Vanessa you bring up so many good topics of discussion.
It seems worthy to note that while spending an immense amount of time examining concepts of gender, in my idyllic world, I'd rather not spend another second thinking about it all. Even through all the doubt and questioning, I was not struggling with myself per se, I was struggling with the implications of those parts of myself that did not conform to cultural norms. It is only in an effort to manifest even a rarified understanding of gender that I can consider normative that I persist in these intellectual explorations. Because as in the HyTran example from the Poll, "How many genders are there," I believe that while not needing to conform to every aspect of social expectation, I do believe that I have an obligation to participate in society and work with others to make myself understandable.
Despite the importance and convenience of labels, part of their limitation stems from no label can ever cover it all. And if you have enough labels to cover it all, then you reach a point of diminishing returns, and it becomes difficult to decide how many labels apply to any one thing. Thus broad is good, but some ability to make further distinctions is still necessary.
You say you don't feel comfortable with blended notions of gender. And I must admit it is far more difficult to accept juxtapositions such as a bearded man in a dress. As I have also mentioned in another post, symbols hold meaning, partially from the meaning we personally apply to them, and I would dare say, mostly from the culture where that symbol is being defined. It is based on this logic, that while I don't feel a masculine form in a dress is inherently dissonant, not attempting to at least defer, or allude, to the other conventions that normally accompany one in a dress, in western culture especially, only exacerbates any potential dissonance. Not to say that the bearded man in a dress is wrong, but that the bearded man in a dress might experience more social rejection, than a man who at least shaved and was extremely well groomed. (Of course intention is so important to discussions like these and merely assume for simplicities sake that we are discussing gender issues where the person feels some kind of gender dysphoria and for all intents and purposes is attempting to be, without ulterior motive).
Gender appropriate appearance and behavior has unquestionably shifted and morphed through time and civilization. The upper-class dandy, or fop, of the 18th-19th century, much like the modern metrosexual male, place uncharacteristic attention towards style and refinement in behavior when compared to the idea of the American male through the 20th century. The dandy and the metro-sexual male could easily be defined, and often are by some, as effeminate or even queer. What I find so interesting and potentially ironic about the dandy era, is that someone like myself might have been completely at home and comfortable, while the more manly man stuck in that era and social class was being forced to endure styles and behavior that found dissonant with
their own sense of being. Tables turned as it were.
Vanessa, for me the concept of bi-gender seems dissonant. The idea of separately maintaining some kind of dual co-existence with another entity within is too complex, troubling, and difficult for me to entertain. That is exactly why the idea of cross dressing, as in trying to pass with or without prosthetic aids, makes no sense in my personal existence based on the person that I have become.
Instead for me, the idea of melding, blending, and expressing my true self stems from the earnest belief that their is one person inside who is without need for gender understanding. Yet as I previously stated, I still believe I have an obligation to interact with society, and quite frankly, society wants some answers! Instead I have been trying to understand how the symbols that I am attracted to somehow enhance who I am. And as I understand them better I try to refine them to bring them in line with what makes sense for the time and place where I live. This seems paramount for me, because, none of us can escape that our worldview is inescably formed in part by the culture we live in.
Thus, when seeking more feminine styles, fashion, and accessories to incorporate in my life, I honestly ask myself if that outfit looks good on
ME, with my body shape, with my level of fitness, with my natural hair. For example, while I might find a particular piece of jewlery to be the most beautiful thing I've seen, if on me it does not accentuate and look like it might actually belong there, then I would not wear it. This is so easily seen in certain outfits. I may see a blouse that looks like the cutest most comfortable thing ever, but it is obviously made to accomodate and enhance breasts that I don't have, and similarly must recognize that however much I try, without wanting to appear
as a woman, that blouse will never enhance or make sense on me. I may be able to recognize that it will be dissonant to many at first, as any one who has cross dressed publicly before, the people around you quickly get used to it, whether or not they are entirely comfortable with it. And I suggest that if more people cross dressed publicly, society would simply get used to it, as can be seen in the transition from women not be able to wear pants in 50's USA to women cross dressing as de facto standard today.
It was stated once, that androgynes are not transtioning, but I offer that my very existence is proof of a type of transition. I am attempting to transition to a recognizable representation of how I feel. It is not physical, but there is a definite mental transition happening to make space for an androgynous concept that has been entirely left out of my culture, but has existed elsewhere. It makes sense to me to as you say, "gender-splice." But only because my culture has left me no alternative.
Regarding the Yin-Yang symbol, it is true that literally speaking the two halves are separate. Inside each half however, we find a piece of the other, and for me this opens a whole other opportunity for interpretive meaning, which I will leave to your mediations.
Considering the idea of a third gender is something that has not been adequately explored. And I offer another thought experiment for illustration. The journey of a transexual is that from birth-sex to the opposite sex, in an effort to match the body with the spirit. Given that there is, beyond question, a third SEX, the intersexed aka the hermaphrodite, is it not possible or even necessary for some of us to take that journey from our birth-sex to intersexed?
(Note: I'm only just now considering this for the first time. And while you could think me being flippant or exaggerating to make a point, it really makes me wonder.)
So perhaps their really is a transition to be made for the androgyne. And androgyne being little more than a descriptor of that inbetween state until such time as the physical matches the spirit. Just something to consider.
When you speak of having within you a mix of male and female gender, and ask if that makes you a feminized man, I would suggest that, if you can consider a life outside of a bi-gender dichtomy, the better thing to ask is if you are an androgynized man? Actually and honestly neither man or woman, but actually androgynous, without any accepted method or mental space to even comprehend.
As some transexuals might feel a spiritual emotional gap between them and androgynes, I too feel a spiritual gap between myself and the concept of bi-gender. However, I am trying to remember that we grew up with a gender dichotomy. That everything we know of the world was taught to us using somewhat arbitrary and evolving classification schemes. We all recieved an immense amount of programming before our minds were advanced enough to consider the implications. How and why I find comfort from our like issues, may be a direct result of that programming and how I got here to the moment where I am addressing these issues.
Had I grown up in a liberal and encouraging environment, where no topic was truly taboo, and I felt loved and safe without fear of judgement, when these issues of gender first entered my mind, maybe I would learned more early on that I would have desired the body of a woman. But I didn't have that environment, and I spent my life as the man that I am, making decisions based in part on that early programming, and now transexuality is no longer a valid option to me. And I am suggesting that all of these gender issues come down to a choice, that we are all making choices, transexual, androgyne, cross dressers. We are making a choice for how we deal with something that most of us don't feel like was a choice in the first place. Rather we are making choices to deal with a cruel lack of choice played on us by nature. And we make that choice based on mental, emotional, social, economic, spiritual, and philosophical personal realities, weighing out benefit with implication and consequence.
On one last note, I would like to make it known that I do not feel as though I have the answers, that it all makes sense, and that I have the way to salvation, far from it. And moreover, I do not feel as though any of you do either. That is the point of these dialogs, to live and grow, and experience truth for the beautiful fluid thing that it is. Humans use words and symbols to communicate and do more than simply survive. Human vagaries of what life is, what life means, and how we should do it will likely always be changing, and we will never truly know all. But what we can do in the meantime, is have a hell of a lot of fun pondering it, and trying to make this brief stint as comfortable and pleasant as possible.
These discussions are a chance for us to learn how and why people make different decisions from us, and whether those other decisions had outcomes that we might find more favorable in our own lives. Thank you all for sharing and growing with me.
