Hello.

I am a happily married young male, well 34 to be exact and i have 3 children, all boys. One of my own and 2 from my wifes previous relationship. My wife is a beautiful person, on the outside and on the inside. I am sure of my sexuality as i have no feelings toward other males and no desire to seek any relationship with any other female. I am content and happy in my relationship.

I have a very busy lifestyle and enjoy my work.

I am sure of my masculine side and enjoy male sports and a male lifestyle. I am not confused about my gender.

The problem i have...although i am not so sure it is a problem...more of a way of thinking is that i have a desire to be a female.

Now i do not mean that i want a sex change or wish to dress up in womens clothing. I mean that i want to experience and live a full life as a beautiful female. I cannot understand why i wish this.

If i am honest as i must be then i would say that i do look at almost every female that i know and work around and see on a daily basis and feel a desire to be them. It is not just a physical appreciation but a deeper one. I almost feel them as though i could move like them about me and see their needs. I have the same feelings of need sometimes. I see the physical need...the want to feel like them...have a body that is sleek soft and of a femine design. I want to have the female weight, posture and movement. I also see that i wish to feel the emotions. I want to see men like they do. I wish to see life through their eyes. I wish to have the physical and emotional intimate relationship that a woman has with a man...yet i have no inner thoughts or desire for men!?

It is as though i wish to be reborn as a female. I want to grow from a newborn and experience all ages of a female. From a toddler to a young girl, to school age to teen age. To a young working girl to a  mother and so on. I want to eperience the hardships of being a female.

If i was granted any wish now it would not be for money, or wealth or to be able to fly! but to be able to live a complete unpredictable life of a female.

It is strange but it is a comfortable feeling yet constant. I cannot remove this and sometimes it is overwhelming. I can function properly and have no fear of this controlling me or effecting my relationship. In fact, i feel it has given me a deeper appreciation for my wife and i feel i understand how she feels at times and i can sympathise and almost guess what she needs and wants to be told.

The most bugging thought is knowing that my wish is immposible. Yet why do i have this burning desire?

It is begining to worry me a bit and so here i am, seeking some form of advise or answer.

I feel i have explained my self and yet could talk more.

Thankyou tinkerbell,

I think i do need to get help from somewhere...even just a healthy post reply from all who may have felt this too.x.

Example...If for some wierd chance hyperthetically i was granted a wish and i chose to be a female, then i would not expect that my wish wouldnt come with surprises and problems that all females as well as males face. Does that make sense? Hope so. I would describe the feelings that i am trying to explain as like a fire in me. strange. but always burning...sometimes flaring up...soemtimes simmering deep...dormant.
It is true that if offered the option to be surgically changed...i would outright refuse! The reality is not for me. Althugh saying that the reality of changing from a man is not what i wish for. If it was possible to start again from scratch .from ebryo....not from a man but born as a woman...then i would definately accept.
I do feel a need to completely imerse myself in my wish and i almost feel a reality of it as i get so deep in the mind, almost becoming the mental creation. I sometimes think i have managed to breifly feel or get a true sense of being a woman...just mentally, maybe a sexual feeling very briefly.


please post me.x.x.

It's a common feeling, Simone.  Yup, you have it.  Go talk to a therapist and get some good advice on how to deal with it.  There are also some good books out there that may help you get a perspective on this.  I encourage you to do seek out information.

Meanwhile, welcome.  Hang out here and ask questions.  We promise to not try to pull you to the darkside. ;_

Cindi

Hello Simone.

I must say Tinkerbell has made some important observations. For many of us, realization and reckoning with these thougts and feelings can ultimately lead to a sense of peace, be that realizing a transexual existence, or as in my case finding peace in a more androgynous existence. I have no desire to become a woman, but I have had some of the feelings you have described, which on the surface seem to conflict with the life that conditioning and upbringing as man has created. For me, it has become a relatively simple recognition that I needed more ways to express myself than the roles afforded me in my traditional gender. And while I still struggle, I was able to find a way to understand myself.

Based on what you describe though, I would second Tinkerbell's suggestion for therapy and professional help. While we here can share any number of life experiences and learned wisdom, we can all use objective advice and insight into things that can be affecting us mentally, emotionally, and spirtitually. You are describing some extremely polar sentiments and I hope you can find a place to reconcile this.

I am glad you had the courage to share your story with us here, and hope in the meantime you can find some answers from the many lives that have come before you asking these difficult questions.

Hello Simone,

                  I am going to give you some very controversial advice if the following information you gave is correct,

QuoteI am a happily married young male, well 34 to be exact and i have 3 children, all boys. One of my own and 2 from my wifes previous relationship. My wife is a beautiful person, on the outside and on the inside. I am sure of my sexuality as i have no feelings toward other males and no desire to seek any relationship with any other female. I am content and happy in my relationship.

I have a very busy lifestyle and enjoy my work.

I am sure of my masculine side and enjoy male sports and a male lifestyle. I am not confused about my gender.

                     If that is true, I would advise you just accept your "being a female" fantasy and not persue the feelings any farther at this point. If the feelings ever start to become disruptive to your life and cause problems, then I would suggest delving further into your feelings and seek counsel.   Exploring the transgender world at this point may cause more harm than good (she ducks from the coming onslaught). Now if the above statements are not firmly true and you are troubled by your gender but in some denial then I am with the others in suggesting therapy to see where you stand.  I wish you happiness no matter what.

beth

I agree with madison. You have said some things that sound very polar towards the female gender. More about becoming and living fully, so consulting a therapists would be best for you.

And maybe hanging out asking in the transsexual section might be benificial.

Thanyou all so far for your very wise and honest advise.

I just wish with an ache that i could understand where this feeling that will stay with me for life has come from or means!..x.

I enjoy the feelings and thoughts and i feel it enriches my life but it soemtimes...well always gives me a sense of lonliness...seperation from others, mentally. I have gay freidns and straight friends. I know of ransexuals and cross dressers. But i have never met or heard of anyone FEELING what i feel...not to say that there are many.

Even so...if i did meet a dozen persons like myself...thinking and feeling what i do...it still wouldnt answer my question of...what is it leading to?

I dont think i feel at battle with it...as much at question with it. I want the feeling and feel lucky i guess...that i have the ability to feel very sensitive...

oh...i dont even know if this makes sense but it has helped imensly to write it all out!!!..x.x. 

Thankyou all so far for being there.x.

Tinkerbell,

You have a very special gifted in actually listening. People do hear what we say but dont always listen.

I feel that you have trully seen what is in my aching heart. There are times where the feminine sensation is so intense due to a situation or thought process...like if a see a woman act in a very femine way, her moevment or look...i almost feel her.

There is almost a spiritual feeling too. an appreciation for the female. An awe that i almost see them as sacred. If a man could spend just one day trully as a woman then his life would change for the better...

I would happily spend the rest of my days as a sensitive, not feminine male who loves and respects woman and believes that due to his glimpses can make his beloved wife feel special and trully loved.

And deep down hopes that if there is another life...let me be a woman.

thankyou.x.

Quote from: Simone on November 06, 2006, 08:11:19 PMAnd deep down hopes that if there is another life...let me be a woman.

What if you were offered a magic pill *right now* that would transform you into a perfectly ordinary, genetic woman for the rest of THIS life, the one you would be right now had you been born with xx chromosomes?

Would you take it?

Hi Simone...you've come to the right place to discuss these feelings.

Having read through the whole thread, I get the sense that you are afraid what these feelings mean and the impact they may have on your life.  On one hand, you speak of the burning ache inside to experience life as a female.  On the other, you steadfastly establish your male credentials.  These two polar extremes seem, at best, confusing.

Most people have some slight blending of gender characteristics, but can generally be grouped close enough to male or female that they identify as such.  Others of us find ourselves nearer the center, identifying in some things as male, and others as female.

I'm no gender expert, nor can I truly understand things I have not personally experienced, but this could just be, as Beth suggested, a fantasy of being a female.  If this is the case, enjoy it, learn from it, and apply it to your relationships everyone.  I have a suspicion that there may be a little more to it than that.  Fantasies are not usually as consuming as you suggest these feelings are.  A therapist who is versed in gender identity concerns could be very helpful for you.

Quote from: Simone on November 06, 2006, 05:25:58 PM
Now i do not mean that i want a sex change or wish to dress up in womens clothing. I mean that i want to experience and live a full life as a beautiful female.

How badly do you want this?  Badly enough to dress up in women's clothing?  Badly enough to have surgery?  Badly enough to risk everything and everyone to do so?  I guess the real question is, is this something you Want, or something you cannot live without?  For many, wants and desires have little to do with it...mental health and even survival dictate the actions required.

OK, now that I have played Dr. Laurie, please remember that this is only my untrained and unprofessional opinion.  If you really want help exploring your innermost nature, please see a professional who knows what they are doing.

Keep us posted along your journey.  Ask questions, share your thoughts and experiences, poke fun of folks who pretend to know that they are saying (I am not talking about me...whatever gave you that idea??)  We would love to hear more from you.

....Laurie

Simone, I thought about you and what you have said all afternoon and came back to give you different advice than what I first posted.  But somone has beat me to the punch.  Beth did give you the best advice.  Drop it all right now. 

Go back to your life and look into this no further.  I'm dead serious.  If you can deal with a daydream or two for the rest of your life, you will be fine.

Only if it becomes too much to bear should you look into this any further.

You are opening Pandora's box.  Don't do it.

Cindi

I cant understand it but everyone so far is right.
Everyone, and it feels ok....

I will never seek to change the life i am living now. I have no desire to TRY and become female as that is not my hearts desire. I enjoy who i am...my mothers son and dads twinkle. I love my wife and children and will always be there beside them. To my wife i still wish to be the lover, friend and husband. I will not risk eveything that relys on me just for my own gratification. I look at myself and see a man. musculine, strong...compasionate and supportive.

Whether i will seek to get advise from a therapist...i do not know...maybe.

What i do now is that i have a deep...and i mean deep appreciation for what is female. I hold them dear to me and only strive to embrace this by appreciating them...complimenting them.....flirting enough to see their sensual side but not further than flattery.

If i was given a pill as was posted prior to this one that could made me a woman...right now...complete and whole...i dont think i would take it. If i was told that i could start from the beginning , born as female...i would.

If someone told me that my next life was as a female. I would cry with joy and feel a peace that could not be explained.

I will contiue to ask many questions as i become friends with you all and most likely confuse and humour as i go along!

If any more advise can be given i will take it all to heart and appreciate the understanding and time given.

Thanks....Simone.x.




Posted on: November 07, 2006, 05:59:23 AM

---

Just a quicky..

Having just read Marq and Mia,s thread which is very interesting...i guess there is a female in me...hidden in my thoughts...not on the physcial side...although as stated in their thread...it is as if now and then there is an urge just to wear a womans clothing to releive the need from the inner female to have a moment of outer physical contentment.... I feel the clothes on me opposed to wearing them on me.

So, the idea of changing me to get to a female status is almost not needed as she is there already.

My question is can i embrace her...enrich her and bring her out more...just for me? Physically or emotionally?


any comment...

Quote from: Simone on November 07, 2006, 06:31:08 AM
If i was given a pill as was posted prior to this one that could made me a woman...right now...complete and whole...i dont think i would take it. If i was told that i could start from the beginning , born as female...i would.

What I'm wondering is if you're really TS, but you fear that the effects of current surgical/medical techniques simply aren't satisfactory.

For YEARS I told my wife, "There's no WAY I'll ever transition. What I want and need is to be an ordinary, genetic woman - not a feminized male. At my height, with my features, it's just not worth it. I STILL wouldn't be ME."

Cindi's advice is sound. Be careful how far you dig. I fully expected to expose TSism as a fraud, a psychological obession of some sort, easily dismissed once seen for what it is.

Oh, I saw what it is alright. The more I dug, the more I sealed my fate.

On the one hand, if you *don't* figure out what's going on, it can fester inside, hidden, and eat away at your soul. But it is often true that this journey is one-way. The more you expose, the more "real" things become, and the need to DO something, imperfect and compromised as the solutions are, just keeps growing.

Very true Kate....very true.

I do not want to be a feminised male...but then again is there a female side in me that deserves to be relased more...why should i be restraining her? To contradict that, i dont actually feel that there is a woman in me bursting to get out...she is quite happy being another part of my concience...my female thoughts...she has no wish to become a physical skin on me...not permanantly...

thanks.x.

Quote from: Simone on November 07, 2006, 06:31:08 AM
If someone told me that my next life was as a female. I would cry with joy and feel a peace that could not be explained.

I just can't seem to reconcile that with:

Quotei dont actually feel that there is a woman in me bursting to get out...she is quite happy being another part of my concience...my female thoughts...

The thing of it is, if "she is quite happy being another part of my concience," then why would you/she want it ALL in the next life?

Well...i kind of feel that the female in me is like a hint...pre-mental state to the possibilty that if there was another life then it would be as a woman...the complete package.

i dont know...i find it hard to explain my feelings...

am i reading into this too much?...

Quote from: Simone on November 07, 2006, 03:21:57 PM
am i reading into this too much?...

Maybe. Maybe not. Only you know for sure. Take a deep breath, relax, and think. Since you posted this in the Androgyne forum, and from what you've posted, I'd gather that you're still a "guy", but are wanting to explore a bit more into the femininity of your self. This is not a bad thing, and nothing to beat yourself up over. What you should do is consider balance. Be the father and husband you want to be, but let yourself explore feminine characteristics.

We all have to figure ourselves out. Good luck with what you find.

Hey Simone!

First I want to say that when I was reading your post I was thinking, wow that sounds familiar. Maybe I should suggest the possibility that he's got someone else in there with him. After all feeling strongly about wanting to keep things the way they are would be the male side saying "I'm Happy". But then you talk about your desire to just be reborn as a female to experience things as a female. You described that you looked at other women with a desire to be them, feel what they feel, do what they do. That sounded so familiar to me. Then I got down to the part where you referenced my post and I thought "Oh wow Simone might actually have noticed the same situation before I could say anything" and I smiled. I thought for sure if I said anything, I might cause more problems giving yet another possible reason for what you feel.

Now I want to mention that my female half does not just live inside me. She has about half of my outward interactions with the world as her own, feeling compassion and love for the things males might not enjoy. She's just at a slight disadvantage because of what we look like, mainly male, but in concept she is all the female she needs to be (though occasionally she wants to really be noticed if we don't take care of ourself).

So how can you embrace her you ask. Well recognize her. Give her a name, even if just between the male you and the female you. A name seems like such a simple thing but I can't believe the change in mood I felt when I finally decided on a name. It felt like suddenly I knew who I was.

You obviously don't have to talk in plural like I seem to do a lot now, but thats because the more refined I make my sides from each other the more they can develop.

Then next you have to dig deep down and find out what she wants from life. Now chances are it will be different for each person, but myself, Mia wanted us to take better care of our body, grow our hair out(which I was doing anyway, she got to me early), and just in general put more thought into our apperance. She didn't ask me to go outside dressed in female attire since her contention was mearly she wasn't being recognized enough. I don't keep her locked up inside so shes perfectly welcome to stress her opinions in my day to day life.

I did want to clarify to those who do not fall under bi-gendered what exactly is occuring in a day to day life. At any given moment, one of the two persona's is always showing and can change often and multiple times a minute without any noticable sign of a change. To everyone else, they see mostly one personality, though the elements of it seem contradicting if you think about it. People see me as straightfoward, friendly, social but still very solitary, compassionate but direct, intelligent but foolish. It makes me seem very interesting to most people.

Now can I tell which one persona is actually being expressed at any given moment, no. Its just such a rapid change that to me, I'm just me. Under certain circumstances though, the change is so refined and sudden that it just feels like a switch being thrown. Its then that its more clear whats going on. Once you accept that you're not just one but two, then you can appreciate why you say and do the things you do and feel the things you feel. I urge you to play around with the idea and see if it makes different experiences in your life that seemed odd make more sense.

Well anyways I'll be happy to provide further guidance on this topic if you so desire. I'm no expert mind you but if you feel this bi-gender thing seems to make sense, talking with people that are experiencing it as well helps a bunch.

-Us

Hi, Paul AND Simone;

Here are three questions I found helpful for making my decision.  Your answers to these questions now are your answers to these questions now, nothing more.  In 5/10/20 years, your answers might change, or they might not.  But they're good questions to ponder.

1.  A supreme, omnipotent being (God, space alien, whatever) comes to you and says, "I'm going to start your life over from conception.  You will grow up to essentially have the same feelings and outlook on the world that you now have -- in other words, if you felt you were female, those feelings will remain.  But I'll let you choose your birth sex."  What do you choose?

2.  Same supreme being, same scenario, same choice.  But this time, whichever sex you choose to be, your gender will completely match that sex.  If you choose male, you'll always be happy as a male and never wish you could have been female.  The same will be true if you chose female.  What do you choose?

3.  You've lived a full life, and have now passed away.  It's five years after your memorial service, and friends and family have gathered and are remembering you.  How do you want to be remembered -- as male, or as female?

Pondering the questions will help you clarify your feelings.

Meanwhile, I encourage you to explore and develop this side of you.  You're close enough to London -- there are certainly safe activities you can do and support groups you can attend.  Go as far as you're comfortable with. 

Welcome to Susan's!

Karen