I spoke with our HR manager today after not getting to see her for a few weeks. Corporate actually had gotten back to her very quickly, only she was keeping that from my manager for confidentiality purposes. Apparently, the plans in place are basically for the employee to tell management what they plan to do and work from there.

"So I pretty much have to make the whole thing up myself"

"Yes. The only thing though, is when you eventually start to wear womens' clothing and dress like a woman and look like a woman, which you don't, you're very clearly male right now, you will have to use the ladies' room. Obviously right now you would upset people by being there."



Yeah... about that.

If my coworkers tell customers I'm a he, they usually ignore it
I've had several people ask me what my real name is
Or tell me I don't look like a boyname
They've asked me if I'm my manager, who is a woman
Every time I use the mens' room I either confuse coworkers, get comments from them, or freak customers out and have to have the awkward "You're in the right one, sir" conversation.
I heard a customer saying "Sir, sir" to another coworker and instinctively answered. He stared at me confused.
Nearly every manager in my area has dealt with a customer who referred to me as female
One of the most common things I hear from couples is "She knows so much more than that first guy did."
I get sirred on the phone once every couple of months - upon meeting me in person, the most recent guy who did that told his wife that the nice lady had already set everything up for him.
I've been crossdressing at work for over two years already, I wear 3/4th sleeve flared waist blouses every goddamn day.
Back in the spring before I was on HRT, a coworker passed around a pair of polaroids contrasting my backside to that of a female coworker's and polling people if they thought it was the same person.
And several people told me they kept mistaking her for me.

I don't wear makeup. I don't wear jewelry. I wear a straight back pony tail with my imperfect hairline. I wear slacks and button down blouses. I've only been on E for 2.5 months, and until the last half month, was nowhere near the right level. I live in goddamn Texas. I wear a boy's name plastered on my torso.  I work a man's job with no female coworkers. I wear an A cup bra and I don't even wear a bra at work, with a tight undershirt under my shirt.

I don't pass every single time but holy crap I'm stacking the deck against myself in every way except voice and body language alone and spend 30, 60+ minutes consulting people and couples and get she and her the whole time 5 days a week. One thing that I've learned is that some people do not speak with pronouns so it can take them 40+ minutes of conversation before they use them. Not every person who doesn't give you a ma'am or a sir is confused about your gender.

HR and most of my coworkers apparently, see none of any of that.

This should probably be in PMS.

Honey, the first time we met I told you what I will still tell you:  Your features are very feminine.  The only problem you suffer from is that it is very hard to change people's perceptions of you once they are set in their minds.  Your HR manager should be drawn and quartered for not telling you as soon as the news came back.  It is obvious where she stands.  Just look at what she says:  She does not want you in the women's room because SHE is uncomfortable with it.  It is not because everyone else is.  Well she sure is being a huge help, isn't she!  Sheesh.

Hang in there, sweets.  Think shoe shopping.......

Kristi

Heh... sound like you're well on your way and you KNOW it. Are you asking when it will be acceptable to strut in front of your HR rep in a miniskirt and stilletos or something?

Seriously, it sounds frustrating. But mostly because you feel on the verge of passing all the time without effort. And suddenly this HR rep comes and TUGS you back hard. The thing is she KNOWS you're trans. Which means she's LOOKING for all the male aspects. In normal situations that's not what happens.

Give yourself a couple more months coasting as you have been and try again with HR, I say. Sounds like you're right on the verge. But don't try to push things without the HR support unless you don't need the job.

Another interpretation:

Perhaps the manager saying, "You're very clearly male right now," might have been intended to respect the way you have been presenting your gender, at least in her mind. In other words, she is respecting the fact that you are, as you said, stacking the deck against yourself. I'm not saying it's definitely that, but it very well could be what she meant.

If management says the ball is in your court, very well then -- give them a date you are comfortable with, and when it comes, start stacking the deck in the other direction. If they have a problem with that, they'll tell you. You might want to have a brief meeting with coworkers beforehand where your manager (or HR or whoever) can give your coworkers a heads-up; specifically that they need to use the right name and pronouns to refer to you, and that nothing else should change. Except the bathrooms.

I think time will solve the problem.

Barbie~~

You HAVE to use the ladies room?!?! I lost my job for refusing to use the men's room(I'm MTF).

No, you misread that. I will have to when I no longer look male, which I clearly don't right now. 

I've gone back and forth about the HR manager (who does actually look and dress like a witch), but I think the combination of talking with me about this in uncomfortable places twice and the rest of it has me on guard towards her. The idea of courting a lawyer is probably a good one in the coming weeks as I have time as school winds down. Mid dec-mid Jan is going to be busy as all hell for me juggling transition, work, school, and possible job searching for another job. Bad time of year for that, though.

Other news today, after the stupid bitch who answers the phones at my doctor's office refused to listen to me and take the message I asked her to give the doctor, requiring 4 phone calls to straighten out - i got a script for dutas. I pay over $700 a year out of pocket for it so hopefully insurance will cover it at $10/month. I'm annoyed at the bitch on the phone and won't let it happen again. I'm a little annoyed I had to use my male name (one of the calls back was saying "We can't find you in our records" "It's under Malename" "...oh") when the doctor himself told me to always use my female name. But once they got the correct message to him he called me directly, asked me how many I need per month, and called it in. Love him.

I overheard some people in one of my classes talking about someone they thought was a woman in the beginning... but he does have breasts.... wonder who that was 

I just kind of laughed. I mean I'm in too good of a mood these days for bull->-bleeped-<- like any of that to really bother me, and besides - dude had to have stared at my boobs.

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Post Merge: November 15, 2009, 10:43:23 PM

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Well I talked to my manager and she said yeah - pretty much we'll just work with you when you think it's time. Nothing really special. Once the changes are undeniable I'll have to change but I'm free to go at my own pace. She's also asked me some personal questions that I thought were really touching - I do adore my manager. She accidentally called me ma'am the other day too. Heh.


Oh jesus. Yesterday a coworker of mine asked me out. He used the clever "Is that what your boyfriend says?" line to test the waters. My brain said "did he say boy or girl" and my mouth said "I'm single." I gently let him down, but then today he referred to me by 'she.' Oh god hahahah. The guy he was standing next to was a newer associate too so I don't know if he corrected him or not.

This might get awkward.