hello every I am new here.  I have trouble knowing if I actually have gender dysphoria or not.  I didn't always feel this way.  As a kid I was fine, but when I turned about 16 or so things started to change.  I thought I was just a crossdresser at first.  After about a year of partial crossdressing I knew that I had to have something more than just clothes.  I eventually realized that I had a strong desire to be a woman.  I have a lot of doubts of whether or not my feelings are actually real.  I never had acted feminine in anyway shape or form, so how could I possibly be a TS.  I also have Cerebral Palsy, so I always thought that I couldn't be have CP and be a TS at the same time.  When I think about being and living as Lauren, I get all smiley and happy.  Even if my life doesn't drastically change from what it is now, I feel better knowing that I have done the mundane everyday things as a woman.  I have always been a bit of a perfectionist too.  I think somehow my dysphoria has made my perfectionism worse and has made me develop OCD.  As an example this semester in college my GPA for my 4 classes is 3.58, but yet I am still not satisfied. 

I feel that in some way I am a TS fraud and that puts me into a depressive mood.  I don't know which part of myself to trust, the doubtful part, or the part that desires to be a girl.  I feel that I might end up making things harder for people who actually have a problem.  When I am done with this, I want to help others like me as well.  How can I do that if I am a sham?  anyway it's nice to finally come out in some form. 

Welcome to Susans, Lauren.

Congrats on your current semester at college.

That might actually be a great place to start.

Most colleges, does yours?, have fairly extensive counceling services.

While they might not be experienced in treating those with Gender Identity Disorder (GID for future ref), they probably can point you in the right direction.

Best of you luck to you in future. Believe its a good thing to be pursuing this matter sooner in life.

Mich'

Lauren,

Cerebral palsy in no way prevents you from being a transsexual woman. Diagnoses of "primary" and "secondary" transsexualism are kinda on the level of phrenology, or ... not really very rigorous or helpful ways to distinguish trans people, at least in terms of validating your perceptions and feelings about yourself. However, I do know several trans women who - like yourself - didn't consciously realize they were women until later in life (one of whom realized in her mid-20s, and who's living pretty happily post-transition now).

I suggest looking for a therapist who's experienced with trans people and trans issues to help you work through this. No one here can diagnose you, but it sounds like you're in a place where you need to be able to talk to someone. None of what you say really can mean that you aren't trans, but really, only you can decide to take action on your feelings.

Welcome, Lauren.

As the others have said, find someone to talk to.  You can start with a counselor who doesn't specialize in GID and decide later if you need a specialist.  I don't think it is important to classify yourself - TG, TS, primary, secondary, whatever.  You are who and what you are.  Once you discover who and what you are, you will be happier and can work on living in a way that completes you.

Good luck!

- Kate

Hello, Lauren,

Welcome to Susan's.

Please be sure to read the TOS and follow the rules at all times. There's also a lot of info available to members in our Reference Library and Wiki.

The Chatroom can be a great place to get to know others like you.

It's nice to have you part of our Forum and hope you continue to post and participate.

All that said, let me comment on your post.

Perhaps the first thing you should come to know is that "primary" and "secondary" were terms employed by Harry Benjamin when he was developing a taxonomy of transsexuality back in the 1950s. Dr. Benjamin passed away in 1986 at the ripe old age of 101.

His writing broke all sorts of ground in the study, mostly psychological, of transsexuals, and those we call today transgender. However, the world didn't come to an end and all study stop with Dr. Benjamin's death. Other people have carried that research forward and have discovered things that Dr. Benjamin never dreamed of knowing.

The terms are seldom if ever employed by professionals any longer. Ironically, the terms "primary" and "secondary" are mostly used today by some transsexuals and people who once called themselves transsexuals. The terms seem to be employed as a way of setting their users apart from anyone they don't deem worthy of being in the same groups as they are in. In other words, they seem to be a means of building self-esteem at the expense of others, and making some members of an exclusive club.

The trouble with that is that any self-esteem built that way tends not to be very solid and often appears to cause even more problems for both the users and those they use the terms against. The agenda overrides the sense in using the terms.

Just go with the notion that you are you. You are every bit as valid as anyone else. You matter and finding your comfort with who you are trumps any number of "terms."

Hope you stick around and find that you can transition, that you aren't less-than anyone else and that the things you feel about yourself are not just real, but possible, very possible, to realize.

The very best to you always,

Nichole