hi i am stacey an
    i find myself more and more confused about things. i grew up in what i always thought was a typically male manner,but i am finding my self more and more attracted to living my life as a woman. part of what i'm facing is the fact that i am in my 40's now having though all along that i was just another man, then all of a sudden alot of deeply buried memories started to come to the surface. things like prefering to be playing with my sisters dolls , or dressing up in my mom's clothes and make up to play around the house. i have been on this sight long enough to read some of the postings that have been listed and they have helped some, but i am definately feeling rather lost right now. have  i been ignoring my male body because it is just not the right one. i sit here typing this post dressed in women's clothing feeling like i have finally gotten things right by opening myself up to these feelings and letting them run free. i went to the sight suggested by tinkerbell about testing to see if you have either  a male or a female brain and i found out that i am about 20% into the female side.this has confirmed a little of what i am beginning to see, but it does not help to alleviate the confused thoughts that are running through my mind. i mean even the act of openly referring to myself as stacey has been such a release that i was close to tears. there is probably more i could say but my thoughts are just so confusing it makes me feel like there is no such thing as up. i would truly appreciate your thoughts and suggestions on this     
                               with thanks and love stacey

well..1st..hello.........and welcome.

2nd

stay around.  maybe some of us can help.

3rd "I" couldn't FIND that test.........

take care

Hi Staceyann,

Welcome to Susans.

You have found a wonderful resource in which to discuss your feelings, listen to other peoples experiences and learn through a variety of mediums.

I transitioned at 38 and I am now a confident, happy and well balanced woman. Age is not an issues and we only have one life, it is important we are allowed to be who we truly are.

Finding where we are in our own personal struggle is important, before we define where our Journey is going. So pleasetake your time, ask questions, visit us in Chat and explore the information in our online wiki.

Everyone here can help, but professional medical help is a step that you may need in the future via counselloring and a trained Gender Therapist.

Buffy

Indeed ! Welcome Stacyan
...
seriously... seak guideance from a gender theropest... because I believe all Males have these questions that crop up... it doesn't make you crazy, just human !
if you were brave enough to speak to us after lurking in the shadows then you are serious enough to need counceling from a professional.
20% doesn't sound like much, However is it the 20% thats on the top  ? or 20% thats on the bottom ?  (not physicaly but mentially.).. in otherwords 20% can be a great deal, it just depends upon the individual.  those tests can be misleading too so take them with a grain of salt.
.......
Again.... Welcome... and don't be a stranger.... POST ! <grin>

.....

Bob.......

Hello Stacey and welcome to Susan's!  pleased to meet you!

Thank you so much for your introduction.  We are indeed a wonderful support site with many members in different stages of transition, so please feel free to visit all the forums, get familiar with the site rules here, and explore our wiki where you will find plenty of valuable information regarding transgender issues.

Although some of us experience feelings of gender incongruity at a very early age, most of us do not want to deal with our true feelings until much later in life.  The reasons for this are many, family pressure, society issues, financial reasons, career choices, etc.  In fact, there is not a definite age in which we have to make the change, for everything depends on our own situation and possibilities.

The first step to explore your feelings and options is to see a gender therapist; as time passes, your gender therapist and you will discuss your diagnosis and choose the alternatives you have to deal with your issues.  For a complete list of gender therapists in the US, please see this link.

Please keep asking questions and posting your threads and comments on the many different topics we have.  Welcome and enjoy your stay!

tinkerbell

Hi Stacey,
    And welcome. Firstly, age don't have anything to do with self discovery. Due to various reasons I found out at the age of 38. At first, my wife and I thought I was TS and we were working on understanding that until we found out I am also biologically female in that I have female and male organs, but the predominate ones are female. It can be scary at first and counselling is an option to be explored to help you through it. Every one of us travel the road differently and have different needs to be dealt with on the journey. This is certainly an excellent group to help you. Best of luck. 

i just want to say thank you for the responses. it definately helps to know that there are others who understand what some of the issues i am beginning to face. i am looking forward to exploring susan's place more fully.

Welcome, Staceyan!

I didn't figure out who I really was 'til two weeks before my 50th birthday, so as far as I'm concerned you're ahead of the game!  This site has tons of stuff that will help ease your confusion.  Feel free to post and ask questions.

again, WELCOME ! ! 
helen

Stacey,

Hi!! I'm Julie, it's very nice to meet you!!
You have some serious things to think over my dear.  Do you live in an area that offers you any sort of therapy? Going to a therapist to discuss what you are feeling can do wonders for you.
My therapist is not a gender therapist but rather a licensed clinical social worker with a master's degree.
He brought himself up to speed concerning Transsexualisim andeverything that goes with that term and I consider him a true asset and friend. You too could find someone to speak with. This should be your first step in dealing with your feelings. You are in your 40's your still young. I just turned 40 this past July.
You'll be fine. Stick around here with us and keep reading and posting.

Julie

hi julie
    right now i am living in the twin cities area, and i have found out that it is an area that has made some good steps to pass laws to help the glbt community. i will definately going to start looking for a therapist as soon as i can, but my situation is that i am a student at the le cordon bleu culinary school and will be moving somewhere else in only a few more months.reading some of the posts on this sight and learning that i am far from being alone in what is awakening in me, has been a real blessing and one for which i am greatful                        stacey

 it definately helps to know that there are others who understand what some of the issues i am beginning to face.
stacey
===============

yep'r  we iz heah fer ya hun'chile......y'all jes gotta spoke right up..we iz all ears sugah.
========
seriously hun...talk to us...we'll listen

ROFLMAO !
Veronica YOU NUT !!!!!
hehehehehe
Sho Nuff ! taint no big ting, wez help all wez can !

Bob....

do you ever get those days when you just aren't sure what way is up any more. you see things going on around you people having fun participating in the life that surrounds them.and the only thing that you have on hand is an empty apartment with no one to touch and share it with. just a stranger in a strange town. last year at this time i dropped out of the work force to follow a dream of mineto go to culinary school the le cordon bleu in the twin cities. for the most part it has been really great especially finding myself with a straight 4.0 average, but lately even this has started to feel like its rather flat and lifeless.i just don't know right now. part of me would like to find a good hole to crawl into and yet another part says to keep going its ok.and then you add into the mix my newly awakening desire to let the woman inside of me be free and unfettered of this bulky male body and my mind starts to reel and race again. going back to trying to figure out which way is up.but again a definate thank you knowing that some one is out there and can hear this
                                                                 stacey ann

Hi Stacey,

It's wonderful that you found this site.  I think you'll find the information and support from all the wonderful people here invaluable.  As you have probably noticed, many have urged you to seek a gender therapist; it is a worthwhile path regardless of what you eventually decide.

I too am in the Twin Cities area and you are absolutely right about the climate here.  Though you said you may not remain here, perhaps a few inquiries would still be worthwhile.  Did you know that the U of MN is a wonderful resource for TGs and HBIGDA is headquartered in Minneapolis?

Also, your comment about being 20% "into the female side" triggered a thought.  Early on, I read an article that described how males (who would be MtFs) develop a "male mask" to deal with life.  It continued that if one decides that they are, in fact, TS and begin to shed that mask, it allows the "real" self to emerge.  In other words, I think the path of discovery  is much more relevant than the results of some test. 

Welcome to Susan's and good luck!

Shayna

Quote from: staceyan on September 25, 2006, 09:35:40 PM
do you ever get those days when you just aren't sure what way is up any more. you see things going on around you people having fun participating in the life that surrounds them.and the only thing that you have on hand is an empty apartment with no one to touch and share it with. just a stranger in a strange town.

Stacey Ann, when I read this a thought crossed my mind - have you ever considered the idea of helping with the cooking at a food kitchen or the like?  It would get you more human contact, allow you to serve the community in a really important way and have a great opportunity to apply your knowledge to a challenging situation, namely cooking good tasting food given a rather limited list of ingredients (I'm assuming on that point but it seems to be a fair one).

Just a thought .. .. ..
helen

Stacey;

  There is really nothing I can add to the wonderful advice already given but to say hello, welcome, and don't worry too much about test results.

  I discovered what all of my life-long confusion was at almost 50. The first test I took made me wonder too but the more open I was to my inner self the more those test results changed. Although they mean little, I use them to see where I'm going. My first was about 40% male but after shedding what I "should be" and just being "me" my last was about 11% male.

  You'l do just fine. Don't let tests get you down. You know what you are regardless of what a test says. Just be "you" hon.

  May God bless you.

  Tiffany

hi helen
    yes i have considered working at a one of the many shelters around the area. one of the things that i am truly happiest about is the fact that i was able to get my school to start doing meals for the local ronald mcdonald house on a regular basis. and from the enthusiasm that i have seen from both the people at RMH and at the school it looks like it will be a permeneant thing

  Hi Stacey

  I've been trying to catch up on my forum posts because, honestly, I've found myself a little overwhelmed lately.  Therefore I appologize for not saying "Hi" earlier. 

  It's amazing how often I read a post on this site and realize how much it mirrors my own life.  I used to think that all these crazy thoughts and feelings I had were things that were individual to me and that created a huge loneliness in my life.  Through sites such as "Susan's" I have slowly come to see that I'm not alone even when I am physically alone.  These people here, regardless of gender or orientation or any lack of either, are some of the most incredible people I have ever met.  If you choose to stay with us long enough I have no doubt you too will come to feel the same way.  You will never be alone here...that I promise you sis.   

  I think your issues with school are due to the depression that can often come with gender identity issues.  The fact that you took on such a school as "Le Cordon Bleu" and maintain such a great GPA proves you have the stuff to be a great chef.   You haven't lost any joy for cooking you are just experiencing a little low time that is keeping you from seeing how much you enjoy what you are doing.  My suggestion is see a therapist experienced in gender therapy and see if perhaps you might benefit from some anti-depressant medication. 

  I would LOVE to attend "Le Cordon Bleu" and I find myself admiring your courage and heart Stacey.  I think at this point what you need most is just time.  Time to explore yourself and find your boundries.  I would highly recommend finding a TG support group in your area just to meet with like minded individuals and maybe even make a friend.  Attending the group in no way is an affirmation of who you are...only an opportunity to see who you may be. 

 

Quote from: staceyan on September 25, 2006, 09:35:40 PM
do you ever get those days when you just aren't sure what way is up any more. you see things going on around you people having fun participating in the life that surrounds them.and the only thing that you have on hand is an empty apartment with no one to touch and share it with.

Absolutely....more often than I want to admit but yes.  I have a roommate but she has a life of her own so most days/nights I am alone.  It's a temporary feeling girl......it won't be that way all the time

 
  P.S.  I hope you stay here with us at "Susans" because I need help with my bechamel sauce 

Welcome, Stacey.

I may be the slowest of learners.  I didn't begin to accept who I am until I was 58 and had SRS on my 63rd birthday. 

When you know where you'll be going next, you can look up therapist/counselors at the International Intersex Organization link at our links site.

Robyn

hi brandiok
unfortunately i will be unable to help you with the bechamel sauce,i am studying the baking and pastry course that they offer here.i will talk to some people at school and get some ideas for it though. but in the mean time if you would need the recipe for a great cake or two. i will be happy to share. i came across a incredible recipe for a ancho chili chocolate flourless cake
        with thanks love stacey an