So it's been a little while since I've done any kind of updating...been feeling very internal, pubescent and...awkward. lol.

So let's preface this update with the very short back story...bio female, andro identified, on T, still female presenting at work...ect.

Ok so...I'm on T, it's going well. I'm now doing injections instead of gel and there's something about having to do weekly injections vs. daily gel that just makes this process feel more natural. I don't think about how I'm "transitioning" I feel more like..."I am". However *I am* in puberty at the moment! lol. My voice is dropping and that's cool. My muscle mass is increasing which rocks...I'm starting to get some very faint body hair and increase hair on my arms and face. Now...I suppose I should back up and quantify my point...

My leg hair/body hair has always been very very faint and nearly invisibly blonde. Unless your staring at my arms you wouldn't think I have ANY arm hair. My legs never get shaved and most people can't tell. However my face has very light hair, but it's all across my whole face and under my chin. Not localized on just my upper lip as some women. Again, l nearly invisible...but totally there.

So now..just over two months on T..my cheeks still basically have peach fuzz and it's super soft, though a tad longer than it used to be and pretty noticeable (at least in the florescent lights in my bathroom!!) My lip, chin and under my chin however...the hair has shifted some. It's courser. (though not by a whole heck of a lot..I am only 2 months in!) I've shaved it a few times (which I'm guessing is contributing to it's coarseness) I'm finding I don't want to shave. It's still blonde though it's got some actual color to it..it's not invisibly blonde anymore. I find myself with my hand up on my chin A LOT. I like it.

The main "manly" attribute that I've always wanted is the beard. I used to dream about being bearded, I've lusted men's beards in the past...So now that it's growing in some...I'm rather elated. I find myself pouring over my face in the mirror...looking at every last little strand of hair, looking my face over for any color shift...(ya know..just like a teenage boy!)

It's a little long and I was anxious that maybe it's time to shave again for fear that people would see my "unsightly woman's facial hair" but *I* don't want to shave it! I want to see what it'll do.

Thoughts about a beard and what sort of facial hair I might like to wear (goatee, full face, ect) drew my attention to my breasts. Every step I take toward androgyny and *my* ideal body brings my thoughts back to "what will *they* think?" I wish I didn't care. I really really wish that. However I *live* in society. I go grocery shopping. I have to have a job. Thus, I worry. (that...and I'm just a worrier.)

So my thoughts went to "Well...if I wear a beard I'm going to have to bind...right?" and that frustrated me because I don't see WHY the two have anything to do with each other. I very very much wish that I could fit into the "male or female" box. I do. I feel that this would be SO much easier. Having to blaze my own trail (as it were) is sometimes...well...a pretty darn scary place to be!

Do I need to come out as androgyn to every single person I come across? That may get exhausting. Do I need to just...keep my beard within the confines of my own home? Society expects us to be either male or female. If I present male to the broad society (what..with my beard...) then I feel like I will be forced to bind every day. Which...honestly...I don't really have any desire to do. If I refuse to bind and present female...then the beard must be covered, and well shaved at all times. (not to mention covered in foundation to make sure the shadow is well covered...as it stands currently I never wear make up. Ever. However I do know how to cover a beard shadow. I often do Cynthia's make up)

The answer seems easy enough. Lofty enough..."be yourself". That's what we tell the small children...right? In theory that sounds perfect! It doesn't seem to alleviate my fears, and my frets and my concerns over society/work/life. *hmf* I guess I don't really have answers for myself at the moment...this is a grey spot I've not yet figured out. I'm hoping I'll get it figured out soon because the T keeps doing it's job!

There is nothing stagnant about life. That's for sure.

It's a tough choice; present as either/or. Luckily people will aways either/or you based on what makes the most sense so binding might not even be necessary to be seen as male. But that's not what you want to be viewed as... Meh I understand the dilemma, and am afraid I can't really give much insight since you and I are taking things in quite the opposite direction.

However, if there's one person I think does walk similar shoes and decided to just be who they are, I think Kinkly. Hope they'll put in a reply on this thread.

I'm Bio Male have thick beard wear bra with padding and mostly female clothes I know I look a bit strange if you can handle being giggled at and don't mind "Looking like a freak" then just do what feels right personly I enjoy the comments and when people laugh at me then I feel proud that I am bringing Joy into the world.
go out as yourself breasts and beard both being obvious just to experance different peoples reactions go places where there are a few people to start with to get an Idea of what it feels like if it feels good then just be you If you can't handle the comments then maybe you should "pick a side" of course if it feels good but scary then maybe you just need to build up your confidence up a bit.  I don't get comments everytime I go out. mostly its only little kids and teenagers that will respond but adults will sometime give you funny looks. Or Loud Shhhhhhhh noises when little kids start saying something  :B
Seven Be true to yourself and let us know how if feels

I was kinda thinkin about you when writing this Kinkly. I think more than anything I don't want my physical attributes to pigeon hole me into male or female. There are days that I love to dress up, wear skirts ect..but there are days when I just want to wear jeans, bind, and have my facial hair.

unfortunately it is not possible to easily hide a beard for a little while then have it full on sometimes I'd love it to just disappear but mostly I like it but it is not something I can just switch off.

Have you guys ever heard of the bulgarian singer Azis? No matter if he presents himself as masculine or feminine or in between he always sports a goatee.

Quote from: Jaden on April 18, 2010, 01:07:53 AM
Have you guys ever heard of the bulgarian singer Azis? No matter if he presents himself as masculine or feminine or in between he always sports a goatee.

Azis is absolutely gorgeous! I really love hir gender presentation, especially in the 2nd video. Thanks!

Z

Wow, thanks for sharing Jaden! No, I've never seen hir. That's awesome.

I've got a friend who's lived all around Europe and he's so great because he keeps me grounded somewhat and reminds me that the whole world doesn't think/act/feel like American's when it comes to gender.

Yes that was really cool particulary the way sie looks in 2nd video. pity I didn't understand what they were saying though. any one know what language were they speaking?

presumably Bulgarian

I first saw the title of this thread and I thought "I have more beard thought than I have beard."  Anyway, I'm glad to see someone who is comfortable in either role and with facial hair.