Quote from: Torn1990 on April 25, 2010, 10:55:16 PM

Quote from: pamshaw on April 25, 2010, 10:42:18 PM
I tried living a lie for years. It will never work. You have GID and it won't go away; it will only get worse.

Ugh Pam... Thank you..I'm empathetic towards what you say..
I definitely see this inevitable sadness in my future.

Not really. The way I read it, Pam's point was that trying to deny it will only make things worse -- the only way to get on with your life is to accept that you have GID and, well, get on with your life.

The way you deal with it is something only you can decide. Everyone else, including us, your family and your therapist, can offer advice but there is so much variation in how GID manifests that only you can know what's the right path for you. The main thing is to be honest to yourself. However it goes, it will be a long process, so it might be good to start with looking at the various options. That may include asking how your little sister feel about it. 

And you can do it, never doubt that.

  Nfr

I wore my sister's clothes since I was like 7 or something....At 37, I can honestly tell you the feelings don't go away.  You can mask them, hide them, put them aside for some period of time, but they don't go away - at least not for me anyway. 

I was married, and divorced (not due to GID reasons) and after accepting it and not fighting it can I live in some peace even though I'm not yet full time.

Just my $.02.....

I can only second what others here have said about the difficulties going through all this later in life brings.

I put up with severe depression, off and on for 40 years or more, and have finally said enough! Progress will be slow due to financial limits, but at last I know who I am, and have a lot of answers to questions that plagued me for a lifetime. In the meantime I can study the GG's and see how they do things.

I am sure too that the people I cared about suffered due to my depression, and worried about where it would lead.  If transition had been offered to me, or in fact been available here in my late teens, I am sure everyone would have been saved a lot of needless worry.

Quote from: rejennyrated on April 26, 2010, 02:21:54 AMYou can only be YOU and if you try to be anyone else all you will do is end up hurting others.

Unfortunately what most people do is make the mistake of thinking that they alone out of all the thousands who have had this condition will be the one to beat it. They will make a noble sacrifice of their lives for others around them. Only problem is it very rarely works out like that.

In my experience almost all of them fail, and of those who do manage to cling on somehow I have yet to meet one who does not have a deforms twisted or stunted personality in some way. It just takes up so much of their emotional and spiritual energy finding ways of coping - and for what? - so that they and those around them never have to face the uncomfortable truth. That isn't noble in my view it's a sad lie

that is so very true, and I always have to think how much good can you be to anyone when you're so miserable yourself? How much help and support can you be when you're aching inside? How much love can you share when you detest the very body you dwell in? I really wish other people could see that sometimes, but as many people as think they are making a noble sacrifice for those around them, how many of those around them fully expect them to do so? That's what I have run up against- people thinking I'm somehow being selfish for not wanting to walk around feeling suicidal all the time.

As justmeinoz said, I know for a fact that others suffered due to my own internal misery, so I was making no sacrifice. I was causing harm to others, and now I'm not.

For your mother it will be hard, your sister may not quite understand it fully but will more then likely be ok. Kids are very understanding, they are not nearly as closed minded as adults and teenagers. It doesn't matter what you wear or how you act to a child as long as you are still the person they like. Reassure her that your still the same person and she should be ok. In the end as much as it will hurt them all they really want is for you to be happy. Thats all any loving family wants.

Also i don't think leaving it would be beneficial at all. It will just cause you more pain which they will see and in turn hurt them. whether you do it now or in 30 years inevitably you will have to tell them.

I just go for things and deal with the consequences. If its something that i need to do then i do it because in the end we only get one chance at life and we don't know how long it's going to last.

I used to believe what you have been thinking..."I have a mother who needs me, my father, my sister, my brothers. Then later on the same mantra continued, "I have my wife to think about, my daughter, my son etc."

I believe that these feelings are just marred in guilt and shame. It was only later in therapy that I realized that it is healthy for all of us to live our lives authentically and without fear of reprisal and rejection. Today, I still have my relationship with my children, many wonderful friends and my wife Julie. Those people who need to live that life of shame and guilt left themselves behind and out of my life. Since I refused to be the person they NEEDED and WANTED ME TO BE, they left me. This was their choice.

Listen closely to the lyrics and watch as Pete Townsend sings, "Give Blood". It may strike the same cord within you as it did me.

Quote from: FairyGirl on April 27, 2010, 07:08:44 AM

As justmeinoz said, I know for a fact that others suffered due to my own internal misery, so I was making no sacrifice. I was causing harm to others, and now I'm not.

Me too. I caused others much more pain by trying to cope with substance abuse and other self-destructive methods. My family is now much happier with the transsexual me than with the 'before' picture.
And of course there are other not so obvious ways of coping that hurt others too.

Quote from: Torn1990 on April 25, 2010, 09:02:08 PMI have an 8 yr old sister who would definitely not understand this sort of thing.. I'm her only brother.. How could I possibly take that away from her? I would die for my sister, as well as my mom. And i'm my mothers only son. I just have to say, i'd die for either of them before I put them through some sort of psychological rollercoaster that effect the rest of their lives.
Then I thought about some of the threads on here where certain people who have transitioned have sons, daughters, and even wives!
It just sounds ridiculous to me! I mean, i've been suffering for so long... And if causing others suffering is the only way to relieve my own, i don't think I could ever do it.

Would these people for whom you would suffer and even die for want you to do so if they knew what you were going through?  Is it better to be with someone who is miserable or happy?  Does your sister love a male person called a brother or does she love you?  Is being true to yourself "putting" anyone through anything or is it just a reaction on their part to get you to live your life the way they want you to live it?  How long do you think this "roller coaster" ride for them would last?

QuoteI know this is a pretty harsh thing to say, but this whole lack of consideration when you have kids and such prior engagements is just too much when it comes to transitioning.

Is living a lie being considerate?  Is being someone you were guilted into being the better way to live one's life?

QuoteI think kids need their father, and they need their mother.. Just like my little sister needs the big brother she knowes and loves.

Many kids are raised in single parent homes without any damaging effects.  Many kids are raised in same sex homes without any damaging effects.  Many kids grow up without any brothers or without any sisters.  What makes your family different from them that you being true to yourself would cause any damage?

QuoteTurning into a female on her is not only confusing but potentially damaging to her concept of my loyalty to her as a male figure in her life.

First of all, you are not doing anything ON or even TO her. 

As far as confusing, if she was raised to believe there are only males and females and that never changes, she will be confused.  It's up to you to teach her there's a whole gender continuum out there and that gender is fluid, not rigid. 

You feeling disloyal is your stuff, not hers.

QuoteI mean.. I've always been myself.. I just have no idea how this would affect her in the future, and i couild never take the risk I don't think.

From what you've written here, you have not always been yourself but rather what people expect you to be. 

Kids are very adaptive.  It's when we get older that we get stuck in our ways.

QuoteUnfortunately, if i transitioned I'd wait till i'm much older.. But at the same time, I don't think I could survive being stuck in this body now that i'm facing my problem.. My anxiety has been so much worse..  So you all know again, I am planning on talking to my therapist about this-- but I am curious about your own experiences with how your transition has impacted relatives you care about.

If you wait til you're older more masculinization will take place.  Much of it will be irreversible.

Waiting can also take an emotional toll on you that would be far worse than any "consequences" you may suffer from transitioning now.  For those who are truly TS, waiting is like allowing water to build up behind a dam.  Eventually it will become too much to hold back and the dam will burst.  Damage at that point could be far worse than doing something now.

The most common emotions we seem to have come from guilt and shame.  We are being selfish.  Being TG and letting your loved ones know is the same as doing something horrible to them.  It's always about us hurting them.  Are they being selfless for asking us to suffer in silence just so that they don't have to face the fact there are people who are TG?  Is it fair to keep them in the dark about who you really are just because no one ever taught them being TG is okay?

I carried all that junk for years.  I didn't transition until my family left me.  Then after I transitioned some came back.  And you know what they tell me now?  They like the "new" me better.  I'm happier and at peace with myself.  And I'm a lot better to be around.  All that junk I carried was all my stuff.  Once I let it go, I started to live life as I always should have.  It took me 56 years to get there.  Today I wonder what was gained by waiting so long because I can't see anything positive that came out of waiting.

 ..therapy went horribly... oh god i just want to die

Oh noes!!!
This is just a set back. Not a game ender.
So what went on?

Quote from: cynthialee on April 28, 2010, 10:02:45 PM
Oh noes!!!
This is just a set back. Not a game ender.
So what went on?

i guess i half expect her to have a magic wand.
i want to kill myself
i cant do this anymore.
i need help but no one can help me
theres no point in helping me anyway because i dont even want to make this disgusting male body of mine happy.
my life so far has been a waste, my future will be one to.
the only type of freedom i want is death.

You want to die in the wrong body or work on getting the right one?

my life so far has been a waste, my future will be one to.
the only type of freedom i want is death.

If that's the way you feel and think, then that's the way its going to be and the way its going to go down.  However, it does not have to be that way.  But that requires change on your part to find something worth doing, and a reason to keep on living, or, in your case, starting to live.

I would like to ask, in all seriousness, why has your life been a waste?  The way things are now, you are aware of the possibilities for moving out of the dark. There are all sorts of options, have you explored all of them? Or even some?

Secondly, why should your future be a waste?

Death is so final, and it will come to us all in time. Why not enjoy your time here, and help those around you enjoy their life with you? If the situation was different, and it looked like you were going to be in a wheelchair, they would still love you regardless.

  I am sure your little sister would be heart broken to lose you, and as others here have said, kids are truly amazing at cutting through the BS to what is really important.  I  fathered 2 myself, and watched how they grew up.They can cope with as much as they can understand, and the rest is just ignored until they are a bit older and do comprehend.

Quote from: Torn1990 on April 29, 2010, 01:24:25 AM
i guess i half expect her to have a magic wand.
i want to kill myself
i cant do this anymore.
i need help but no one can help me
theres no point in helping me anyway because i dont even want to make this disgusting male body of mine happy.
my life so far has been a waste, my future will be one to.
the only type of freedom i want is death.

That is silly talk and of no help to you. You haven't told us what happened. Please do. Your life has not been a waste and the future is unknown, so why the gloom? You have an awesome life in front of you. And guess what? It is up to you to take it by the horns and shake it into the life you want. Giving up is not an option. Living the life you want is the option. Now stop the selfish doom and gloom and tell those silly little grey cells to step forward and be alive. We are all here for you. You are not alone in this in anyway.

Hugs
Cindy

It can be fixed. You just need to do some work and reach out for help. You have alot of us really worried about you right now. We are a family, we all suffer from the same hell, when one of us dies we all die a little. You can help us make the world a better place just by surviving and allowing yourself some joy. GID is very much the hellish thing but it isnt worth checking out for, especialy now in the modern era. We have medical fix's for this problem.
I know life sucks in this moment, but you can whoop GID and move on.

Quotei want to kill myself

Please if you are reaching out for life everyone, literally EVERYONE will help you!  You are not a waste you are not alone!  It is possible to go on!

We have lost too many of us already!  Do not extinguish the the light of your life!  You will harm many more than yourself if you do this.  The world is not better off without you!  It is enriched because of you.

As one who has been touched by this tragic act, I feel for your pain very deeply.  We all want you to survive.  If things get dark please call suicide prevention: 1-800-273-8255

Quotemy life so far has been a waste, my future will be one to.

It's not all unicorns and rainbows, but your future is much brighter if you stick around.

Quotethe only type of freedom i want is death.

That isn't freedom.  Oblivion comes for us all.  There is no need to hurry it along.  Please!  PM me if you wish.  We do care!

-Sandy

Quote from: cynthialee on April 29, 2010, 09:16:07 AM
It can be fixed. You just need to do some work and reach out for help. You have alot of us really worried about you right now. We are a family, we all suffer from the same hell, when one of us dies we all die a little. You can help us make the world a better place just by surviving and allowing yourself some joy. GID is very much the hellish thing but it isnt worth checking out for, especialy now in the modern era. We have medical fix's for this problem.
I know life sucks in this moment, but you can whoop GID and move on.

thank you. i felt this flicker of warmth from that when i read it in class. but my feelings are so stale right now.
oh god..
back from school
work at 2:30
go home.
im just going to do that.  im not going to think anymore
i apologize. i'm acting so psychotic. i don't know what i feel right now.
i really want to kill myself. i really want to. i don't know what to do.
if i contact someone and tell them then i wont have a chance
but if i do it, then its done. i wont exist.
which is what i want. god... but i'm a creep i'm a weirdo what the hell am i doing here i dont belong here. (radiohead. i feel like the creep, and the she in that song. i just want to drown in it.)
i even told my therapist i wanted to. she just seemed to look at me, ask a bout it
and then changed the subject. no one cares she just wants my damn money
i feel like people only care because they have to
but deep down they just want me to get it over with to.
so they can move on. wow...i'm reading this, and i'm starting to sound like the person
i never truely understood but felt so much empathy towards, but now i get it.

Hey Torn glad to see a response. So it is obvious that you may have some stress going on. It does get to a person but we have to fight back. It would seem that your therapist is not going to work for you. Move on now and find someone who will listen. Perhaps she has a peer you can work with?
I really hope that you take the oportunity to fix this. You will not get it over night but 'nothing good is free', so it is said.
I have been to that place where I was searching more for the strength to kill myself than I was a solution to the problem.
As to your claim that noone cares. We do. The people who come to this site daily and suport eachother are here specificaly to prevent suicides in the comunity. Don't be a statistic.
It wasnt 7 months ago I was where you are right now. I wanted death, but I found the will to live and transition. Mainly just by talking to people who also have GID. Stick around, it will be worth it.

I sent you a PM if you haven't seen it yet.

Please talk to us.

-Sandy