Somehow it manages to surprise me again and again every month.

I think I might be able to tolerate the red death itself. It's the week and a half of stuff leading up to it. It's so sudden...I'm doing fine, browsing the Internet, and then out of the blue I hear myself think "Maybe I should just shoot myself." And then I start to choke up and my eyes start leaking and then my nose and sinuses join in. There's no good reason. I'm just as fine now as I was 15 minutes ago. I don't actually want to die. Those thoughts aren't me - they're my body trying to kill me. But it doesn't matter how many times I tell myself that. It just won't stop until I start bleeding and the hormones shift back.

I need a therapist. I've been waiting to see one for 2 months now and I still haven't even been given an appointment. The place I'm trying to go has crisis care available, but it doesn't seem right to try to get crisis care for something that happens every month - this state is almost as normal as my "normal." And besides, I'd be mortified to be seen like this, crying uncontrollably...what kind of man breaks down in tears completely unprovoked in the middle of the night? It's pathetic.

I just want to be steady-state. I want to know what my baseline mood is so that if I end up being depressed I can get proper treatment. I want to stop thinking things that I'm not actually thinking. I want to be me, not this blubbering mess of girl hormones. But there's not a damn thing I can do, and I feel so pathetically helpless.

i hate that feeling. i'm starting to feel it now actually, knowing the 'red death' is creeping up. i actually havent thought about it once for a long time, and it feels like its been forever since the last time. i actually got to feel like a regular man for a while but now i'm thinking about it and its horrible. i'm starting to feel all that ->-bleeped-<-tiness and just starting to feel hopeless in my transition, but i know thatll pass once the monthly monster is gone. its just instant-depression once i realize 'its' coming soon, and that it shouldnt even be happening cause its not supposed to happen to guys.

have you called the therapist again to see i they will be getting you an appointment soon? that sucks that its been so long and you haven't even gotten one.

and don't worry though if you are at all about the crying thing, i mean i know it's 'supposed' to be unmanly, but every guy cries, its just usually not in public or anything.

Thanks, Rex. Sorry for the self-pity thread, especially if it triggered you.

It's weird, it's not thinking about it coming that triggers the depression for me. The depression comes first, and that's what reminds me that the bleeding is coming.

I tried e-mailing the place (it's an LGBT counseling center, I'm poor) to see how much longer I could expect to wait but they never replied.

oh no its no problem, i started thinking about it again yesterday anyways. but yeah...for me i'll just started being extra-anxious and i'm like 'why am i so nervous all of a sudden" and then its like "oh ya....that.. "

hmm...well hopefully they havent forgot or something, i guess if emailing is the best you can do you'll have to wait, unless you can go in in person and tell them. hopefully it will be soon, i hear therapy can help a lot. i need it too but got to wait till i move out.

best of luck to you bro! =)

Are you on T?
I've been lucky..haven't had that happen since I started T. Crossing my fingers that it doesn't.
But the thought of it does make me feel like you, and lately I've been feeling like that over just being really dysphoric.
Hang in there. I'm a PM away if you want to talk or rant or whatever.

I'm sorry, man, that sucks.  I've actually started with the pain for mine, so I'm feeling rather crappy at the moment.  It's bad enough dealing with the blood, but it's downright unfair when it's combined with crippling pain.  I don't actually want to die either, but I get those thoughts as well around this time...

Hang in there!

Thanks guys.

Hey, kyril - I wish I could say something wise and useful, but all I can manage is to say you're not alone.

Hang in there, I hate to see you feeling like this. You're not pathetic, the hormones are. I hope you get in to see the counselor soon, I know the waiting sucks and so does the feeling of helplessness. At least it doesn't last forever.

I really hate "that time" when friends of mine talk to me about there's I kind of switch off and don't even want to talk about it with them, its kind of like why are you even talking to me about this I don't want to know.....I don't know maybe its me not wanting to talk about it its like me pretending its not there.

Aww, you guys just reminded me that it'll probably come up for me too. Meh, it will be over someday

*Hugs* Kyril. 
I think you're a very strong guy and that's why it hits you so hard. The release of tears will bring relief though, see it that way  .  I hope you get to see a therapist soon, keep bugging them till they make that appointment.

I too hate red death with the fire of a thousand suns. There's nothing I can say to take away how stupid it is (although, oh how I wish there was...), so at least know that you're not alone, and someday you won't have to deal with the dumb thing anymore. Chin up, "this too shall pass".

When people around me talk about it, or talk about having it...I pretend I don't know what they're talking about. Or respond with, "I wouldn't know, I'm not a girl," and it makes me feel that much better. Esp now that I'm not having that stuff anymore *knock on wood*.

Kyril are you on T?

I used to do the same kind of thing...sort of switch myself off until the symptoms alerted me and I could no longer ignore them. I didn't know anyone else did that until I came here.

You have advantages. You know that this will happen every month, you know that you don't really want to kill yourself, you know that you're in the queue to get help.

But I can't help thinking that some advantages actually turn out to be liabilities. Cloud/lining...

Quote from: kyril on June 17, 2010, 06:48:34 AMI tried e-mailing the place (it's an LGBT counseling center, I'm poor) to see how much longer I could expect to wait but they never replied.

Did they give you an estimate of how long the wait time would be?

One e-mail can slip through the cracks. E-mails in general can be put on hold indefinitely. Phone calls are different. So call them. Call them again and again until you get someone who knows what's going on. 

Leo - I'm not on T yet, this place where I'm waiting for an appointment is the one where I'm hoping to get my letter.

Arch - I have an extreme phone phobia. I'd be more likely to take the half-hour bus ride down there and ask them in person than to pick up a phone. The e-mail I sent actually was just asking for an estimate of how much longer the wait would be, but I got no response at all (the initial estimate was "up to several weeks" but it's been months).

Quote from: kyril on June 18, 2010, 04:01:58 PMArch - I have an extreme phone phobia. I'd be more likely to take the half-hour bus ride down there and ask them in person than to pick up a phone. The e-mail I sent actually was just asking for an estimate of how much longer the wait would be, but I got no response at all (the initial estimate was "up to several weeks" but it's been months).

I understand about the phone. I had a phobia about that--probably not like yours but bad enough. It would take me weeks to pick up the phone and call my insurance company. If I wanted to make a doctor's appointment, I would either drive down there and do it in person or spend weeks bootstrapping myself so I could call on the phone.

The good news? Most days I don't have that problem anymore. As part of my lifelong self-improvement campaign, I started working on the problem over a decade ago. Eventually I only needed a few days to make phone calls. Now, post-transition, I just pick up the phone and do it, unless I'm having a bad day and don't want to talk to anyone. I don't know, maybe all I needed was transition. But I'm glad I worked so hard before that.

Take the bus, buddy. You need this.

Actually...I just checked my e-mail after I wrote the above post, and I got this:

Quote
Hi, {chosen name}
I hope you are well.  I was out of the office for a week when your email
arrived so I do apologize how long this email has gone without a response.
Your name is just about at the top of the waitlist so if you give me a call
we'll set you up with an intake appointment.

Yay! Now, um, I just have to either get up the nerve to call, or e-mail back and explain why I can't call. Crap.

Quote from: kyril on June 18, 2010, 04:31:59 PMActually...I just checked my e-mail after I wrote the above post, and I got this:Yay! Now, um, I just have to either get up the nerve to call, or e-mail back and explain why I can't call. Crap.

Maybe the universe is listening to you.

A therapist will understand about the telephone. But if anything is worth calling about, this is it.

Just do what you need to do to get that appointment set up.

Quote from: ƃuıxǝʌ on June 18, 2010, 04:39:58 PM
As an alternative, you could try to get on depo provera until your T is approved? It may not kill your red death, but there's a 30% chance that it will.

But there's also a chance that you'll bleed for 5 months straight like I did, and that would just make everything worse.