I have always championed communication, honesty, and forthrightness between couples who are in some form of relationship, and of course just in general.  I have also strongly emphasized the need for compromise as part of any transition that would see a relationship continue.

This was brought home to me this past week and it saw a huge change to our lives.  Gill and I have been together for 33 years, and she has stood by my side throughout my transition and all the events prior to it.  Last week saw a turning point in our relationship that saw us break up and decide to go our separate ways.  This all happened at the supper table in a matter of minutes.

I have never cried so much in all my life.  Gill needed to be free from the turmoil, needed her life back.  The next morning was quiet to say the least.  We each went our own separate ways to work and we would discuss what our next steps were.  We knew we would have to sell our beautiful 2 year old house in the country and each look for apartments.  But that is all we discussed.

During the day, work was awful.  I just couldn't concentrate.  But in the afternoon Gill phoned me as asked how I was doing.  I told her "not good" and she went on to tell me that she had a long talk with her girlfriend about us and what had transpired but her girlfriends words persuaded her to give us a second chance (I won't go into what they were).

That evening we sat and discussed what Gill needs, and it boiled down to us selling our wonderful house in the country and moving into an apartment or condo in Kingston, and we would take it from there.  In Kingston she would be close to family and friends and she would not feel so isolated and trapped as she did in the country.  So that's what we did, there is a for sale sign on the front lawn now.

Then some good news.  As I spoke about in another post, Gill got a call from our daughter J saying that she would be coming for a visit on Sunday.  This completely changed our mood, finally J is willing to me and be at our home, gosh it's been almost a year since I saw her last.

Last Monday, Gill, her mom, and J were driving to the casino and Gill mentioned to J our situation and what had transpired, to which J replied that "why don't we buy your house and you can rent our condo".  Gill and I had talked about that as well but were afraid to mention it to J.  So that's what we are doing, J and her husband are buying our house and we are going to rent their condo.  A great solution that will work for us both.  Another benefit of this is that J and her husband came up to the house on Saturday and Sunday to visit, so I got to see J more than I expected

Yep we had to sacrifice.  While I fully expected to live and die with Gill in our new home when it comes down to it, it's only sticks and bricks, and being together is the most important thing right now.  We have agreed that we will do this for a year and see how it goes.  Yep it takes compromises on everyone's part to make a relationship last, sometimes it hurts but it beats the pain of separation.

Steph

Oh Steph, I know how hard that must have been.  Especially with you thinking you were going to go your separate ways.  I wish you luck and happiness in your future and hope that you find that living in the condo ends up working out well for you.

We are but travelers upon the roadway of life and our bodies are our vehicles. Not all paths lead to where we expect them to.

Melissa

 

What a topsy turvey couple of days.

I hope that everything works out for the best.

Huggles!

Hi Steph...

Wow... What a rollercoaster ride of emotions that must have been.

Staying together is a wonderful thing.

Buffy

xxx

Steph,

I can hear the mix of sorrow and hope in your words. 

I am glad you were able to quickly work out a situation that gives you and Gill a chance to work things out.  THe fact that Gill came forward first to say "let's give it a second chance" gives me hope.

My hopes and prayes are with you both.

Chaunte

I unconsciously held my breath while reading the first part of your posting, Steph.  Tears began to form as I thought, "Oh -- NO-O-O!!"

I'm so glad it worked out for now -- perhaps it was needed.  Not wanted (nobody likes to go through these emotional rollercoasters,) but necessary.

Nothing is forever.  That's what makes the Now so precious.

Karen

Steph,
   Hugs to you both. I'm hoping for the best for the both of you. We also moved when I started to transition. All I can say right now is that I'm really happy for the both of you. Be patient and don't hurry things up as you are all ready there.
Love to the both of you Sheila

Thanks so much everyone for the kind words and thoughts.  Believe me they were needed and appreciated.  Some may think that I'm a tough uncompromising person when it comes to my TS issues, but I really care about everyone here at Susan's, and I truly believe that we can learn through others.

I sometimes feel that you all know more about my transition and my life than I do, as many of you have practically endured it as much as me.  But still it's comforting to know that you are always there when needed.  Thanks again everyone.

Steph


Posted at: August 14, 2006, 03:22:11 PM

---

I would just like to publicly thank Chaunte for her phone call.  Your words of support were just right.  You are definitely a special person and a treasure.

Steph

Oh Steph, I'm happy for you that you are going to try to work things out.  I sometimes wish that we should have tried something.  But my better half would have nothing of it.

And as far as being tough Steph.... your actions speak louder than the words shared here. WE all know better

Cindi

Hi Steph,
Just found these postings. My heart took a dive as I read the first part of your story. Not only do I care for you but I think that I am following a similar path down the TS road. You and Gil have given me hope that my SO and I maybe able to stay together. Yes I know that  relationships change and ours has.  But when I thought that you a Gil were going your separated ways. I cried, "Oh no." .............. ( No words to explain my feelings) Hugs for you and Gil.

I so happy that you are staying together and I wish you both the best. Compromise is part of any good relationship.
You two are an inspiration for me.
Hugs
Jillieann

Jilliean,
    Compromise, patience and talking are very critical in trying to keep a relationship going. With all of that the relationship still may desolve. I have kept my relationship, but it has been shaky to say the least. Long term, I don't know how long it will last, but she says we are connected at the hip. I'm all for that. You are in a different relationship than Steph and Gil and ,myself and Pat (wife). Compromise was not high on the list, but patience and talking were. Trying to educate my wife at her pace took a lot of patience. I'm happy I had the patience. I have seen first hand, within my community here, and online how most relationships breakup. Not that they break up because of being TS, but of the TS being too impatient and wanting to change yesterday. Once we find out who we are and start living the part we get kind of carried away and want it now, breast implants, FFS, etc. etc. The wife (girlfriend) can't handle that much in that short of time, especially if they have children. Now, if the TS looks better in a skirt than her partner that opens another can of worms. Just work on your relationship and keep going to counseling and talk. There is a time limit though. It may never work. It is like I have said before, I think that older people who transition and have been in a relationship for a long time tend to do better than a young couple.
Sheila

Steph, I just started three different senteces and erased them all.  It's hard to say what I feel about this particular subject, most likely because my spouse and I are going through a rough patch too.

Your impending move may feel like the closing chapter to the hopes and dreams that you and Gill had when you first got the place and I can appreciate the grief that may create.  Your new surroundings may just be what's needed, though, for both of you to find your paths through the rest of your lives.  The coincidence of being able to find a buyer who you know will care and appreciate the place as much as you obviously do as well as finding a nice place in town for you to live seems to point towards the correctness of your decision.

Bon Chance, Vielen Glück, Good luck in you new adventure!
helen