Quote from: Lori on May 24, 2009, 01:46:00 PM
I'm not sure where I gave the impression that I wanted her to be forced into accepting my transition. She really wants what is best for me.

I didn't mean to imply you were wanting to force your wife to accept you.  I was mearly stating a fact ... and probably, on some deeper level, voicing my concerns regarding my marriage.

I'm very sorry for your situation. If you do go away for your transition upon your return your children will figure things out. Children are very attent. If I were in a position where I must leave then return there would be no returning. My children would have a long distance relationship with their new Aunt. Probably things will work themselves out and everyone will be happier in the end. I wish you the best of luck.Hugs,Gen

I Have been reading and following this since you first posted.  And my heart breaks for you, Lori, and your family.

My ex knew me when I tried to transition before.  When we married she knew I was TS.  And even though she knew she never understood what it meant.  And it lead to so many fights that I lost count of the unhappy times.  And we stayed together because of finances.  No children, just the money.

It never got any better.  We finally came to the last fight and we separated in the same house.  We had 'Hall sex', if you understand that.  If not PM me and I will explain.  I don't wish to post it here.

But my point is that this will never go away, regardless of anything anyone will tell you.  She is hurt because she fell in love with a 'man', married a 'man', had children by the 'man'.  And now that 'man' is dying.  Not so much in a physical sense, but in a psychological sense.  You are still there, but you are not the same person she fell in love with.  When people change, people adapt.  But this is huge.  And she can not adapt.  She doesn't want to, period.  It is a last stand for her.  She is in survival mood.  And I do not blame her in the least bit.  She has every right to be pissed at you.  But you are not the sole reason.

But you did not choose this, any more than you would have chosen cancer.  It is just part of who you are.  It seems to me that she is using the 'dirty little secret' to avoid facing the troubles that may occur.  Your children will adapt very quickly to your transition and accept you, as long as you are there in their lives.  Your wife needs to keep that in mind when thinking of the kids.  The rest of the world that she is worried about can kiss off.  If she stood up for you, with you and by you, they will back off.

Things can and will change.  You and your family may face hard times, because of others.  But you can and will overcome them, together.  But if you just give up and leave, I will tell you in no uncertain terms, will be screwed without legal, really good legal advice.

Under no uncertain terms, leave and return as Aunt Lori.  The kids will hate you forever, if you can even get back into their lives.

I don't envy you or your family.  You face one of the hardest part of transitioning, in my mind.  You and your wife must come to terms in order to survive together.

I am sorry if I sound uncaring, unfeeling, rude, crude or just a plain Bi**h.  But you need to realize that you face something that will change your life, your wife's life and the children's life forever.

In another galaxy far far away,  I told my 2nd ex wife of my plans to transition.  She did not want my two boys around me and left the state.  I never knew where they were at, but my older son finally contacted me to find out why I was not in his life.  He hated me for not being there.  He is slowly excepting me NOW, as his 'other Mother'.  But he is still bitter about me not being there.  And we are still not close.  We chat in frequently.

My point, Don't just leave.  You and your children will regret it of the rest of your lives.  But you need to let Lori live.  And the best of luck my dear Sister, for all of you.

Just My Humble Opinion,
Janet

To Janet and all...

My wife and I are very civil to each other. We really don't fight and we never yell. Its very calm and serene. My son in his 4 short years has never heard us yell or fight. We talk about things. Especially over a few glasses of wine.

I know leaving is a bad idea and I won't do it. There is no hall sex. No sex period to be honest with you. We still hug a bit and maybe a peck here and there but its more like girlfriends would do or sisters. We hug as two girls would. Light, delicate and fast. My tits really hurt so that's why.

I think we both know we are screwed and want it to last as long as possible for the kids. A divorce would be bad and life changing. I want them all to be able to stay in the house. That means I need a place to live. That's free. I can't pay for both. I'm not sure whats going to happen or what we are going to do. I hope the HRT I am on is mercifully quick or takes a really long time. I hope i can last a while longer or turn into a female over night.

Neither of us wants to deal with it. Neither of us wants the hassle and expense. We know its not going away and our time is limited. We only have small hope that dealing with my other issues will somehow ease my GID or clear the road to transition without delay.

We don't know. Its going to be a long summer.

Quote from: Ladyrider on May 23, 2009, 06:28:58 PM
I don't want to seem rude but why on earth does the wife have to seek the help of a therapy to get her through this, she didn't ask for this.

-={LR}=-

I would not normally respond to this but it struck a cord. LR, we each have differing opinions and I respect yours and I will endeavor to explain why I suggested a Therapist. Most therapist, including mine who has worked in the field of ->-bleeped-<- since the early 1980's does not limit herself to T's only. She also specializes in family matters and that is the crux of what I was pointing out. A lot of T's include their spouses in therapy because the Therapist can see both sides and offer solutions to problems that you or the SO might not be able to see. That is what they are there for.

The SO for example going through say, Al-Anon is not at fault either but yet the organization is there to help the SO understand and get through what is not "their fault".

Every transition is different, while similar in aspects they are never totally the same. I am still with my spouse after two years and while it has not always been a bed of roses, we co-exist as friends. Is she the blame or the cause of this or was this her fault? No, but she still has a stake in it all and if she has enough love and information and understanding, then the outcome will be different than taking an I don't care, I want out attitude.

I've seen too many other transitions and normal divorces where the wife will use to the children to her advantage to get even. In this they are at fault. None of us ever asked to be born this way either, all we can do is arm ourselves with knowledge at that was the my point. Hugs

~Wendy~   

Quote from: Wendy C on May 26, 2009, 10:59:03 AM
I would not normally respond to this but it struck a cord. LR, we each have differing opinions and I respect yours and I will endeavor to explain why I suggested a Therapist. Most therapist, including mine who has worked in the field of ->-bleeped-<- since the early 1980's does not limit herself to T's only. She also specializes in family matters and that is the crux of what I was pointing out. A lot of T's include their spouses in therapy because the Therapist can see both sides and offer solutions to problems that you or the SO might not be able to see. That is what they are there for.

The SO for example going through say, Al-Anon is not at fault either but yet the organization is there to help the SO understand and get through what is not "their fault".

~Wendy~   

One thing I am grateful for is she has been to Therapy with me and she knows its not my fault, yet I may as well be dying. Maybe in a way I am?

No Hon, you aren't dying, it does hurt like hell to think about losing one you love but in another sense you are just starting to live your life as you feel you should. I haven't found much of transitioning that hasn't been painful in the area of relationships but what I have found is comfort in being who I am and that makes a lot of life's other major problems much easier to work through. I honestly do hope you and she can work these issues out and it does sound as if she is willing to try. Just never give up your child nor your rights as a parent. Children are very resilient, can and do adapt to a parent being TS. Several of the girls I know on the boards are raising their children where the wife has left and doing very well at it.

Hugs Lori, hang in there Hon.

~Wendy~ 

Quote from: Wendy C on May 27, 2009, 07:42:41 PM

No Hon, you aren't dying, it does hurt like hell to think about losing one you love but in another sense you are just starting to live your life as you feel you should. I haven't found much of transitioning that hasn't been painful in the area of relationships but what I have found is comfort in being who I am and that makes a lot of life's other major problems much easier to work through. I honestly do hope you and she can work these issues out and it does sound as if she is willing to try. Just never give up your child nor your rights as a parent. Children are very resilient, can and do adapt to a parent being TS. Several of the girls I know on the boards are raising their children where the wife has left and doing very well at it.

Hugs Lori, hang in there Hon.

~Wendy~

In a way Daddy is dying. Her husband is dying and she is supposed to be friends of this bitch that replaced her son's dad and her husband?

Maybe in her eyes it is easier if I died? Maybe it is some weird form of love.

You say I must find comfort in the fact I will be myself. Is it a leap of faith?

Therein lies the problem. I have no confidence in my diagnosis. I know I'm TS, I just don't believe I'm ts at heart. So without that faith, I cannot trust in the fact that if I let one thing go, something else (being myself) will replace that pain with joy. What if I'm wrong?

Quote from: LoriYou say I must find comfort in the fact I will be myself. Is it a leap of faith?

Yes... and no. I was talking to a good friend on the phone a few nights ago, one of those heart-to-heart conversations... the ones that always occur at 2am. I was trying to describe the feeling of knowing in my heart what path I must take, and yet grappling with the fear of the unknown. I said to her that Ive never before had to deal with anything in my life where there was a point of no return...

The it hit me out of the blue.... like the answer to the sound of one hand clapping. That statement was not true.... we all take that leap of faith, and you have too... its called being a parent, bringing a child into the world.

In my case, my wife and I spent years battling infertility including hormones (both of us) and surgery (me). We were both told it was hopeless. The marriage was already falling apart. I guess we both let our guard down.... bang! Was 3 1/2 weeks later (her cycle), morning after an awful day of fighting, morning after I decided to call it quits on the marriage. She told me she missed her period. Just so you understand... you could time the atomic clock in Boulder CO to her cycle. She was pregnant...

Imagine a failed marriage and a kid on the way... I never was so afraid, so conflicted... for me it was a one way path, abortion was out of the question. And up until the moment I held my son, I could not imagine this forever life changing event that took place...

But thats just the point. From the moment I picked up my son, literally, I was never afraid again. Never felt any of the gut wrenching emotions I felt up until that moment...

And so I now look on transitioning... same flood of emotions to deal with... same kinds of fears and doubts, but after thinking about what happened, how my son came into this world... I gotta believe that there is that same peace that comes over like a shaft of warm sunlight that bathes you on a cold morning. When all the "what ifs" and "what will I do" questions are done, when you push on ahead to your destination... yeah, I suppose its a leap of faith. But tell me, do you still wonder about parenthood?

Believe me, I'm not saying its all rainbows and butterflies. I still have a swirl of crap running through my head. But what I took away from that phone call, what I learned is that we do survive the journeys we take and the tests we struggle with.

I gotta believe it... otherwise, how would early man/women have ever left the safety of the caves to build a civilization we know today?

I cry when I hold my son. I'm so sad for him. I didn't want to be a Daddy. Mine hates me. I love my son, I just don't want him to hate me. I fear that.

I've been through more with my son than I care to think. He's been through more in his short life than many have in a lifetime. If it wasn't for Scottish Rite hospital he would not be walking today. He's had three surgeries and was in casts for years. He's only 4. I love him and I'm sad for him. Its not fair to turn his world upside down because I cannot be a little bit stronger and not contain myself.

I cry for his daddy, whom he absolutely loves and adores. I feel so cold to him at times and draw his little body to mine and draw his happiness and strength from him just to stop the flow of tears I get from looking into his eyes.

He has such pretty eyes. He's so innocent and sweet. He deserves a daddy. He's paid his dues, life should be kind to him. Will people hate him because he has no daddy or a trans daddy?

What about his friends at school? Teachers?