Hello everyone! im new here and now that ive met so many lovely people in the irc chat rooms i dont feel i can ever leave now!
so, where to begin.. id start with my childhood if i could, but unfortunately i cant remember anything before i was around 15; bit weird i know, i dont know if its just that i have a bad memory or whether im supressing it.
anyway, i started cross-dressing about 6 months ago, a lil bit longer i think but its been round about that length of time. i curently only cross-dress in the privacy of my house when noone is around; i dress whenever i can - i goto bed dressed - i cant sleep if im not, dunno why. my family dont know that im doing it, but i have a feeling my mum might of picked up on it (i keep borrowing her shoes :x), though she hasnt questioned me yet about it, i think she might be giving me some time to figure it out for myself.
i do it because it makes me feel good. when i first started it admittedly used to turn me on; but it doesnt anymore. i do it now to feel normal. im not sure what made me start doing it, though my mum did contract breast cancer at around the time i started (shes ok now, she has been through chemo and radiotherapy (which has been a very hard time) and is seeing her oncologist at the end of this week to sign on back to work! woo!), so at a guess that might of been a trigger, though definately not a concious one.
ive always had this thing in the back of my mind, nagging me; but i could never put my finger on it until now. all my best friends have been girls, ive never really felt comfortable with groups of men, never felt as if i could be just myself in that type of situation, so ive learnt to put on the macho image though i dont think i pull it off very well lol :p. i find it much easier to relate to girls than boys. i just dont think i think like a typical man :s i need to see a head doctor i think.
i suspect my family and friends think im gay (many a time have jovial comments been passed, i just shrug them off cause im not ready to be open with them just yet). ive never had a girlfriend. i have great difficulty fitting into my idea of a male role, but i try my best. the thing is, i always thought i was straight but now im not so sure. as time goes on now, i become less and less sure of myself and my feelings about it - it doesnt freak me out though, it feels like im discovering myself, which is nice, though i dont know where ill end up; i might be bi, at a guess! i just dont know.
ive been plagued with depression for a very long time, and when i think about me dressing, i have so much self doubt about my reasons for doing it (am i delusional? am i running away from something? etc etc) - though every time i talk to the wonderful people here it vanishes immediately, its as if i cant see myself clearly, and i seek some form of affirmation - i dunno :x. i dont think ive ever really been in touch with myself and my true feelings - when im left alone in my head, its just a jumbled mess!
i used to shy away from everything girly, i think it might of been some form of denial or something, but in these past months ive slowly started to embrace it. when i see a girl in the street my eyes divert to her clothes or her jewlery; shoes in a shop window or a magazine will catch my eye and my mind wanders off into daydreams of wearing these things on a night out. that sounds vain and possessive but im really am neither of those.
im 24, i graduated from uni in 2004 (3d graphics programmery stuff) and became a self-employed web developer for a year. i stopped that after my regular contractor screwed me over for large amounts of money
i was far too trusting. after that my dad managed to find me some IT work at his general practice (he is the practice manager of a GP surgery) - its a nice job, but its not full time and the work is getting less and less so im looking for other work (i kinda made myself slightly redundant :x). i hate computers!
i found this place after much researching online - ive read so many websites about this but i felt i just needed to talk to someone who would understand me. anyway, i stumbled across this place and noticed there was irc chat! i just knew i _had_ to join, as if some irresistable force was pushing my mouse cursor to the join button! at the moment im just a crossdresser but i want to take it further. i need to take this further. i feel like im opening the door and its fantastic but very scarey at the same time! im definately snowballing. its all new to me, i had no preconceptions about any of this and im dont think its fully dawning on me what is happening. even in the past 4 days that ive been here ive learned new things about myself - just by talking to the lovely people in the chat room. i cant describe how liberating it feels!
so.. thats me! sorry if the post seems a little bit disjointed, it just kinda gushed out like that hehe
hope i dont sound too crazy! :p
thankyou for reading my rant
*huggles*!!!
