Im in need of people to talk to about myself. I am transgender but yet i cannot express that around my parents. Im afraid too. I don't know how they would react to it. Its been a hard and troubled life for me. I guess knew i was different from every one else when i started kindergarten. I felt like i was out of place. I would not play with the boys in the class. i did not feel right around them. I would stay around the girls more than any thing. We would play dress up and every thing and have a good time. Well that was until my teacher got concerned about me and tried to keep me away from the girls. She tried to push me towards boy stuff but i just ended up curled up in a ball over in the corner. I was always in the concealers office. I was starting to drift in a dark place in my heart. After about 2 years of this i was to the point of not caring. I forced my self to play with the boys and was not happy doing it. Every time my parents would see me they saw i was not happy and they would want to talk about it. But i would just curl up into a ball and put my head between my legs. I was starting to look at the girls dresses when we went shopping for clothes. They looked so nice. I wanted to wear on so bad. but i knew better than to tell any one that. then came a time in the 3rd grade. i wish would of never ended. I was at my aunts house to stay a week. she had two girls. one of them was the same age as me. and they got the idea to play dress up. this made me happy. I was put in a baby blue sun dress with white tights. and a pair of black mary janes. I felt so good wearing then stuff. And my Aunt took notice of that right away. So she took out on to the back deck and asked me if i liked girls clothes. I said yes I like them alot. they feel so nice. I have always wanted pretty clothes of my own. I remember the look on her face. It was a sweat look. She took me into her arms and told me if I wanted to I could wear girls clothes the rest of my stay. I was so happy i gave her such a big hug and kiss. Ah that was the best week of my life. I was able to be me. But a year later my parents got separated and my mom took custody of me. This was not going to turn out good. I could see it comming. a month passed and we moved in with her new boyfriend.  and two months after that they got married. Another year went by with out any problems. then he started getting mean to me and my mother. and the years passed as we stayed there. every day was a loosing battle in my heart. I could not take the pain no more. My 6th grade year I had a mean teacher who seemed to hate me. One night after school i sat in my room on the floor. just crying. it seamed like the whole world was against me. I had a knife in my hand and held it to my wrist. I was going to end every thing. I was tired of living a lie. I knew then i was not supposed to be a boy. i should of been born a girl. and my stepfather just added to the pain. But a set there with the knife to my wrist when my mother knocked on the door. I didn't answer she kept on trying before she finnaly picked the lock and came into the room fixing to give me a peice of her mind when she saw the knife on my wrist. SHe moved quick to make sure i didn't have time to hurt my self. Sh threw the knife to the side of the room and embraced me and asked me why i would want to do such a thing. I told her i wanted to die i was not happy here. She took every sharp thing in the house that she could find and locked it away. and watched me close for the next few years. Then came my junior year of high school. I was sitting in my room when i heard them start fighting. I lost control of my self. I went into the living and he started in on me. I took a swing and hit him right in the jaw but i did not stop. i kept hitting him not giving him time to even tried to defend himself. I was on a mission to kill him. the person who caused me the most pain in my life. I didn't care what would happen to me. I got him to the floor and he was out cold. And i kept on. finally my mom was able to get me off of him. I remember standing over him watching him struggle to breath. I yelled die mother F*@#@$ die and i meant it. he suffered a broken jaw and broken nose. a busted lip two black eyes. and a fractured skull. he would have died that night if my mom didn't stop me. I went to live with a friend after that. And then she moved out and got an apartment and i came back to live with her. Now i am living with my father. trying to help him as much as i can. I dont know why i even try to kill my step father. Im not a person who likes violence.  but any way im here now trying to figure out what to do next. how should i go about telling my parents about me being transgender. im confused and angry at my self. can some one help me.   

Hi byxman,

First thing, realize that your not alone and your not the first to feel this way.

Second, you need to find someone you can confide in who can hep sort out the questions answers and confusion that comes with all these feelings. I don't know your age or situation but a counselor either through a clinic, school or possibly even work may help, preferably one who knows about gender issues.

Third, when the feelings of wanting to die or just escape this world start getting strong, promise to call someone or visit here before it gets too strong. again, you are not alone. Many of us have had those feelings or something close to it. talk to someone, even if it means crying your eyes out or getting angry. You are allowed to feel those things and need to release them somehow. You can do that with out leaving all the possible things you have yet to experience.

Fourth, Don't take this wrong but have a hug. or more.    ok one more

Now I hope that you are a tad calmer. Take a deep breath, look in our list for counselors in your area, Make a plan on what to do next. It is ok if you don't follow it since at the moment it is only a rough draft idea anyway. Mine don't get much past that since I change them all the time, but I do have a plan. It can give you a reason to go on sometimes, slim as it may be, sometimes its enough to get through just a little longer.


Let me know if you would like to talk more. At least post and let us know your ok or something.

Hi byxman,

Welcome Honey, Life has been very cruel and difficult for you, but you are obviously a very brave girl who has has stood upu for herself and for your Mum. Well done. I don't condone violence either but sometimes it comes out.

As LordKat said can you talk to a school counslor or a family doctor? Is you Aunt still available to talk to? Even by letter or email?

Don't post your age unless you are over 18 (that sounds a bit silly that way doesn't it ) But the rule is for your protection.

Now you have found us I hope you realise that we are all a big family, we all have had similar problems. We know what it feels like. So don't be afraid anymore. We understand and fell free to chat away to us about any problems you are having.

But do remember, suicide is NO answer. Please don't go down that path, some of us have, and thankfully many of us failed. You sound a lovely young woman with a whole life ahead to enjoy; we just have to get over the bumpy bits.

Hugs and Kisses

Cindy

Having read your post and though on it for a while, I agree with the sentiments stated above.  Go to the school counselor, or better still find a gender therapist.

You were a brave girl to defend your Mom and yourself.  With all of the frustration and angry that you let build up over those short years, your step father was the last straw and he became the target of all those hidden feelings.  Even the most non-violent person will strike back when pushed.

If your father is semi-supportive, talk to him and see if he is willing to help.  EVen if it means that he will let you express of true self can be helpful.

And remember that we are family here.

And now for some more legal stuff.


Hi Byxman,

Welcome to our little family. Over 3600 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister.

And be sure to check out

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Blessed Be.
Janet

yes it has been a long hard road for me. so many things that i have not been able to enjoy in life. The only thing that keeps me from going crazy now days is being able to talk to people like you on the internet. And if you want to you can call me Amanda I love that name. Its what my aunt called me when i got to be a girl for a week. I do get to talk to her through e-mail but its not the same as in person. I need shoulder to cry on . i wish i could talk to my father about it. but im afraid of what he might say. Im afraid he will not want me to live with him any more. he's an old fashion type of guy. and new things scare him. he thinks a boy should be outside all day working rain or shine. I may be a boy on the outside but on the inside im all girl. I am writing a fictional story at the moment to about a boy who becomes a girl. It shows alot of the pain that i have built up in my life. within the text. But i still sometimes think of suicide but i cant bring my self to do it. the last time i thought about it. I was dating a girl who new about me being transgender and supported me. she was a bisexual. she also had 2 kids that i loved and would do any thing for them. their ages was 2 and 6 months. the relationship lasted 5 months and then she left me for someone else. i was heart broken. i did not know what to do. I just went and stayed with one of my friends cause i did not trust my self. But after about a week i was ok enough to be by myself. I even bout the 2 year old a party dress and sent it to her for her birthday. but i have to get off here now. I have some things that i have to do before it gets much later.

*Hugs*

I love your name Amanda. So Amanda you will be called cause that is what you want.

I am sure most if not all will agree, that we are here to talk to. This is your Post come back and talk anytime you want.

I feel for you. As Janet Lynn, Cindy and LordKat have said, Try to see the School Counselor.

If your Dad has insurance find out what kind, go to the Companies website and see if they have a Find a Doc Option. Pick out Mental health and pick a therapist from the list. You may want to choose 3 or 4 to call and see how you feel about them when you first talk to them on the phone. Pick one you feel comfortable with. I happen to get lucky and felt comfortable with the first one I spoke to.

*Hugs* We are here for you. You are not alone in this.

thanks. And i meant to say it last time by i am no longer in school. I graduated from high school and have not been able to get into college. Things keep coming up and im not able to at the time. My father is unemployed at the moment and has no insurance. and neither do. I lost mine back in January. I was able to keep it long enough to pay for a surgery that was done. I had a cyst removed from my back side and it took forever to heal. And i do not have a job now either. physically im able to work but mentally im not. i have turret syndrome in my neck. and under great deals of stress i have a seizure. I was carried from school 8 times over it. and work 4 times. And it poses a danger to my neck if it happens to much more. I would love to stay on here and write you some more put i have to go.

love ya guys,
Amanda

Amanda

After reading your story I want to say good for you, sticking up for yourself.  Life is long and we all have to do that from time to time.  Hopefully not to the physical level you accomplished.

It means you have spirit girl!  Where there's a will you can find a way.  Taking even small steps can make you feel better.  Long hair, clear polish on the nails.  maybe some girls jeans.

My own son had a difficult time in school and was contemplating suicide like you.  I would have done anything to help.  There may be more to your dad then you think.

Hi again Amanda,

Keep hanging in there girl. You'r sounding a bit less despairing, now that's good. Feeling sorry for ourselves is something we all do but we have to try and fight it. I presume you are in the USA, I'm in Australia so cannot really help in the American system. Someone posted previously about free and possibly online therapists in America,you may find a reference in previous posts. I think Nero knew something about them, try asking him. He only bites on days with a y in them  . Janet may also know, she is a fount of knowledge .
And do remember as old1 posted little things can help. Polish the toe nails, a spray of perfume. a nice pair of panties or even pretty socks can lift a girls spirit. And guess what? It isn't weird 'cos you are a girl.

Hugs
Cindy

thanks for all your suport but after today i will need way more of it. I had volunteered to go and help clean a war vets house today. Well I wore hair clips out. I got there and started cleaning and the vet was just watching me. I was unsure why. But i did not dare to ask him. I found out before i left. He approached me. And I could tell by the look in his eyes that he was not happy. He pushed me forcing me back off the porch of his house. I fell was knocked out for i dont know how long. I woke up in an ambulance. And was scared out of my mind. they started asking me all sorts of questions. and this was just scaring me more. But upon arriving at the hospital I met a cop and he told me the old man was mentally insane. He asked me if i wanted to press charges against him. And i said no. The last thing i need is to be in Court. That would destroy me. The cop was a nice guy though. He asked me why i was wearing the hair clips. And I told him. Im not what I appear to be. I am a girl. Sure I have a boys body but that don't mean a thing. He seamed to understand. He had me sign some papers and he left. I was released just 2 hours ago. So i still have a slight head ace. But what i said to the cop was a good point. In todays society gender is over rated. If a boy is seen wearing nail polish or wearing some kind of girls clothing he is considered a sissy or gay. but if a girl is seen wearing boys clothes its ok. But im not gay or a sissy IM A GIRL for crying out loud why cant people see that.
sorry i had to vent a little.

Amanda     

*Hugs*
That is why this is your post Amanda. Vent all you want. Talk all you need to. We are here to listen and help do what we can for you by being here.

Man, I always come in late to the welcome parties.  Oh, well, I'll get it eventually.

Hello, Amanda! I am sorry that you've been having such a hard time. You sound like you're feeling at least a little better since your first post, and that's good. We're all here to help you; listen, give advice, give general support, etc. So if you need anything, we're always here.

In your situation, I would suggest seeking a councilor. I don't have much opportunity to see one, but I've heard good things from the people on this site. If you think it is a good idea, I would tell your dad about your situation. If you can't talk to him directly, send him an email, or write him a letter. That gives you a chance to organize exactly what you want to say, and you don't have to worry about not being able to get your message to him through tears (it's very difficult; I know from experience). But whatever you decide to do, let us know how it goes! 

I look forward to seeing you around the forums.

Hello Amanda,

Such a pretty name - a good choice.  As others have said, welcome to a group of friends here.  Everyone has a different story, and some are much worse.  Is't that just the way it is, you deliberately work to help someone, and that happens.  Let's assume that it may be service related stress; that does not excuse it, just maybe explain it.  I assume the volunteer people are aware of what happened.  They most certainly have a responsibility for your safety, and should save their good work for people who are not dangerous to the people that come to help them.  Your were not at fault - someone was not on the ball there.

If I missed it, I'm sorry, but is your aunt available?  She sounds very understanding and caring.  Perhaps she can help.

Please visit your friends here often.  We want to do what we can to help you deal with everything.

SusanKG

Hey there Amanda,

You and I have had very very very similar stories. I never like it when I hear about someone else experiencing the pain I did. Makes me sad  But on one respect, we can really understand each other. Message me anytime you need someone to talk to or vent. I think we are around similar ages too.

Best wishes to you girl. I'm keeping you in my thoughts *hug*
-James
p.s. huzzah for the cool police dude --> 

Nightly run through Of the Boards. Wanted to say Hi Amanda! Hope you are doing well. Thinking aboout you.

Amanda,

I used to feel for years that I was just screaming "Why can't you see me?" but so silently because it just wasn't allowed. I can understand that so very well. It was one of the pressing reasons for wanting to transition.

As to venting, your not the first, you won't be the last, welcome to the neighborhood on that part.