Well as I'm at a bit of a loose end due to a bizarre sleeping pattern, I thought that I would take a little bit of time to introduce myself a little better as my first intro doesn't really say too much about who I am and how I found my way to Susans.
I really can't remember a time in my life when I didn't feel a little different, the first time that I remember wanting to be a girl was at about the age of three. Not just a girl, a specific girl! My best friend Sally, in my eyes she was perfect, everything that I was not. I would spend time writing her name with my surname, imagining that it was my name. My elder sister caught me doing this and I wasn't allowed to forget that in a hurry!
I have to say that I enjoyed school and fitted in with the other boys fairly well considering, it was generally accepted that I was a very long way away from being a tough guy and was pretty tiny, but I think that the fact that I was at least prepared to stick up for myself and my sense of humour all contributed to a fairly bully free school life. I tried to be one of the boys but the fact that I would burst out into floods of tears whenever upset cost me macho points
My favoourie things during childhood were singing and dancing which I would do at any opertuninty, although this was not particulaly frowned on, I think that my parents tried to point me towards more manly things like sports, most of which I absolutely hated (especialy ones involving things flying towards my head at high speed
I did have some talent for gymnastics which I did until I got injured at 13.
Puberty hit me hard and this was when I started dressing in womens clothing in earnest, looking back I think that it was trying to compensate for the unwelcome changes that were happening to my body, by the time I was in my late teens I was completely disgusted by my own body and cross dressing no longer comforted me, I knew that I was trans at this point but transition seemed like an impossible thing that could never happen to me. So I decided that I was a guy, and to try to make a go of that, it wasn't long before making a go of it meant booze cheap sex and expensive drugs! After a few years of this the sex had gone by the wayside as I had never really enjoyed it either with girls or guys, the attraction was there but the act itself just felt weird.
By the time I hit my late twenties the booze and drugs had brought me to my knees and I had my first of two spells in rehab, the first was a complete waste of time as I was nowhere near to confronting any of my issues. The second ~(when I was 31) I faced up to enough to keep me clean and sober, it was also the time when I knew that I would have to confront my gender issues sooner or later, I chose later.
The next few years were spent putting my life back together and concentrating on my career where I qualified as an addictions therapist, this was an excellent way of continuing to run from myself as it became pretty all consuming. A couple of difficult years followed when I lost my job and then my dad became very ill so I took time out to care for him, he sadly passed away last year and we also lost my grandad later that year. This all meant more contact with my family than I had had in years and forced me to look at my past that I had been running away from for so long, something snapped and I knew that I had to face my feelings or I would die heartbroken, and for the first time I was determined not to do this.
I got myself a therapist and started to really confront my gender issues, I started wearing womens clothing for the first time in 19 years and the change in my feelings were utterly profound, for the first time in years I didn't feel a sickening anxiety everytime I looked in a mirror. I honestly think that it had been so long since I had felt okay that I had forgotten what okay was. I knew that I had to become the person that I felt I was, not the shell that I had been dragging along for 38 years.
So some new clothes, some hair removal and a dignosis later, I'm staring down the barrel of the RLE, hormones and a new life, this is all a bit daunting as it's not even as if I have been cross dressing all of this time so there is so much to get my head around, I need a lot of help and advice and this is partly why I have joined this forum, it's nice to know that I'm not completely alone
Oh yeah, this is what I look like, It's very early days for me so please be honest but not to harsh, but as you can see any advice is much needed and would be greatly apprieciated.
Hope that this isn't too long but 38 years is a long time!
