It's Time to Lose 'I Didn't Choose' (to be Transgender)

June 1, 2010 by Matt Kailey

http://tranifesto.com/2010/06/01/its-time-to-lose-i-didnt-choose-to-be-transgender/

"I didn't choose to be this way. I've always been this way. I'd be straight if I could. My life would be so much easier."

I get really tired of this argument, which makes straight the default — and the desirable — way to be, and gay or lesbian the undesirable and unchosen way to be — a way that was forced on certain unfortunate people as a mistake of birth. After all, who wouldn't want to be straight if they could?

snip

I realize that it's a little different for trans people. I realize that there are many trans people who would prefer not to be trans. But I think that quite a few of those trans people, if given the "choice," would choose to be born into the sex that matches their gender identity, not the gender identity that matches the sex they were assigned at birth.

QuoteTo say, "It wasn't my choice" is to say, "I wouldn't be this way if I could help it" — which is to say, "This is a bad way to be."

I'm not so sure I agree with this line of thought. There are many things you don't choose, family, race, etc, that one wouldn't change if they could help it. I don't think one chooses to be Trans, but I don't think that translates to a bad way to be.

For me, it's more like, "It's not my choice, but I can accept who I am and embrace it".

Quote from: Jasmine.m on June 02, 2010, 10:41:32 AM
I'm not so sure I agree with this line of thought. There are many things you don't choose, family, race, etc, that one wouldn't change if they could help it. I don't think one chooses to be Trans, but I don't think that translates to a bad way to be.

For me, it's more like, "It's not my choice, but I can accept who I am and embrace it".

I like this line of thought.

I also think that it's another way to say that it's nothing something I've decided to be or that it's all in my head. I can choose to transition, but I can't choose to feel the way I do.

The point of "self victimization" is valid.  When I thought of myself as victim, I trapped myself into what other people would think, and for many years was helpless against that tyranny.  Now that I have openly chosen to let the world know what my spirit is truly like, I no longer feel the defensiveness and shame that I once had.

I did not choose to be Transgendered, just like I did not choose to have a birth defect in my back.  But both are who I am, I have learned to deal with both.  I seek out medical assistance for both. 

I went to therapist, got HRT, had and Orchidectomy and I am looking forward to one day having SRS.

I seek out medical assistance to help deal with the pain my back causes.

Both of which takes money or Healthcare insurance.

I didn't choose is a response to people who say we made a lifestyle choice. We didn't because it is a physical thing and not something you have an option to do/be or not do/be.

Defensive yes but civil rights in the 60's did not have people saying you chose your skin color. This negates a portion of his argument.

I didn't choose to grow to 6'2.
I didn't choose to have two legs.
I didn't choose to be born in Iceland.
I didn't choose to be trans.
I didn't choose to be human.
...

When we respond to the reaction others have about our gender identity, we speak to them in words they can relate to (hopefully) and in a way we have been conditioned.

Socially speaking, straight is the default or "normal" way to be and that assumes being happy with one's birth gender.  What I hear when a T person says they would prefer not to have been born trans is they would prefer the much easier life the majority of society enjoys, one where being yourself doesn't compel people to walk out of your life, call you freak or want to beat the crap out of you.  And I think any clear thinking person can understand that.

Like anything else in life, there are countless ways to interpret things.  Since the transgender phenomenon is so grossly misunderstood it's not unexpected to see it go through a discovery/growing stage that takes it in a million different directions.  And until it becomes as acceptable and normal as having, say, red hair, society will continue to dissect, slice and dice it in every which way their minds will take them. 

We have to unlearn all the bigotry, discrimination, hatred and misinformation before we can open our minds to the truth and come to some reasonable level of education.  And this applies to every aspect of the human creature and all of its intricacies and variations.

One good reason to hate being trans is the expense we go through to be seen as not trans,

QuoteSo do these trans people really  wish they weren't trans? Or do they simply wish that they didn't have to face the hassles, prejudice, discrimination, and outright hatred that comes with being trans?

I wish I weren't trans. Most of the unpleasantness about having a female body is internal, not external.

If I could trade being trans for some other characteristic that's hassled, discriminated against, prejudged and hated but that wasn't inherently the source of extreme physio-psychological distress (being black, perhaps?) I would happily do so. I'll take a black male body over a white female one any day.

Quote from: kyril on June 02, 2010, 02:03:10 PM
I wish I weren't trans. Most of the unpleasantness about having a female body is internal, not external.

But what does this mean, exactly? Would you prefer to be a biological male or would you prefer to be content being a female?

Quote from: Jasmine.m on June 02, 2010, 02:05:52 PM
But what does this mean, exactly? Would you prefer to be a biological male or would you prefer to be content being a female?

I would have to be a biological male. "I" can only be either cis male or trans male - anything else and the word "I" loses its meaning. Wanting to be cis female, for me, would be the same as wishing I had never been born.

Quote from: kyril on June 02, 2010, 02:09:35 PM
I would have to be a biological male. "I" can only be either cis male or trans male - anything else and the word "I" loses its meaning. Wanting to be cis female, for me, would be the same as wishing I had never been born.

Okay... I was just wondering. Some people mean, "I wish I were content in my birth assigned gender" when they say I wish weren't trans and others mean, "I wish I were born with the correct gender". That's why I asked.

Quote from: LordKAT on June 02, 2010, 01:56:22 PM
One good reason to hate being trans is the expense we go through to be seen as not trans,

Like the best gems, that one is funny, true and thought provoking. 

You are pretty good at these Kat. Keep 'em comming.

I don't fully understand what he's advocating. "I didn't choose this" does not necessarily have to be used as a form of self-victimization; it's also a statement of fact. When he couples "I didn't choose this" with other statements like "I'd be straight if I could," he implies that the first statement is problematic when (I believe he means) the second is actually the problem. (Yes, I know that a lack of choice is part of the second statement; I'm just saying that a simple statement that we don't choose should not be an issue. As Miniar points out, he didn't choose to be tall or human.) So I think it's the second that Kendall actually wants to eradicate: "I'd be straight if I could" or "I'd be cisgender if I could."

For myself, I would never choose to be straight. But I would sure as heck choose to have a more typical male body.

I wish people would stop for a moment and think whether they would ever have the gall to say, "I would never choose to be born black."

I would hope that it's clear how badly that would miss the point. Isn't the problem with racism, and not with the mere fact of one's skin color?

Okay, then don't say that about me, and don't say it about being trans, unless you're speaking for yourself and only yourself. I might say it, and I might not -- but that's nobody's damn business but my own.



(Yes, I do understand the purpose the argument serves. I still pissed me off.)

The article is ridiculous in my opinion.

QuoteSo do these trans people really  wish they weren't trans? Or do they simply wish that they didn't have to face the hassles, prejudice, discrimination, and outright hatred that comes with being trans?

While your doing nothing about it "in the closet" as it were. Then there is not prejudice, discrimination or hassle yet the problem is there. In fact this is possibly the time the problem is greatest.

QuoteBeing trans, in and of itself, is not a curse...It's the society and the culture that decides whether such things are negative, positive, or neutral...If our family was proud, if we were deemed as special — or even if we were just treated matter-of-factly — would we wish that we weren't trans?

So, we would be ok with having the wrong bodies if our families were proud of us for it or if culture celebrated it. Yea right. I feel totally uncomfortable in my body and like it is not me at all but thats ok because this society likes weirdness! 

QuoteI understand the purpose of the argument, because, truly, none of us did choose to be transgender (or gay, lesbian, or bisexual). No one chooses to be straight or non-trans, either. But you don't hear straight, non-trans people arguing that they didn't choose to be that way. They don't need this argument, because they have the power. We don't. That power makes their particular existence the "right" way to be.

Their existence is the right way to be because they feel right in living it. Being a transexual is self evidently wrong virtue of the feelings of wrongness you have towards your own body. Note I do not mean morally wrong! Claiming it is about power is absurd, straight and non-trans people do not use this argument (with regards to this subject, they can use it just fine for other things) because they dont need it! That is the whole point, that they are happy in their skin.

QuoteTo say, "It wasn't my choice" is to say, "I wouldn't be this way if I could help it" — which is to say, "This is a bad way to be."

Yea, if you conflate the moral "bad" with the normal "bad". Which is wrong to do, in the non-moral sense. Unless your purposely doing it to try and prove your ridiculous argument. Then you could say it is morally wrong as well due to it being an attempt at deception. However perhaps the author is simply not so smart. Of course when you replace "bad" with an equivalent non-moral term such as "This is an uncomfortable/upsetting/troubling etc. way to be." You realise he actually has no point to make. The whole strength of this claim rested upon a mistake in terms.

---

As if any of this has to do with society. As if I would feel happy the way I am if society was made to fit me. Some of these arguments are so ridiculous it is almost unreal. I am suspicious that he simply liked the headline of "time to lose" combined with "I didn't choose" and its rhyme, so decided to base an article around it

I sure didn't choose this and I sure as hell would choose to be genetically female. I think, but I think too much

Yea so I graduate soon, done all my exams. Gotta stay on top of my critical appraising skills.

I guess since he is not unhappy with his plumbing, nobody else should be unhappy with their plumbing?

I won't argue that there isn't a social element to my internalized transphobia. There is. I don't tell the men in my gay group because I don't want them to think of me differently and treat me differently. My nondisclosure can be a little awkward when one of them suddenly asks me (in a perfectly appropriate context) if I've had my first prostate exam yet, but I manage.

I have found that even though I am legally a man and socially a man, I still have problems with myself. Before my top surgery, I had major problems with my chest. It wasn't just because people saw me as female; it was also because those parts weren't right for me. Now that I am being more honest with myself, I am acutely aware of my genitals. The general public does not see them, but I have to live with what I've got. Or what I haven't got. Now the vast majority of the trouble is with me and my own self-perception, not with other people. I won't deny that I must have soaked up societal expectations and standards, but even if all of the prejudice and bigotry went away tomorrow, I would still want to fix my genitals.

So, for me, it's not JUST about social prejudice. It might be based on social prejudices/expectations that I was raised on. But if so, those attitudes are inside me now, and they haven't gone away. I still want to change my body. Not because I face job discrimination or social censure or whatever but because I see myself as thoroughly male and feel that I should have had a pole instead of a hole.

I guess I'm still trying to figure out how all of this fits together.

Indeed, but the root of the problem is not society. The root is with the self. Thus there would be a problem irrelevant of the society you are in. So unless you are going to make a claim as bold as all society is bad then there is not much to stand on concerning the blame society argument.
Example:
You would feel this same way even if the society encouraged and wanted people to transition. You would still be unhappy with your percieved masculinity/femininity. You would still choose to be born as the opposite gender if possible.

Or at least that is how I see it.

Quote from: Seras on June 02, 2010, 06:45:13 PM
Indeed, but the root of the problem is not society. The root is with the self. Thus there would be a problem irrelevant of the society you are in. So unless you are going to make a claim as bold as all society is bad then there is not much to stand on concerning the blame society argument.
Example:
You would feel this same way even if the society encouraged and wanted people to transition. You would still be unhappy with your percieved masculinity/femininity. You would still choose to be born as the opposite gender if possible.

Or at least that is how I see it.

Well, can we say conclusively that we would still transition even if our society were more accepting of "gender variance"? What if we lived in a society that, in our earliest childhood, asked us how we identified, accepted that identification, and then reinforced that identification by treating us with dignity and respect? What if all little trans boys were unquestioningly treated as boys and then men, little trans girls were treated as girls and then women, and folks in the middle were greeted with acceptance and a non-binary view? What if our culture were not heavily invested in the body but went by what we claimed for ourselves? Can we still say, with certainty, that all of us who are changing our bodies now would still insist on changing our bodies?

We all grow up in a society. So I don't think it's possible to fully extract our motives and actions from that society's influence.