There isn't too much point to this. I guess I'm just talking for hearing myself talk (or, rather typing to see myself type.)

Anyway, as you can see from the title, sometimes I just feel sorry for the people around me. My gender, at the moment, isn't really that big a deal to me. Some people take me as female, some people take me as male. Sometimes I do masculine things, and sometimes I do feminine things. I take it how it is since I can't start therapy or hormones until I'm away from my parents.

But I know it's definitely a big deal for them. Lately people have been taking me as male ("how's your daughter? I didn't know you had a son.) and this is increasingly disturbing to my mother. She's been doing it to me too (you know, what every other FTM's mother seems to have done, try to get me into feminine clothes and to grow my hair out.) I keep getting that "well, when you're older and you grow out of this phase, you're pretty." "Someday, when you have a job and you have to dress feminine, you'll do it." (you can't have an office job in her mind without wasting most of your paycheck on clothing and thick makeup and high heels.)

And my father, I don't know what he'll think. Maybe feel awkward about the years of trying to be subtle with his humour and such and trying to treat my like a girl. Admittedly though, even if he doesn't know I consider myself male, he doesn't hassle me about it. He's pretty cool with the way I am.

There's also the boyfriend, who is real nice and I don't really want to do this to him. He'll either be turned off/offended/hurt/whatever and leave or accept it and have to come to terms with being seen as gay. And then there's the problem of me being increasingly attracted to women, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Not like I'm openly lesbian, or considered male and I doubt there are many women I have a chance with.

And my friends, they'll probably think I'm a freak and stop talking to me but that doesn't matter. I probably won't see these guys once I'm (hopefully) in a college and getting on with life. Probably the same as the boyfriend, but I'd like to think that we might stay in contact, at least for a while.

Meh. . . So basically, just a six-in-the-morning confused ramble about life/feelings/relationships. Because I don't have a blog.

You might be surprised with the support your friends will give you, even the unlikely ones, I know I was. And you would also be surprised at the amount of girls who don't care if you are FtM.

I'm so glad I have the mom that I have right now...
Her parents were overly controlling so she has this "do whatever you want as long as it makes you happy" attitude.

Your parents will always love you. They may not understand you at times, but they will always love you. Keep that in mind when your mom says these things she's probably thinking about what she thinks is your best interest. (I read that last sentence back over and it was a mouth full...)

You may be surprised at how your friends act. This sound like a cliche but it's true, "If they react like that, they weren't your friends to begin with."

Congratulations on being assumed male, by the way.

well like the others have said, I have noticed that it seems like girls accept FTM, more then guys.  I'm gay, I like guys, and see, if you think about it guys like sex, and gay guys really like sex.  Girls tend to care more about emotional parts of a relationship, so what you have/dont have in your pants doesnt seem to be as big of a deal for some girls. so if you lose it with this guy now, and want to be with a girl, it may me easier then you think to find one who accepts you.

As for the having to dress like a woman for work.. what!? Thats just ridiculous, you can dress however you should want for work, as long as it is appropriate and professional.  I know that when I get my job, I will continue to bind, and try to get a name tag with MY name on it. I'm not going to show my boobs because thats what I'm supposed to do.

Quote from: SilverFang on January 05, 2010, 07:50:29 AMShe's been doing it to me too (you know, what every other FTM's mother seems to have done, try to get me into feminine clothes and to grow my hair out.) I keep getting that "well, when you're older and you grow out of this phase, you're pretty." "Someday, when you have a job and you have to dress feminine, you'll do it."

Oh, man... do I ever know that. My mother, grandmother and eventually father did that to me. It was fine when I was a kid, but when I started puberty they went crazy! Yeah, mom, it's just a phase. A phase all my life!

Quote from: SilverFang on January 05, 2010, 07:50:29 AMThere's also the boyfriend, who is real nice and I don't really want to do this to him. He'll either be turned off/offended/hurt/whatever and leave or accept it...

This is a very difficult thing. You need to be honest with him when you feel ready- but don't take too long. The longer it's drawn out the harder it is for both people- especially the other person. They'll get resentful because you didn't tell them your "secret". You never really know how they'll react and what they'll think, you can't control that. But if you wait too long it's harder for everyone involved. Trust me on this.

Quote from: Carson on January 05, 2010, 08:33:43 AM
You might be surprised with the support your friends will give you, even the unlikely ones, I know I was. And you would also be surprised at the amount of girls who don't care if you are FtM.

Hope so. We'll see.

Quote from: Kennedy on January 05, 2010, 09:32:22 AM
I'm so glad I have the mom that I have right now...
Her parents were overly controlling so she has this "do whatever you want as long as it makes you happy" attitude.

Your parents will always love you. They may not understand you at times, but they will always love you. Keep that in mind when your mom says these things she's probably thinking about what she thinks is your best interest. (I read that last sentence back over and it was a mouth full...)

You may be surprised at how your friends act. This sound like a cliche but it's true, "If they react like that, they weren't your friends to begin with."

Congratulations on being assumed male, by the way.

Maybe she'll calm down when I don't live with her any more. That seems to be what just happens. Although she still has this "god didn't create gays" and thinks that lesbians just want to be men thing going on that I can't change. She doesn't listen to reason, you know. She doesn't even know why she believes what she does, that's what she was taught and it's not going to change.

Friends. . . they're just company for me to get my "human contact fix." There are always other people, I've just never been very good at making friends.

Oh, and thanks

Quote from: Elijah on January 05, 2010, 12:17:07 PM
well like the others have said, I have noticed that it seems like girls accept FTM, more then guys.  I'm gay, I like guys, and see, if you think about it guys like sex, and gay guys really like sex.  Girls tend to care more about emotional parts of a relationship, so what you have/dont have in your pants doesnt seem to be as big of a deal for some girls. so if you lose it with this guy now, and want to be with a girl, it may me easier then you think to find one who accepts you.

As for the having to dress like a woman for work.. what!? Thats just ridiculous, you can dress however you should want for work, as long as it is appropriate and professional.  I know that when I get my job, I will continue to bind, and try to get a name tag with MY name on it. I'm not going to show my boobs because thats what I'm supposed to do.

Yep, I'll just hope and see what happens. Maybe I'll stay away from women until I'm on T for a bit and have a decent, not-chipmunk-voice.

I know, but I guess that's what she grew up with. She's not my boss (and she's jobless too so that shows it). If I need to work in a formal area, I'm using a suit (and not one of those women's "power suits").

Quote from: Radar on January 05, 2010, 03:31:47 PM
Oh, man... do I ever know that. My mother, grandmother and eventually father did that to me. It was fine when I was a kid, but when I started puberty they went crazy! Yeah, mom, it's just a phase. A phase all my life!

Yeah, I hope it's not a phase. That's what I've always thought at least, and it sounds odd. Why would I want to be a transsexual? When I thought about it, I realized that if I'm not transsexual I'm stuck living as a woman. Funny how that works out.

Quote from: Radar on January 05, 2010, 03:31:47 PM
This is a very difficult thing. You need to be honest with him when you feel ready- but don't take too long. The longer it's drawn out the harder it is for both people- especially the other person. They'll get resentful because you didn't tell them your "secret". You never really know how they'll react and what they'll think, you can't control that. But if you wait too long it's harder for everyone involved. Trust me on this.

Thanks for the advice. I don't know, I think I'll do this when there's a possibility of transitioning. Right at the start, maybe when I've got a T letter. Because I'm not out to anyone right now. At this point, he'll probably just think of me as a crazy female, maybe going through some sort of odd phase. And I really just want to be taken seriously as who I am, you know? I'm not a joke and I'm not joking.

One of the worst things about this journey, for me, is the knowledge that I'm causing my ex so much pain that he becomes irrational and nasty and bitter.

He has his shortcomings, but he's normally a nice person. Until you throw transsexuality into the mix...

I probably won't see these guys once I'm (hopefully) in a college and getting on with life

If your lucky.  That tends to be the rule.

I've been getting that 'girl clothes' %^&* all week now...

It's funny, that even though she knows @#$% well I hate girl's clothing because I'm uncomfortable wearing it, she still pushes me to do such. Despite her constant urging to 'do what makes me happy'.

Mixed signals. Even more fun than mixed drinks. 

I think it's a natural reaction for parents. If a boy is acting girly, the father will try and man him up while the mother trys to smooth things over. If a girl is acting boyish, the mom will try and pretty her up while the dad usually doesn't care too much.

I get the pushing for girly clothes and looks from my mother and two sisters. Uhg. It's horrible, they always complain that I look like a boy. My sisters joke around by calling me their brother and I just wish they knew that that's what I wanted.

Things should get better, it's just how people are wired usually. Everyone has to fit into their assigned box.

And with the friends, they are usually very supportive. So long as issues haven't arisen before over things as controversial, there should be little to worry about.

Hope you get through things well. Good luck.

Quote from: Arch on January 05, 2010, 11:32:43 PMOne of the worst things about this journey, for me, is the knowledge that I'm causing my ex so much pain that he becomes irrational and nasty and bitter.

He has his shortcomings, but he's normally a nice person. Until you throw transsexuality into the mix...

Is there room at this table to sit down?

Quote from: Cody Oriole on January 06, 2010, 12:14:28 AM
It's funny, that even though she knows @#$% well I hate girl's clothing because I'm uncomfortable wearing it, she still pushes me to do such. Despite her constant urging to 'do what makes me happy'.

Uh, yeah. My mother used to do this. "Pick whatever you want...oh, I don't think you REALLY want that, do you? I think this would be better." And she would choose for me.

I'm glad I'm not a kid anymore.

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Post Merge: January 07, 2010, 10:41:23 AM

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Quote from: Radar on January 06, 2010, 02:24:02 PM
Is there room at this table to sit down?

Heh. Now that we're living separately, we finally seem to be starting a civil dialogue. With communication and everything.

Quote from: No-Name on January 06, 2010, 01:44:04 PM
I think it's a natural reaction for parents. If a boy is acting girly, the father will try and man him up while the mother trys to smooth things over. If a girl is acting boyish, the mom will try and pretty her up while the dad usually doesn't care too much.

I get the pushing for girly clothes and looks from my mother and two sisters. Uhg. It's horrible, they always complain that I look like a boy. My sisters joke around by calling me their brother and I just wish they knew that that's what I wanted.

Things should get better, it's just how people are wired usually. Everyone has to fit into their assigned box.

And with the friends, they are usually very supportive. So long as issues haven't arisen before over things as controversial, there should be little to worry about.

Hope you get through things well. Good luck.

This is usually how it works.  It even has technically happened that way in my family, although for different reasons (my mother used to try to get me to wear less black and scary jewelry, not more girl's clothes necessarily; my sister used to try to convince me to have her make me a dress and then wear it [didn't work], but she would have done it with my brother but she didn't think our father would approve).