Sounds like fear.
When one becomes "alcoholic," ALL drinking is based on fear.
Having to be drunk in order to face the world, or any aspect of life in general, is a hallmark sign of potential alcoholism.
Anima, I hope that you haven't crossed over the line from which their is no return to "normal" drinking.
Here's a simple general test to determine if you have a "drinking" problem.
Have one drink of your choice. Pour yourself a second one. Can you take a few sips, walk away from that beverage and post here?
I pray your able to. However if you find yourself unable to do so there is help available to you.
Mich'