Like... I know this is such a small thing to say, but sometimes it really bothers me to look at pictures of trans people that aren't... erm... convincing.

It's not like I mean to feel uncomfortable with it, but I can't help but look at them and think "God... I don't know if I could STAND looking like that."

Obviously, this isn't EVERY picture I see, or even the majority. But every now and again I'll look at a picture and think "GRAGH!"

It just feels like such a nasty, shallow part of me to be so aware of people's appearances, especially when I know from experience just how necessary it is to be the way you need to be. Should I feel guilty about this? 

No it is just human nature.  I get the OMG feeling.

Janet

I get the YIKES feeling.

Quote from: Firelight on June 19, 2009, 08:00:13 PM
Like... I know this is such a small thing to say, but sometimes it really bothers me to look at pictures of trans people that aren't... erm... convincing.

It's not like I mean to feel uncomfortable with it, but I can't help but look at them and think "God... I don't know if I could STAND looking like that."

Obviously, this isn't EVERY picture I see, or even the majority. But every now and again I'll look at a picture and think "GRAGH!"

It just feels like such a nasty, shallow part of me to be so aware of people's appearances, especially when I know from experience just how necessary it is to be the way you need to be. Should I feel guilty about this? 

I get exactly that same feelings. I just try not to voice them... much. I did when starting here and well, I too know its hard for some and their looks its their challenge. But I cant help but cringe sometimes.

What I think its worse its when a person ask for a truthfully opinion on how she or he looks and others to not hurt that person feelings lie. Or it is that they have this skewed sense of how people really looks?

Or course my opinion its just that but what I dont want its to delude myself that I look oh so great. But also what if im criticizing my look too much and actually I dont look too bad?


But yeah some pictures are like OMG Yikes!


Edit: I forgot to add: It doesnt really matter how you look, well it does to live in this society and stuff. The better you look and look "convincing" the better. But if you arent deluding yourself and you know you dont look quite well. But you are still willing to continue and work with what you have and face your challenges... well I would love to be friends with a person like that.

What matters if who you are inside. Looks help but its not the only thing.

I know exactly what you mean firelight.

However this is a TS / TG support site and full of very biased opinions, the majority of people will tell anyone they look OK and will pass fine and  thats its up to the public to accept us.

You are not likely to find anyone willing to destroy anyones confidence and dreams by being truthfull in their opinion.

But we all have to start and remember that in the early days of transition we all may not look overly convincing.

Buffy

Thank you all for putting my fears to rest.

I mean, realistically not very many people are especially "pretty" anyway, so I suppose the good thing is that common people are more likely to think "ugly woman" than "man dressed as a woman" in a great many cases.

At any rate, it's comforting to know that I'm not a horrible person for being kind of "icked out" by some of the pics I've seen.

Hi Firelight,
I don't think you are in the least bit offensive. I have to say that the majority of people I meet every day are "not good looking" in one way or another. I really don't worry if people feel the same to me. I'm reasonably happy with how I look; but I'm a work in progress. I feel we just need to respect how people look. We can have our opinions but sometimes they may be best kept private. I don't think you can start a friendship by walking over to someone and saying. "You're one ugly looking bitch". I've never tried that as a pick up line .

Though I'm sure it has been tried. "I'm God's gift to women. you're a really ugly bitch but I'll make you feel good tonight." Yea.

And the language was meant to be offensive in the context of the post only.

Cindy,

Firelight

Couldnt agree with you more. Sometimes an image just makes you feel repulsed. As Janet said its just human nature. We are wired from birth that anything deviating from average attracts attention in a negative or positive way.
Having said that attraction to a person imo is based on personality. Unfortunately you have to overcome initial physical apperances to get to know someone

As an SO i was pretty ashamed of when i got the "ick" effect. I thought somehow i was being disloyal to Adrianna. i soon realized that many women i see everyday give me that effect and that it was okay to feel that way. I still truly believe that most everyone is beautiful on the inside and thats what counts. Though i am glad that Adrianna doesnt give me the ick factor i hope that doesnt sound bad. 

Some people are just not very attractive or photogenic. There is an old saying, Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes all the way to the bone. That's supposed to be funny. Sometimes true. Occasionally I'm glad the person didn't show up in a dark alley at night. They're scarey in the daylight.

"I've been drinking for hours, and your still ugly.  Lets have sex!"

Sadly a line I have actually heard (luckily not directed towards me)

I've gotten the ick factor a ot of times.  The majority of times when looking at myself.  With me at least I really need to work on my eyebrows, and as I've stated in my own thread I think some of the people are bluffing when they say how good I look.

Why am I saying this again here? Simply because it's not that getting the ick factor is bad, but you may be getting it by looking at the pictures in the wrong light.  Half the time you look at a picture HERE and get the ick factor you know it is a transperson.  I'll explain what I mean using myself as an example.  The first time I ever dressed I went to a professional trans place in Toronto with my SO and they did my makeup and I got to borrow their clothes and fake boobies(which I want a pair badly they are soooooo cool)  when I was done I looked in the mirror (they hid my eyebrows so well they looked so very feminine without removing hair... not sure how)  My SO's comment was "Holy ->-bleeped-<- your hot, I love your legs... my god your face is so pretty" or something similar.  I however was getting the ick factor at first.  I was nervous, and I didn't believe her.  I had to disconnect myself and look at it again.  The thing is, when I got the ick factor I knew it was "Nick" under that makeup and clothing and it just didn't fit well.  However looking at myself again and thinking about Adrianna as if Nick never existed put my looks in a totally different light.  Most of the time if you think about just meeting the person randomly and you didn't KNOW they were born male, you probably would never notice.  Some of course your still going to get the ick factor, but there are born females that look like men in drag anyway.

Quote from: Bridgette on June 20, 2009, 07:27:00 AM
I have to admit I feel the same way sometimes.  I'm new to dressing so still have a lot to learn and I'm a bit self conscious about it. Sometimes I want to say please don't make your blush a circle on your cheeks!    Now, saying that; I know that I have a long way to go to learn makeup and wearing appropriate clothing but when I do post images I really want constructive feedback. I'm not looking for just general "oh you look cute" from people trying to be nice to me.  I really want to be successful at it!

I know exactly how you feel, though people keep reassuring me they are not "just being nice" though someone really does need to take a weed wacker to my eyebrows o.O

In the beginning, it is normal for some trans pictures to make you uncomfortable.  All our lives we are told women look this way and men look that way.  This is reinforced by television, movies, and other media where mostly there are just beautiful people.  It takes a while to realign our expectations of what people should look like.  (They should look like themselves, but we usually don't realize that.)

I think the ick factor is normal, especially when we look at ourselves.  And it works outside the TG community, too.  Years ago I would go to the mall with my wife and she would invariably say something like: Don't these people look in the mirror before they leave the house?

Most of us are works in progress.  With time and work we become more who we are, and that shines out.  I find a homely person who is completely comfortable in who they are to be very attractive.  As my therapist said: Passing is an internal thing.

- Kate

Ah, talk about strange timing... I have been bothered by this for years. In part, I have that fear that there is no hope for a successful transition; there are so many little things that can never be changed, like height and body proportions, and many things that just don't change enough. As I get older, I worry that there is no hope of a favorable result. I hate pictures of myself, for one because they portray a male, and because they show how badly I've fallen apart. Online, I tend to use my art instead of pictures of myself for things like this forum. I've even taken a picture of myself from when I was 17 and morphed it to see what I would have looked like as a girl, but I doubt the result would have been so favorable if I used a current picture! So, I just have to focus some of that angst into getting in shape, see what my current best can be, and hope that hormones will be enough.

I might as well show you... this took a little work on MorphThing and Photoshop, but I think this shows what I might have looked like at 17 if I had been born female.



Not a redhead, with Ocean eyes, but I probably could have lived with this face! If only! 

I have a twofold reaction. A genuine pain of the heart for them, because their journey is tough, and it takes such determination to get through. And part of this is me feeling awful for feeling repulsed.

And two, inspiration to not allow that to happen to me - mostly by age. The same sort of thing happens when I read about children, marriages, churches, etc. I feel, being younger than a lot of people who actually begin transition, have a very different road than most people relate. And I see it as a driving force for as to why I have to do it. I regret so much as is, why wait 20 years and regret even more?

Quote from: avmorgan on June 21, 2009, 04:22:38 AM
Ah, talk about strange timing... I have been bothered by this for years. In part, I have that fear that there is no hope for a successful transition; there are so many little things that can never be changed, like height and body proportions, and many things that just don't change enough. As I get older, I worry that there is no hope of a favorable result. I hate pictures of myself, for one because they portray a male, and because they show how badly I've fallen apart. Online, I tend to use my art instead of pictures of myself for things like this forum. I've even taken a picture of myself from when I was 17 and morphed it to see what I would have looked like as a girl, but I doubt the result would have been so favorable if I used a current picture! So, I just have to focus some of that angst into getting in shape, see what my current best can be, and hope that hormones will be enough.

I might as well show you... this took a little work on MorphThing and Photoshop, but I think this shows what I might have looked like at 17 if I had been born female.



Not a redhead, with Ocean eyes, but I probably could have lived with this face! If only! 

wow! that is incredible!  hmmmm  i have photoshop but am not good with it. i think i am going to send my pictures to that virtual ffs site.  the owner is currently out of town so i'll have to wait.

I felt the same way before. Have to second what K8 said. We're conditioned to think men look a certain way and vice versa. I too feel really horrible when I catch myself doing it. On occasions like that, when they're asking for a critique, I just find what is good genderwise about their appearance. (if they have feminine expressions or lips, etc, I'll comment on that.)
I don't tell people they pass or don't need work if they do. Sometimes I think some transpeople are overly critical and forget that women come in all shapes, sizes, and looks. Contrary to what we see on TV, there are a lot of masculine looking or plain women out there. Just because someone doesn't look like a supermodel doesn't mean she doesn't pass or needs FFS.

In streets and even at my work place, there are ugly-looking people. As I have been with her or him for years, that kind of initial feeling fades away. They now look familiar to me. One of my colleauges lost all of fingers at his left hand. At first, it was shocking, but now it is fine to me.

Yes. It is shocking at first time, but it is the reality. And, a camera makes a magic that makes a bauty look uglier and vice versa.

I see my naked body, and always think it is bizarre. However, now I love my own body, whether is has a hole or a protrusion, because my body was once a target of teasing when I was puberty.

Barbie~~

Hi Firelight,
I think you are expressing what many people think but few actually express. I know when I first came to this site I was taken aback by the different types of people, the different "looks" I'd see. For the first few months as I browsed and read and posted, I got to know many of these people. My first impressions were sometimes based off of appearance, much like it had been most of my life (I know, not fair, just being honest). What I found after a while was sometimes you would have the most passable person with the most beautiful voice and the seemingly ideal life who just had the absolute worst attitude in the world. Caustic, pompous, etc. Just generally someone that had a real mean personality and spirit, but they looked and sounded GREAT!

Then I'd see the opposite too. Someone who might have appeared the opposite, where I'd not be sure of gender intentions or identity, would just not look what I'd imagined a transitioned/ing person to look like. They would have hearts of gold. They would have informative posts. They would be the people who would be there for others. They would be quick to offer their phone number to someone who was in need, sacrificing their own needs for the needs of others.

What I learned over time was that transgender people are just that...people. They come in all shapes and sizes, all different passabilities, personalities, etc. The way someone looks in our world, on this site and other trans sites is just a microcosm of the real world. How many times have you know a really hot person, like super, super hot, to have a really poor attitude. Then you'd have someone that you would just be like "whoa" about and guess what? Wow, they are the most gentle, caring, kind soul in the world. It's a lesson I think we need to remember in trans spaces. You really, truly learn to get past initial perceptions and get to know people for who they are.

The other main thing to remember is that many people are transitioning. How they look now is not how they always looked. I'm posting a link to this video I did on Youtube that shows just my face over 3 years through transition. If you watch it, tell me honestly if through those pictures there wouldn't have been a point where you would have been like "um, scary." But, I'm the same caring, gentle soul I was before. LOL, I sound like yoda, huh? But you know what I mean. If I looked like I did before transition or like I do now or somewhere in between or whatever, I would hope that once you got to know me, your thoughts about me would be the same. That's what I strive for and I continually remind myself of that online and in real life. Good luck on your journey Meghan

The Faces of Meghan

If we could leave "right and wrong" out of it, I think that if we are to get to a place where we truly respect all presentations of gender, AND we also get to a place where we fully accept those who may not seek to transition in the way "we" have done it, then perhaps we could look at the pictures of all trans people with no judgment...just respect for the differences that we have.

As others have said earlier, how do we know the story, or the goal, or the issues involved with the person we see in the picture?  I also like what Meghan said about attitude, which I think is a key component in all of life and especially in Genderland.