I don't see how it can be deceit when we are male inside. We just have a defective body. You're not lying when you tell them you're male and you should feel no guilt. Let people talk. People gossip about everyone else anyway no matter who you are. I know it's tougher being in school and in a small town but that won't last forever.

I believe you shouldn't tell anyone your trans except for those really close to you. It's nobody else's business and they will treat you differently when they know for sure. For me I just want to be seen and treated as any other guy. I don't want the special treatment or be the person to talk about just because I'm trans. People who knew me before- that can't be helped, but for people who didn't know me before I'm just another guy.

I agree with Radar that it's not deceit.

I don't feel that I need to be openly trans for the world to see.  I understand that some people prefer to be out, but for me, I identify as male.  And gay.  And I don't see the need to advertise that I'm gay either.

Funny thing was, at that meeting where I stupidly came out, all of the gay guys were saying I should be openly trans.  But online in gay male spaces, when the topic of coming out is addressed, many gay men feel the same as a lot of trans people do, that they don't discuss their sexuality unless it comes up, that they don't see the need to out themselves at work if they don't have a partner, etc.

If I'm in a gay space then I don't mind being out as gay, but I won't come out as trans except for medical personnel or intimate partners.

Jay

I agree, I don't think it is lying. Letting someone believe that I am female is lying. Bio guys don't need to go around letting people know how big their penises are to prove they are a man (though sometimes they do) and neither do I.

I understand the OP's point on lying.  I was not always female (speaking as to when I transitioned).  Leading others to believe that I was felt like deceit to me.  That feeling brought on additional stresses and created more lying to cover up for experiences I never had and even to hide experiences I DID have.  I understand, and agree with, the OP in terming my feelings 'lying'.

Saying that I'm a dude is not lying, no. But people outright asking if I have a penis or vagina does require lies. Again, saying it's none of their business is just as much use as telling them everything.
There's also the situations where people feel my binder under my shirt and ask about it. Again, I have to lie. Then from that lie comes more questions and more lies.

Although, reading these posts has reminded me how horrible it is when you feel exposed. When people treat you differently.

I definitely won't be coming out. But I do wonder if maybe I should tell close friends?

The gay's used to say 'out is out' - that once you go that route, everyone will find out somehow.

I don't want every man and his dog to know, but at the same time, I feel bad having to straight out lie to some of my closest friends. Saying that, my two very closest friends know just about everything there is to know about me and they're amazing. Never treated me any different. I think it also makes a friendship stronger when you both hold very personal information about one another.

But yeah, I know it's very hard to keep information within a select group of people. It's just a long line of "Don't say anything, but..."

But what does it matter if you have an inny or an outy. The truth of the matter does not change who you are and how you react.
But when your friends know for sure it will change everything. Not only will you be a girl. You will be the girl that wants to be a guy. And that is sooo not what you need in your life right now.
Lie. It harms no one. It causes no isses.
... and as an aside if you refer to your clit as your dick then you are not lieing. Or state I have a 'phalus.' The clitoris and the penis until the modern age were both refered to as such. Then you are not lieing either answer.

If you have no intention of screwing some one they have no call to know. (well the doctors office gets too know)
Me I am not in that position to deal with it. I have a full life with alot of friends in my early 40's. Stealth for me is imposible. I waited too long.
But you have an oportunity here to forge a male life and identity now. In your youth. Use that to your advantage.

Quote from: cynthialee on May 09, 2010, 04:42:13 PM
Only your doctor and your lover need to know your trans status.
It is simply none of the worlds buisness. No reason I can think of that warents telling people who dont already know. People knowing you are a natal female will change everything. Enjoy your male life. If you come out you will lose almost all of your male privilage.
JMHO

You've said it best--people DON'T need to know!  I really don't understand why many trans people feel obligated in telling others of their status.  If you are living in your gender role and you are passing, why give that up?  I've never told anyone--even when I wasn't passing all that well.  Even then no one really questioned my gender, the worst I ever overheard was "SHE  looks like a guy".  I don't even post my pics--except to update my photobucket page which is to gauge the changes I'm currently going through prior to and after my surgery, and these are kept private.   I've been in transition for 15 years and am now just starting to pass very well without anyone making comments of any kind--why would I or anyone want to give that up?

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Post Merge: May 11, 2010, 12:35:11 PM

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Quote from: cynthialee on May 11, 2010, 12:49:45 PM

Or state I have a 'phalus.'

Isn't that from Spartacus?   

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Post Merge: May 11, 2010, 01:45:31 PM

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Quote from: tekla on May 11, 2010, 11:52:55 AM
The gay's used to say 'out is out' - that once you go that route, everyone will find out somehow.

Exactly!  All it takes is one other person to know

The issue here isn't really about the world having a right to know your trans status, but one individual feeling a need (however small) to disclose to some people without repercussions. There is a difference between the two.

I think its wrong to fear-monger and assume the absolute worst will happen. For petes sake, people know me as openly trans, whilst being very queer and feminine and they still see me as guy! I live in NZ which is a very 'blokey' place and as I understand it, very similar in sense to England... so I'm thinking the OP might get a similar response if they go about disclosing in a self-affirming, positive, 'its not that big a deal' attitude.

Ryan its not for me to decide, but if you do decide to come out to someone, I hope my words help you somewhat.

FWIW, Ryan, I have a friend who transitioned nearly 10 yrs ago.  He is out but stealth, meaning in the LGBT community he is out and easy to find and a real advocate, but in his personal life with his non-LGBT friends he isn't out.  He said that over the years he has developed deep friendships with some guys, and to certain people he will disclose.  But it is not something he discloses to everyone, and has groups of male friends he does things with where he is not out at all.

Maybe that's more what you are hinting at, that for those people who you have deep connections with, disclosing would help you feel that the relationship is honest.

Only you can decide who is worth telling, and when.  In my friend's case, most of those friendships where he did disclose, he did not disclose immediately, but only after a long time.

Jay

Quote from: sneakersjay on May 12, 2010, 08:16:14 AM
FWIW, Ryan, I have a friend who transitioned nearly 10 yrs ago.  He is out but stealth, meaning in the LGBT community he is out and easy to find and a real advocate, but in his personal life with his non-LGBT friends he isn't out.  He said that over the years he has developed deep friendships with some guys, and to certain people he will disclose.  But it is not something he discloses to everyone, and has groups of male friends he does things with where he is not out at all.

Maybe that's more what you are hinting at, that for those people who you have deep connections with, disclosing would help you feel that the relationship is honest.

Only you can decide who is worth telling, and when.  In my friend's case, most of those friendships where he did disclose, he did not disclose immediately, but only after a long time.

Jay

This.

This is what I was talking about.

I think most of us just want to be seen as a normal guy, &once we come out as trans ppl start to see us or part of us as female. And I hate the fact that I feel like im lying or hiding stuff &having to come up with excuses &avoiding certain situations... but its the price we pay, to be a "normal" guy... its like when this girl asked me if I was a virgin... I didn't know what to answer, she sees me as a guy. Or like just awkward situations like that, or where someone asks u to take off ur shirt or they want to see ur body. I hate when they get close enough to feel my chest. Or when u have to sleep over or go swimming, I just wanna have a male chest &be able to do all that without worrying.
:/
Id stay in stealth, I wouldn't want to come out because of the fact that I don't want to be seen as female at all.

i'm not ftm but i feel for you.  it's really hard keeping something like that from your friends that you make.  you want to be close to them, to anyone, but keeping something like that makes it feel like you aren't as close as you can really be.

i think being transgender is like a litmus test of whether these people are worth having in your life or not.  i know you want to avoid being talked about by everyone, hell so do i, so do we all.  but i think you'll find, if you confide in people you feel are trustworthy, you may be surprised at the reaction.  with the good comes the bad, and there will be people who are jerks about it.  but now you know that those are the types of people that aren't really necessary for you to keep around.  when you find people who accept you, all of you, and respect you as a human being... it makes it worth it in my opinion.

its not EVERYONES business.  but if you feel like you need to tell some people... i don't see the harm because from my experience, if you pass, people are more willing to see you as you are regardless.  you definitely pass, so if you told me, i'd still call you a guy and he.  you've conditioned people to see you as male.  thats hard to break.  like when parents call their ts child the birth gender out of habit.  its what they knew them as, and your community knows you as male.

stealth was annoying to me.  so you know what i did?  i posted my story in a magazine.  yep.  i did.   and you know what happened?  not a damn thing.  it's not the end of the world if you're transsexual and some people know.  you should feel empowered you look as good as you do.

my 2 cents.

I would bull->-bleeped-<-.  Do you pack?  If so, to the penis or vagina question I would just grab my crotch and say what do you think, ->-bleeped-<-?  Or just grunt.  I mean, how would a cis guy react if someone asked him that?  Probably laugh, or punch em, depending on the guy.  Give them the, ah are you stupid or something response and walk away.

My response to , "Do you have a penis?" is, "Yes.  In fact, I have several."  Which is perfectly true. 


In all seriousness, though, I completely understand where you are coming from.  Always having to watch what you do or say in case you out yourself can be very stressful.  On the other hand, once people know you're "really" a woman, they may never see you as a man.  That drives me completely up the wall, to the point that I'm trying to get myself into a position to move away from the small town I transitioned in.

That being said, though, people tend to resist changing their perceptions, whatever they may be.  If your current friends have always thought of you as a guy, they may very well continue seeing you as a guy, even after you disclose.  If I were you, though, I would wait until you've been on T a bit longer, so that you look and sound absolutely, unimpeachably male.