an old Chinese (Japanese?) saying: When the student is ready, the teacher will appear. 
- Kate

It's a Buddhist proverb. And I agree with the sentiment. Don't rush into anything at this point. Like Kate said, there's no deadline, or timetable. Transition is a "move at your own pace" kind of thing, in my view.

Whatever happens, I wish you good luck.

Angela

Jester,

I'm going through the same thing you are. I don't know how in God's name I'm gonna come out. I'm just a student. I have no cash flow. I live with my grandfather. VERY old-fashioned italian guy. If I come out, and something goes wrong, I'm screwed.  God, I wish there were an easy way to do this...

As for you though, with telling your parents, if they're not the old-fashioned type and are a bit more progressive, just assure them that this is who you are and have always been on the inside. It's nothing they did and nothing to feel ashamed of. And when telling them, speak with confidence so they know that you're serious about it and you're sure it's what you want. However, don't let confidence be your only friend. Heir on the side of caution. Hope that they will be fine with it, but don't expect it. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.

Despite the outlook being grim (it is for all of us), I'm sure you'll get through all of these coming trials and tribulations just fine. Best of luck!

Andrea

Hi Jester and Andrea,
It can be a slow process being sure of what you are is critical. I do not mean this in anyway condecendingly but we do go through periods of our lives when we are very unsure of our sexual orientation. I always considered myself female trapped in not too male shell.  I'm small and petite and was often treated as being a gay guy. I'm not.

While you face the future it is tempting to leap into something which may caused despair. Take your time. Your body changes have occured and E will make you more feminine. Todays generation seem to be far more accepting of  sex orientation. Unlike mine or Kate's.
Don't be afraid to explore, but safely; if you have problems in buying clothes I have several tips that I have posted before. You can pm me directly if you wish.
If you are at collage etc try to talk to a counselor. I have suggested before to plan ahead, write down how you want to proceed, what skills, both socially and financially do you need to achieve. Plan for them. Sadly walking into a surgical clinic and saying make me into a real hot babe (or dude) doesn't happen at the moment. But you can make things happen. Most of all be positive, if you find yourselves getting down and sad and weepy, seek medical attention. Many people on this site know depression. Be aware it can be tackled but it can lead to terrible consequences if not recognised.

Enjoy your life, even though it seems grim, we are here to help and support. If I had a son, or a daughter ( I don't, I'm totally sterile, even that was denied me )) who came out to me that they were TG, the first thing I would do is hug and kiss them, then go shopping and buy them a full wardrobe of what they wanted. Followed by a nice make over, then go to a really nice resturant as the gender they identify with. There are people out there who understand. Don't be frightened. Have good lives and be happy.

My Love

Cindy James                           

Jester and Andrea, I too am struggling in a fashion similar to you.  Occasionally I feel the need to go to the store and get something girly.  I am experiencing that need almost daily now, but I thought I could share some of my expierences with you.  On a side note, I am out to my wife, and to a good friend. 

On Friday I saw a woman with the most awesome nails, and was intensely jealous.  So, that night I went out to WalMart and bought some glue on fingernails, the brightest red fingernail polish I could find, and of course some polish remover.  The young girl at the register was very nice to me, and made small talk as I was paying.  She didnt seem judgmental in the least. I just removed them this morning, as I had to go out to do laundry.  But I had them on for 36 hours straight!  I love them, and wanted to keep them on all day yet today, but teh need to wash my clothes (including my girl stuff) was approaching the critical stage.

Check out my avatar, see those shoes?  Thats me in them.  I just had to have them.  I saw them in a store one day and the thought of them almost drove me insane until I tried them on and went home with them.  I just waited until the store was pretty quiet and sat down and tied tried them on.  I did it in like a half a second, and my heart was racing, but I did it.  I felt a bit guilty doing it, but I realized that I didnt know anyone in the store, and they didnt know me.  Again the sales lady was nice to me, and made sure that I had both a right and a left shoe.  That could have been embarrassing as I was in a Payless in a mall, but no one seemed to notice.

A couple of weeks ago, I discovered a need for a denim skirt.  I looked and looked and looked all over for a skirt but couldnt find one.  Then when I was in the mall waiting for a movie to start I wandered into JC Penneys, and they had a denim skirt, ON SALE!  I took 2 off the rack and folded them so that people couldnt see exactly what I had, and went to the Men's changing room.  I took my time trying on the skirts and to my surprise the smaller one fit.

I have many times shopped for lingerie.  That can be extremely embarrassing, but the salespeople will be extrememly helpful if you allow them to be.  Be up front with them, and explain what you need, and they will help.  In their job, they have seen it before, and they will see it again.

My point is this:  You have the same right to shop as any GG.  The only difference is in the way that other people see you.  So, if you dont care about how some strangers in a store might see you, then you can be empowered to do what your mind is begging.  You always have the power to just walk away, if at some point you lose your nerve.  But when you finally get what it is you are looking for, there is no feeling like it in the world!  So, you can be out for as long as it takes to get what you need, then go right back in.

As far as cash flow, there are alternatives to department stores in places such as Goodwill.  There is some good stuff there if you can get over the fact that someone else wore it first.  A good laundering should take care of that.  Additionally, a good girl friend who you are out to, might let you borrow some stuff like skirts or tops, if you are close to her size.  She might even agree to help you shop for some intimates, and act as your cover.  People generally assume that when a man and woman are together in the womans department he isnt there by choice.

Good luck, and remember that you are not weird, you arent crazy, and you are not alone.

Quote from: CindyJames on May 17, 2009, 03:34:46 AM
It can be a slow process being sure of what you are is critical.

I very much agree with Cindy James.  Part of life is discovering who (and what) you are, and gender issues are no different.  That's why it is so helpful to talk to others.  You can only make so much progress living inside your head.  Talk to a counselor.  Talk to a good friend.  Find a support group and talk to them.

I went to a huge motorcycle dealership near here to buy a women's fitted riding jacket.  The young woman wanted to see ID with my charge card and became nicely flustered when I showed her my drivers license with male name and a picture of me with a beard.  [My name change should be legal late this week, then I can get a new license.]  She remained professional, though, and finished the transaction and was polite and cordial the whole time.  In my lo-o-o-ong experience of buying women's clothes when dressed male, virtually all salespeople will be professional and polite and friendly.  Approach them with confidence and courtesy and you will be fine.

Good luck!  Each step will bring you closer to knowing who you are and what you really want.

- Kate

Kate's advice is accurate and true.  Like her, I've bought items WITH CONFIDENCE, and it never fails to be a positive experience.  I know, I know, this sounds corny, but it's true:

Your own attitude about your presentation will greatly influence how others react to you.

Go out there scared and nervous, and get ready for the B.S.  Go out there confident and poised, and only 3-5% of the people will smirk, laugh or say something stupid.  Often times, it's more like 1%.  Strange but true. 

Hold your head high, Hon!  Heck with 'em!  Be confident!

Hugs!