As FairyGirl says: whoa!  Don't worry about everythig at once.  If you build a house, do you just throw everything in together or do you do it a step at a time?

Let me tackle one of these:

Quote from: Chaos_Dagger on April 30, 2009, 06:23:24 AM
3. It's not exactly real, so what if it doesn't feel that way. (Outwardly I'm sure it's very real, but I'll always know I'm a fake as it were.)

I have no idea how much of a woman I will feel I am, but after pretending to be a man most of my life I think I will be far happier pretending to be a woman.  So far that has been the case.  And as I settle into this I am beginning to think that at some point I might actually feel that I am a woman and am no longer pretending.  But it is a long process.

Get counseling.  It doesn't have to be a gender specialist.  It may take a few tries to find someone you can work with, but it will really help you to be able to talk about all this with someone who is trained to separate the wheat from the chaff and call BS on you when appropriate.   You are scared because you are scared to face what you might find out about yourself.  As we face our fears and imperfections, we grow.  Get counseling.

It isn't like you are going to make an irreversable decision to be a completely different person tomorrow.  This takes time and a lot of work.  In the beginning I thought it was mostly the external stuff - clothes, surgery, etc.  But I've found that those things are almost incidental.  It is the internal journey that is so important.

Bon voyage!

- Kate

Quote from: K8 on May 09, 2009, 08:38:29 AMBut I've found that those things are almost incidental.  It is the internal journey that is so important.

Amen sister. If I concentrated solely on the physical aspects I would be depressed 24/7. That's definitely part of it, but so is keeping a good attitude about it and the idea that I can succeed at this if I just hang in there. It helps me immensely to realize, to know that this is exactly where I should be, and doing exactly what I should be doing. It took me a while of soul searching (and some therapy) to get there, but it is the main source of my belief that I can succeed and overcome whatever obstacles. That, and seeing the wonderful progress that others here have made.

Quote from: K8I have no idea how much of a woman I will feel I am, but after pretending to be a man most of my life I think I will be far happier pretending to be a woman.

I'm going to mentally file that one away for the next time some ass questions my purpose and validity! 

Quote from: Chaos_Dagger on April 30, 2009, 06:23:24 AM
  Good morning all.  My wife keeps telling me to post something, however what she doesn't seem to understand is that I can't do so with her watching.  I mean I know once I'm done she can find and read it, but I have an inability to type fluently and let myself out on screen with something sitting behind me.  Even if they aren't directly watching anyway.  I thought maybe I should post a list of my fears of transitioning from male to female, and get some of your thoughts on things.  So here they are:

1. What if I don't want it after it's done ([void] Okay so this is a stupid fear as I know for a fact in my heart that it's not truly a fear at all.  I'm sure it was at one point, but I know deep down I should be a woman, and nothing would make me happier[save my wife])

2. What if something goes wrong (It's surgery, it could happen)

3. It's not exactly real, so what if it doesn't feel that way. (Outwardly I'm sure it's very real, but I'll always know I'm a fake as it were.)

4. My wife (Yes she accepts me now[please read her{Phantom_heart} introduction] but still new ones pop up here and there, I don't want to run into the same issue I did with Savannah when it's too late and risk losing her.)

5.  Looks (Shallow? Yes, but honestly I hardly look like a woman, so even afterward I'm still going to have the same skeletal structure. Not really a dream come true, so am I even going to be passable?  I've seen a few MTFs on TV and they were all beautiful! It seems though that they started hormone therapy before/during puberty, plus they looked like a female before hand anway)

6.  My job (I would I explain this to my all male staff?  I'm sure my Assistant Manager would be understanding, however probably a bit put off by the idea.  The others I'm not so sure.  They fire people so easily where I work, what if the District or Regional Manager decide to just get rid of me, and say it's because my sales have suffered?  They don't like me anyway!  Then getting a new job, how would I explain that my name is Adrianna, but my references know me as Nick?)

7.   Friends (Luckily only one may be an issue, my other friend thought I was gay anyway so this won't be much of a leap... though he'll tease me forever!)

8.   Cost (the surgery alone is said to cost up to $37,000!  If it's not covered by OHIP I don't see it as financially feasible, or worth it.)

9.   Sex (I love it when I get it! It's obviously never going to feel the same, will I be satisfied after I change? I know my wife will, but I'm not so sure because of how I feel right now....)

I have entertained every one of these fears more than once. Sometimes 24x7. I even made fears up I was so obsessed.

In time, not one of them mattered. As the months and years rolled on those fears subsided because the drive to transition just grew stronger and stronger.

Pretty soon, I found I was just along for the ride, no longer in control or not at the helm. It is as if something or somebody else is control and all I can do is just keep my seat belt fastened and let things happen as they will. There isn't anything I can do about it. So while you can entertain your worst fears, if transition is in your future, those fears will be met and dealt with by another mindset that is not your current one. So have no fear.

A clinic not to far from me is having a Laser Hair Removal 50% off sale.  How permanent is it anyway? does anyone know? Transitioning or not I still hate hair.

Quote from: Adrianna on May 17, 2009, 07:19:43 PM
A clinic not to far from me is having a Laser Hair Removal 50% off sale.  How permanent is it anyway? does anyone know? Transitioning or not I still hate hair.

Sounds like a good deal. What area?

Not exactly sure what area is 50% off.  Just saw the sign advertising it! LOL.  Anyway I want all my hair gone... FOREVER... well except the stuff on my head and my eyebrows!

Quote from: Adrianna on May 17, 2009, 09:39:43 PM
Not exactly sure what area is 50% off.  Just saw the sign advertising it! LOL.  Anyway I want all my hair gone... FOREVER... well except the stuff on my head and my eyebrows!

Area as in Alaska? Russia? New York?

I'd like to know if I live in or NEAR the area that has the 50% off. I'm in Fort Worth Texas.

Quote from: Lori on May 17, 2009, 09:48:39 PM
Area as in Alaska? Russia? New York?

I'd like to know if I live in or NEAR the area that has the 50% off. I'm in Fort Worth Texas.

Ah, I see. Sadly you are no where near dear.  Oakville, Ontario, Canada.

Quote from: Adrianna on April 30, 2009, 06:23:24 AM
  Good morning all.  My wife keeps telling me to post something, however what she doesn't seem to understand is that I can't do so with her watching.  I mean I know once I'm done she can find and read it, but I have an inability to type fluently and let myself out on screen with something sitting behind me.  Even if they aren't directly watching anyway.  I thought maybe I should post a list of my fears of transitioning from male to female, and get some of your thoughts on things.  So here they are:

1. What if I don't want it after it's done ([void] Okay so this is a stupid fear as I know for a fact in my heart that it's not truly a fear at all.  I'm sure it was at one point, but I know deep down I should be a woman, and nothing would make me happier[save my wife])

2. What if something goes wrong (It's surgery, it could happen)

3. It's not exactly real, so what if it doesn't feel that way. (Outwardly I'm sure it's very real, but I'll always know I'm a fake as it were.)

4. My wife (Yes she accepts me now[please read her{Phantom_heart} introduction] but still new ones pop up here and there, I don't want to run into the same issue I did with Savannah when it's too late and risk losing her.)

5.  Looks (Shallow? Yes, but honestly I hardly look like a woman, so even afterward I'm still going to have the same skeletal structure. Not really a dream come true, so am I even going to be passable?  I've seen a few MTFs on TV and they were all beautiful! It seems though that they started hormone therapy before/during puberty, plus they looked like a female before hand anway)

6.  My job (I would I explain this to my all male staff?  I'm sure my Assistant Manager would be understanding, however probably a bit put off by the idea.  The others I'm not so sure.  They fire people so easily where I work, what if the District or Regional Manager decide to just get rid of me, and say it's because my sales have suffered?  They don't like me anyway!  Then getting a new job, how would I explain that my name is Adrianna, but my references know me as Nick?)

7.   Friends (Luckily only one may be an issue, my other friend thought I was gay anyway so this won't be much of a leap... though he'll tease me forever!)

8.   Cost (the surgery alone is said to cost up to $37,000!  If it's not covered by OHIP I don't see it as financially feasible, or worth it.)

9.   Sex (I love it when I get it! It's obviously never going to feel the same, will I be satisfied after I change? I know my wife will, but I'm not so sure because of how I feel right now....)

Like my wife says... One step at a time. Sounds like you have someone you can rely on also, your soul mate. Lean on her, and listen to what she says and if you do your journey will be easier.

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Post Merge: May 20, 2009, 11:23:04 AM

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Quote from: Adrianna on April 30, 2009, 02:31:47 PM
I am willing to give up everything, except my wife.  Honestly she means more to me... then well me!  I know I have to get therapy if I wish to transition, but it scares me!  I took anger management once o.O All I did was say what they wanted to hear so they would leave me ALONE!  I guess I can't do that in this situation.  It scares me simply because I have trouble opening up in person, especially to a stranger.  Now if I could find a therapist that would do my sessions over MSN........

I know that I am new here. I agree you need to be willing to give up everything; however, it also sounds as if your wife is your soul mate and you need to keep her. She will be there for you, no matter what. If she is anything like my wife, she wants to be part of your life so let her in. Tell her everything. I going as far as letting her go with me to therapy (if possible), so she understands what I am dealing with. She is a watchful guide on my journey, so should your be. 

Quote from: Adrianna on May 17, 2009, 07:19:43 PM
A clinic not to far from me is having a Laser Hair Removal 50% off sale.  How permanent is it anyway? does anyone know? Transitioning or not I still hate hair.

well hair does grow in cycle so you will feel that some are growing back but they are not, and you'll need 5-6 treatment probably.

it is really worth it, today even if i still some hair on my face left it takes me only 2-3min to shave and i can shave without the shaving cream.   So in the long run it is worth it because you'll save money on the shaving cream, ok ok jokes a part it is a great investment to start with or at least it was for me.

My wife called the clinic for me to get some information.  Can you believe that actually refused to help me?!  They said that they would be happy to help with other areas, however, they will not do facial hair as it is "too painful" as such they just won't do it (for men). Shouldn't I be the one to decide what's too painful and what isn't?

Too bad, Adrianna, but yes I can believe it.  It either means bigotry or incompetence.   To my way of thinking, if they cannot handle a job like that I sure do not want to give them my business.  Good thing you found out about it now.

Kristi

I agree with that... but I dunno it just upsets me

I first went to a laser clinic here in town but felt they weren't really interested.  Now I drive 75 miles to another clinic and couldn't be happier with how they treat me and the job they are doing.  Trust your instincts.  If they don't want to do the job, find another.  You want someone who will be comfortable working on you and with whom you are comfortable.

Good luck in your search.

- Kate

Quote from: Adrianna on June 15, 2009, 05:29:23 PMhowever, they will not do facial hair as it is "too painful" as such they just won't do it (for men).

well there is more hair on the face compared to other area of the body it is true that it is more painful. 

i was told this once and my reply was: i already had a few session already so that is ok.  and yes they accepted to do it after i said i already had a few session and was already used to the pain. 

maybe find a center that has experience with transgender girl?