I am a female who has recently been described as androgynous.  I've always been a bit different, always a bit boyish in terms of interests and am not feminine with the way I dress.  I've never quite fitted in the box and I prefer the company of males as opposed to females.  This has never been a problem before, but the fact that I am androgynous was pointed out by a brief love interest and he upset me.  It's really made me feel unconfident with the way I look.  What doesn't help is that I have a hormone problem and features which add to me looking like a bloke.  I was made to feel alienated and now I'm recalling other peoples comments from years previous, which I have always dismissed as being throwaway comments but now I feel they have a point.  What does it all mean?  I've been single for 3 years almost, if I was confident enough and had great body then I feel that I could carry off the femininity thing and get them knocking at the door, but the truth is, I don't and I can't.

Please can anyone make any sense of it all?  Sorry to run on.

Only you can decide who you are. And once you have decided, don't imagine that your decision inhibits you from being involved with someone. I would say that because you believe you're not "carrying it off" then you don't feel as confident in yourself, which means that guys aren't as into you as they would be otherwise. Trust me on this one, it's much easier to love someone when they feel confident in everything.

With that being said, if you believe that you are female, then you are. That is no different than a guy with a body full of hair knowing that he is female inside, whereas you have only a little bit of difference. I guess my advice is: you can only be as free as you allow yourself to be. In life, limitations come from within the self.

Basically, what Kara said.

If you feel female, then you are female.  No one can change that.  Confidence is as important as looks also. 

I hope you figure it all out soon.  *hugs*

Hi tuesday25!

You're among friends here 

Hopefully you can find some answers. Many of us have had similar questions.

Hi

As others have said you are the gender you feel to be. If you feel female you are. Just because people make stupid comments doesn't change anything. Not every woman looks like a beach babe. And not every man looks like a beach stud (sadly  ) think it through. If you identify as female; but don't look good enough in your opinion, the only one that matters BTW, then get into some beauty therapy. If there are places that can make guys look like girls, then making a girl look girlish isn't a problem .

If you identify as a guy, then there are a heap of brothers on this site who can help.

Just be true to yourself.

LOve and Hugs
Cindy.

Androgyny isn't just an overlap of traits, but an important part of who you are. If you only think you may be androgynous because someone else described you as such, then you probably aren't.

From what you describe, you probably come accross as a bit gender queer i.e. you don't fit the mold. That does not mean you are not a woman if that is what you feel you are. Really all this just means you are uniquely you. The important part is to find an expression of self that fits you and you are comfortable with.

Being 'odd' is not a barrier to finding love at all. Unfortunately it sometimes makes other people feel like they need to fix you, it offends some or makes them uncomfortable. The messages we get from the world around us can grind you down, eat at your confidence, make you question what you are doing. It is tough, no doubt about it. Something to keep in mind is that the more solid you are in your core identity or self then the less these things will affect you. Self knowledge is important. I would suggest this might be a place to start exploring.

Now you might have some internal gender identity stuff that you need to resolve. My advice is to take your time, think about gender, what role you want to have, how you like to express yourself. Play around with these things, gather support, find other amicable queer people to hang out with. Don't discount that hormones can affect how you feel. It is ok to tell people that you need them to back off with the comments. Some people find seeing a gender therapist or counsellor really useful. I did. Best thing I ever did.

I find it significant that you said you can't and don't carry off femininity. Is this because it does not feel right? Most of us are here because what is required of us as our birth sex does not feel right and this is perfectly ok and something that is really quite normal in humans.

I would love to hear more from you.

See you around.
Nicki

If you have natural hormonal problems that are causing your androgyny, perhaps you should consider testing for an intersexed condition (check out their subforum.)

For women who are more tomboyish or boyish, it's rough. Men can be really wicked people. But at the same time, there are men (and women) out there who find attraction and interest in people who don't fit the mold, or have unique features. I myself, though MTF, find androgyny in women very attractive. These days, women are supposed to be these little waifish things with pixie features, and... simply put, not everyone is, and muscle tone is attractive.

Perhaps if you tell us more about yourself we can recommend either medical or aesthetic things to help you. In general, you should do what you want with your self expression - hair, clothing, etc. But maybe you're conveying something different than you think that you are.

Wow, thanks so much for the replies.

I feel female, but I'm just not feminine and I wear make up but I dress to how I feel comfortable in. 

The other night, I went out with some male friends, went to the loo, came back and they had obviously been talking about me.  I think they had mentioned something about me having a beard, the thing is that I have very little facial hair thanks to laser now but it still comes back, also the pigmentation around my chin is darker in tone (I'm indian).  One of them (who happens to be my housemate) got very embarrassed and changed the subject very quickly, and then took him to one corner and told him to behave himself.  I played the ignorance card and pretended that I didn't know what they were talking about, but it really made me feel like a freak and ruined the evening a little. 

I suffer with polycystic ovaries, but I am probably the extreme case, I suffer with all the symptoms, whereas many women only suffer with one or two things.  So because of body hair, I am limited to what I can wear and anything that's a little bit too showy makes me uncomfortable.

Anyway, all this being said, what it does boil down to is confidence, you're absolutely right.  I get it all the time - "You're such a nice girl, you'd make a lovely girlfriend, I'd go out with you if I wasn't married" but men never seem to be interested and when then are they are trying to cop off with my other female friends.  I find the whole trying to act girlie thing quite tedious when I'm out, because I start off well and then I start to behave like me after a couple of drinks and it all goes wrong.

I can NEVER find any women like me that I can hang about with, it's normally blokes and even some of them are a struggle because they can't quite work me out - where are all the gender queer women?


I hope this all makes sense and I haven't been babbling on.  :-(

Quote from: tuesday25 on June 20, 2009, 04:03:34 PM
I hope this all makes sense and I haven't been babbling on.  :-(

It makes perfect sense. One of my wife's friends asked that she not bring me to parties. Her husband complained I don't fit in with the guys. That's cause I was out in the kitchen talking with those who share my interests.

My ex-wife told our kids, she could never respect a man who carried a purse. She also thought my hips looked too big when I carried stuff in my pockets.

I'll never be one of the guys, but I have a wife who loves me after 21 years. She makes and handles the money, and the kitchen is mine. We are very close friends, though we do have occasional gender issues to work on. She makes the better mother, though I was able to sub when she was away on business (my youngest, when she graduated high school, included me in a party she gave for her "other" mothers).

With patience, awareness, being in the right place, and a little luck, you can find a partner who will let you be you. Hang in there, and hang out around here.

With a warm hand shake or hug, as you wish,
S