This may be a dumb question, but because I have not started my RLT yet, I really don't know what can/will happen.

Clearly, when one is born in the wrong body, they are going to have confidence issues. As an mtf who is still living primarily as a male in public, I am not the 'strut your stuff' type.

However, I think that it has been getting to me too much. I am even becoming mean to my friends/family I guess because I'm hiding my own insecurities. Just the other day, for example, I told my best friend of ten years that he was pathetic (in harsher words) because he dropped out of college and has since landed an amazing position as...a grocery store clerk....

I guess I think I'm hot stuff because in one year, I will have my Bachelor's degree and he will probably be bagging groceries still, at the age of 22. I don't mean to offend anyone, but this is just one example. There have been other situations with other people, unfortunately....

Now, I fully realize that I'm TG and there are alot of people out there who could think I'm scum of the earth because of it, so in some ways I shouldn't be talking, but I honestly think I have to put up that defensive (and offensive) wall because I am unable to transition due to my home/financial situation.

Do you think this will change as I start to dress up, go out, etc., hopefully gaining a new happiness/confidence/outlook on life? Maybe, but if I don't pass or if something on my RLT doesn't work out, I may have even less confidence than before. Is this typical for stuck TGs such as I?

Hey Icephoenyx,

The short answer is yes, absolutely!

Confidence will definitely improve as you start to go through transition. Much of my lack of confidence was my inability to interact and relate to people as a guy, I actually found it difficult and almost imposible in social situations(outside of work) to form relationships. I could be in a room full of people and feel totally alone and isolated. That is no longer the case during and after transition for me.

We all fear the unkown, change is a scary concept and when you look into the future it seems an impossible dream at the time, which leads many to feel the confidence of success  is low. Couple that with paranoia, which I think most of us go through when we first transition. I know in my own transition, the first time I went out dressed I was almost in tears with the prospect of getting read, that my voice was crap and that it was going to be a complete disaster!

After that first time it became easier, I made friends with a few girls who helped me out on make up, hair, clothes and with mannerisms. I started speech therapy and finished electrolysis. Each step made things easier, each step made me more confident. I went from going out expecting to be read to going out wondering why I was not read, paranoia bannished and confidence increased everytime there was another success.

Even in times of failure, I started to look at the reasons why rather than be pannicked into thinking my whole world had been torn apart.

The first thing you need to do is change your attitude, you will have a degree, you are obviously intelligent, never consider yourself to be the "scum of the earth". I see to many people who transition and settle on survival as their aim, rather than living a life, fully integrated into society.

Through transition my personnality changed from introverted, unconfident and lonely, to social, confident and happy to making lasting relationships. Why?.. simply because I was happy in myself who I was and how people related to me. No longer did I have to pretend and act as something I had to be on a daily basis, but I had transitioned into a life I actually understood and felt very comfortable in.

None of us has a crystal ball, none of us can predict the future, but we get out of life what we put in and for me transition has made me a far happier and vastly more confident person than I ever was, simply because it feels right.

Rebecca

There's no shame in bagging groceries. It's an honest day's work. Bagged groceries myself in high school.
I think if you quit looking down your nose at people who are supposed to be your friends, you'd be happier and have more confidence. Appreciate your friend for who he is. Find something about yourself to like other than the fact you're doing better than your friend.
There must be something good about you other than the fact you're still in college.
You're going to need confidence in who you are on the inside to be able to withstand the physical process of transition. It's uncomfortable while you're in between.

Hey Buffy, that definitely sounds alot like me, I really hope that my personality and ways of thinking will change 180 while I'm starting my rlt, I'm glad you can relate!!

And Nero, it's definitely hard to be 'in between.' I'm guessing that's why I have such a negative outlook on things at the moment. Once I begin to love/appreciate myself more, I think the rest should fall in place.

I also reckon that lack of confidene is common in TG. But you have to learn it. Attitude is important. As the girl you wish to be, how should you handle the rude comments you said to your friend? Girls deal with those situations differently to boys. Maybe lesson number 2?
Cindy

The others have pretty much nailed it.  As Rebecca said, your confidence will grow as you go along.  As Nero said, you need to build your confidence from what you are, not from thinkng you're better than your frined.  (Absolute worth is more solid than relative worth.)  And as Cindy said, attitude is the key.

It is scary to begin.  Work on building your confidence in who you are now.  Work on not alienating your friends - you will need them.  You can be a good person even in the wrong body - work on realizing that.  And as you are more comfortable with yourself as a person, you can begin working on your gender.

[Oops.  I'm getting a little preachy here.   Sorry.]

Most of us here have been through what you are going through.  Things can get better.

*hugs*
Kate

Thanks everyone, I'm definitely seeing things in a more positive light. Relativity doesn't really go very far, and I will definitely need my friends, whether I like it or not. Sometimes I think it might be better to be alone, but I really don't think that's ever the way to go.

but Cindy, I don't really know what you were suggesting when you said that boys handle things differently than girls, I'm sorry :s Are you saying I should act as though I am already living as a girl, rather than use my insecurities to be mean??

Very much so. Why do you wish to be insecure and mean? Who is that going to help?
It's very difficult to be confident when suffering behind a mask a seething insecurity. Sometimes somehow you have to reach out.

Just My Opinion Though
CIndy

Quote from: Nero on June 17, 2009, 02:30:08 AM
There's no shame in bagging groceries. It's an honest day's work. Bagged groceries myself in high school.
I think if you quit looking down your nose at people who are supposed to be your friends, you'd be happier and have more confidence. Appreciate your friend for who he is. Find something about yourself to like other than the fact you're doing better than your friend.
There must be something good about you other than the fact you're still in college.
You're going to need confidence in who you are on the inside to be able to withstand the physical process of transition. It's uncomfortable while you're in between.

Wow, ok Dad!! You sound like a Blue Collar Father. OMG, that stuff you are taking is totally changing you. What's next? Boxers and beer? Killing a bear with your bare hands? 

Well, it makes sense Cindy, it is good "practice" for the future I guess. I think alot of it is uneeded drama, nothing more.

What both Buffy and Nero said, Phoenix.

Confidence grows if you allow it and as the confidence grows so does your sense of fitting in.

I've a good friend who's a clerk/sandwich-maker at the local market. She didn't finish high school, but she's salt-of-the-earth and has helped me through some fairly creaky times, even in spite of the fact that I have a couple of master's degrees.

Status is just another made-up way people like to differentiate between like-me and not-like-me. It's all pretty silly and meaningless when it comes down to being able to laugh, talk, hug someone else who needs a lift.

No, we don't discuss the ins and outs of psychotherapy or the history of the Gupta Empire or the way the sunset looks on the dome of the Taj Mahal or on a cottage wall in the Ariege. But, wouldn't trade her in as a friend for someone who could do all of those things.

You'll prolly find that over time as your confidence grows you may also learn to accept that regardless of educational status or sconomic power people can be pretty wonderful friends and acquaintances. And yes, that is part of the learning curve of transition and of life.

You'll be surprised at yourself in a few years I bet. We all generally are.

N~

Being hired as your gender of choice did wonders for me. See the office setting behind me. It is a company with "gender identity" in the company's protected classes.

GOOD LUCK

Quote from: Buffy on June 17, 2009, 02:19:07 AM
Hey Icephoenyx,

The short answer is yes, absolutely!

Confidence will definitely improve as you start to go through transition. Much of my lack of confidence was my inability to interact and relate to people as a guy, I actually found it difficult and almost imposible in social situations(outside of work) to form relationships. I could be in a room full of people and feel totally alone and isolated. That is no longer the case during and after transition for me.


Through transition my personnality changed from introverted, unconfident and lonely, to social, confident and happy to making lasting relationships. Why?.. simply because I was happy in myself who I was and how people related to me. No longer did I have to pretend and act as something I had to be on a daily basis, but I had transitioned into a life I actually understood and felt very comfortable in.

None of us has a crystal ball, none of us can predict the future, but we get out of life what we put in and for me transition has made me a far happier and vastly more confident person than I ever was, simply because it feels right.

Rebecca

See the quote here?  These are TREMENDOUSLY wise words.  Rebecca's situation pre-transition is my situation and why I'm planning to transition.  See how she came out SOOO much better post-transition?   Enough said!

Hope it totally works out for you, Hon!  Hugs!   

Once you are out and about, your confidence does grow rapidly.  Attitude is everything.  If you are comfortable with yourself, then others will be comfortable as well.

Going full time on 22 August 2008 caused my confidence levels to rise at an exponential rate.  I am more confident and self-assured now than what I ever was in the "before times."  Even my kids have commented on this.  My son even went so far as to ask "Why didn't you do this (transition) earlier?"

I am not the same woman that I was in August.

Shauna

Yeah, more or less what Nero and Nichole said.
Also, be prepared.....if you haven't started transition yet, and I have no idea what you look like now.....you may have your bs degree, and be in the honorable position of bagging groceries side by side with your friend.  But he might not be good company if you offended him enough.
Degrees aren't the be all and end all.  I now many people, including myself with multiple degrees.
At 58, I am using my multiple degrees to sell appliances.  It's a choice, given the market in my degree area, and the huge length of time I've not been practicing it.  But I enjoy what I do just the same.
I guess what I'm saying is, I'm not impressed by degrees.  I'm impressed with what people have to offer.  Like martial arts "what belt?...Ha ha ha ha ha.....I have.....canvas belt!  Karate here, karate there....karate not in belt, Danielsan"

Quote from: Nichole on June 24, 2009, 12:11:14 AM
What both Buffy and Nero said, Phoenix.

Confidence grows if you allow it and as the confidence grows so does your sense of fitting in.

I've a good friend who's a clerk/sandwich-maker at the local market. She didn't finish high school, but she's salt-of-the-earth and has helped me through some fairly creaky times, even in spite of the fact that I have a couple of master's degrees.

Status is just another made-up way people like to differentiate between like-me and not-like-me. It's all pretty silly and meaningless when it comes down to being able to laugh, talk, hug someone else who needs a lift.

No, we don't discuss the ins and outs of psychotherapy or the history of the Gupta Empire or the way the sunset looks on the dome of the Taj Mahal or on a cottage wall in the Ariege. But, wouldn't trade her in as a friend for someone who could do all of those things.

You'll prolly find that over time as your confidence grows you may also learn to accept that regardless of educational status or sconomic power people can be pretty wonderful friends and acquaintances. And yes, that is part of the learning curve of transition and of life.

You'll be surprised at yourself in a few years I bet. We all generally are.

N~

Hey, thanks for posting this, and you too Bev (for saying something similar). Both of my parents are executives in the construction industry, and so is my grandfather, so I was raised with the expectation that I would achieve academic success too, since that would lead to other successes (financial, developmental, etc.). People who didn't achieve this were considered lazy, low class, and essentially nobodys.

So Nichole, don't you some times feel embarrassed being with your friend, I mean don't take that the wrong way but that's what I'm feeling right now with my buddy....? Don't you sometimes wonder why she won't take a few upgrading courses or something? I guess where I'm coming from, you can't lose anything by being in school, especially if you are still young and close with your parents, etc. That's what my family would say, anyways, and I am trying to get out of it.

I believe that my degree will be an asset, but I also agree that because I'm trans, I may be cashier at the grocery store, if that. I guess maybe it hasn't really hit me yet, or I haven't experienced it? I just hope that as I transition, I gain a new confidence and appreciation for things...

Quote from: Icephoenyx on June 28, 2009, 12:39:29 AM
I believe that my degree will be an asset, but I also agree that because I'm trans, I may be cashier at the grocery store, if that. I guess maybe it hasn't really hit me yet, or I haven't experienced it? I just hope that as I transition, I gain a new confidence and appreciation for things...

You need to get out of the mindset that because you are Transsexual you are worthless. You will be employed for the skills, competence and ability you have, not what is or is not between your legs.

The confidence will come, start the change by believing you will suceed, otherwise you will set out to fail.


Rebecca

Buffy, I'm not saying I'm worthless, but you can't deny the fact that being trans *could* affect your employment status. Miss Bev said something similar regarding my looks and the potential effect that could have on my ability to get a job, and I agree. We aren't that far along in society yet....

Quote from: Icephoenyx on July 02, 2009, 12:44:14 AM
Buffy, I'm not saying I'm worthless, but you can't deny the fact that being trans *could* affect your employment status. Miss Bev said something similar regarding my looks and the potential effect that could have on my ability to get a job, and I agree. We aren't that far along in society yet....

Worthless was in the context of your value to an employer and not to you as an individual. It is so easy to for us to put all the blame for lack of employment opportunities onto the employer because we are "trans" as you mention.

I have worked with people who dress as Goth's or punks, have multiple body and facial piercings, Tatoo'es on their faces, some have green and purple hair, but that doesnt matter so long as they are competent, good at their job and produce results an employer values them.

Yes, I agree there can be bias and discrimination in employment, especially in the US, but as I said in the previous post you need to develop that mindset, that confidence that you will and can succeed.

I went into transition fearing the worst, having to living in isolation, no friends, having no job, but I never doubted that I wouldn't suceed. If  I had needed to I would flip hamburgers in McDonalds for a living but today I run my own business and currently in discussion with two companies wanting to employ my competence, skills and experience for salaries in excess of $US 150 K a year.

It truly is an easy line to say that we are not that far along in society yet, that being transsexual is a barrier to employment, but I now and have friends who are TS in high level jobs, in a range of industries and countries throughout the World.

Find the confidence, find the right mentality, market yourself to the right companies (that require desperately your skills) and you can find that job.

We write our own history Icephoenyx, you just have to believe.

Buffy