So I was in the club last Saturday night, as usual, dancing up a storm and generally having a great time.  One of the club regulars came up to me at the bar and asked, "If I asked you to dance would you say yes or no"?  I looked at him, smiled and said, "Yes of course", and we were off to the dance floor to dance a few songs.  Then the strangest thing happened while we danced.  He leaned in close and the conversation went something like this:

Him - I know you
Me – what (the music was very loud)
Him – I know you
Me – oh (and smiled)
Him – don't stop what you are doing
Me – what
Him – don't stop what you are doing
Me - what do you mean
Him – I know you are a man who wants to be a woman
Me – what, I don't understand (I did but I was playing dumb)
Him - I know you are a man who wants to be a woman so don't change what you are doing.
Me – I smiled, offered a puzzled look and shrugged my shoulders.  And we finished the dance.

At first I didn't know how to take what he said as although I had my suspicions that there were some in the club who knew me, this was the first time that someone had actually approached me on my being TS.  I must admit that I was a little disappointed but then realized that it wasn't all bad as this person was quite good about it, and didn't show any hostility, just an approving smile.

I knew from the first day that I started going to this club that someone had let the cat out of the bag as at that time there was a woman there who when she first laid eyes on me immediately recognized me from somewhere and started talking excitedly to her friend.

Makes you wonder if it would ever be possible to live completely stealth forever.

Steph

Geez honey, this is something I wonder myself.  I see your pics and I see a woman.  That society in general can't see that, well, it makes me wonder.

Living totally in stealth?  I'm really torn.  On one side I have been blessed with 'on the boarder' physical feaures.  On the other side I feel if I am totally in stealth, what would I have done for those who are struggling with all I have? Probably nothing.  I haven't educated our myopic society that we are real humans and should be treated as such and probably never will.

Steph, I can relate but I don't have the best answers.  How I wish I did.

Unless you move far away, you will always run into people who know you and therefore,
total stealth is not possible.  Having some facial surgery helps but the costs and the risks
are important issues as well.  My FFS has allowed me to be mostly stealth, enough that
I'm comfortable most of the time.  SRS finished the transformation.  I could never fully
see myself as a woman while that thing was still there.  Now I am a woman and feel less
threatened by people who see me as a man who became a woman. 

As for the community at large, I don't feel any special obligation to be "out and proud". 
My very public transition was my contribution to trans awareness.  Now I'm a woman, not
a transsexual and I have no desire to be seen as or known as a transsexual.  My therapist
told me that's part of the transition and quite normal.

Dawn

Hi Steph,

Unfortunately in a small community, our home town, stealth is not an option as there will always be someone who knows us, our our past. This happened quite a few times to me over a year period and it can be quite off putting at times, nothing nasty but just a few comments or a knowing smile and a conversation similar to that you have posted.

Fast forward 2 years, a new country, a new life, no one aware of me or my past except for very close friends. Well past FFS and SRS and nearly 8 years on hormones. No one questions my past, no one sees me as anything than the woman I am.

Stealth is possible, but it takes tremendous sacrifice beyond what we have already gone through and that is to basically move our lives to a new place and start over again.

Difficult, but not impossible and for me it was an opportunity to put my TS past behind me and focus on becomming the person I have become.

Buffy

Quote from: Steph on October 08, 2006, 07:09:09 PM

Makes you wonder if it would ever be possible to live completely stealth forever.

Nope, it isn't.  We will always run into someone we have known... or some time down the road, we will tell someone.  Denying the past is unhealthy.  This doesn't mean that the whole world need know.  But it is important to recognize the realities of life.

I remember going to a job interview in southern California once.  The manager was a fellow who I had worked with in Utah! We had even shared the same office when the company was just getting started. I didn't have a snowball's chance in getting the job, so I had fun with it and yanked his chain a bit.

Cindi

Yep that's my thinking as well folks.  The only real way to live stealth is to move to a new city or town.  But even then there is no absolute guarantee that some time down the road that our little secret will be uncovered.

Rats.

Steph
Posted on: October 08, 2006, 09:00:22 PM

---

Quote from: DawnL on October 08, 2006, 09:18:26 PM
...
As for the community at large, I don't feel any special obligation to be "out and proud". 
My very public transition was my contribution to trans awareness.  Now I'm a woman, not
a transsexual and I have no desire to be seen as or known as a transsexual.  My therapist
told me that's part of the transition and quite normal.

Dawn

My feelings exactly Dawn, I guess the difference between us is that I've never considered myself as TS, it's just a label that I'm burdened with right now.  I am and always will be a woman, but I suspect that you have always felt that way as well.

Steph

This is what I have been saying for a long time. You can never out run your past. I don't care how much paperwork you change, you wll never be completely stealth. You don't have to go around and tell everyone, but be sure as to who you are dancing with. It maybe someone who doesn't know your past and someone will tell and that could lead to a bad situation. If you run to another city, like Cindi said, there maybe someone who will recognize you. This is a small world. I don't tell anyone who I am, but I will if I have to as I'm not ashamed of my past. Just be careful while you are dating.
Sheila

I would consider a guy like that a gift.  If he read you and was ok with your past, you've just saved yourself the trouble of eventually disclosing your past.  You may be a woman, but you do have a past that wasn't always female.  I think acceptance is not only accepting that we are female, but accepting our own past.  Don't be ashamed that you have had a more challenging life than the average woman.  I'm not saying to go around and tell people, but also don't deny it when confronted about it.  Like me, you were a woman born with a male body and "forced" to live a male life.  You probably learned things and had many opportunities to experience different facets of life that you probably wouldn't have had if you had been born in a female body.  How many women can say they "know" what it's like to use the men's bathroom?  How many women get to marry another woman legally and without backlash?  You probably have more insight into a man's life than most women do and I think the duel perspective may be advantageous in being a woman.  It's in these ways that we can be better women that some GGs will ever be.

Melissa

Bummer!  I think I would have been scared if I had experienced a similar situation; however, the fact that this guy seemed to be accepting is a good thing.

Quote from: DawnLNow I'm a woman, not
a transsexual and I have no desire to be seen as or known as a transsexual.  My therapist
told me that's part of the transition and quite normal.

I totally agree.  What is the use of going through all of this if at the end I will label myself as transsexual?  it makes no sense, and it has nothing to do with being ashamed of what we were "before".  Personally I have no desire to let other women know that I used to use the mens'room.  My past is my past and no one has the right to know the details of my "previous" life unless that person is romantically involved with me...that is the only exception. (tinkerbell's exception BTW)

Quote from: SheilaYou can never out run your past

That's true, but we can do what it takes to try to live a normal life like any other GG not like a transsexual..  we deserve it and we owe it to ourselves...

Quote from: StephThe only real way to live stealth is to move to a new city or town.  But even then there is no absolute guarantee that some time down the road that our little secret will be uncovered.

There will never be an absolute guarantee that people will not recognize you, but if any, the experiences will be reduced to a minimum if you move to a new town or city and start living life as the woman you have always been...


tinkerbell

There are no guarantees, even moving may not do it.

I moved 7-8 hours away from the old hometown.  The very first day I was in my new residence I went to the bookstore and ran into someone I had known since Kindergarten.  A client of mine for the bodyguard stuff moved across the country and 10 years later ran into the person who had assaulted her.

It is indeed a small world.  However, that does not mean that it is impossible because you never know what may happen.

Kudos to you for keeping your cool. 

I live my life as a normal woman. I don't tell and if I do it is to someone special. I don't date either. I tell the doctors now, cause I believe that they should know so I can be treated right. I'm treated as a lady and I do get some doors opened for me. I'm not a transsexual nor transgendered, I'm a woman. Sometimes I don't want to go on these boards as I can't relate to this anymore. Then, I think, maybe someone will listen to what I have to say.
Sheila

Quote from: Sheila on October 10, 2006, 02:42:57 PM
...I can't relate to this anymore...

I feel the same way.  I didn't think it was possible for all the gender insanity to
fade away but it has.  I'm a just another woman, eager to get on with my life.

Dawn

Quote from: Sheila on October 10, 2006, 02:42:57 PMThen, I think, maybe someone will listen to what I have to say.

A lot of us are hoping to someday be where you are, and that in itself makes your advice more valuable.

Sheila, I know what you mean as I am pretty much in that headspace now.  However, I like stopping in here and sharing experiences of my own and reading of others.  Plus the few times I have been thanked for sharing some sort of advice and making just a tiny bit of difference makes me happy.  I have been told that I helped save their life just because I recommended a therapist near them.  For that I do not mind coming in here even though I may not have the same concerns about passing, body hair, SOs, divorce, marriage, etc, etc.

LIT, I know that the little things in life are very important. For that reason, I keep going on. I got back involved in Human Rights issues and started a Gender Identity work group back up, in my city. I do care, but then when something negative comes around, I think why should I get myself all involved. I pass for an old lady, lol, and I do just fine. This is my passion and when I see close calls like what Steph had, I kind of shake my head. That scenario could have turned ugly. If you look at who and why trans people get killed then you will under stand. We have to be careful out there.
Sheila