The weather is cold rain snow mix. Im standing on the street outside of a bar panhandling change from patrons because my father has thrown me out of my home. Its getting cold I have a windbreaker on and girl jeans my hair is long and I have been passing for a while, and why not im 14. A white sedan 1980s or late 70's model, a big car. The driver slows then stops his window goes down " Do you want a ride" I shake my head no. a few minutes later he returns look hun im married with kids im not going to hurt you do you want to at least get in and warm up its going to be a long night. This time I agree. Once im in the car he starts moving "im just going to get out of the street before the cops give me a ticket" he drives east out of aurora I begin to panic and he grabs my hair pulling my head down into his lap. "Stop fighting me bitch," he holds my head there and I can feel him pressing against my cheek. It seams like hours but finally we stop. That is when things really get bad. He hits me in the face prior to opening the car door, and drags me out onto the ground by my feet. I hit my head on the door and step of the car before curling into a ball.
He kicks me in my chest and ribs breaking two of them. He then rips my shirt open and once he gets my pants off he goes into a rage. You little ->-bleeped-<-got is the last thing I hear although im sure he said other things ive repressed He rapes me then as Im lying in the dirt he shoots me in the stomach the bullet enters in a downward direction shattering my upper left leg.  I lay there bleeding. I do not remember when or how I got to the hospital. A passerby heard the gunshot and came to investigate is what they told me I remember a aurora officer leaning over and whispering in my ear telling me I got what I deserved. My offender was never caught and I doubt it was ever investigated.
Im posting this because lately I've been reliving this day again in my sleep again. I guess im hoping if I get it out there it might be therapeutic im sorry if I offend somebody mods you can delete this if you feel its necessary.
jessica

Jessica

I am so sorry. That must be an awful dream to have to ?relive? every night. I do hope that really is a dream and not some sort of memory.

I too have had a few traumas in my life. Like when I was at school and I was gang raped by some older boys who thought my "difference" meant that it was ok to "use" me. That sadly was not a dream it really happened, and for years until I was well into my twenties I never told a soul. Often when we start talking about our fears and traumas they lose their power over us.

I hope that is the case for you too.

Peace sister 

Jenny x.

this is a memory unfortunately and its keeping me awake way to much lately
jessica

I always did hate those nightmares that were just rewound movies of my very real past. They usually got worse whenever life started getting close to circumstances that were like when it happened. They still happen but happen less when I am alone than with others.

Is it possible for you to learn what triggers the nightmares and avoid them?

i wish i could lordKat the only thing i can think of is im very close to the point in my transition as i was at 14 as far as comfort level. i would talk to my therapist but i dont want to inject this into the equation now. not when im so close to an srs letter.
jessica

Perhaps the trigger in this case is the fact that you are in almost the same position as when you were 14. Perhaps then the way to leave it is to get that letter and move beyond this point rather than retract from it. There is more than one direction away from any given point. I wish I could wave the proverbial magic wand and free you from this torment. I wish I could comfort you in some way to help you get past this painful point in your life. I send the usual virtual hugs tho.

Is it possible to talk to your therapist and still get your letter? It is obviously a very sensitive thing that you need to work past. I don't see that it would necessarily mean no SRS. I'm not a therapist by any means however.

 lordkat i hope i get past it soon ive been drinking tonight because i cant sleep im cold im very tired and im alone in an empty house it would have been better if i died in that field it would have saved me 30 years of living hell  people i killed in iraq would still be alive my kids would have been born from anouther father and i could have returned to the dirt i ->-bleeped-<-ing hate myself im sorry i should never have posted this im so tired my eyes are burning by the time i finish this jack i ma y pass out if ifreeking lucky

I tell you what jessica

The way I read that is that your subconcious is terrified that the same will happen and that somehow you will be DENIED your very necessary traetment yet again.

Relax - it won't! and the best way to over come this is face it down and get that letter.

Jenny x.

Jessie,

drinking may be a temporary escape but makes things worse. cold tired and alone in an empty house is not helpful either. It would not be better if you had died. Your kids would not have been born. As to if you should have posted this, of course you should have. You need comfort and friends right now and that is what people are here for. You need not be alone even if your house is empty.

You are a wonderful human being and have every right to be a happy and loving person, just as much as any of us. You are somebody and I truly want you to stick around. You are beautiful, how dare you think to deprive anyone of knowing the wonderful person that you are.

aww i don't really know what to say, i've never been in that kind of situation before but after reading your story i just want to hug you =( *hugs* i hope you will be ok :/

Right - time for bed young Jessica.

Please stop drinking and try to rest - We, your friends and family feel for you and we want to help in whatever way we can.

We all value your life as do all the people that you have ever helped in your job in law enforcement.

All we need now, is for you to get through tonight and then see what needs to be done tomorrow to get some help with this.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE in what you go through. Draw stength from the fact that others among us, me for one, have been in vaery similar places even if we don't routinely talk about them, and we have survived. So stand with us because togther we are so much stronger.

I send you some of my strength to help you through the night.

Jenny x.

***huge hugs***

*more hugs*

I have a re-occurring nightmare, too... I've had it since I was a little kid. It strikes much less occasionally now, but when it does, that feeling lasts for days. You should talk to someone about it...

*one more hug*

*BIG HUGS*
i'm sorry you feel that way , i had a kinda similar experience when i was 15 , only that they wanted a boy . the best way to deal with it is to just not think about it , and to be honest about it with a therapist , because for me it have been affecting everything in my life without me knowing .
i know nothing i'd say would comfort you but if you ever want to talk about it , me and your friends here are listening

Not ever having to endure that horrible degradation, I can only imagine how you are feeling to relive it.  But we are here for you.  We hold you in our collective arms and cry with you.

I hope you have when to bed and will get some rest.  If that we could we will watch over you.

Please let us know you are alright, Dear sister.

Feel our arms around you holding you, protecting you.

jesse

We certainly wouldn't be better off with you dead. You have brought quite a lot to discussion here.

Kat's suggestions are good, but as you sa, difficult to achieve.

The other approach is confrontation. Instead of fighting it, live yourself through it again.

Seems to me that what is making it so difficult is reliving the fear you felt then. Or should that be utter terror. But I and I;m sure most of us here, who know you, know that you are a very brave individual now, who has faced many difficult situations, many of which you have shared.

So, with that, perhaps you can find the strength to face up to the memories.

Just a thought. But word of advice, lay off the intoxicants. Drugs and such are a poor crutch and really just give you an excuse to feel miserable.

thank you all for the help especially lordkat jenny and cindyjames im doing better i will try not to let this bother me anymore of course im awake now 1257 am lol but when sleep comes i will try not to let this thing haunt me anymore thanks cindy kat and jenny for being my light when its my darkest
jessica

You are most welcome Jessie. If anything I said helped, I'm most grateful indeed. I'm glad you are OK for the moment and hope your nights get better. You can call if you feel the need, I'm a night owl.  I am sending the sandman with the happy grains of sand in hopes of mellower dreams.

Yep +1 on all that.

If you want something fairly mild to helpyou sleep - try taking some valerian tea - DONT mix it with any other sedative or traquiliser - so no good if you are already on anything else - but if not it can just take the edge of things and being herbal it's pretty safe as long as you don't go stupid and drink a gallon of it or anything!

Anyway - sending you some sleepy thoughts now.

J. x.

I would definitely talk to a counselor about this, as the nightmares may be a symptom of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. People have acquired PTSD over much less life threatening events.