I'm curious what others think. Is it common to have a pathway in your self identification? When I was a child I never really doubted who I was, but felt much more comfortable playing with the girls than sports with they guys. Once the testosterone started screwing with my head at puberty I was all messed up. It's like being under mind control and doing what it told me, reguardless of logic. I would however fantasize about what it would be like had I been born a girl, even wish for it. Crossdressed in private off and on through my life. As Im well into adulthood I look back now and while I dont regret where I am and such, I cant help but wish I had it to do over again and take a different path.

In reading up on this stuff, It seems like most mtf's have pretty much 'KNOWN' the whole time they were in the wrong body. Is that the way it is for everybody or is it actually a spectrum, with MtF's who were pretty comfortable with being male and over time realized that they wanted or needed to switch paths?

I think I could force myself to be happy with who I am for a while yet, but fear I'm going to turn old and realize I missed yet more chances to rediscover life.

I'm kinda sick of the testosterone cloud. Its like I'm a lesbian trapped in a mans body or something.

Thanks for thoughts/comments.

I am in a similar situation.  Throughout all my childhood years until when I was 15. Then I started having thoughts of wearing women's clothes.  Once I started dressing up I realized that I need to have more than just "dressing up"  I finally came to accept that I wanted to be a girl.  It happened to me midstream, I am sure it could happen to others as well.  The term they like to use for people like us is "secondary transsexualism."  There aren't many documented stories of this "type" although these categories don't exist much anymore.  Yes it can happen.  You could feel like your biological sex and then all of the sudden come to realize that you are the other.  I used to get tied up in the story and went looking for a "thing" to prove I was a TS, but that never happened.  I just had to go with my feelings of when it started and took a closer look at each individual incident of my TG feelings. 

For me I looked at things like always reading lady mcbeth's lines in the shakespeare reading we did in highschool, and in an assignment I drew myself pregnant with the female version of myself.  My feelings would go away and come back even more powerful.  When playing video games I would always name my profile Lauren and write my initials as LCH and so forth.  It all adds up in the end who you really are

Hi Victoria.

Well, you pretty much described my life.  Before kindergarten I knew I was a boy but thought that was wrong - that I should be a girl and would be happier as one.  The flood of hormones at puberty screwed up my head pretty badly.  After years of fighting GID and having it in remission, of repressing some feelings and expressing others, I finally started working on it.  I never expected to transition MtF - never thought it would be possible and never allowed myself to think that's what I wanted - but now it is clear to me that's what I need.  I've never been happier.

Each of us walks a slightly different path.  It's not so much getting in touch with your inner femme side.  It's more getting in touch with the core of who you are.  That can be scary because usually you don't know what that core person is until you peel away the protective layers built up over the years.

No.  There is no pathway.  There are many.  Finding the right one can take some work.  You might start down the wrong ones a few times, but you can find the right one.  Be gentle with yourself and you'll get there.

Good luck!

-Kate

Thanks for the responses.

Hello VictoriaX

It think what i'm reading from you is "when did you know that you were trans"?

Unlike many others that knew at a young age, I figured it out much later in life.

Although i'm not 100% convinced that i'm trans (yet), the only thing that I knew when younger is that I didn't fit in with guys, was non athletic, and got taunted a lot in school. I learned to be by myself and pursued things that didn't require me to be around anyone else. I had few close male friends. It was a painful time for me.

As I got older I realized that I didn't fit in with men, and was actually uncomfortable around them. I also seem to put off a vibe that makes men uncomfortable around me as well. So my circle of close male friends remains small. Even now I still seem to be putting out some kind of mixed message, I think people pick up on a guy with feminine traits, although I wouldn't classify myself as having those traits. People are perceptive.

I'm in my mid 40s now, married to a wonderful woman, and have kids. I took that darned COGATTI (or whatever it is) "test" and it told me that i'm about 50/50 male/female. What the test told me didn't matter, but it did open up my thinking, and offered a plausible explanation for many, many things in my life. It just never dawned on me.

Until I was about 28 I was a pretty small guy (140lbs), and I think I had a lot more options then than I do now. And I had more hair too 

Anyway, that's my story. We all get here through many pathways. I just wound up traveling on the late bus 

Quote from: VictoriaX on June 18, 2009, 04:51:04 AM
In reading up on this stuff, It seems like most mtf's have pretty much 'KNOWN' the whole time they were in the wrong body. Is that the way it is for everybody or is it actually a spectrum, with MtF's who were pretty comfortable with being male and over time realized that they wanted or needed to switch paths?
for thoughts/comments.

I think it is a spectrum. Usually mtf's clearly recognize and accept their transsexualism at their later 30's or early 40's. That was my case. It tends to become stronger and stronger.

Barbie~~

Wow Riven_one, we sound alot alike. I'm approaching 40 and have never gotten along well with other guys. I've learned to not send out vibes but I really dont like hanging around with other men. I'm a nurse, but I'm not sure if that was a subconcious choice to surround myself with women. The more I look back at my life though, I'm seeing all the clues...

Also married and love my wife. I think she is what is keeping me from having jumped in this direction earlier. I dont want to stress my wife and kids with my life choices (even though they have given me some gray hairs). At this point if I had life to live over I would try to do what kids can do now, and transition in school.

For what its worth, I think school, especially high school, sucked for almost everyone to some degree. The ones who actually had a good time through school are almost universally losers now or too lucky for their own good.

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Post Merge: June 18, 2009, 09:11:21 AM

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Quote from: lauren3332 on June 18, 2009, 07:43:30 AM
When playing video games I would always name my profile Lauren and write my initials as LCH and so forth.  It all adds up in the end who you really are

I play online games to while the time, and all of my characters are female. Always. My kids tease me about some. I have tried playing male characters and just dont 'feel' it.

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Post Merge: June 18, 2009, 10:14:42 AM

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Quote from: K8 on June 18, 2009, 07:48:26 AM
That can be scary because usually you don't know what that core person is until you peel away the protective layers built up over the years. -Kate

Yeah, I've got a lot of layers I fear. But I kinda think I know who's down there or I probably wouldnt be here.

Quote from: K8 on June 18, 2009, 07:48:26 AM
Good luck! -Kate

Thanks!

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Post Merge: June 18, 2009, 11:17:09 AM

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Quote from: barbie on June 18, 2009, 11:02:43 AM
Usually mtf's clearly recognize and accept their transsexualism at their later 30's or early 40's. Barbie~~

Thanks. More proof that youth is wasted on the young. Although I can happily say at 39 im still getting carded routinely for buying beer. I think that might be better than getting ma'amed for some.

I didn't realize it until I was 19 of the possibility of being trans.  I had a normal childhood except for CP.  I played with all the male stuff, ninja turtles, ghostbusters, transformers, army men, etc.  Then when I was 15 I suddenly felt the need to crossdress in pantyhose, then I wanted to wear women's clothes in general, then after I realized that clothes weren't enough is when I came to believe I wanted to be a girl based on the fact that not only had I given myself a first name of Lauren but also a middle name of Chelsea.  In high school I read mcbeth and always chose to read the lines of lady mcbeth parts and drew myself being pregnant with a girl.  This was to symbolize I was giving birth to "Lauren"  In community college when doing website design I accidentally typed in the name Lauren instead of the name "Laura" like I was supposed to.  Right there shows that my female self has been in my subconscious long enough to spill out into the real world.  My situation is pretty weird for a transgirl, but there isn't a thing I can do.  I wanted to prove I was or wasn't TS so badly but sadly you can't prove anything at all.  I am Lauren now, even if I was a man before.  Who knows, I like being Lauren a whole lot better than being Jason. 

The ones who actually had a good time through school are almost universally losers now or too lucky for their own good.


>>>>>>>>>>> too lucky for my own good I guess.

But really, what a loser comment.  Spoken like a true failure.  Most of the people I know who had a good time in school are like doctors, lawyers, business people, well, except for our one failure, he had to go into the Air Force, currently he is a general.  Underachiever.

Quote from: tekla on June 18, 2009, 12:36:45 PM
Spoken like a true failure.  Most of the people I know who had a good time in school are like doctors, lawyers, business people, well, except for our one failure, he had to go into the Air Force, currently he is a general.  Underachiever.

You must have gone to a much better school than me then. I didnt mean it as an insult or anything, just a life observation. They say we dont have a class based society in this country but I often feel that yes we do. I would have loved to go to med school or law school but my school system beat that crap right out of me. I basically gave up on college until I went to join the Army and found out that I actually could get a scholarship after serving via G.I.Bill and College Fund. Thats essentially the only financial aid I could get, and I tried!

All of the kids in school who had an easy time (popular, had a car, never bullied, etc) that I later met after high school all seemed to be college dropouts or had other problems in their life.

Again, Im not saying thats true for everyone, but it seemed true to me. I intended no insult.

I regulary meet my old class mates during my elementary school. Now we are in middle 40's. Those who did exceptionally well in our school do not earn so much money or have a higher position here. But, I do not think their life is so much unsuccessful.

If lawyers and doctors represent higher positions, then my old friends with that kind of job were just mediocre. Those who liked to bully others mostly have a job in private business, and surprsingly successul. Of course, they no longer bully  One boy  was indeed wicked, causing problems everyday. He is now a high-rank police officer. When we remind him of that, he goes red, so we refrain from mentioning that while chatting.

Barbie~~

I think there is a spectra, as in most things. I knew something was wrong at an early age. I remember crying for weeks (?) when I was sent to a boys primary school and my sister was at a girls primary school. I totally felt out of place.
I never made significant male friendships at school. I still don't have any. I have colleagues, but we don't socialise. I'm at ease in female company and get odd looks at times for including myself in female conversation topics.

I worked hard at school mainly because I knew it was my chance. The only chance to escape into being me. I'm 56, when I was growing up there was no support for things like me. I was born into a loving catholic family. When I came out to them throughout my childhood, there was no understanding, and why should there have been? I didn't understand what was going on.

I think we all have common parts of are paths, and sometimes I'm suprised by posts that I can totally identify with, and others that I have little comprehension of.

I totally identify with Matilda's comment of trying to castrate myself (herself). The pain. Not realising why I wanted to be rid of the growth. And then puberty.  Asking my Mum when my breasts aould grow and my periods start. I'd heard my sister ask the same question. We got different answers. Was I just stupid? By then I knew the differences between male and female, and I could still ask that question! Why?

Is it hope springs eternal?

Cindy

 Thanks Cindy.

I'm glad its easier and better accepted for young folks dealing with this now. Im not sure it would have made much difference for me, but you never know.

Mostly I was just curious if most MtF had a procession in thier actions and thoughts that lead them to a conclusion, but it seems more like people have several things going on and either know from the beginning that something isnt right, or figure it out later on after denying it for a while.

I thank you all for your responses, It's helping me hindsight my life a bit.

Look, a lot of people in here did well in school.  We have PhDs, several Masters, a lawyer or two - and you don't just come onto your own in college or grad school, you work your way there.  Likewise, there is a site somewhere about successful transitions and the number of PhDs, in stuff like Astrophysics, Chemistry and other hard sciences.  My friend Susan Stryker here in SF is an award winning movie producer, with a PhD from Stanford in history.  GID does a lot of stuff, but don't blame it for everything.

Matter of fact, I'm pretty sure school was the shining path that most of us used to get through having to be a kid and teenager.  Yeah the playground sucked at times.  But I made sure the bullies hated the rest of school as much as they make me hate recess.

Quote from: VictoriaX on June 19, 2009, 03:29:19 AM
Mostly I was just curious if most MtF had a procession in thier actions and thoughts that lead them to a conclusion, but it seems more like people have several things going on and either know from the beginning that something isnt right, or figure it out later on after denying it for a while.

It is a long story in my case like others.

Three factors might be related with my starting public crossdressing at my later 30's. One, at that time, I got my ph.d. degree, a long-time goal for my career. Second, economically and socially, I had some confidence for supporting my family. My two sons grew and I and my wife were a little bit relieved (but it did not last long, as we got my daughter in 2 years). Third, my family went to Korea for summer vacation, and I was alone, having ample leisure time to think about myself and try those things that I could not with my family.

And, there were many episodes which I can not detail here. Sometimes I was happy, other times I was desperate and angry.

Now I have long hair, sometimes wearing skirts, heels and lipstick. But, never freely like other women. At home or my work place, there is some limitation, and I should restrain myself. I wore just once heels at my work place, and never wore skirts. With my friends at private places, I can freely wear what I want to wear.

I am a dad and a goverment employee. Even women here at my place restrain themselves with respect to clothes and cosmetics. Few women employees were red or blue manicure. I am eager to wear blue manicure, but I gave up.

You may progressively move forword by trial and errors. As long as you and SO are happy or at least acceptable, then why not go ahead?

My crossdressing is a kind of hobby, but it is like sexual desire which can be sometimes a choice, but occasionally a must.

Barbie~~