Something I was not expecting was it simply did not feel right being on the spiro. Perhaps the thing that bothered me most was the complete obliteration of my libido. It felt like I had lost my sexuality altogether. I hated that - it was like Austin Powers losing his Mojo. I lost my Mojo  , but it is comming back, along with my energy. Also I felt like I was losing more than I was gaining. I felt like I was risking my relationship. I was losing my sexuality, I was losing my feeling of self posession and felt like I was becoming vulnerable. I guess my strength has always been quite important to my sense of self.

This sort of leaves me in limbo a bit. Hormone therapy always seemed liked the holy grail. But the more I think about it the more I am thinking that actually things will be fine. It has been a huge year - coming out, expressing myself as I like, controling the depression. All these things considered my dysphoria has been largely absent. There are things that bother me - like body hair, wide shoulders not looking right in clothing, but I don't think I actually fell dysphoric about those. Being on Finasteride for hair loss I have also had a bit of breast swelling which perhaps will continue. That would be cool. I think I have made a little more peace with the old body. Body hair is one thing I dislike - But there is always lazer/shaving/waxing/epilation. Maybe I'll invest in one of those home laser machines...Shrug.

I guess this is a good resting spot on my gender journey. It is a weird feeling, like I have arrived wherever that is and not sure what to do now that I am here. I still have some things I am working on - bit of electrolysis to clear the straglers on the face and that little hitler moustache of hair the laser did not seem to touch, improve the wardrobe. I'm writing a book about my 'trans experiences'. I'll change my name early next year. Maybe I can finally start living, maybe I have already started.

*hugs*

whatever works, go for it

big hugs nicky, it take a lot to say that something int right on this journey so big respect to you for that. i hope you find the balance you are looking for.

There is nothing wrong with trying different things on this journey, Nicky. So you tried the hormones and found out what they are all about, and maybe it's not right for you. That's fine It's all part of finding your place in this strange world.

I also noticed the same effects that you listed, along with being sleepy and cold all of the time. I now understand why women always have a sweater lying around - because they are COLD 

you gave it a whack, that's what's important.

Nicky- Everybody has their own boat to row across this ocean of life; at least you're not letting yourself drown.  And it even sounds like you're catching a good wave.

XX,
Rachel

(There are "home laser removal machines"?  OMG!  I've gotta put that into my search engine.  I'd link it here for ya, but I've already had my fingernails ripped out for putting other links up.)

I'll let you post any link into those if you have some! Particulalry if you find any good reviews. I suspect most of them are a bit low powered. The good home ones seem to only do 1 hair at a time as far as I can see.

Quote from: Nicky on November 25, 2009, 02:53:19 PM
I'll let you post any link into those if you have some! Particulalry if you find any good reviews. I suspect most of them are a bit low powered. The good home ones seem to only do 1 hair at a time as far as I can see.

The one I was actually able to find comes from Israel, and it cost $500 before tax.  It's a hand-held device with a plug-in cord leading from it.  And I think you're right about the one hair at a time thing, because the review said, "You have to be very patient". *shrugs*

(Also, apparently, the FDA only approves home laser devices that can't be used for the face because there's the likely possibility of someone putting their eye out.  I guess maybe the "approved" ones won't work with thick beard hairs?)

XX,
Rachel

Maybe, I think there was talk about them in the hair removal formums, I'll have a look. I think a lot of them say don't use them on your face.

I saw one review that said that you can get IPL ones and laser ones. One reviewer said it took 15 minutes to do a whole leg with one machine and 40 minutes with the other. That actually does not sound too bad, and hairs fell out - like 30-70% reduction on one pass. No word on long term effectivelness though.

Have a read of the following:
http://hairremoval.about.com/od/lase1/a/home-laserhair.htm

I have a friend who says spiro ruined her sex drive and it's driving her nuts. She's having the orchi to get rid of that.

Personally, I was still horny as hell on spiro. I was just exhausted til I started estrogen too.

Respect for how far you've come allready in being yourself! Just take a rest, enjoy the person you are right now, enjoy life the way you are right now and when the feeling is right and you feel it's necessary to 'shape yourself' some more, than do it. But don't rush things (as if I'm the 'proffesional' here ;-).

Anyways: 'The good home ones seem to only do 1 hair at a time as far as I can see'. Sounds like a great meditative activity while there's nothing on TV again. Anyways, I'm concidering the purchase of one of those hair-removal devices as well, so let me/us know when you found one that works good.

Thanks Enki, I think you are right, sit back and enjoy. I'm in no particular hurry at this point seeing as I don't really have much of a destination at this point.

Ah, I got it wrong, the 'cheap' ones do one hair at a time...

I've been reading mixed reviews. Sounds like it is a bit hit and miss whether they work or not, but the concensus for home IPL seems to be that there is no chance of getting permanant reductions (but it is like an expensive epilator in terms of results), but there is a chance for the home laser ones. Plus the laser ones don't appear to wear out. The IPL ones seem to require you to keep buying cartriges.

There seems to be two main ones for the home lazer machines. There is one made by Rio and another called the Tria.


It is funny Autumn, I thought that if you lose the drive then you don't exactly miss anything, but that was not the case for me. Like your friend it drove me nuts too. It totally colored how I related to everyone.

Nicky, glad to hear you're finding a spot that feels right for you. I've been on this gender journey for over 15 years now, and still figuring it all out. I think what makes it particularly tricky is lack of societal recognition for more than two genders.

Z

I had to admit that I was wondering about your meds... but in terms of state of mind I can 100% empathise..

I say I'm not in transition, but to control the GID there is a "slow drift" that I cannot stop.

To rush it would be a disaster, and to try to stop it is hopeless.. a little controlled release, and "time-out" to try and live, is something we need to make the most of.

Quote from: Nicky on November 25, 2009, 08:16:15 PM
There seems to be two main ones for the home lazer machines. There is one made by Rio and another called the Tria.

I have the top of the range scanning Rio 60x, and can answer any questions you may have about it and how well it works, either here, or on pm if you like..



Chrissty

I'm looking at getting the 40x. I should be able to get one cheap on trademe.

I guess the only important question is, does it work? Does not bother me if it takes ages.


I'm seeing the endo again early next year and my counsellor and will talk about it then. I think I just need some space to mull things over.

I am feeling much happer now. I think the increased dosage of antidepressants is starting to help, plus I am getting much more sleep. Things are looking up. I still have some stabs of dysphoria, but they seem to be rather manageable at this stage. I wonder how much of my reaction to the spiro was caused by being depressed. Hard to say. I am taking that into account though.

I think our situation is like Dekard says at the end of the original "Blade Runner" movie, it's best to enjoy what you have while you can... "it may not last, but then nothing does..."

Quote from: Nicky on November 29, 2009, 01:41:48 PM
I'm looking at getting the 40x. I should be able to get one cheap on trademe.

I guess the only important question is, does it work? Does not bother me if it takes ages.

On the laser, the big problem with all the Rio's is the size of the head. The scanning area is about 1cm square, but it is located in the middle of a 4cm round head with two safety contacts "outboard". This makes targeting difficult, and upper lip almost impossible. On the chin, I found myself holding my finger on one of the safety contacts to keep it running in the necessary position.

The scanning mechanism is crude, so you can feel the mechnism "clunk" as it moves a scanning pitch. The pain is horrible, as the process can take over a minute and the laser feels like it burns the skin. If it finds a blemish or spot it will burn it with some pain. A pro-treatment is a "zap" of pain, but this system is a slow painful burn which is much harder to take. 

I could just about see some patchy results on maximum, but they are nothing like a professional treatment, and are very blotchy/patchy with some localised skin damage.

From what I have heard the Tria is a lot less painful and has a small enough head to target areas, but long term results aren't much better ....so I'd stick with the pro-salon, where even 3 correctly timed sessions should give a better result.



Chrissty

I started Spiro + est. at just about the same time as I went on SSRIs.  Pretty much destroyed the libido.  That was ok as it then matched up closer to my wife's.  After several years I stopped the SSRIs but my libido remained very low.  I was always concerned about the spiro because most of the food I like (fresh fruit + veggies in bright colors) are high in potassium, which combined with a low salt intake can be a problem.  I recently changed doctors, expressed my concerns, and he put me on medroxyprogesterone injections.  My libido is back.  I had forgotten how pleasant the OCCASIONAL sexual fantasy can be.  My orgasm is more whole body and dry, but at least it is complete, satisfying, and mentally cleansing.  Totally unlike the spiro.  YMMV, but it certainly helped me.

Actually the SSRIs have also reduced my labido too (probably the finasteride is not helping either). But for me the current level is quite comfortable.

I was more thinking of getting the laser for legs and chest. I think I'll give it a go. I have found enough plausable reviews to suggest it has some effect. Also I am patient and not expecting over night improvements. The amount I can buy the machine for would be much less than one professional laser session so I think it is worth the gamble.

(I'm currently cleaning up the straglers from my previously lasered face with some electro - really enjoying it for some weird reason. Finding the pain totally managable and rather interesting to examine)

You don't necessarily have to stop hormones. You could wait until you feel like yourself, then start up again on low dose spiro [DELETED DOSAGE] or some other antiandrogen, also starting up again with estros. They wouldn't be utilized as efficiently as before [when you were on full testosterone blockage] but you'd still be getting something extra that with time could prove to be in balance with your goals.
    I'm sure you've considered that but if not...

Two questions: were your T levels normal after spiro (i.e., at least at normal female levels)? And were you on E?

Because if not, that might be an issue. As for libido, I definitely still have it, but it feels different, and it was a bit of an adjustment. I felt as though my libido and my emotions were more in line. That's with a standard dose (compared with what other people I know take) of both E and spiro, and I started both the same day.

I like your new profile picture, by the way. Your smile is infectious.