Hi all!
I've recently turned 26 and am presently on a regimen of hormones that I started about two months ago. This is the third semi-consecutive year that I've tried to develop feminine attributes via hormones.

The difference this time is that I've matured emotionally. I've been openly "gay" and flirting with the transgendered path for such a time that I'm not afraid who knows, or to dress fem in public and am not concerned with people's opinions. If they want to call me a boy it does not shake my resolve.

Still, I guess I want to relate my story to the community to dispel the thought that I might be making some terrible mistake. I'm almost certain though that it would be a mistake and huge regret to let myself continue aging as male. I've chickened out for so many years already.

I write software for a living and have mostly male-type mental aptitudes. People tell me I'm good looking -but I don't want to be admired "as a man" or for any masculine physical attributes. When women hit on me I dislike it because they're only seeing the outward\false me. When men relate to me as another man I feel totally sick about myself. My body is fairly small for a guy -at barely 5'7'' and 126lbs. I've always enjoyed every small degree to which I can make myself look more feminine.

Up until age 24 I pretty much thought I was straight. I mean, I always knew that _if female_ I would be a heterosexual woman -but didn't think much about what that meant in my actual life.

That all changed two years ago after being on a steady dose of Spiro for a couple months. For the first time, the sort of feelings that had before always felt dirty or embarrassing -somehow felt entirely natural. It allowed me to truly internalize the idea that "I am a girl" and my feelings of inappropriateness vanished on their own.

Long-story-short, I was on hormones for 6 months, 4 of them spent with a steady boyfriend, at which point I was beginning to grow breasts and felt overwhelmed like too-much-too-soon. Combined with a lack of support in my social circle, he basically told me he doesn't date ->-bleeped-<-s. So I quit all hormones. A few weeks later my masculine self-hatred returned, resulting in our relationship falling apart anyway.

Ever since I became brave enough 5 years ago I've been journaling about my desire to be female. On anti-androgens I feel more like myself, more like who I was before the self-hatred set in around puberty.

The biggest thing which scares me off from the transgendered journey is the thought that my desire may be rooted in some sort of heterosexual-male eros turned inward -that is, being attracted to myself as female. Of course, on Spiro my libido is almost non-existent and it's absence does not bother me.

Actually I've just recently come to terms with that I don't want to date girls. Even though I'm sometimes attracted to a woman I realized it was more that I wanted to "be her" and not "be with her". I've never really had a girlfriend anyway. I didn't date anyone until the hormones made me comfortable with myself.

Also troubling to my legitimacy as a transexual is that as a child I had pretty much typical boy behaviors, excepting perhaps a sensitive and non-agressive nature. I had mostly male friends growing up, etc. And yet, I definitely recall cross-dressing privately and wanting to be a girl as early as age 7. It intensified at puberty. At the same time I became a bitter sort of person as my face began to exude angular masculine features. I lived with self-hatred for along time, sort of just accepting it as a way of life. I became a heavy drinker (but have recently overcome that).

Conversely, when in a feminine mindset I feel much more extroverted and lighthearted; much more able to love others and myself.

I've tried to be as matter-of-fact as I can be in this post because I'm afraid of falsely leading someone to a conclusion about me and my case via dramatic prose. That is to say, I distrust my self-admissions and want to let the facts speak for themselves. Yet there are so many other factors to consider such as siblings and parents that I'll probably never untangle that ball of yarn. It's scary to make a life choice like this without fully understanding it.

It sounds to me like you have pretty much analyzed your situation.  If you aren't in therepy with a "gender therapist", then you probably should be.  Ultimately, you are the only one who can make that decison.  Good luck.

Hi Severin,

Welcome to our little family. Over 2700 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister.

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Janet

Severin:

It sounds like you are over analyzing your situation.  Many of your life situations are similar to many others here.  I too had a boyish, but introverted, childhood.

As has been mentioned you probably should start seeing a therapist who has training in gender issues.  They can help you sort out your feelings and help you plan your next steps.

Though I will admit that your feelings on HRT seem to be consistent with others, especially the loss of self-hatred and acceptance of your femininity.

Welcome to Susan's!  It's always good to have another sister!

-Sandy

Hi all, just dropping in for a sec. Welcome to Susan's Severin. Lost track of when I was last here but, "wow!" you girls sure are looking good, especially Janet and Sandy. See ya guys, stay out of mischief huh. 

Cindy

Quote from: cindybc on July 21, 2009, 03:30:26 PM

See ya guys, stay out of mischief huh. 
Cindy

Well, that's no fun!

-Sandy(give the thread back to Severin now, Cindy)

Thanks all. Counseling takes too long, even finding a decent therapist takes too long. I've had a few sessions with one but she didn't give me any answers. Sometimes I think professionals are afraid to actually give advice because they might be held responsible. I find that talking with peers is more.. realistic. At this point I just kinda wanted to make sure someone wasn't going to say "Woh you don't have GID! It's clearly XYZ disorder." or the such

Well anyway, conditions in my life are good for making this journey. I've already told friends and the parent I live with and have their support -which feels almost euphorically good.

I identify with a lot of what you posted severin.  I would second the recommendations for therapy, even if you think they take a long time without providing a lot of concrete answers. 

I think there are probably two things to remember about therapy, and this might help change your mind about it-- it takes a long time to do anything because motivations are always complicated.  IOW, there's always more going on than whatever appears on the face. 

Second, a therapist isn't really supposed to tell you what to do, or give you advice (ideally speaking).  I'm not saying it doesn't happen, or that any therapist who gives advice is wrong.  What I'm saying is that only a person with GID is really going to know whether they have GID, and while a therapist might think you act like others with GID, and the therapist might be pretty convinced you have GID, that decision can really only be made by yourself.  The therapist is more like a guide, a person who can ask you questions that force you to look at things about yourself, including your motivations.

Quote from: severin on July 21, 2009, 10:27:53 AM
I was beginning to grow breasts...he basically told me he doesn't date ->-bleeped-<-s.

HI there Severin, welcome to our group. I happen to know exactly how very much this hurts, my partner ended what I thought was a lifelong relationship...after 6 years...with those very words. I still catch myself talking to him in my twilight sleep or instinctively calling out to him before remembering. I got a big stuffed dog about his size, and it actually helps getting to sleep to cuddle into it. Just a suggestion if yer in the need of comfort.

I have to agree with Sandy, I think you are overanalyzing too...as far as I know you've already tried the best diagnostic method out there. I believe the general rule of thumb is that the only people who are going to like taking cross gender hormones are transexuals. Schitzos, ashamed gay people and so on don't like the way they make you feel and usually won't keep taking them. What you do with that and when you do it is up to you, but I would not beat yourself too much over the "if" anymore, just what and when.

*hugs* your'e not alone sweety 

Quoteam not concerned with people's opinions

But people have more than opinions. They can and will control your happiness. Some may even want to kill you, be careful.

Hi Severin,

Welcome to Susan's.  Much of your story is similar to mine and many others here.  I doubt you will take to heart what I have to say, but I'll offer two items anyway:

I agree that the feelings from the anti-androgen and estrogen can be wonderful, but self-medicating is dangerous.  From your story, I would guess you are not getting the hormones under the supervision of a doctor.  Please, for your own sake, don't self-medicate.

Therapy can be frustrating.  The first time I went I just wanted to be told I was crazy or normal, period.  Therapy doesn't work that way.  As Jessica says, the therapist is a guide, helping you to discover what it is you want and who you really are.  A lot of the work is done by you.  That's why it takes a while.  Few good things happen quickly.  (If you write a really complex app, do you just do it one sitting?)  Even if you are perfect already, therapy won't hurt unless you get a bad therapist.  And if you get a bad therapist, get a different one.  The therapist will help you to puzzle out your questions but you have to find the answers yourself.

You say you have matured emotionally.  Good for you.  But you aren't done yet.  Keep growing into the truly wonderful person you can become.

*hugs*
Kate

wonderful comments everyone!

Quote from: Becca on July 21, 2009, 06:15:29 PM
I have to agree with Sandy, I think you are overanalyzing too...as far as I know you've already tried the best diagnostic method out there.

Overanalyzing is definitely a hindrance in my personal life -but unfortunately my line of work requires the trait.

Quote from: lisagurl on July 21, 2009, 07:12:01 PM
But people have more than opinions. Some may even want to kill you, be careful.

It is a bit disconcerting. Friends have told me that people stare -but I never notice because I well.. avoid eye contact with crowds and strangers.

Quote from: K8 on July 21, 2009, 07:43:46 PM
self-medicating is dangerous.

Hormones are dangerous, blood clots mostly. But it would be hard to find a doctor whoknows even half as much about the subject as people around here. I requests my own medical tests as needed. And even before a Doc would help me I'd need a letter from a therapist

Ah well, I'm doing things the free-market way. I've got my first thermolysis session tomorrow 

Quote from: severin on July 21, 2009, 08:44:34 PM
And even before a Doc would help me I'd need a letter from a therapist

While that's generally true, there are allowances in the SOC for a therapist to refer to you to an endo right away so as to keep you safe.  The catch is that you need to find a therapist first, or at least an endo who's willing to work with you. 
Not that we're trying to pile on and make you feel bad, we just want you to be careful. 

But it would be hard to find a doctor whoknows even half as much about the subject as people around here. I requests my own medical tests as needed.

I doubt it, we have a chemist or two, and a biologist or two also, but reading some internet postings does not a medical degree make, particularly when your talkign about reading very complex lab results.

Quote from: tekla on July 22, 2009, 01:11:38 PM
But it would be hard to find a doctor whoknows even half as much about the subject as people around here. I requests my own medical tests as needed.

I doubt it, we have a chemist or two, and a biologist or two also, but reading some internet postings does not a medical degree make, particularly when your talkign about reading very complex lab results.

We know enough that we take our health rather seriously and seek medical advice and actively advocate *against* self medication!

-Sandy

Quote from: severin on July 21, 2009, 08:44:34 PM
Hormones are dangerous, blood clots mostly. But it would be hard to find a doctor whoknows even half as much about the subject as people around here. I requests my own medical tests as needed. And even before a Doc would help me I'd need a letter from a therapist

Do not, I repeat DO NOT, use anything said on this Forum or any Forum as medical advice or knowledge. No more so than you would decide that by listening to Forum advice from people who'd had brain-surgery would be a valid way to treat yourself for brain cancer!

Take the time with a therapist, who will prolly sign-off on your self-diagnosis and send a letter of recommendation to an endo who will actually know a bit of something about hormone interactions and know that there are more than just blood-clots to be concerned with.

If you're as put-together as your original post sounded, then you shouldn't have a lot of problems doing the deal right.

But deciding that you should be your own medical practitioner with input from us seems like a very good way to find yourself dead or disappointed.

Having a surgery, having therapy and taking hormones are NOT to be confused with performing a surgery, doing therapy or prescribing hormones. 

I don't rely on forums, but on medical articles. An endo probably would be competent -but I was referring to the general physicians who I have talked with and who understandably know less than me about this unusual subject. Cross-sex HRT is not standard training. I actually have extra genetic risk factors for deep vein thrombosis which I took the initiative to discover and research. A doctor, knowing this would probably not allow me to take estrogen at all or only in ineffectual quantities. Having done my research though, I utilize transdermal delivery and concurrent anticoagulant therapy. If you can't tell, I have a general disdain for doctors and establishment figures generally. But again, thanks for comments -and having heard them I probably will put more effort into going legit with the SOC path.  thx all

Do you have any idea what a Western doctor goes through to be an Endro.  Nope.  Didn't think so.  You know what they say about a lawyer who has him (or her) self for a client?  That they have a fool for a client.  I'm sure that a doctor who has themselves for a patient is a corpse. Just because you read some stuff on the nets does not make you an expert, and anyone who would think so is a fool.

Quote from: severin on July 22, 2009, 05:33:04 PM
... I actually have extra genetic risk factors for deep vein thrombosis which I took the initiative to discover and research. A doctor, knowing this would probably not allow me to take estrogen at all or only in ineffectual quantities. Having done my research though, I utilize transdermal delivery and concurrent anticoagulant therapy. If you can't tell, I have a general disdain for doctors and establishment figures generally. But again, thanks for comments -and having heard them I probably will put more effort into going legit with the SOC path.  thx all

Actually, yes, your disdain for authority is pretty evident as is your disdain for doctors.

So when are ya getting your degree after all that medical research you managed on one thing that affected you personally? And if you could do it, or think you could, in such a way as to keep you safe do you imagine a GP or Endo with the training they already have had could do maybe even a better job of it than you think you are doing?

I mean, I like confidence and all and I especially like initiative, but I don't like practicing medicine with no license and infinitesimally small experience and expertise on self and others.

That just seems rather foolish to me. But ymmv.

Just one thing, I am hoping you are aware of though. To ever talk here about what you're doing and how you're doing it I believe violates the TOS, Rule 8. So you can say you're doing DIY, but I believe that's about it. Thanks for maintaining the TOS.

And I hope you opt for the doctors.

Hate to pile on, but if you ask for input, then dispute every bit of input you get, you don't appear to be open minded or really want suggestions.  Don't ask for help or input if you are going to find an excuse to not do what you know is right.  I expect you know this and have already experienced it, however.  Good luck with your next question, or forum.