QuoteI see my old self as a construct which I built to protect myself and fit in as I was expected to. My heart however is no different than it ever was. I have been and always will be a very compassionate and giving person

Exactly Cassie, the self that everyone has known before was a construction to protect the core self from harm and emotional hurt, it often has little to do with the core self and usually lacks the emotional freedom and self expression of the core.  It is a fine line I myself walk, as the core is not emotionally capible of dealing with the reality of the world and would rather have a world where the white knightess comes to the rescue and love conquers all, happily ever after and all that.

Such is unrealistic however and the environmentally constructed self is designed to defend and protect the core until she can understand and stand on her own, and so core, and environmental are often at distinct odds with one another and often have a love/hate relationship with each other.  One trying to live and the other using any means possible to protect her from herself.

It is only by strengthening the core and putting aside the environmental that one can achieve real peace in the world and within ones self.  Its a long hard road back to core but is necessary though it be very different from the environmental construction everyone has come to know and even love.

Terri

Hi Deb,

You're right the temptation to gush forth with all and sundry is very much there and I do need to control it. She hasn't yet moved to the asking questions stage more just making comments. I'm prepared to wait as long is required to make her feel comfortable and then answer her questions as they arise.

You are very right about wanting to defend the kids. My wifes first responses were to protect them and to cut ties with the threat, me. She is now starting to see that I am not the threat she first perceived. If I were transitioning I think the case may be different however. I think that she will find a way to live with a CD as she won't have to deal with the coming out to everyone as that was never my desire.

Steph you made a comment about thinking my wife was OK with my CDing. I had been progressing to coming out to her and I was starting to think it was going to be a formality as we talked of my softer feminine side, about dresses that we like , styles of shoes and jewellery, even shades of makeup. I was shaving my legs and I thought it was pretty obvious. It apparently was not as obvious as I thought. There you go. I do think that was the biggest shock was probably reading some of the stuff I had written here and the fact that  she mixed up stuff that I had written with that of others. We'll see what progresses from here anyway.

Terri I think that sometimes you under sell yourself. I like to think that I have seen glimpses of that heart in your messages and if you don't mind I'd like to keep thinking of you as one of the big sisters who'll kick you up the .... if I start to think to fancifully. The deep insights that you provide are very thought provoking and that is a good thing especially when things around you and that you have become comfortable with have been changed.

Well I could go on forever but I won't.

Shelley

Thank you Shelley,  Change was and still is the original expectation and is the goal after all, oversell or undersell doesn't change the fact that there is always room to improve, though perfection is hardly obtainable, though desirable.  There was only one perfect person in the history of this world, and look what they did to him.

I don't know about any deep insights, just rambling thoughts from a deeply disturbed mind that has made more then it's share of mistakes and would wish others could learn from them without haveing to be burnt in the fire before doing so.

My only wish and desire is that others who are beginning to understand themselves, keep in focus about what life means to them and what they can realistically do and not do in the real world, all the philosopy and wishfull thinking aside.

You seem to be a thoughtful person and as long as you remain objective and truthful to yourself and your principles, you should do fine, all advice aside.

Continue on Shelley, and may truth always be your guide.

Terri

Dear Shelley

Things do look like they are really looking up. I am very glad for you. As Terri said let truth and honesty be your guide.

I made much the same mistake with my partner is you. She also didn't have much to say to me after and I thought our relationship was about to end. From her views I decieved her and as much as I didn't want to admit it I really did. The silence and small talk I took as a good sign. Please don't get ahead of yourself. The thoughts that were going through her head were "If I leave him, what about the kids", " If I leave him he might start a new life with someone else and I will mean nothing to him", "If I leave him will he become a full time CD". I didn't want my partner to stay with me for the wrong reasons.

I am the lucky one. I did manage to rebuild my relationship. I was a long hard road one that you are only begining. I made big sacrifices and she did too. She doesn't want to know anything about that side of me nor does she want anything to do with any websites or my cd friends. I am only knew to this site and have been only reading rather than joining in. My wife gives me time to myself to do the things that I need but thats as far as it goes. She is happy for me to talk to cd friends through the internet as its not a threat to her.

I just wanted to give you some different objectives from my partners point of view. I hope you are as lucky as I was. I believe she loves you very much. At first she said she could be your friend not your wife. That is her trying to protect herself. She also must love you to be able to be your friend also.

With time I hope she remembers the qualities she fell in love with. My partner can see that the different qualities are  ones of being a cd that made me different to other men.

Gook luck I will be keeping a lookout for you next posts.

Cherrie

Sometimes not much can be done other than to realize we can't do anything and just sit back with a cup o' tea and relax. Things will get better with time. Peace.

Shelly,

I am glad to hear that at least the lines of communication between you and your wife are still open.  Just remember that this has been a tremendous shock to her.  You have had your whole life to try to find out who you really are.  She has been faced with this for only a short time.  In her eyes you are a different person (even if not in your own).  If you can keep communicating not just imformation but your feelings for and about one another there is hope that you can work this out together.  You will know that the two of you are well on your way when you can laugh about this together.  Best of luck to both of you.

Thanks Louise,

We are communicating and we kiss hello and good by but beyond that its pretty much a cold shoulder. I hope this will change. It's a little hard to find time to just ourselves at the moment and when we do her shutters seem to come down. I think she's waiting for me to do something but I'm not sure what.

Here's hoping

Shelley

Quote from: Shelley on August 16, 2005, 08:31:11 PM
We are communicating and we kiss hello and good by but beyond that its pretty much a cold shoulder. I hope this will change. It's a little hard to find time to just ourselves at the moment and when we do her shutters seem to come down. I think she's waiting for me to do something but I'm not sure what.

Hello Shelley.

Hang in there hon, it's going to be tough going but try to stay positive, kissing hello and good bye is great, at least it's not a hand shake    During those quiet times when you are together, maybe she is waiting for you to say or do something.  But, if you ask what's on her mind, be prepared, you may not hear what you are hoping to hear.  Remember you are trying to reconcile, so during those quiet times don't start anything controversial, just keep plodding alone, and when you feel the time is right, maybe then you can start talking about the issues of you being a CD.

Take care,

Steph

Hi Shelley,

Well I was going to impart some words of wisdom here but Steph said exactly what I was thinking. So take her advice, and hang in there baby.

Hugs,

Cassie

I found out a little while ago she has organisaed counselling on her own. I have two concerns there.

One is that the counsellor may not understand about TG issues, particularly the differences between transitioning and CDing. I really get the feeling that my wife thinks that there is only one road to follow.

The second thing is that I offered to go to counselling first and then we could talk about going together, as I thought this is what she wanted. She said she didn't know if she wanted to go and I left it at that. At least if i went first or we went together I could explain my side. I feel like I'm at the whim of this counsellor.

We have been to a counsellor before when she was going through early menopause and that counsellor took sides. It was my side and it didn't help at all. If this counsellor is for what ever reason against TG's I really think I'm at risk of losing her.

I really feel so helpless because everything is out of my control at the moment. At least your all here. It really does help knowing your here.

Shelley.

Hello Shelley

I know exactly how you feel.  My wife started seeing a therapist a while ago and I was worried as you are, that the therapist would advise her to leave me, even though we had/have a wonderful relationship.  I too felt that I wasn't in control, but then I realised that could never be in control of her, she does have a mind of her own, so I stopped worrying about it.  My wife still goes to therapy but not as often and she is even thinking of stopping all together.  One thing to remember is that your wife needs someone other than you to talk to about this.  Without risking embarrassment, she can't really discuss this with her friends, or even family members so a therapist is a logical choice.

Just remember Shell that you can't do anything about her wanting to see a therapist, just try and be positive, and support her in her decision.  I know you fear that through her therapy she may decide to move on and start a new life, and it is an eventuality you may have to face, just be sure that you have plans of some kind should this happen.

I know that staying with your wife  is your goal, and we've chatted about this before, just remember that in order to do that you will probably have to make sacrifices, and compromises in order for this to happen.  I would also seek therapy Shelley, it can't hurt and it would show your wife that you are being pro-active as well, who knows maybe between the therapy you may find common ground you can live with.

Keep us posted, and take care.

Steph

Your right Steph,

This is something she needs to do for herself and its possible that she just needs this time to sort out how she feels about all of this.

I can't help but feel that this is just a slow path to us going our seperate ways. I know I should not think this way and being negative won't help but I feel almost as though this has given her the excuse to break from me without having to just come out and say she wasn't interested in being my wife anymore. I could be wrong and hope I am but it just nags away at the back of my mind.

At least I'll still have my friends here so life can't be that bad eh.

Shelley

Quote from: Shelley on August 18, 2005, 04:29:45 AM
Your right Steph,

This is something she needs to do for herself and its possible that she just needs this time to sort out how she feels about all of this.

I can't help but feel that this is just a slow path to us going our separate ways. I know I should not think this way and being negative won't help but I feel almost as though this has given her the excuse to break from me without having to just come out and say she wasn't interested in being my wife anymore. I could be wrong and hope I am but it just nags away at the back of my mind.

At least I'll still have my friends here so life can't be that bad eh.

Hello Shelley

You will always have your friends here that's for sure.  Strange bunch that we are, at least we listen ha, ha 

I can understand your fears, they are all valid ones, I just wish that i could reassure you that everything will work out for the better and you will live on with your wife, but you know we can't. 

But on the bright side, you are still together, talking, and working through this.  Think back to where you were a week or so ago, and your post that started this thread.  I would have to say that you both have come along way. 

Have patience, just remember that after a life time building your home, it takes but one brief storm to  blow it down, then another lifetime to rebuild it.

Take care hon

Steph

Thanks Steph,

They do say patience is a virtue don't they.

Shelley

Well I'm sure your wondering how things for Shelley turned out.

I've just had a week away for work and while I was away my wife decided that a bottle of wine and an email would be the easiest way to tell me what she had to say. She followed this with a text message to let me know that she had sent the email. Well wasn't that an interesting process.

I received the text message late one night fortunately while I was a sleep. I was, I should add, in a place where while not at the end of the earth you could definitely see it from there, hence no access to the internet. I know that for some of you that means outside of the civilisation barrier. So the next morning I received a message informing me that the wine had given my wife the courage to take the cowards way out by sending me an email. Now think for a moment what that would mean to you. I immediately wrang my wife and my son answered the phone because my wife was driving him to school. I had then to have a pleasant conversation with my son with as you can imagine inner turmoil beyond all reasoning. When my wife dropped my son at school she rang me back. She sounded all happy and I realised that she had obviously come to a decission that had caused a great deal of relief on her part. I was struggling to talk to her but did not want the moment the end with me away from home. Finally I asked her what was in the email and she said "haven't you read it yet". I explained to her that I did not have internet access and she laughed and said it was good. Now my emotions were boiling to the surface and through a facade of tears I asked her good for who? She said for us of course! She said although she was hurt very badly by my lying to her she still loved me and could see us growing old together. The tears for became a tiradeand I was feeling relief beyond belief. My wife still loves me and wanted to stay with me. Still a day and a half before I could come home. What a long time a day can be.

I arrived home yesterday to a very warm hug and more tears.I read her email last night and as you said Steph there will be some sacrifices but nothing like I was prepared to give. Probably the biggest and most scary of them would have been not talking to all of you. Fortunately she can see how my friends here provide me with support and said she is happy for me to talk to you. She's still not happy about the name coincidence and I will probably have to do something about it butit's hard because the names been with me for more than thirty years. So the sacrifices, she does not want to see Shelley or talk about Shelley but she does acknowledge her existence. That's fine with me. She does wish that she didn't know about Shelley and that I had told her in the beginning before we had children. I can understand that. I know that Shelley will remain where she has been since we have been together. I can live with that especially as she can participate in the world here. My friends have become a very important part of my life and the lifelines you have extended to me have helped me deal with this situation sensibly and with understanding. My wife still believes that I need counselling and I agree. This is for unresolved issues in my upbringing that relates to armslength man stuff and violence toward my mother from an abusive stepfather. My wife seems to think the my gender identity is related to this although I think it is more likely that it is highlighted by it. I however am prepared to keep an open mind about it all.

So where am I. I have a loving wife who acknowledges the complex person that I am. I have hurt that person and need to allow time for that hurt to heal. I get to keep all six of my children and continue to share in their love. I have found a group of friends who I know care for and love me and I care deeply for and love right back. So really life can't get much better I am a very rich person who has a lot to be very thankful.

I know I have said this many times before but I think it needs saying again. Thankyou Susan for having the strength to maintain this lovely place and for providing me access to to the lovely people within.

To those who have extended their words of help and encouragement and those who held me for a moment in their thoughts. I thankyou. I will not try to name you all as there is always the rsik of missing onebut you know who you are and I know that you will be happy just knowing you have helped me because you are that sought of people.



 

Hello Shelly.

I am so very happy that you and your wife have managed to work through this together.  The important part is "together" yes there were sacrifices, but small ones compared to the loss you could have experienced.  As long as you are both happy, willing to stay together, work things out together, and grow old together.

I'm so, so happy that I was all teary eyed reading your post so here's a big hug for you both,

Take care hun

Steph

Hi Shelley,

Just read your post here after sending you that PM. Like Steph I'm a bit teary eyed as I write this. But I've always been a crying kind of gal. I am ecstatic for you that all is working out for you and your wife and children. You have an important life together. I would have hated to see it fall apart.

Yes, you have many friends here who love you and hold you to thier hearts and we have been sadden by your dilema. Now we can rejoice in your ressurection.

Hugs,

Cassie

I have to say it was almost as good sharing the news with my friends here as getting it in the first place. Almost.

Thanks again for being with me through it all. I'm sure your levelheads and sage advice helped. Although my wife is ok with me coming here she does not wish to and I respect that. There is however a little of me that wishes that some time in the future this will change because I think that she would get a lot from meeting the people here.

Here's hoping anyway.

Shelley

Dear Shelley

Hip Hip Hooray.

Time heals most wounds. It would have been hard for her to get her head around everything she found out but after time I was sure that she would realise you were still the same person she fell in love with. Still take one step at a time and day by day and i'm sure in no time life will be back to normal (as you know it). I am so happy for the both of you.

What a Happy to end to a story.

Love Cherrie

Thanks Cherrie,

I don't think I could ever put in words the relief I feel. I did believe that things where going to go down hill. The support of my friends here really helped me through it all and for that I am very greatful.

Shelley